You Can Figure It Out

Growth of any kind requires us to do things we've never done before.

• That new promotion?  
• That new sport?  
• That new art?  
• That new hobby?  
• That new volunteer experience?
• That new relationship?

New things can be fun, exhilarating and exciting but they can also be scary and intimidating. Often our move forward may be impeded by the thought that we don't know what to do, or perhaps how to do it.

• Antonio has a great idea for a new business he would love to start.  Although excited about the concept he hesitates because he soon realizes that he doesn't know how to arrange for manufacturing, he isn't sure about financing options and definitely don't know how to set up online shopping and marketing systems.  He decides not to pursue his idea because he determines that he doesn't know enough to start a business.  
• Debra has been working in her current role for 4 years and has successes to spare.  She has out performed all of her peers and finds that she knows her current job inside and out.  In fact, she might even be willing to admit that she is feeling a little bored and under-challenged.  A new opportunity has just been posted inside the company that others have said she would be great at.  She's interested, but hesitates to apply because, as she reads over the job description, she realizes that there are aspects of the job that she has never done before.

Although we may tell ourselves that we can't do something because we don't have the skill or knowledge to complete it, recognise that it isn't the lack of knowledge holding you back, but your fear.  In today's world, knowledge and information has never been easier to access.  Need to know something?  Google it.  You will instantly have more leads than you will ever need to follow to find out what you need to know. Someone, somewhere knows what you need to know, knows how to do what you need to do.  Find them and ask them.

All that is needed, in order to move forward is to believe in your ability to figure things out.  Once you have faith in this, that everything is 'figure-outable', then the phrase 'I don't know' is no longer an end to your dream or growth, but a place to start.

• You don't know how to set up a new business, how to arrange for manufacturing, what it takes to get financing?  Start searching and start asking.  There are lots of people that have done what you are looking to do that would be more than happy to share some of their life lessons with you. There's entrepreneurial training, associations with support systems in place, business coaches, podcasts...  
• You aren't sure if you have what it takes to be hired into a new role?  Apply and find out. Don't second-guess it.  The worst that can happen is that you find out what you are missing and then eliminate the gap.  The best thing?  You get the job!

Figuring out what to do may prove not to be the biggest barrier.  Finding the courage to step up and take the necessary action may be it.  It is never enough to ask the questions, to seek the answers, if you don't activate them.  True clarity comes through action, for it is out of 'doing' that you truly learn and grow.

If you wait to begin until you know everything you may need, then you will remain sitting on the couch. Just start, by believing in your ability to figure things out as you go.

Fighting the Fear of Rejection

Sometimes, despite our desire to have certain things in our lives, our fear of being rejected may hold us back.  Interestingly, the Fear of Rejection is often the single biggest obstacle standing between you and success.

Being rejected is one of our deepest fears.  In ancient tribal times survival was dependent upon being part of a group. Therefore, losing the safety of that community typically equated to a death sentence. As a result, we are wired with a desire to belong.  We tend then to engage in behaviours that help us be seen in a positive light, that help us to gain acceptance. We therefore hesitate to take risks and actions that we think may not be viewed as favourably by others.

The issue with this is that our fears are not always 'true'. They are typically only our thoughts or beliefs about what 'might' happen.  Regardless though, they can create a damaging pattern of behaviour and belief that limits and restricts our growth and, ultimately, our success.

Rejection is driven by emotion.  It is not our thoughts themselves that cause us to feel rejected, but how our thoughts make us feel.  Unfortunately, we can generate these feelings without even being rejected; our thoughts of the possibility of being rejected are enough to hold us back.  This possibility is enough to...

• Prevent us from saying 'Yes' to new opportunities.  Fear is designed to save us from danger, to introduce an element of caution when facing new challenges.  This makes sense when we are confronted by a bear but not so much when we are facing a new task, challenge, or opportunity. We have to risk rejection if we want to receive the rewards.
• Lead us to trying to please everyone. In an effort to avoid being rejected by anyone we can go out of our way trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to please everyone is perhaps the best definition of 'impossible' there is.  Additionally, when all our efforts are put toward pleasing others our own wishes and wants will usually get lost in the process. 
• Leave us speechless. The possibility of someone taking exception to what we say leads us to stifle our voice, not sharing our true thoughts and opinions lest someone not agree and reject us as a result. We tend to then assume a much more passive voice, adopting language that will appease others.

In order to step up to the plate and take the action we need, to drive the success we want, we need to be able to Reject of Fear of Rejection.  Yep, stare rejection right in the face and reject it first! Confident people tend to take rejection in stride, assuming it's an expected and natural part of living. We too can learn to do the same.  Try a few of the following tips to help you gain the upper hand in your relationship with rejection...

