Are you Addicted to the Opinions of Others?

• Are you concerned with what others might be saying about you?
• Do you hesitate to act upon your good ideas in case others don't think it's as good as you do?
• Have you over-leveraged yourself financially (house, cars, trips, clothes... stuff) just to keep up with those around you?
• Do you find yourself agreeing with people even if/when you disagree?
• Do you hesitate to invite people to your house because you feel it's too small, unimpressive, or not in a great neighbourhood?
• Do you not order what you really want for lunch because you're concerned about what your friend might think about your eating habits?
• Do you not take your partner/spouse to a work event with you because you are concerned with what your co-workers might think?
• Do you not pursue a job you would love simply because others might not think it's important enough?

The need for the approval of others can be a very secretive need.  It can influence our decisions without our even being aware that we are making choices based on the reactions of others, not out of a true personal interest.  The need for approval gets conditioned into us from the day we are born and can serve, for many, as their primary source of self esteem.  Somehow the recognition of others adds to our perceived level of self-worth and value.

Let's face it, we all care to some extent, what our family and friends think of us.  This need not be particularly detrimental or undermine our sense of self.  However, the trick is to ensure that we don't come to care so much what others think that it becomes our thoughts.  Becoming addicted to the opinions of others can repress our own expression of who we are and what we truly believe and value.

When we get caught up in trying to please others, to ensure that they think well of us, we become overly accommodating in our attitude.  We engage in many unconscious 'likability' behaviours that signal to others our desire to please them.  However, by trying so hard to accommodate everyone, typically in an attempt to be liked and respected, we actually can appear overly solicitous and even obsequious, becoming a person that no one likes or respects.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do"          Eleanor Roosevelt

In a study conducted by the National Science Foundation, it was found that people have as many as 50,000 thoughts a day.  The sad truth is that people are so caught up in living their lives that they rarely even spare a thought or two for us.  Even if they thought about us ten times a day though, it would still only consume .02% of their daily thought total.  You don't even make a dent.

The real truth therefore, about every worry you have about what people will think of you... is that they aren't thinking of you.  Most people filter their thoughts through their ego.  How important you really are to them, to their lives, goals, wants and needs, will determine how much they likely are going to think of you.  That big list of people that care about your car, your clothes, your house, your job, your sexual orientation, your friends, your education, your hobbies... just got infinitely smaller.

People are always going to have an opinion of you.  People have opinions about people they don't know, which means they will certainly have an opinion about those they do.  And certainly, everyone is entitled to their opinion, whether Right, Wrong or Indifferent.  However, their opinion need not become yours.  You have a right to choose how you respond to it, to Accept it, Reject it, or Ignore it, just as they have the same choices regarding your opinion of them.

People are also going to have an opinion about the choices you make, no matter who you are trying to please, yourself or them.  Sometimes your choices will please many, sometimes your choices will please only a few.  The important measure is whether they are pleasing to you.  What you will find, when you are in your 90's reflecting back on your life is that yours is likely the only opinion that will ultimately matter to you; did you live a life that mattered... to you.

In the immortal words of John Fogerty, in his song 'Garden Party'...

"It's all right now, I learned my lesson well.  You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

And, if you feel compelled to sing that line to yourself over and over, or to imitate Ricky Nelson singing it to you, or adopt it as your mantra... go right ahead. I'll likely be singing it right along with you.  Some might think we're crazy but that's their opinion.

What's yours?
 

Risks Versus Opportunities

Pssst... c'mere... wanna take a risk?

Why do many of us see taking a risk as something to avoid as assiduously as we would a guy standing on the corner trying to sell us a watch from the depths of his trench-coat?

When did risk-taking take on a negative connotation?  The fact is, every decision carries an element of risk, even the decision to not take a risk. There is a cost to every choice we make in life, large or small, and yet we still manage to make choices. However, label one of those choices 'risky' and we immediately begin dredging up visions of everything that could possibly go wrong.  Research has shown that when we evaluate the potential outcome of something that we have labelled as 'risky', we have a tendency to:

• over-estimate the likelihood of something going wrong
• we 'Catastrophize' the outcomes, exaggerating the perceived consequences of failing
• we under-estimate our capabilities in dealing with those perceived consequences and
• we discount the cost and impact to us of not taking the risk

We then remain firmly in place on the couch.  

When we hesitate to take risks it is because we are focusing solely on the loss and not focusing on the potential gains.  If we want to have and experience something more or different from what we have, then we are going to have to risk trying something different in order to get it.  Focusing solely on the possible cost of the risk leads us to stick with the status quo, living safe but infinitely smaller lives.

"The biggest risk is not taking any risk.  In a world that's changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking risks"       Mark Zuckerberg

In order to step out of our comfort zone and learn to embrace the benefits of risk-taking more fully, here's a few steps that will help get you up off that couch.

1.  Shift the focus from the potential Cost to Gain.  Sure the world is full of uncertainty but not all risks have negative consequences.  Sit down and take an open and honest look at the cost of inaction versus the cost of action, along with the potential benefits of inaction versus action.  Fight the tendency to 'awfulize' the potential negative outcomes by focusing more fully on what the positive outcomes look like.  Feel them, smell them, experience them.  The clearer our perspective of what they may be, the more desirable they appear, the easier it will be to let go of our fear and step forward.

2.  Build your Risk-Taking Muscle.  As with anything, the more we take risks, the better we get at it.  The key here then is to start small.  Researcher Norris Kreuger Jr. and Peter Dickson discovered that engaging in even small, measured risk-taking behaviours can increase your confidence and prepare you for facing and handling bigger risks.  It's experience that helps build confidence. Take a few small risks to help you build your base of experience.

3.  Not all Risks are Equal.  There is a difference between jumping into taking a Risk with no planning and taking a Calculated Risk.  You want to mitigate any of the potential negative outcomes of a risk through planning and preparation.  Just as professional football players assume the risk of a permanent career-ending injury each time they step out on the field might mitigate the negative impact by developing outside businesses during their off-season.  Don't confuse taking a risk with impulse actions.  Think, plan and then jump.

4. Accept that Failures Happen.  Not all risks pay off.  That's inevitable.  However, knowing this allows you to plan for the loss.  Often it is the fear of the unexpected that can prove to be the most crippling deterrent to taking a risk.  Mentally evaluate what failure might look like and what you could and would do about it. Often having this plan in place is the biggest preventative action you could take to ever needing to execute it.

"People who don't take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.  People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year."    Peter Drucker

In the end, after you have analyzed your risky opportunity to death, there comes the need to take a deep breath and just do it.  The only way to achieve anything in life is through action.  Sometimes, bold results require bold actions.  That's what your big-girl panties are for!