Tip Thursday - Body Language

A positive cue to watch for in your interactions with others are what are called `gravity defying` behaviours, where the body is unconsciously moved in a motion upwards... against gravity. 

For example, raising the toe upward while standing (while the heel remains on the floor) is generally a sign that the person is feeling positively disposed toward what is being said. This type of behaviour is rarely seen with clinically depressed individuals. 

When people are excited and interested you tend to see more gravity defying behaviours. Just another little cue to keep in mind when `selling` someone, whether a product or even on an idea! 

Tip Thursday - Habits

We often have the best of intentions for creating new, positive behaviours but struggle to maintain them. One of the best ways to ensure that your new, desired behaviours get locked into habit is to set up defined 'Triggers' that help you to action that behaviour at specific times. These triggers serve as reminders that help you to activate the behaviour. Maybe you want to remember to check your schedule each morning before leaving for the office so you don't overlook meetings by being pulled off track by someone else's crisis the moment you step in the door - trigger your reminder to check by leaving your scheduler by the coffeemaker. When you go to grab your morning coffee... check the schedule. Want to learn to breathe more deeply each day? Set up some electronic reminders on your phone. When you hear the ping it's your signal to take 3-5 breaths from the diaphragm. Your triggers are most effective when they are attached to a habit that you already 'do' consistently (like having a coffee in the morning). Since this is a behaviour that is already habit your new behaviour becomes linked and anchored to this existing behaviour, helping to shift it into habit... faster!

Plugging your Loopholes to Success

Just as lawyers may look for contractual loopholes to get a client out of a particular deal, relationship or action so too do we create loopholes in our lives to get out of taking action.
When it comes to creating positive habits for ourselves we know far more about what we 'should' be doing to obtain our desired result than we often care to admit.  Therefore, it isn't typically a lack of knowledge that prevents us from moving forward, but often poor execution.  One barrier we all face in maintaining our positive habits is our seeming effortless ability to find and create loopholes to our success.

Loopholes are small points of justification that serve to excuse us from having to maintain a particular habit in a particular situation.  They are the 'reasons' we give ourselves to justify doing something other than what we said we would or know we should.  In essence, the loopholes we use let us off the hook.  We use these loopholes to create an exception to our desired status quo, thereby allowing us to engage in a behaviour counter to our desired positive habits.

How often have you caught yourself saying or using any of the following?

I've been so good that I deserve this.   This is a form of Moral justification, the 'cheat' behaviour serving as a reward for engaging in the positive behaviours you are attempting to solidify as habit. However, each time that we engage this loophole we are setting up the 'cheat' behaviour as the most desirable option.  Not engaging in it is then seen as deprivation and we begin to track how long we have gone without and begin building in those cheats and justifying them by how long we've been good.

I'm going to be starting tomorrow, so it's okay to do this today.  We have this fixation on creating 'starting' points that are future based, telling ourselves that the timing is better if we start tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of the year, or after the holidays.  Not only do we then delay beginning the desired actions but we serve to 'give permission' to over-indulge today because 'tomorrow' we will be course correcting.  It is not unusual for the loophole of 'tomorrow' to lead to far more excesses today than we would have allowed had we never invoked the loophole at all.

This doesn't count.  This loophole sees us creating certain loophole exceptions, times in which we are automatically excused from engaging in our positive behaviours.  This may be specific days (it's my birthday, I can do whatever I want), vacations, celebrations or even moments of illness.  Similarly we will create various 'rules' around when things don't seemingly count such as; I only ate the broken pieces of cookies and everyone knows those don't count, the glass wasn't full so it doesn't count, I'm under a lot of stress, I'm pregnant.  Each of these 'doesn't count' moments serves to undermine positive habit formation.

It would upset them if I didn't.  In this loophole we are justifying our behaviour out of a consideration for others.  In essence, we are being generous, kind and considerate.  It's a small price to pay for making others feel good... isn't it?  We then eat that piece of cake so as not to distress the baker, we don't exercise because we are too busy doing things for other people, we stock the house with junk food because we're buying it for others. We use others as the excuse for not doing what we said we were committed to doing.

I can't do this if I do that.  This is a false choice loophole, where we set one behaviour up against another, creating the implication that engaging in the first is what is preventing us from doing the second.  However, we tend to state them as absolutes, as a clear either/or decision despite the fact that they typically are not.  Usually the behaviours are not mutually exclusive at all.  "I can clean the breakfast dishes OR I can get to work on time."  "I can play with the kids OR I can workout." Creating a limited choice situation with behaviours leads you to believe that there were no other options, that you were restricted to engaging in one or the other behaviour only, whereas typically all that's needed is to replace the OR with the word AND.  "I can play with the kids AND I can workout."  "I can do the breakfast dishes AND I can get to work on time."  The wording is the only element that is holding you back from engaging in the positive habit.

Did you identify with any of the above?  Can you hear yourself falling back on using one or two of the loopholes described? Often all that is needed to break a loophole is to identify its existence.  Once we actually identify and pay attention to them they no longer sound as logical as they once did and we are able to see them simply as 'Excuses'.  We can have Reasons why we don't engage in our desired behaviours or we can have the Results we want.  Plug those loopholes to get your desired results.

