Tip Thursday - Body Language

When looking to defuse overly emotional and confrontational situations, you can use your non-verbal communications to help subdue the other party. 

Rather than standing face to face, shift your positioning so that you stand shoulder to shoulder. 

Turning your feet away from them slightly will help you appear less intimidating and confrontational. Tilting your head will make you appear like you are listening, which will help them begin to do the same. Slowing down your vocal speed and dropping your volume will also help to de-escalate the situation. 

Managing Your Emotional Thermometer

There are times where, despite our best intentions, our emotions seem to get the better of us. We get caught up in what we are feeling, losing control over our behaviours and the conversation.  Rarely does this work out for us, the end result never being a outcome we would have developed deliberately or strategically.

Some people seem to be much more in tune with their emotions, able to control their responses almost effortlessly.  They appear cool, calm and collected in most situations, maintaining an even-keeled perspective.  Although taken at an extreme this calm demeanour may appear uncaring or distanced (think Mr. Spock here), they will typically appear far more professional and credible than someone flying off the handle at every slight.

If our desire then is to manage our emotional responses better, to heighten our professional presence, just how can we learn to control emotional responses when they are something that 'just happens'?

The first step is to create a visual representation of your emotions. Consider that your emotional responses run on a continuum of behaviour from 'everything is fine' to full out 'catastrophe'. It is often helpful to picture a thermometer beside this continuum, such that the rising temperature of the thermometer is indicative of your rising emotions.

Creating this visual helps you to establish an internal emotional gauge of your responses.  Some of my clients like to attach numbers to their thermometer while others like to use colours, with green being at the bottom of the thermometer (safe zone), rising through yellow (warning) and red at the top (danger).  Whichever you choose it is important to attach some labels that fit for you, that reflect the type of emotions you are typically experiencing at each level.

Think of different instances you have experienced; what you were feeling at the time and what behaviours you engaged in.  Put these on your Thermometer chart to help you in gauging your emotional responses quickly when in future situations. Spending the time when you are calm and controlled will help you to gain the clarity and control you need during a more emotionally laden situation.

What's the temperature of your upset?

For each of the main emotional levels you have identified on your Thermometer (whether key numbers or colours), consider what practical actions would have helped you to reduce your temperature and ultimately gain control.  Some of the following suggestions from my clients may prove helpful to you in building your strategies...

• Low.  Take some deep breaths.  Think of something positive.  Listen to calming music.  Think about what you really want/need from the interaction and listen more actively to what the other party's needs are, considering whether there is some practical middle ground.  
• Mid.  Take even slower, deeper breaths.  Think of someone you can speak to that will be 100% supportive of you. Think of positive interactions you've had with the other party in the past. Consider whether your emotional level is warranted in the given situation.  Take a mental break with music or reading.  Take a walk or engage in something physical to relieve tension.  Repeat calming phrases to yourself.
• High.  Breathe slowly and fully from the diaphragm.  Consciously tense and relax main muscle groups.  Leave the situation.  Take a walk to think things through.  Engage in exercise to relieve the tension. Get a massage. Write out pros and cons of what happened and attempt to develop a win/win outcome.

It's important to spend some time thinking about what techniques and activities work for you.  What helps you to calm down and disengage?  Looking at Youtube videos of kittens may work for others while for you it may aggravate you more.  Therefore the strategies you employ must be something that's meaningful for you.

I have a client that has a soft piece of fur they keep in their desk that they like to pet to soothe themselves (reminds them of their dog), another who likes to squeeze a stress ball and yet another who has specific music they find calming.  There is no right or wrong, just what is 'right' for you. Knowing what you need and require at each emotional level, before you are caught up in the emotion, helps you to activate that response and regain control faster.

Sometimes the mere act of just thinking about your anger and where you are on the thermometer helps you to regulate the emotional response, taking you from the unconscious and uncontrolled response to the realm of consciousness and control.

With your Emotional Thermometer in hand, try using the following steps to help you to manage your emotional responses more quickly and effectively in future altercations.

