How to Create Instant Rapport

For most of us, making connections with others is never easy.  They take time, which is definitely in

short supply during events such as networking gatherings.  As a result, we leave the evening with a few business cards clutched in our hand but little real feeling that we made any kind of lasting impression, let alone a real connection.

However, there are many times and circumstances over our careers where the need to form connections quickly would serve us.  We are far more likely to get hired in interviews if we are able to establish rapport, more likely to make the sale, more likely to get the big assignment or promotion. What we lack is the time we usually spend in creating shared experiences with others to establish that connection.  That`s where strengthening our ability to establish Rapport, to create a sense of familiarity where none previously existed, would serve us. 

There is interesting research out there that shows quite clearly exactly what we need to do to form instant rapport with someone. I feel it necessary to share with you first though that this is going to fly in the face of everything you have been told in the past.  You know, the advice of what topics to steer clear of (like politics and religion), to only say positive things, to keep things light and upbeat. As it turns out, talking with people about these `safe` topics may help you form connections, but nothing as quick or as strong as...

Gossip.  

Yep, the number one most effective way to form instant rapport with someone is to say something negative about someone else. Gossip that drives a revelation of a shared negative attitude will typically result in a strong emotional bond. What`s interesting is the `why` behind its effectiveness.

Gossip is usually around someone who is a perceived threat in some way, however large or small. This has been going on since caveman days where all perceived threats were taken seriously. It was a life and death issue back then. As a result, sharing information about those potential threats was a critical safety need for us and our tribe. Our brains are still hardwired to serve and protect us and therefore we respond to shared information and gossip about potential threats.

When first meeting someone we are obviously not privy to information about their personal internal competition but the gossip we share need not be about someone we know personally. It could be about a public or political figure. Since we don`t know them well we speak instead about specific traits they exhibit, policies, actions they have taken, behaviour they have engaged in. 

The common advice given is to find shared experiences to explore with the other party. Perhaps reference pictures or books they have in their office. However, the positive experiences are those that are typically readily shared. They have spoken to many about them and, as a result, connections don`t hold firm. 

People don`t tend to put their negative beliefs on display. Therefore, when we discover something the other party doesn`t like about someone else, it`s a real discovery. This is not something they share openly or with as many people which means you`ve instantly become part of a much smaller and more exclusive group of people. 

We all have a strong tendency to seek out information that confirms what we already believe to be true, rejecting information that is in conflict with it. If you tell people that what they know to be right is indeed right, they will feel more connected to you.

Although constantly gossiping about others is not a good long term success strategy, know that a few well placed negative comments early on in a conversation may go a long way to establishing a connection and providing an opening to continue the conversation. And really, all we`re typically looking for is the time needed for us to really share who we are and what we`re all about.

As it turns out, contrary to the belief that we should steer clear of discussing politics in any first meetings, it may have just held the secret to creating instant rapport with our audience. After all, who doesn`t have a negative comment or two they could share about politicians these days?

Tip Thursday - Networking

Often, at networking events, people become uncomfortable in knowing how to end one conversation so that they can move into meeting other connections. Consider starting a conversation with an artificial time constraint.

"I need to catch Fred before he leaves, but we haven't had an opportunity to meet yet..." or perhaps...
"I'm on my way out but before I left I wanted to ask you..."

Both options start the conversation in such a way as to imply you have limited time, providing you with a built-in reason to have to cut the conversation short. You have an established 'out'. Smooth, easy, comfortable and natural. Give it a try at your next networking event.

How to Be More Likable

Whether others like you are not is often a strong influence in their decision to buy from you, to promote you, to date you, to believe you, to recommend you, or to want to hang out with you. Therefore, when viewed from a career perspective, getting others to like you can definitely be advantageous to your career and potential advancement.

By nature we humans are social creatures.  We are hard wired to seek others out.  Partly this is due to our reptilian brain which is largely focused on our survival.  In early days, our survival was highly dependent upon being part of a group. There were far too many threats and challenges to our survival to ever make it on our own.  Therefore, it was necessary to be liked by others and fit in.

Just because we're hardwired to want to seek others out though, doesn't mean we are naturally good at it!  Making friends and connecting with others is not as easy as it seems, especially for those with a more naturally introverted nature.  If we add technology into the mix with find that more people are reporting feeling disconnected from others than ever before.

Given that we may have limited opportunities to form those connections with others, it is to our benefit to ensure that we are doing all that we can to increase our friendship success rate  Below I offer you some quick Body Language tips to help you appear more likable.  These nonverbal cues are friendship signals that will help you lay a positive framework for your budding friendships.