Tip Thursday - Starting Clean

Let's face it, we don't always have the best habits.  Additionally, we often find them difficult to shift even if we recognise the need.  There are a number of strategies that you can use to help you transition more easily and readily to new habits.  One that is often overlooked is the Strategy of the Clean Slate. When we face life-changing moments we may find ourselves automatically making adjustments in our habits that we previously struggled with.  For example, those that have struggled with losing weight and getting fit in the past find it far easier to stick with their new regimens after having experienced a heart attack.  The attack served almost as a reset button.  Being more strategic about these Clean Slate Moment,s as they arise, allows us to take advantage of them more fully, helping us in shifting our behaviours more deliberately.  Any moment that represents a 'change' creates a Clean Slate Opportunity:  new job, new house, new relationship (or end of one), new pet... any fresh start will do!

6 Tips for getting Others to Treat you Better

People don't always treat us well.  Sometimes they are rude and belittling, sometimes they are disrespectful, sometimes they are completely insensitive to our needs.  When this is the exception, not the rule, we may simply choose to look past the behaviour and offer some empathy, knowing they must be facing something stressful to be behaving the way they are.

But, what about those people that seem to always be rude, always be belittling us, always disrespecting our needs and wants?  You know who they are...

• Co-workers that count on you to do all of the work
• Friends who cancel outings with you always at the last minute, knowing you'll understand
• Partners who talk down to you
• Bosses who dump work on you at the last minute every Friday evening
• Family that counts on you to do all of the prep work for the family gatherings

If you have people in your life that are not treating you the way you would like them to, it is time to accept your responsibility in them doing so.

What you allow is what will continue.   - Unknown

We have far more control over how others treat us than we tend to acknowledge.  Consider how you treat others in your life.

• Do you have friends that you wouldn't hesitate to drop in on without notice, simply because you are in their area... and others you wouldn't even consider visiting without having given a week's notice?
• Do you have family you can be open and honest with... and others that you don't share your thoughts and feelings with at all?
• Do you have co-workers that you don't mind helping out... and others you begrudge their requests of you?

In each of the above cases I'm sure that you acknowledge there is a distinct difference in the way you treat others in your life, chiefly driven by your experience of them.  You may have a friend that is very laid back about the state of her house and so you know that she doesn't need any notice before you drop by, whereas another friend would become completely unglued if you dropped by and they hadn't had a chance to 'tidy' things up first.  

Your experience of 'them' led you to alter the behaviours you engage in.  Likely far more than you even consciously realize.  When visiting your more laid back friend, you are more likely to make yourself at home, putting your feet up, making the tea, letting their dog out, behaviours you wouldn't even think of engaging in when visiting your more uptight friend.  You have modified your behaviours to fit more appropriately with each of them.  

Think, then, as to how the experience that others have of 'you' has shaped the way that they behave and interact with you.  

• Co-workers that rely on you to get the work done - because you always do it without pushing them to contribute
• Friends who cancel out of plans at the last minute - because you always have 'no problem' with them doing so
• Family that counts on you to prepare everything for family gatherings - because you always handle it all, telling them they needn't worry about bringing anything

People don't do things independently of outcomes.  If they are not treating you the way you'd like it is because they are getting something that they want from the exchange.  If there wasn't something in it for them then they would stop.  Think about what they are 'getting' from you.  If you want them to modify their behaviour then modify yours such that they are no longer receiving the reward they are after.  

If you are looking to get others in your life to treat you better then you need to shift how you are treating them.  Although we can not change the behaviour of others, we always have control over...

• How we interpret the behaviours of others
• How we respond to those behaviours
• How we allow those behaviours to impact our lives

If you're looking to create a 'change' in how others perceive and treat you, start with the following tips to get you started.

Name Your Limits

You need to be clear about your boundaries if you want others to respect them.  What are you willing to tolerate, accept and live with?  What aren't you?  If you aren't clear on this then you are going to be giving very mixed signals about how you want to be treated.  It has to be clear to you before you can begin making it clear to others.

Give Yourself Permission

Sometimes we are fearful of the reactions of others, or we feel guilty at the thought of putting our needs first.  However, boundaries are a sign of self-respect.  If you want people to respect you, then you first need to respect yourself.  You must give yourself permission to put yourself first, to accept you are deserving and that you have rights and needs that are just as important and valued as theirs.

Check Your Personal Engine Light

This is a great gauge to use in coming to understand where boundaries are needed.  Any exchange that drains your personal batteries, that leaves you running on fumes, deserves a much closer look.  If your exchanges with someone always seem to leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed - then you are not being treated as you should and likely need better boundaries.  If your Check Engine Light goes on it is a signal that you need to address.

Use Your Feet

Don't feel that you have to remain in a negative situation.  Vote with your feet and simply walk away when someone is treating your poorly.  If you can't give voice to your concerns and needs in the moment you needn't remain and take it.  Walk away until you are in a better place to address your needs.

Demonstrate the Behaviour

It will be difficult to get someone to treat you with respect if you don't demonstrate respect for them or yourself. Emulate the behaviour so they can replicate it.  This is a two-way street my friend. Don't expect others to treat you better if you consistently treat them as less.

Right to 'No' Better

'No' is a complete sentence.  It doesn't need explanations, it doesn't need embellishments.  Learn how to say it.  You have the right to say No to being lied to, to say No to taking on the responsibilities of others to say No to unhealthy relationships.  Consider where your life might improve through the judicious use of a 'No' or two.

As it turns out, we have far more control over how others treat us than we may prefer to believe, typically because it means that we need to take some actions that will prove unpopular and therefore challenging for us.  The question you need to ask yourself is... 

What will it take for me to accept no less than I want from others?   

Believing you deserve better and that you have a right to better gives you the strength to begin expecting better.