1. Assess Your Temperature. When you feel your emotional temperature rising, think about where you are on your gauge. Sometimes there is a steady rise, sometimes an immediate temperature jump.  Understanding where you are currently lets you engage in the right strategy.
2. Ask.  What led me to this state?  Is this emotional level warranted given the situation?  Is this likely to lead to my desired outcome?  Asking these questions helps you to shift from your unconscious (reactive) mind to your conscious (proactive) mind.
3. Strategies.  Use your temperature chart to determine what you need to do to lower your emotional response.  What do you need - Now - to lower your temperature, regain control, and drive the outcome you need from the exchange? 

The earlier you gauge where your emotions are at the better.  It is far better to catch your emotions before you get caught up and invested in them.  Typically hurt and anger are two emotions that we can become moralistic over, getting caught up in justifying our reactions. The stronger we build our position, the more difficult it is to diffuse.

Using your Emotional Thermometer to help you catch your emotional responses early and deal with them quickly, helping you be viewed as more professional and capable. Great leaders aren't unemotional, they simply manage their emotions rather than be managed by them.  
 

Tip Thursday - Communication

When seeking clarification of a point with someone, avoid asking them Why. Instead, ask - What made you do that?  Asking why tends to put people on the defensive, which will create a barrier to uncovering the truth. Additionally, people are less conditioned to answer 'What made you do that', which may result in a less structured and more open response.

Overcoming Communicational Roadblocks

You're in a meeting, charged with developing a solution to a very real business issue.  There are two ideas tabled and two different factions representing each idea.  The past 45 minutes have been spent with each group pushing their idea forward and no forward movement being made.

Sound familiar?

This is a common scenario we face, both within our business and personal lives, where people get so caught up in their point of view that they fail to truly listen to the views of another or to seek a common solution.  It ends up becoming a push to determine who is 'right' rather than finding the best result.  This creates conflict, can lead to resentment and hard feelings, all of which serve to create roadblocks to working effectively in future.

The best action that you can take, when you find yourself on one side of the two-sided argument is to stop, take a breath... and listen.  We get so caught up in our wants, needs, opinions that we typically stop truly listening to what the other party is actually saying.  We begin focusing on being heard and end up shutting down our hearing, let alone our bid to understand. If you are looking to reach a resolution, and not just push your agenda forward, then listening is the way out.  The following tips will help you to break through the one-sided dialogues taking place and shift back into having a conversation about the issue.

1.  Look at the other party and make eye contact.  Once we shift our focus on ourselves - our solution, our desired outcome, our needs - our eyes tend to shift also.  It is difficult to convince someone that we care about what they need and want if we are not even looking at them.  We unconsciously direct our upper torso and eyes toward what we are interested in.  Show your interest in what others have to say by angling your upper body and eyes toward them.

2.  If you feel that you are not being heard... then chances are good that you are not listening.  If you feel that the other party is not paying attention to your points, odds are that you have also shut them down and are not listening fully to what they have to say.  Opening yourself to truly listening to them will demonstrate the behaviour you want and expect from them.  Listen first.  You can't expect someone to show you the respect and courtesy you expect without also engaging in it!

3.  Take notes.  Not only does taking notes indicate to the other party that you are paying attention to what they are saying but it also helps you to stay focused.  This is helpful if you tend to have an unruly mind that wants to wander off sometimes, but it is always helpful in highlighting to the other party that you have a desire to capture their key points.

4.  Focus on what you agree on.  We get caught up in our differences.  However, only focusing on the areas of difference makes them appear far larger then they typically are.  By focusing on what areas you agree on, you build some commonality which serves to put the areas of difference into perspective.  You may find that the few things you disagree on are more easily overcome when you realize that they are not as all encompassing as once believed.

5.  Create mental pictures.  By trying to form a mental picture of what the other person is saying, you will find that you listen with more intent and focus.  This not only helps you to appear more interested and open to them, but helps you to pick up a level of detail that you might otherwise have overlooked.

6.  Listen with the intent to understand, not overcome.  You are not listening to what someone has to say only so that you can refute each point.  Listen to understand the other person's position, their unspoken concerns, and  what is truly important to them.  It is through that you will be able to find a solution to fit all needs.

I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.     Larry King