Changing Your Story - With Two Little Words

When it comes to story-telling, there is much that we can learn from children.  As adults, as soon as a story starts we are already anticipating the end.  Movies and books end.  The credits role, the final page gets turned.  As a result, we tend to think the same of the stories we tell ourselves. 

When we view our life we tend to look at it as a series of stories, each with its own ending.  Strung together those stories comprise the life we have lived and experienced.  However, in viewing our life as a series of stories, each with its own unique ending, we have formed each story as a complete entity unto itself.  We are therefore not in a position to ‘alter’ that story in any way.  The impact of this is that we then leave ourselves helpless in the face of the story.  We are powerless to strengthen the impact of a positive story or to lessen that of a negative one.

Children though offer us a unique perspective.  When telling stories they always want the story to continue.  They start off with a specific story and plot line and when that story has run its course for them, whether in two sentences or twenty, they shift gears with the magical phrase… And Then.  Those two little words allow them to string together two disparate thoughts, to switch gears and shift perspectives. 

With the use of ‘and then’ they are clearly communicating that this one thing happened… and then… this happened!  'And Then' serves to form a continuation, each story a continuation of the one before, forming a seemingly never-ending, interconnected chain.  The story didn’t end. Life didn’t end with the completion of that one story, it continues, it changes, it grows.

Imagine what the impact would be to the stories you tell yourself about you, if you began introducing ‘and then’ to the story line.  Your old negative stories would no longer define you because no longer would your story end with that moment.  Instead, you would acknowledge and own the story but follow it up with ‘and then’. 

·         And then… she decided that she deserved better and ended that relationship in search of better

·         And then… he discovered he was more talented than he had initially thought, opening up the business he had always dreamed of

·         And then… she determined to show them all just how strong a woman could be

·         And then… he put the bottle aside, stood up and stepped into the new life waiting for him

The past will always have an impact upon us.  Our experiences are there to shape us though, not define us.  They need not hold us back and prevent us from living the life we want and deserve.  

From pain can come an appreciation of joy.  From being beaten down by life can come the strength to overcome adversity.  You aren’t defined by the event, you are defined by the story you are telling.  If your past stories no longer serve you don’t allow them to continue to direct your future.  Define what’s next.

Tell your story, pause and think…  And Then?  

The Mythology of You

We live through events.
We replay those events in our minds.
We talk about our experience of those events.
We remember the events we share with others.

Sounds like a pretty clear cycle and yet, it is this cycle that leads us to create our own Mythology, to shape our personal story.  We all experience 'things' throughout our lives.  Large and small, these experiences help to shape and define us.  But... is it really the 'actual' event shaping us or our interpretation of that event?

We replay events over and over in our minds. The more important they were to us in some way, the more frequent the replaying.  Much like a favourite movie that we pull off the shelf to watch, though we've already seen it a dozen times or more.  With every replay and retelling of our stories though, we reshape the events, morphing our memories into our 'version', the one that fits best for us.  In doing so, we have created our own mythology, our own story of us.

I know that it feels 'real', that it feels as though we are merely telling it 'like it was', but if we were able to put a film-version of the events as they occurred side by side with a film version of our story of it, there would be distinct and clear differences between the reality and our reality.  This is true for everyone.  It's one of the reasons why witnesses to events are so unreliable and why multiple witnesses are often needed to gain a clear picture of what truly occurred.  The actual story needs to get pieced together.

What is important for each of us is not to try to avoid all embellishment, to strip our memories down to the bare bones of 'reality' or 'truth' but, rather, to come to understand the reshaping.  The way in which we morph our memories tells a great deal about us, our needs and what is important to us.

Understanding our mythology, and that of others, is more important than uncovering the 'truth' of the event.  It is enough that it has become our (or their) truth.  Our mythology helps to shape and define our future choices.  It's not important whether it's accurate, only that it's our story, whether we are highlighted as the victim or the hero, the antagonist or protagonist, the come-from-behind Queen, the Lover, the Leader, the Warrior or Peacemaker.  Our Mythology has served to shape the person we are and will continue to mould the person we will become.  We are now as we once imagined ourselves to be.

Don't like the ending that is likely to play out for you?  Start rewriting your story.  As the author of your Mythology, you have control over the telling of your story.  If yours isn't heading toward the ending you desire, get out your metaphorical eraser and get started on the rewrite.