When it comes to your friendship signals, the following are the Top Three cues that serve to make you appear more likable to others. If you are looking for a place to start, these three are your big hitters.

1. Eyebrow Flash.  This one always takes people by surprise, primarily because it is an unconscious gesture that few people realize they make, or even consciously see in others.  The eyebrow flash is a quick (1/6th of a second) up and down movement of the eyebrows, which is our primary friend signal. This cue announces to others that we are not a threat.  Our brains will automatically look for this signal when first meeting someone.  
2. Head Tilt.  Tilting the head to side is viewed as a non-threatening gesture since it exposes your carotid arteries to the other person. It demonstrates that you are listening to them. If you also tilt your head slightly in the direction of the other person you are likely to be viewed as being friendly and honest.  Note however, that tilting the head to the side helps you be seen as more likable but not dominant.  Therefore, using it during greetings and first meetings may be appropriate, but when giving presentations it does not.
3. Real Smile.  Smiling is a universal gesture and therefore is a powerful tool in our toolkit.  It is a powerful friend signal that helps others see us as more engaging, attractive and likable.  The act of smiling itself can put us and others in a better mood and can be contagious, making others want to reciprocate with a smile.  A note on this too though... fake smiles are typically readily detected by others so try to smile from the heart.  Generally, if you smile with the intent of putting others at ease it will help your smile to be more natural and genuine.

Although the above three tips are the top three friendship signals, there are a number of other cues that also help to communicate to others your interest and engagement. You can up your likability by also using any of the following...

• Eye contact.  This cue works in tandem with the other friend signals.  When first meeting someone hold eye contact for one full second, ending the gaze with a smile.  Don't hold the first gaze for longer, lest it come across as aggressive and intimidating.  Future gazes can be longer, signifying many other things, but your first gaze is there to signal your interest in exploring something 'more'.
• Touch.  This can be a strong friendship signal but it is one where you also need to exercise caution, particularly in a work setting.  Studies have shown that even a fleeting touch can have a significant influence on friendships.  Here we are referring to a light and brief touch on the forearm during a brief social encounter.  
• Inward lean.  People tend to lean their upper body slight toward people that they like and away from those they don't.  Therefore leaning your upper body slightly toward your audience will unconsciously communicate to them that you like them. Given that we tend to like those that like us, this can work in your favor.
• Head nodding.  We will often nod our head when someone says something we agree with, or when we are looking to be supportive of them. Therefore, a couple of brief nods of the head when first meeting someone will indicate your approval of them and of your interest in what they are saying, both of which make you more likable in turn.

Connecting with others may not be a skill that comes naturally or readily to us, but it is a skill that we can become better at with a little practice.  Take one or two of the behaviours above and try them on for size, playing with them a little at your next networking event and see what the impact is.  As they become more comfortable for you, add in another until you have more friends than you can handle!


 

Tip Thursday - Confidence

This is a very short but very powerful tip.  If you want to appear confident during networking situations... stand in the center of the room. Confident people have a greater tendency to stand in the center of the 'action', whereas those with less confidence will stick to the outlying areas. Therefore, simply standing in the center will have others believing you to be confident - even when you're not feeling it!

Making Friends to Build your Network

If I asked you what the ultimate goal of Networking is, what would you say?

The most common response I get is that Networking is all about making contacts. However, this quickly becomes a far too narrow expectation.  Consider what your ultimate hope and expectation is of those connections. Are you looking for those connections to offer you their knowledge and expertise?  Are you looking for them to 'buy' your products or services?  Are you looking for them to refer you to their contacts and connections?  If your answer is yes, then you must consider the need to make them more than merely a 'contact', they need to become a 'friend'.

Certainly they don't need to become your best friend or godparent to your children, but they do need to become someone with more of a connection to you than just a card in their pocket.  Building an effective network is about more than extending your business card collection, it is about establishing a network of individuals that have a solid base and connection to you.  The true magic is that you can build these connections through your networking events, you just have to understand what you are looking to build, and how to do it.

Business card collectors have a tendency to attend different networking events constantly, parachuting in, working the crowd and then heading on to the next event.  They rarely or infrequently attend the same event twice.  Certainly, attending different events in the beginning is a smart way to identify which are the 'right' events for you. Whether looking to identify potential customers or to extend your network of contacts in your specific field, you need to find out which events they typically go to.  This might take a little trial and error to start but, once you've found the right events for you and your needs, you keep going.

According to Jack Schafer, in his book The Like Switch, there is a very definitive Friendship Formula, one which the FBI perfected as a means of recruiting spies.  Yes, cool foundation, but the point is that it will work for your purposes also.  There are four basic building blocks to the formula:

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

Proximity - is the distance between you and the other party, your exposure to them over time.  This means that there is a strong benefit to being seen at a specific networking event consistently each month.  Sharing the same physical space with someone else makes you more attractive to them, establishing a connection based on commonality.