The Workplace: Playground of the Bully Boss

According to a recent 2014 Workplace Bullying survey, Bullies abound in business.  More than 65 million workers in the US reported being affected by workplace bullying behaviour.  The Workplace Bullying Institute has found that, of those people reported having been repeatedly bullied in the workplace, 72% of those bullies were bosses.  It seems that as much as the schoolyard is the stomping ground of Bully boys and girls, the workplace is the playground of the Bully Boss.

Bullying in the workplace can take on many guises; yelling, cursing, losing temper, putting people down, negative and unfair criticism, discounting ideas, snide remarks, exploitation, and other controlling behaviours.  Taken on their own no one behaviour constitutes bullying, it's the continual and perpetual put downs and negative behaviours that create the abusive environment, serving to undermine the potential success of the employee.  The continual need to run a gauntlet of fear, every time they show up to work, takes a toll on the mental and physical health and well-being of the employee.

"Workplace bullying has become a silent epidemic in North America, one that has huge hidden costs in terms of employee well-being and productivity.  Also known as psychological harassment or emotional abuse,  bullying involves the conscious repeated effort to wound and serioudly harm another person, not with violence, but with words and actions.  Bullying damages the physical, emotional and mental health of the person who is targeted."             Ray Williams, Wired for Success

The Top 5 health issues experienced by those being bullied include:

• Anxiety (76%)
• Loss of Concentration  (71%)
• Disrupted Sleep  (71%)
• Hyper-vigilance Symptoms  (60%)
• Stress Headaches  (55%)

Additionally, the bullying behaviour puts people into a protective mode which means they are not likely to look for opportunities to stand out in any way.  They do not seek any unwanted attention and therefore make fewer decisions, back away from any risk taking behaviours and stop speaking up in meetings or sharing their knowledge and expertise.  It is clear that the organization then begins to suffer the loss of the contributions of these people.  

If the organization 'loses' the efforts and contributions of bullied employees, why are there so few organizations that are actively taking a stance against bullying behaviour?  Apparently the biggest determining factor rests on how 'successful' the bully is.  Not in their bullying but in making money for the company.  

Unsuccessful bullies don't last long.  But successful bullies?  It seems that the positive results that they bring to the organization might lead the company to attempt to 'overlook' some of their negative behaviours.  Enough so that many bullies come to believe that they are 'untouchable' or bullet-proof, simply because they make money for the company. At some point though, it becomes too costly for the organization to continue to overlook or ignore the behaviours... but only if the organization is put in the position of coming to understand just what the 'bully' is costing versus making for them.

In either event, it is clear that we will all face a workplace bully at least once in our careers, if not more often.  Just what actions do the experts recommend we take in dealing with them?  Here are the best Tactics of the Pros...

• Confront the Bully.  Now I want to be clear that not all experts support this, especially if the bully is your boss.  Confrontation can come with a cost.  That said though, many of our stressors are driven out of a sense of inaction so taking a stand for yourself may be just what is needed.  If so, there are a couple of common recommendations that all pros would offer: confront in private because bullies won't back down in public, confront early so that the bully has not gotten locked into an expectation of treatment or bullying, use the moment to highlight your boundaries.  Bullies typically lack boundaries on their behaviours. Confronting them helps you to establish yours.  In essence... they can't bully you if you refuse to be bullied.
• Be specific about the behaviour.  Be clear and to the point about the behaviour you find unacceptable, describing it with as little emotion as possible.  Additionally, be specific about how you would like to be treated instead.  Don't leave them to come up with an alternative behaviour, they clearly don't have a clue.  Share with them what and how you expect to be treated in future.
• Don't be an Armchair Psychoanalyst.  Don't attempt to psychoanalyze the bully, offering your own armchair diagnosis as to 'why' they engage in the behaviour.  Don't worry about the reasons, just focus on the results you are after.  You are trying to control the emotional aspects of the dialogue, not escalate theirs.
• Use positive reinforcement.  Catch them doing something right!  When they do treat you courteously or professionally, thank them.  Reward them.  Recognize them for making an effort. Even if they aren't perfect yet, reinforce the positive direction.  
• Be a model of good citizenship.  Model the behaviours you are after.  It will be difficult to get others to treat you better than you are seen treating others.  If you want to hold the bully accountable to a certain yardstick you had better be living to the same measurement!
• Speak to co-workers.  Determine if you are the only one being mistreated or whether others are experiencing the same treatment.  Is your boss 'picking on you' because they are a bully or are they, in fact, attempting to deal with your poor performance?  Ensure that your issue with their behaviour isn't really an issue with yours.  

Many people choose to internalize the bullying.  Don't allow someone else's issues and inappropriate behaviour to become your issues.  Name it!  Legitimize it!  It is bullying, it is psychological harassment, it is emotional abuse and it is a problem with them, not with you.  There is tremendous healing power in naming something.  

Many people choose to try to ignore the bullying, fearing that they may lose their jobs otherwise. However, the targets of bullying tend to lose their jobs (involuntarily, by choice, or for health reasons) over 75% of the time.  It is therefore no riskier to call out a bully than it is to try to ignore the behaviour.  When calling out the bully though, ensure that you have your escape route planned in advance and your documentation of their behaviour in place.  

The best method to use in highlighting their behaviour to senior management is to build a business case demonstrating that the bully is simply 'too expensive to keep'.  Pull together as much documentation as you can that clearly demonstrates the Costs of Bullying.  Who has left due to the bully?  How much has it cost to search for, hire and train replacements?  How much has the organization had to pay out in sick leave for bullying related illnesses, absenteeism, or even past litigation of complaints?