• Stop 'Awfulizing'.  Stop making things out to be worse than they are.  As you build the projected size of the potential rejection up, you also build your emotional barriers.  Your desire to avoid the possibility increases accordingly. Take the time to think rationally about the worst case scenario, the 'what's the worst that could happen' result and assess its impact on you.  Usually it will not be anywhere nearly as big as you were making it out to be, leaving it to be far more approachable and 'do-able'.
• Focus on your wants, not those of others.  The clearer you are of what you want and need from the opportunity, your career, your life, the less likely you are to allow the opinions of others to stand in your way.  Recognise that often their opinions are more about their fears than they are beliefs about what is possible for you.  Don't allow yourself to become a prisoner of the opinions of others.
• What are you actually afraid of?  This is a key question to ask.  Without it we typically are merging multiple fears into one, increasing our emotional barrier to the situation.  Instead, isolate those fears and deal only with the one which is actually applicable to the challenge you face.  This will immediately make the barrier smaller and more realistic to face, sidestep or jump over.
• Focus on what you want, not what you want to avoid.  The more you build up the benefits of your desired end result the better.  Make the positive gain bigger in your mind than your perceived potential pain of rejection and you will be okay with pushing through.  The bigger the perceived gain versus the perceived pain the more you will accept the risk.
• Use rejection as a growth opportunity.  Most of us could benefit from developing a slightly thicker skin than we currently possess.  We don't need to be made of teflon, but we do need to learn to accept a certain amount of rejection in our lives, pulling from it whatever lessons make sense to us, using it as critical developmental feedback.  Learn what you can from it, do what you can with it... toss the rest away!
• Short list the people to please.  Of course we will want to please some of the people in our lives, we just don't want to get caught up in trying to please all of them.  Consider each situation as unique.  Who is it important to keep happy for that situation?  Your list will shift for each opportunity and challenge you face but, in all situations, You should be at the top of every short list.  

We all want to receive a validation of our value, not a rejection of it.  However, the first person that we should seek out to validate our ideas, opinions and worth is... Us.  The more we belief in ourselves and our cause the greater our protection against the rejection of others.  As the old John Fogerty song Garden Party goes (and feel free to sing the lyric in your head with Ricky Nelson's voice)... 

 'You see, you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself'

Out on a Limb

We do our best work when we are out on a limb.  No, not 'good' work, not 'gee I met deadline and
budget' work, not 'that'll keep me employed and might give me a raise at the end of the year work', I mean our very BEST work, our 'This will change the face of how people see me, buy stuff, think about stuff' work.

When we are out on a limb we are leading.  We hope others will see our vision and follow, but we start by being out there on our own making change.  We are pushing, pulling, stretching, transforming, challenging  the status quo in some way, and that requires us to take a risk.  We risk being mocked and ridiculed.  We risk being seen as wrong.  We risk being out on that limb alone... for a very long time... before others 'get' it and begin to follow us and we risk being out there alone with no one following us... ever.  

The problem, of course, is that it is damn uncomfortable out there on that limb.  Fear of falling (read... FAILING) keeps us playing it safe hugging the tree (read... maintaining the STATUS QUO).  Fear can make us give in to the pressures of others around us to conform.  Worrying about what our audience will think and say about what we're doing though will keep us tree-hugging forever.  In order to step away from the tree, and out on that limb, we have to be willing to let go of the thought that not everyone will 'get it', that not everyone will 'like it', that not everyone will 'buy it'.  And worse, of course, is the personalization of  'it', that people won't get us, like us, buy into us.

The sad truth though is that too many of us spend our lives hugging the tree and never step out to discover what we are capable of.  Our fears keep us clinging to the comfort and safety of the trunk and we fail to stretch ourselves, showing the world our very best selves.  

Where would we be if many before us had not gone out on a limb?

• Christopher Columbus
• Charles Darwin
• Albert Einstein
• Benjamin Franklin

And consider the impact of Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerburg or, even... Sir Thomas Crapper (inventor of the flush toilet... seriously!)

The limb you step out on need not be one that will change the face of the world, but if you are taking a risk on something it will mean change of some kind, even if on a smaller scale, even if only of one... you.  Too nervous to try?  Test it out by going out on a limb a little closer to the ground first, one which has less of a fall.  There's less of a risk, less of a change involved, but it is still a step forward, still a step toward strengthening your balancing skills - preparing you for those limbs higher up.

I'm implementing some changes this year, in my business and personal life, that have me precariously perched on a limb that seems pretty high up there to me.  It represents big challenges and risks but I believe it's the next step for me and for my growth.  I hope that you will join me out there at some point, that you follow me as I make those steps and changes, but I am stepping out on that limb regardless.  It is going to be scary, it will be intimidating and I know it could be a big fall for me but, and here's the big plus for those of you ready to step out on a limb of your own... I hear the view is great from up there!