Frequency - is the number of contacts you have with someone over time.  Popping into a networking event, never to show again, is all about you.  Attending the same event consistently establishes a commitment to forming 'real' connections that will resonate with those looking to do the same. Simply 'seeing' you at the event each month breeds familiarity and helps to establish trust, even if they haven't had the opportunity to speak with you yet.

Duration - is the length of time spent with someone over time.  We typically spend more time with people we like and engaged in activities we enjoy.  Therefore, the more time that someone spends with you, the greater the bond that is established. This is not just measured by the minutes you are in direct conversation.  Shared experiences count. Therefore, simply seeing your face a number of times over the course of an evening registers as a 'period' of time you have invested similarly and helps to build that sense of familiarity.

Intensity - refers to how strongly you are able to satisfy another person's needs (psychological or physical) through your verbal or nonverbal behaviours.  Those who attend a networking event solely to pass out their cards are not focused on meeting the needs of others, they are focused on having their needs met.  Although offering your services to help alleviate someone else's pain point is a desirable way to satisfy someone's needs, recognise that you typically should look to build to this by subtly satisfying other needs first, in smaller less direct ways.  Providing them with an introduction to someone else that could be of service to them, or that may prove to be a valuable connection for them is one such way.  However, simply smiling across the room at someone who looks disconnected or uncomfortable can work to establish a sense of connection and gratitude that begins the formation of a relationship even before being introduced. By satisfying non-work related needs first you help to create the belief that you are more likely to satisfy their work needs too.

Strong networks are not determined by the number of contacts you have, but by the quality of the relationship.  Learning to 'make new friends' may prove to be one of the best lessons we can bring forward from the playgrounds of our childhood to help us be successful in our business careers.  As with all things though, there is a science to it that can help those of us that are a little less naturally extroverted to create the business relationships that will serve us in building our businesses and careers.



For those that would like to delve a little deeper into how the FBI has used this formula to build their network of spies, I offer the link to the book below.  Quite honestly, it is a fascinating read on its own as the author offers up examples of how they used the various steps and principles.  However, on a lesser scale, it also has strong business applications for you.

Tip Thursday - Networking

Cultivate your Curiosity! People often avoid attending networking events because they don't know what to talk about or are concerned no one will want to speak with them.  Cultivate a curiosity about those around you - who they are, what they do, what their biggest challenges have been. Focusing on yourself will only serve to heighten your discomfort, while focusing on others will help you to alleviate theirs. Getting others to tell their story, rather than using the event as a platform to tell yours, will have you connecting faster with others. The added benefit, of course, is that the more interested you are in them, the more interesting they will find you!

Tip Thursday - Networking

As much as we know that it is helpful to our career to build and extend our network of contacts, few of us are comfortable in initiating small talk with others. Introverts and shy people take note... use 'Hooks' to drive other people to you.  We are all quite curious by nature. Use people's curiosity to make them want to approach and initiate conversation with you. Curiosity Hooks are visual items that intrigue people and get them asking questions, making them want to approach you for answers.These could be a unique piece of jewelry, a special tie or shirt, a button with a saying, a hat... something visual that draws people's attention and gets them asking 'why'.  If your personal challenge is in approaching others at networking situations, then using a curiosity hook may work for you.  Just stand there and let 'em come to you!

Tip Thursday - Networking Niceties

A small but very important tip for all of you net-workers out there... Put your name tag on your right hand lapel.  Never the left.  Our eyes start out looking at the other person's extended hand (to make sure we don't miss it while trying to shake hands) and follows the extended arm until meeting the other person's eyes.  If the name tag is on the left then you are looking them in the eyes, having missed seeing their name.  If it's on the right then they see your name while also having you introduce yourself.  This helps them to actually hear your name, making them feel more comfortable and connected - what it's all about in net-working.

Networking No-No's

We've all been there.  We attend a networking event in the hopes of making a positive connection with others but wind up meeting people  we find it hard to like much less feel any connection to. Although networking is a useful tool if we are looking to grow our business, our skill base or our contact list, it can end up feeling like an endless parade of posers. Before we get too caught up into the cycle of blaming others for their lack of engagement, we should spend time exploring our networking habits and ensure that we are not a source of some of the issues we are experiencing!

The following are the top list of Networking No-No's... those behaviours to avoid if you want to be successful in making useful and positive connections.