The bottom line truly comes down to the fact that Bullying, in whatever form, is unacceptable whether at school, at home or at the office.  Don't suffer in silence, seek out the help you need whether it's to manage the situation or to bow out of it.  There are always options, ensure you explore yours! 

It's Time to Take Notice!

Changes occur, whether in science, in corporations, in life, in ourselves because someone has taken notice of

something and determined to do something about it.  Think about it…

• ·         Scientists are studying and trying to understand the root causes of diseases and are therefore uncovering new ways of treating them
• ·         Technological advances have been made in great leaps because people continued to focus on and experiment with new ideas

The important question then becomes - What are you focusing on?

We have the ability to change virtually anything about ourselves and our lives, but we need to understand what we want to change, why we want to change it and how we plan to go about it.  Many people identify something they would like to have or do, with little thought given to why they aren't currently doing it.  This simple introspective step is the critical key to being successful in changing and maintaining new behaviours.  

Many of us spend our time accumulating knowledge but little time in developing our self awareness.  This lack of understanding of we are and why we choose what we do is often the biggest barrier to our getting what we want  from our lives.  It is our lack of self awareness that prevents us from developing ourselves as fully as we can, or as much as we probably should. 

“We are already the most over-informed, under-reflective people in the history of civilization” Robert Kegan, Lisa Lahey (Harvard-based Psychologists)

True development involves making changes.  It is about transforming the way we think, react and behave. It is our lack of understanding and awareness of how we currently think and behave that is our biggest hurdle to overcome. Most of us work long hours. We are constantly juggling priorities and we rarely feel that we have enough time to devote to what is most important to us. Sadly, many of us are too caught up in simply ‘keeping up’ that we have lost sight of what is truly important to us in our lives. This state of 'busyness' has led us to being less introspective and less self aware.  However, limitations always begin with a lack of awareness.  You don’t (and can't) change what you don’t know needs changing.

• What is the impact on you and on others in your life of the choices you have made?
• What would be the impact in your life of making a different choice?

These are questions we need to explore to accept that we are who and where we are in life because of the choices that we have made.  Our discomfort, dissatisfaction and dissonance is of our own making.  If we want different, we need to choose differently.

We are skilled at self deception however, which allows us to avoid discomfort, to be accepting of  (if not feel good about) what we are doing, what we believe, what we have become.  We therefore avoid taking a more introspective look because we are afraid of what we’ll see.  Learning to pay more attention to our feelings, as we are feeling them and before we start deluding ourselves about how we truly feel, allows us to make more reflective choices about how we want to live our lives. to reflect further on what was really happening when you made that decision.  

If you find yourself feeling as though you need to justify the choices you've made, especially to yourself, you likely are in self-delusion mode.  Instead, use this as a signal to reflect further on what was really taking place when you made that decision, how you really felt about it, what you might have preferred and why you opted out of choosing it.  

To heighten your awareness and to become better at Taking Notice of potential positive areas of change, consider maintaining an Awareness Journal.  Establish a couple of set times each day to use as checkpoints to determine – and record – how you are feeling in that moment. Record what you are doing and how you are truly feeling about the activity. Learning to observe our emotions helps us to learn to become more intentional in our actions.

Fully 95% of our behavior is a habit, whether through our unconscious or in direct response to external stimuli.  We are run far more by our primitive reactionary brains that we like to believe. It is through mindfully and deliberately exploring how we truly feel about the situations we are engaged in, and what our desired outcomes and preferences are, that we can gain more conscious control over our actions, driving our outcomes.  

We will not achieve anything that we are not intentionally focusing on in life.  If we want to lose weight we must focus on making choices and taking actions that will lead us to that end.  If we want to get fit, stop smoking, get a promotion, learn a new skill, or take up a new hobby we need to become more mindful about how we truly feel about the desired outcome, how we feel about the individual choices and actions that will take us there. Are you willing to do what it will take to achieve your desired outcome?

We get what we notice and pay attention to.  What are you focusing on?

STOP Wasting your Mental Resources

Let's face it, we all have only so much conscious thinking space and time available to us.  Stop wasting yours by engaging in unproductive thought processes like Worrying and Making Excuses.  The time you spend in these types of activities simply wastes your Mental Resources. And, to make matters worse, when you catch yourself engaged in a negative thought, such as worrying needlessly, do you let it continue?  If so, you are encouraging the brain to continue to think in these same ways in future.

Instead, you want to catch yourself engaging in these wasteful moments of thought, such as worrying needlessly, and STOP the behaviour.  Yes, tell your brain to STOP!  This is a Pattern Interrupt, which means you are deliberately interrupting a habitual pattern of behaviour.  By literally (and out loud if you're able) telling your brain to STOP, you interrupt its habitual pattern, making it more susceptible to suggestion. In that moment, tell the brain how you would prefer it to think and operate.

As your brain then modifies its thinking pattern and shifts itself to a more positive direction, don't forget to reward it for doing a good job!  Let it know that you appreciate the more positive path and direction and how much you will enjoy seeing more of the same in future.  I know this may sound vaguely silly, but our brains are us.  They like being rewarded for good and appropriate behaviour, just as we do.  Stopping the inappropriate behaviour and reinforcing the positive helps to establish a clear distinction between the two that is hard for the brain to ignore in future.