'Reasoning' our way to Mediocrity

A great opportunity comes our way BUT we don't have the time available to take advantage of it... ... the money... OR... the expertise... OR... we're lacking the support from home we feel we'd need... OR... we'd have to move... OR... the dog's been sick and needs us... OR...
OR...

You get the picture.  There are never a shortage of Reasons for not doing something.  Few of us lack reasons for not taking on a new challenge, often because it seems scary or intimidating to us.  Perhaps we're afraid of trying something new because we don't want to fail.

Regardless of the reasons our conditioned mind created for us, the source typically stems from an underlying fear.

• Fear of failure
• Fear of change
• Fear of loss
• Fear of alienation
• Fear of risk...

The fear creates Reasons as to why we should not consider or attempt something new.  Our reasons will sound realistic.  Our reasons sound true.  Our reasons sound logical.  They serve one main purpose though.... they keep us in our comfort zone, and staying in that zone prevents us from learning, growing and expanding.

And... if we are not learning and growing, we become firmly entrenched in mediocrity.  We will be 'okay' but we will not be living an 'amazing' life.  If you are 100 years old, looking back on your life, how would you prefer to be describing the life you've lived?  Okay... or Amazing?

People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents".   Andrew Carnegie

If you find yourself always giving in, without question, to all of the Reasons for not doing or attempting something new, you are choosing the status quo.  You are choosing to remain firmly within your comfort zone.  Reasons don't get you there, only action will.  Therefore, you can have Reasons for not choosing action OR you can have the Results gained by having pushed through your discomfort and taking action.

Sometimes our reasons are justified, but all too often they are simply a knee-jerk reaction of our brain to the thought of change.  If you don't start challenging all of the reasons your brain gives you for not doing something, then you are going to find yourself stuck in the rut of mediocrity.

When next you find yourself confronted by a list of reasons for not taking action, tell yourself...

I can have Reasons, or I can have Results

And then... ask yourself...

What Results are these Reasons keeping me from achieving?

If you are unwilling to let that result go, then you need to see those reasons for what they are - Excuses - and push on through.  Few people looking back on their life are satisfied with all of the reasons for not living the life they desire.  Instead, we are satisfied and gratified to look back and see that our heart's desire was fulfilled.

What do you want to look back and see?

No Such Thing as Failure

If there is one lesson we learned and remember well from our grade school education it is the lesson of

Passing and Failing.  There was always some predetermined and pre-set target we had to meet or exceed in order to have passed.  Of all our lessons, this one was taught and retaught, learned and re-learned until it became a permanent fixture in our lives and our definition of 'success'.

Despite the fact that I am unable to strike the word 'failure' from the dictionary, I urge each one of us to strike it from our own personal lexicon.  It is often the fear of 'failure' that prevents us from taking risks, from even trying to obtain what we want out of life. It is the fear of 'not' achieving that holds us back from achievement itself.   Imagine though if there were no failure, no negative measure to avoid?  What would hold us back then?  What might we go on to achieve in our lives?

Consider a world in which we simply tried, tried and tried again until we succeeded, a world in which our lack of immediate success did not inhibit us from continuing to try to attain a certain goal.  This is the perspective I want us to adopt, the belief that there is no such thing as failure, only results.  Our actions lead us to results.  Period.  If they are not the desired results then we need to engage in different actions, and continue doing so, until we obtain the desired results.

There would be no negative connotation from the attempts that missed the mark, they would simply be learning experiences that helped us to narrow down our future choices.  We wouldn't hesitate to continue to strive for our desired results because there would be no stigma attached to missing.

No inventor gets it right the first time.  They use a constant feedback loop to help them narrow the choices they make and actions they take until the desired result is achieved.  Rather than being stymied by failure, they view the misses as opportunities to refine their approaches and narrow the gap between where they are and where they want to be.

How might you adopt this same approach to achieving your desired results?  Instead of beating yourself up over undesirable results, you embrace those results for the learning you received and the insights into the new actions you could take to get you closer if not exactly what you want.

Next time you find yourself criticizing yourself for having 'failed' to achieve something, adopt a new mantra...  tell yourself...

I didn't fail, I simply achieved a different result.  

Then... Consider what you can do differently to drive a more favourable result.  

This positive and proactive approach leaves you with control over the choices you make and the actions you take, without undermining your sense of confidence or personal empowerment.  Trying and Doing become the new mantras of Success.