Despite our shared conception that we are rational actors making intelligent decisions based on an accurate view of the world and ourselves, precisely the opposite is true.       Seth Godin

Speaking Tips of the Pros

You have all likely heard the statistic that more people fear standing up and delivering a speech than they fear dying.  Jerry Seinfeld said it best when he said..

“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

Puts it into a different visual context doesn't it?  We know that, because most people fear public speaking, that those who are capable of doing so are viewed as possessing many more positive leadership traits than simply the ability to speak.  They will be viewed as more confident, likable, attractive, decisive and so on, simply because they spoke credibly.

For the lay-person then, the implication is that any time spent becoming a better and more effective public speaker (and note that any time you are speaking out loud, to an audience of one or more, you are technically speaking in public!) will help you position yourself more positively with that audience. It will always prove to be time well-invested.

To help you improve I have gathered for you some of the best tips to consider when preparing.  These aren't the technical aspects of delivering a solid speech, but some of the impactful, but often overlooked, elements for you to consider that I use with my clients.  The Pros know and do these.

Tell Stories.  We've loved 'em since we were kids!  Stories keep us engaged, make us wonder what's going to happen next and are memorable.  You could tell your audience what you want them to know OR... you could tell them a story that delivers the message for you.  Which would you rather listen to?

Don't Speak to Impress.  Novices often try to sound smarter, confident, professional...  by trying to impress their audience.  Note though, that this is all about you.  It is all about how good you are, how much you know, how important you are.  Audiences don't care about you (yet!), they care about themselves.  Make your speech all about them, show interest in and respect for your audience, and they will listen to what you have to say.

Prepare... and Prepare Some More.  Yes, you must know your content.  BUT....  don't memorize it!  Too scripted a speech will feel soulless to your listeners.  Know your content well enough to be able to let go of it, and just talk to your audience instead of at them.  Doing this will build you instant credibility.

Make Eye Contact.  I know that many books on delivering speeches tell you that you can look at people's foreheads, or above their heads, and they won't know.  People know.  You must connect with your audience and your eyes are a primary tool to help you make that connection.  Don't try to fool 'em...  they are smart and know the difference!  Even short eye contact, acknowledging their presence in the room, is a personal enough connection for them to feel more positively disposed to you.  Avoid their eyes at your own peril.

Focus More on How than What.  Inexperienced speakers put all of the time and effort into creating the content of their speech, the 'what' they are going to say.  However, they miss then focusing on 'how' they are going to deliver it.  The 'how' of the message provides all of the secondary cues to your audience, the cues that tell them how they should feel about what you're telling them.  This is the emotional component of your message.  You may have the right content, but if 'how' you deliver it looks and sounds like you're bored or scared, it will negatively impact the strength of the content received.  When practicing your delivery, tape yourself to hear and see your 'how'...  is it saying what you need it to say?

If it's Important, it's Worth Saying Twice.  This point speaks to the value of repetition.  Don't count on your audience hearing everything that you say the first time.  If you have one key take-away message for your audience, make sure that you have said it more than once in your speech.  Repetition is memorable. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't tell his audience once that He Had a Dream...  he repeated it over and over until it became his audience's dream as well.

The Rule of Three's.  Taking the concept of repetition a little further is the rule of threes.  Our brains work in interesting ways and one of the tricks to helping our brains remember informational content better is to cluster it in groups of three.  Have three main points, use three examples of a point, repeat a key message three times.  Breaking your information down into three distinct clusters of information helps to ensure that it gets remembered.  ("Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness", "Blood, Sweat and Tears", "Friends, Romans, Countrymen", "Stop, Look, Listen"... 3 Wise Men, 3 Stooges, 3 Musketeers, 3 Bears... get the point?)

Feel First, then Think.   Get your audience to feel you and your message first, then you have them listening.  To do this you want to hijack their Amygdalas. What?  The Amygdala is the emotional power center of the brain.  It governs the fight or flight response, and it's responsible for the release of chemicals that put us into a heightened state of arousal and it triggers our emotions.  For your speech, you want to ensure that you turn 'on' the Amygdalas of your audience, so that they feel and react to the content of your message.  You therefore want to ensure that you connect with your audience before you say anything of substance.  Get them feeling, and you've got them listening.