Use your Mental Resources and talents wisely by orienting them in a direction that serves you.  If you find it difficult to Stop worrying, then give the brain something to do instead.  Your brain loves solving problems so give it one to focus on, especially one that aligns with your goals.  Deliberately distract your brain from focusing on worrying elements and shift it into solving challenges that help move you into positive directions. We all have more brain power than we think, but we often squander what we have.  Stop wasting your mental resources by using them in unproductive ways and direct them to establishing more positive habits.

Building Habits - One Step at a Time

If you're like most people, you've likely got some bad habits kicking around that you would like to change,
or perhaps have some 'good' habits you'd like to adopt.  Possibly you have even tried stopping a bad habit in the past (or starting a new good one), only to abandon the attempt as it proved too difficult for you to achieve or stick with.  For some people, the all-or-nothing approach works.  They define the 'new' habit or system they want to adopt, replace the old ineffective one with it, and... keep doing it until it is comfortably ensconced as the new habit.  They make it seem easy.

For many of us though, it's much more of a struggle.  We want to lose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, meditate, read more, get up earlier... we have endless lists of things we'd like to do that prove almost impossible for us to make happen.  We then get demoralized by our attempts and settle in trying to 'live with' the fact that we just aren't cut out to be thinner, healthier, smoke-free...

In these cases, we need to try a different route to our end goal, not to abandon it as unobtainable.  We need to take a more counter-intuitive route.  Consider the following.  When IBM had the most dominant sales force of any organization, they did so by assigning their team the lowest sales quotas of any of their competitors.  The thinking was to give their sales force quotas that weren't daunting.  They wanted their people to feel that the goal was obtainable, not to be too intimidated to even begin.  They found that not only did their sales people pick up the phone and start calling, they worked to exceed the assigned quota.

The idea then is to start small.  Give yourself a target that is so easily achievable that you can't help but to exceed it, creating an instantaneous win.  By the time you have reached that point you have likely created enough momentum that you continue a number of steps beyond your target.  Reaching a goal is always motivational.  Exceeding your targets... more so.  It becomes self-perpetuating.

If you want to... start flossing your teeth every day, start out by planning to floss only one tooth.  Odds are... once you've flossed one, you can't help flossing them all while you're at it.  Finding the time in your morning routine to floss your teeth every day can seem like too much time that you don't have.  Flossing one tooth?  Much easier to fit into your schedule.

If you want to... begin running 3 kilometres every day, start out by planning to just run around the block.  Odds are... you'll begin to find that once you're dressed and out there, you'll run further.  Perhaps not every day to start but you'll hit days where the sun is shining, your stride feels smooth... and away you go.

If you want to... write a book, start out by planning to write 2 crummy pages a day.  Not good pages, crummy pages.  Who couldn't write two bad pages?  Odds are... once you sit down to write you'll find you hit a groove and write more, and better.

In each example, we have set a low enough target that it is not intimidating.  Often, the biggest hurdle for people to face is simply in starting.  Make the target low enough that beginning isn't an issue, that you are excited to start because you think... 'I can do that!'  Once we start the second biggest hurdle kicks in which is sticking with it.  When the goal is set too high we can easily become discouraged or demoralized.  It becomes easy to abandon our attempts, believing we'll never make it, that we aren't cut out to do it.  We quit before the new habits have a chance to take hold.  If we get our wins early in the game though, if we build it in such a way that we exceed our expectations consistently, then we have built in the positive reinforcement of our efforts.  We continue.

When we're looking to change our habits what is important is not how fast we make it happen, but that we make it happen.  If the all-in approach works for you... great!  If not, try the approach described above.  Both paths get you to the same end destination.  Which route you take to get there will only be questioned by those who want to replicate your success.

Stop Hijacking your Emotions

When your emotions get the better of you, taking control of your actions and words, you have allowed
yourself to be Hijacked.  Daniel Goleman, well known author of Emotional Intelligence, uses the term emotional hijacking in his work to describe those moments when our emotions take over control of our reason, our behaviour and our words.

For me though, the term is a bit of a misnomer because you aren't actually being taken over.  Hijacking implies that you are not in control, someone or something else is.  However, you are always in control of your responses.  You are not being hijacked by your emotions, you are deferring to them.  They are not taking control of your responses, you are giving over control to them.  This very real, and very distinct, difference means that we are capable then of choosing not to lose control, of not giving in to our emotions, of not being at the mercy of our response.  We can choose differently.

Yes people will say stuff and do stuff that drives us crazy, makes us angry, upsets us, hurts and wounds us.  But... it is our choice to either defer to that emotional response or to choose a different, better and more personally helpful response.  However, just like biting our nails, over-eating  may have become habits in our lives, so too have many of our emotional responses.  Just as we can, in fact, change our habits and gain control over our nail-biting and over-eating, so too can we change our responses to situations.  We don't have to be at the mercy of any choices we have made in the past.  If they don't serve us in moving forward then we need to open ourselves to the desire to choose differently in the future.

Here are a couple of suggestions to help you pull back your conscious control of your emotional responses...

1.  Reduce the size of your 'Board'.  In my book, Choose the Life you Really Want, I outline an exercise called the Board of Directors.  The idea here is to identify all those individuals that you have invited over your lifetime to sit at your personal board table. These individuals are those that have an influence on the decisions and choices you make, whose opinions matter to you, who you make an effort to please.  Most of us have far too large of Board that we are trying to please.  Additionally, because they hold the position of Board member they have not only the power to influence us but the power to hurt and upset us.  By strategically working to reduce the size of our Board, to contain only those who serve us today, we reduce the potential for losing control of our emotions.  If our Board is cut in half, so too should our emotional episodes.  People are on your Board to serve you and guide you in some capacity. They are not on your Board to be served.  Reduce the size of your Board to contain only those that matter for you.  Basically... remove the others and, if they no longer matter, then you will no longer mind!