The Value of 'New'

I had the pleasure of not only spending this past long-weekend at the cottage, but to have our eldest grandson (not quite three and a half) spend the weekend with us.  It was a pure joy watching him explore the cottage, the beach, the water, the creek, the paddle boat... No hesitation, just the constant refrain... 'Let me try that!'

Now that I'm back at the office and reflecting back on those moments, it occurs to me that many of us, as adults, have lost this willingness to try and experience new things.  We get so caught up the comfort of familiarity that we often go out of our way to avoid trying something new or different.  I see this with clients all of the time; clients who 'want' something different in their lives, as long as they don't have to 'do' anything different!  We're scared of looking silly as we learn or develop a new skill, we're concerned that others might 'see' or 'talk' about our lack of skill, we're afraid of the changes that something new might bring with it.  We have a host of reasons for not trying.

Not introducing something new into our lives is fine, as long as we are fully and completely satisfied with everything that we are, do and have in our lives.  I'm not convinced that anyone could fully and honestly say that this is true for them though.  Would there be nothing that you didn't harbour a secret interest in learning or experiencing?  Nothing that you hadn't wondered how it would feel to try it, to do it?  That curiosity is what we find most appealing about young children, but often the first thing that we restrict in ourselves, as we let our fear of the unknown or 'new' gain dominance.

Change seems to be a scary word today.  Too much seems to be changing around us, too fast.  For many, 'new' is synonymous with change and therefore 'new' is to be avoided.  However, let's reframe the thought of introducing newness into our lives.  Instead of 'new' equalling 'change', consider that...

• New = Growth
• New = Discovery
• New = Learning
• New = Opportunity

So...  let's work on creating an answer to the age-old question...  What's new with you?  The phrase 'nothing' is no longer an acceptable answer.  Your task is to now go and find/create/experience something new in your life.  It needn't be large, but it also needn't be small.  Think instead of something that you would like to experience or learn.  What would you like to try, have, be, do, taste, feel, see, learn...  Whatever word kick-starts a thought for you - Go With It! 

Nat King Cole started his amazingly successful singing career as a piano player.  In his mind... he played piano.  Period.  When playing in a bar, he was confronted by a patron who asked him to sing a song.  His response... I don't sing, I play piano.  However, when the owner of the bar told him to sing or he was fired, he sang.  He tried something new for him.  They heard something new for them, and his new career as a singer was launched. 

Now, we may not experience this level of success from our attempts at 'new', nor do we need to.  The point is though, had he let his comfort zone of being a 'piano player' overtake him, he would never have discovered a hidden talent and a hidden love.  What talents and skills are you keeping buried in your failure to explore something new?  What joys might you discover if you were to introduce yourself to new people, activities, places, things? 

Don't just think about this article.  Do something about it.  Take action.  Because... you know... the next time I see you I expect an answer to my question...

What's NEW with you?

A Life Well Lived

I read an article recently where they described the life of a well known author as a live 'well-lived'. That descriptive phrase stuck with me and I have to admit that I have been mulling it over for a number of weeks. In the end, I am still left with the question... What does a life well-lived look like?

Granted, we likely are all going to have our own highly individualized interpretations of what a life well-lived will mean to us. This is as it should be because, in the end, it is our life! However, I would hazard a guess that there are few of us that would look at a 60+ hour work week, spent pushing through someone else's projects and initiatives, with our off hours attached to the office through all of the devices that were supposed to save us time.. as indicative of the good life!

Instead, many find themselves living lives of quiet and consuming frustration, working consistently long hours, at a job they hate, to buy things they don't need, in order to impress people they don't like.  A life well-lived?  I think not!

Instead... we need to take back control and design our own lives.  Leaving it up to someone else simply means we spend our time fulfilling their needs and wants, never our own.  As for leaving our lives and careers in the hands of a corporation... well... let's face it.  Even the best intentioned companies want the most out of you that they possibly can. 

The Work...

To start...  write your definition.  What does a life well-lived look like to you?  Imagine it, then describe it.

Now... weigh your existing 'life' against it.  There are likely gaps, things you aren't doing and things you're doing too much of.  Did you have words like I couldn't, I shouldn't coming to mind?  Those are key trigger words for Fear.  Fear of trying something new, fear of failing, fear of embarassment, fear of ... something.  In order to live that life you imagined, it will be necessary to fight through that fear, to push beyond it.  The good news though... you don't need to push through in one giant leap.

Consider what small changes and steps you could make now that would move you closer toward truly living within the life you have, the life you've been given.  Begin taking control and consciously crafting a life of your choosing.  With list in hand... pick one action step that you can do now and... do it!

As for my definition of a life well-lived?  I've always been partial to the vision in my mind stimulated by the following description I once read somewhere (sorry, I don't know who to credit for this and I am paraphrasing...)

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!"

That's my vision.  What's yours?