2.  Keep a log.  Maintain a log of all of your emotional episodes detailing; who was involved, what was it about, how did you feel, what was your response.  Over time you will gather enough examples of these episodes to truly be able to identify your biggest triggers.  Knowing and understanding your hotspots allows you to begin proactively developing your strategies for responding differently to them in future.  These prevent you from simply allowing the old emotional 'habit' to kick in.

3.  Know your desired responses.  This becomes a key component for anyone attempting to change any behavioural habit.  Know what you want instead.  You need to clearly define what your desired response is. In order to forestall the habitual behaviour from simply kicking in, you need to have a clearly defined alternative.  Give yourself something definitive to choose in that moment of anger or hurt. This allows you to break the previous habitual pattern and begin establishing a new one.

Managing the Gap

Viktor Frankl was the author of Man's Search for Meaning, he was a Jewish Psychiatrist and a Holocaust
survivor (of Auschwitz and Dachau).  One of the greatest messages he brought with him through all that he experienced and suffered during his internment was that most who survived did so because of the way in which they chose to view and respond to the situation they faced.

Between stimulus and response there is a gap and within that gap lies all our freedom.                            Viktor Frankl

The stimulus they faced in the camps was deprivation, torture and uncertainty.  Their response often was to lose hope and to give up.  Those that chose this path, Frankl discovered, often just withered away and died.  Those that determined they had a reason to live, did so because they shifted their response.  It was in how people managed the gap between the stimulus and their response to it that, ultimately, determined survival.

When a stimulus is applied we have built-in responses to it, responses that we have conditioned over time, similar to Pavlov's dogs salivating at the sound of a bell.

• someone makes a derogatory comment about how we look in our outfit and we get upset
• a co-worker doesn't agree with an idea we brought forth and we get angry
• someone cancels dinner with us and we get depressed
• someone cuts us off on the highway and we feel rage

All of these may be conditioned responses, operating unconsciously, but they exist because we set them up to be our preferred response at some point.  Good news though, we can condition a new response!  Despite the fact that it feels like a direct and instantaneous route from the stimulus to our response (feelings) there is actually a gap in there, providing us with the opportunity to assess the stimuli and determine our responses.  

Most of the time we simply opt for easy and therefore siphon the response off to our conditioned default setting.  But we can break this pattern if the result is not desirable.  There are three key steps to creating the right foundation for the shift to occur.

1. Begin by determining that the existing behaviour is undesirable.  You have to want to change it more than you want to keep it.  If you 'like' feeling depressed, angry or hurt you will not be able to let the behaviour go until you paint yourself a picture, of the new behaviour, that is more positive and serves you more.
2. You have to believe that it is your job to change it.  Not some higher power, not your mother, not your boss, not your spouse, not the guy next door.  It's your life, your behaviour and your responsibility.  If you defer this to someone else then you will simply wait for them to 'fix' it for you, which isn't going to happen.  Only you can fix it, but you have to take responsibility for it to happen.
3. You have to believe that you can, that it is within you to control your responses and change it.  If you believe that you are at the mercy of that conditioned response (I call this the Popeye Principle: I am what I am and that's all that I am) then... you're done.  You have to believe you have all of the requisite knowledge, skill, ability and desire to make it happen.  

Master these three steps, commit to them, identify your new response and... you can change it in an instant.  Managing the Gap is not always difficult, but it is necessary if you want to change your responses.  It doesn't even matter if you 'see' a gap or not.  Trust that it's there, believe the change is within your control and step into the new behaviour/response.  

Wrong action won't bury you, but wrong reaction will.  You cannot control your outer circumstances but you can control your inner choices.   Darren Hardy (Success Magazine)

Creating Your 'New' Normal

Change is tough.  We know how difficult it is to change our habits... eat less sugar, exercise more, get up earlier... whatever our particular need.  However, perhaps we're making it harder than it need be.

Most changes that we try to introduce into our lives tend to be made in an 'all or nothing' framework.  We want to exercise more so we join a gym and plan on going 3 times a week.  We want to eat less sugar so we cut out all sugar from our diets.  We want to eliminate caffeine so we stop drinking coffee.  Period.

These typically prove to be big challenges for us.  Perhaps too big.  We feel the loss.  We struggle and... we typically quit.  It proves too big and painful a shift for us to make and we therefore revert to our old ways, our comfortable habit patterns.  Perhaps though, it is not the goal that is wrong but the path we've chosen to get us there.

Think of your existing habit pattern as your current 'Normal'.  Think of this like a point you've set on a thermostat.  If you decided you wanted to reduce energy use in your house by dropping the preset temperature by 5 degrees, from the 73F you are comfortable with to a desired 68F... you would walk around wearing sweaters or toting a blanket complaining about the cold.  Instead, reduce it by 1 degree.  Try it for a week.  It will likely prove to be a minor adjustment that you acclimatize to fairly quickly.  In week two, drop it another degree.  Your ultimate goal is to get it down to 68 degrees.  Don't make it all about having to get there all at once.

Leo Babuta, of 'Zen Habits' fame (see below for a link to his book if you haven't read this yet!) speaks about the need to create a 'New' Normal for ourselves.  When he decided to eliminate sugar from his coffee (and he took a lot of sugar!) he didn't do it all at once.  Instead, he reduced his sugar by half a teaspoon for the first week.  At first it didn't taste as good to him, but then it started to taste 'normal'.  At that point, he then reduced it by another half teaspoon.  He continued this pattern until, ultimately, he learned to love his coffee with no sugar.

Don't make change harder than it needs to be.  Introduce incremental changes that move you closer toward your ultimate goal.  If your current normal is to sleep in until the last possible second before you race off to work, but you would like to have more time in the mornings, whether to have a more relaxed start to your day, to fit in a little exercise or meditation, or to just read quietly for half an hour before heading off to work...  start small.  Instead of waking up an hour earlier, start with 10 minutes.  Make that your new set point, your new normal.  When those 10 minutes are comfortable for you, they feel natural and normal... reset your clock adding in another 10 minutes.  Eventually... you will have your hour and, perhaps more importantly, you will have your hour without feeling the loss or sacrifice of sleep had you tried for the full hour all at once.

Creating a New Normal for yourself is perhaps the easiest way to create a new habit.  Who said that breaking habits or introducing new desirable habits had to be a struggle?

Our minds tend to adjust over time.  That's my change process - I gradually adjust what's normal to me      ... Leo Babuta

       

Common Courtesy: Apparently not so common

When did Courtesy go out of style?  Did I miss the memo?

How difficult is it for someone to hold the door open long enough for you, who are only three steps behind, to grab it before it begins to close?  Why do people edge closer to the car in front, virtually riding on their bumper, just to avoid letting someone in from an on-ramp?

In fact, when did people start believing that they were entitled to inflict their bad attitude and behaviour upon everyone else?  This isn't happening just in the 'public' sphere, it's not just a reflection of 'road rage', I am seeing more and more discourteous and downright rude behaviour occurring in the workplace.  Senior level people who seem to think that their position gives them the right to mistreat or be short with others.

Is it due to the seemingly constant state of 'busyness' that everyone surrounds themselves with?  Is everyone in such a state of 'overwhelm' that they no longer have the time, let alone the inclination, to engage in the niceties of interacting with others?

To make matters worse, it is usually those that believe it is acceptable to say whatever they want - about and to others - that cry foul, unfair, unjust when they are held accountable for their actions.  Why should it be such a surprise that there are consequences for the actions we take?  It's Newton's 3rd Law of Action after all... for every Action there will be an equal and opposite Reaction.  If you don't like the result - Change the Behaviour!

Disrespecting others is a choice.  If you don't like the consequence or the outcome - choose differently.

Rant over.

The Purpose of Customer Service

I'm in the midst of moving.  The house, the businesses... it's chaotic and never as straight forward as it should be.  Issues arise concerning repairs that need to be made, furniture that no longer works in the new place, appliances that don't fit, services that can't (or won't) transfer to the new 'geographic' location which is only 5 minutes away.  I am frustrated, looking for help, seeking answers.

And then... I enter your store.  I have a question about whether you have a specific product that you can sell me.  It is not on your shelves.  I have looked.  I need to know if you can get it for me, I am willing to pay.  I need a yes/no answer to make me happy.  Should be simple... right?

There is a store full of associates, all of whom approach me asking if they can help.  The downside though?  They can't.  No one knows the answer and, apparently, no one can find the answer except the 'one guy' in a department they don't work in.  They quietly drift off, pulling out their cells, leaning against display cases, texting.  I am still without an answer because the 'one-guy' is busy chatting with another customer.

I get that.  He's busy.  If I were that customer I would want him to focus on me and not waste my time answering questions for everyone else but me.  Except...  he does nothing to acknowledge me in any way.  No eye contact to say 'hey, I know you're waiting, bear with me I will be there as soon as I can'... no raised hand to indicate 'give me 5 minutes and I'm all yours'...  nothing.

I continue to wait.  10 minutes and... nothing.  Nothing but a studious intent to not make eye contact or acknowledge me in any way.  20 minutes... 30.  40 minutes and... I'm gone.  I go home, go online, find my answer, make my purchase... from a competitor.

That associate went home feeling like he had done his job.  He likely made comments about the 'woman' who was in the store but walked out before he could get to her but, hey... not his fault!  He's only one guy and he was busy serving a customer...  that's his job.

In a very small-view way he is right.  However, in the bigger picture he doesn't even come close.  Customer service isn't about the 'one,' it's about the many.  Your business isn't and can't survive by only servicing the few.  You have to be more inclusive of others and find ways to make them feel that you care, you're interested and you're there to help.  At the end of the day, customer service is simply about how you make your customers feel.  Your product offerings, deals, prices, points rewards and return policy are all nice but they don't ensure future sales.  How you make the customer feel about doing business with you will.

That store has lost any future business from me on the basis of that one interaction (or lack of interaction more specifically).  A quick glance my way to acknowledge me, a slight apologetic grin, would have made all the difference.  Instead, I won't be back.  Perhaps not a big deal for them in the long term, I am only one customer.  However, if this is the way they train their staff, if this is representative of how they view customers, then I am likely one of many potential customers that will find what they need elsewhere.

Delivering great Customer Service isn't all that difficult and it doesn't take big money programs.  Think about how you want your customer to feel and then make it happen.  It isn't any more complicated then that.

The Perceived Leader

If you put a group of people together and give them a task, a leader will emerge. It's inevitable.


I was thinking about this concept the other night while watching an episode of Survivor.  There was a returning player telling the camera that his strategy this time around was to lay back and not take charge of the group.  He was going to avoid the 'leader' role. However, as soon as the group arrived at their home beach, he started tossing out ideas and suggestions about what should be done, how it should be done and the order of each.  He couldn't help himself.  The other players immediately labelled him as 'leader'.

In a recent study, published in Personality and Social Psychology, it was suggested that leaders emerge in problem solving situations due to two primary factors:

• their outspoken behaviour
• how others perceive this behaviour

It typically has very little to do with competence.  In fact, there is often a big gap between the actual Competence and the Perception of a leader's capabilities; the perception of leadership capability having been driven by the individual's outspoken behaviour and not their competence.  

In the study it was found that the leader's dominant behaviour during group problem solving led them to offer more suggestions than others did, thereby increasing their perceived value by others in the group.  It is interesting to note though that their solutions were no better or worse than anyone else's. There were just more of them.  When reviewing the content of the suggestions it was found that the 'leaders' did not add the best value, they were just heard from first and most often.

The results of this study help to understand a critical issue that Introverts face when looking to heighten their leadership profile.  They must learn to share more during group situations.  The difficulty that most Introverts face though is that they prefer to fully process something before sharing a finished conclusion.  They aren't comfortable in sharing a partially developed idea, since that does not have as much perceived value to them as an idea that is fully processed.  Therefore, Introverts don't tend to speak up as often as their more outspoken peers although they tend to share more solid content when they do.  As we've seen though, there is a gap between Competence and Perception.  Introverts may share more content and value-filled ideas than their outspoken peers but they are not likely to be perceived as a 'leader' by the group since they don't share as often. 

Despite their discomfort in doing so then, it is evident that Introverts need to learn to 'share' more often in group situations if they want to heighten their leadership profile.  The following are two solid strategies you can use to be seen as more of a leader within your team activities:

Speak up early, if not first.

Introverts will find it easier to speak up if they are not caught up in processing too much information.
Therefore, make a point of speaking early in a meeting, before there have been too many topics raised bogging down your thought processing centers.  First is best, but early and often counts too!

Go for Volume.

Pull from the studies above to recognise that it is the act of tossing out ideas and suggestions that has perceived value by the group, not necessarily  'good' ideas.  Introverts like to share solid content. Therefore, they tend to hold onto their thoughts until they have reached a finished conclusion.  This costs them visibility.  Instead, learn to let go of the need to share something that is fully formed and share the issues that you are mulling over.  The group will perceive that as having as much value as your finished conclusion would have netted you, getting you into the game earlier and more often.
  

That Survivor contestant engaged in all the right activities to be quickly perceived as and labelled a leader.  However, unlike in our careers, when you are playing Survivor it is important to know how 'not' to be seen as the leader, which meant keeping his ideas and suggestions to himself.  Although he believed he was merely being 'helpful', speaking up first and often will be perceived as a bid for power by the group.  In the board room this could be a good thing.  On the 'island' decidedly not.

The Chameleon Effect

In my Executive Presence and Body Language  seminars, perhaps the most frequently asked question
is...

Does mimicking other people's body language 'really' help them to like us more?

Certainly self-help books and sales training manuals have advised us for decades that mirroring the body language of others can have a positive impact on rapport. Chartrand & Bargh (1999) set out to address, in a series of experiments, a slightly larger question.

Does mimicry actually increase liking OR do we automatically mimic others in our interactions with them?  

Two key sets of experiments were conducted.  In the first, people met with an experimental 'confederate' who was instructed to vary their mannerisms throughout the meeting.  Some smiled more, some waggled their foot more, others engaged in more face touching.  The findings? Participants naturally and unconsciously tended to copy the confederate, following and mirroring their gestural cues.  Face touching went up 20%, while foot waggling increased as much as 50%. This definitely indicates that we unconsciously will mimic the behavioural cues of others during our interactions with them.  Although not tested in this series of experiments, others have found that this unconscious behaviour occurs more when you want the other party to think favourable of you than when you do not.  (think interviews versus adversarial meetings)

This then begs the question...  can you get people to like you more by mimicking them?  In a follow up experiment, Chartrand & Bargh wanted to determine whether there is a true benefit to behavioural mimicry, or whether it is simply a natural by-product of our social interactions.  In this experimental series, instead of leading the behaviours and seeing whether the participants picked them up and mimicked them, confederates were directed to mimic the body language of the participants.

Afterward, participants were requested to provide ratings of the 'likeability' of the confederates they spoke with.  Participants rated those that mimicked them, through body language, higher than those that didn't demonstrate any mimicking  behaviour. The bottom line?

• mimicry can serve to increase liking, empathy and rapport
• we will unconsciously mimic the behaviour of others when we want them to like us

In order to build rapport with someone faster, consider mirroring any of the following...

• Vocal volume, pace, pitch, pauses
• Verbal phrases, tenses (active versus passive), references
• Visual cues (posture, eye contact, leg crossing, gestures)

To test whether the two of you are 'in rapport'...  shift from mirroring (following the behavioural cue) to leading it.  If you find that shortly after you have demonstrated a gestural cue the other party also engages in the same behaviour, you are in rapport.  

In general, think of the 'Chameleon effect' as a component of our social interactions with others; behaviours that typically serve to heighten the pro-social behaviour of the other party.  But... bear in mind... there is a vast difference between mimicking/mirroring the behaviour of someone with the desire to connect with them and mimicking/imitating the other party to poke fun at them.  The first may serve to heighten your connection whereas the latter is sure to alienate the other party.  The intent that drives the behaviour often also drives the response.