Focusing only on what you want and need from an exchange.  It is great to enter into networking situations with a specific goal or need, some skill or service that you need to access, but if you're only focused on yourself and not on what you have to give you will turn people off and have them turning away.  Focusing only on your needs will not make you a positive connection for others, despite how important the contact may be for you.  Always be clear about finding ways to make yourself valuable to others.  Focusing on giving before getting will serve to establish you as someone worth keeping in their contact list, not deleting.

Being a Know-It-All.  People can sometimes go over-board trying to appear 'useful' to others by highlighting knowledge they seemingly have about 'everything'.  Using big words to sound impressive and intelligent, attempting to appear to be an expert at everything, simply to bump up your perceived profile, will turn more potential contacts off than on.  Be clear about what areas your expertise truly lie in and highlight those, allowing your connections to shine in others.  Using your familiarity with their field to boost their profile, rather than yours, will make them far more favourably disposed to you, and increases the likelihood of their reciprocating, supporting you in turn.

Pre-setting your station to... The 'You' Tube.  If your conversation is skewed to your talking about You - continuously - then you will not only leave your audience turned off but looking for a way to turn you off as well!  We all get that you have done interesting things in your life but you need to balance your sharing with some seeking behaviours.  Ask others about their experiences, their lives, their businesses, their skills.  Showing interest in others will make you appear more interesting.  Connecting with others involves an exchange, hard to do if you are the only one talking.

Looking for the 'next' connection.  When you are speaking with someone you need to be looking at them, not over their shoulder scouting out the 'next' person you want to nab and pass your card to.  The art of networking is based in the formation of connections.  To do that you need to be present to the moment and paying attention to the person in front of you.  If you are more focused on the 'next' person to meet, than in truly meeting and connecting with the person you are conversing with, you might want to consider staying home... it will net you the same results.

Playing the one-up game.  Don't get caught up in listening to someone's story with the intent to top it with one of your own.  This is not an open exchange but rather a subtle competition designed to highlight who is 'best'.  This says more about your insecurity than about your content and will do more to decrease your perceived value than increase it.  I know that people get caught up in one-upsmanship games in an attempt to make themselves appear better, smarter, or more valuable than others but it leaves a bad taste in others' mouths.  If you have to make yourself look good by making someone else look bad you will find yourself on the losing end.

Networking events can be a tremendous resource for your growing business and career, if used correctly.  Avoiding these 5 Networking No-No's will help you to be more successful in getting the return you need from your networking efforts.

The Net Result of Networking

It's hard not to attend any kind of business conference or function without a speaker or break out session
talking about networking. They may talk about the power of the smile and the handshake, the need to have your cards printed and ready to hand out, they want you to prepare your 'blurb' or 'elevator pitch' so that you can concisely say who you are, what you do... and then move on, do it again. At many networking events I have attended it has seemed that more and more people were there simply to pass out their cards, rather than truly connecting. And... if your goal when you head out is to get your card into as many hands as you can by the end of the evening, then I suppose they are doing a good job.

What many networking gurus don't tell you, and what all too many people don't consider when networking, is that we all leave behind something (other than our card) in every interaction we engage in. This is the advantage of going to 'live' events, of getting a bigger message out about who we are than our website or card can convey, because our prospective audience gets to experience... 'us'. Every interaction with someone is a moment in which we are creating an impression of who we are, what we stand for, what we believe in, what we are committed to, what we would be like to work with... and more. These are the elements that truly go into defining our Brand Experience. What can people come to expect of and from us.

Over the course of an evening networking, you may not remember everything someone shared with you that night, but you will recall how they made you feel and think about them. If that memory is positive, you hang onto the card. If not, then the card is filed in the waste basket to the side of your desk. Add the following suggestions to your networking repertoire to keep your card from being relegated to the trash, ensuring that you become a card worth holding on to.

• Shift your mindset.  Everyone in that room thinks that 'it' is about them.  They are focused on getting their card out, getting a connection that will help them in business.  Instead, shift your mindset so that you too are thinking it's about them.  When you are meeting someone new ask about what they do.  Show interest - don't just look like you're waiting your turn to talk!  Pay attention.  The more you genuinely care about what they do the more they will come to care about you.  Additionally, the more you know about the business they are in, the better you will come to understand how you might serve them in future.
• Quality over Quantity.  The success of your evening should not be measured by the size of the stack of cards you collected but by the quality of the connection.  Flip through those cards.  If you cannot speak to each, clearly articulating what they do, what their services are and offering some ideas on how you thought you might help them... you weren't asking, you weren't listening and you weren't following the first point!
• Focus on Service.  Your focus when meeting others should be on: how can you serve them. Think beyond your business.  Maybe it's a book recommendation, or a referral you can give them, or a connection you can make for them.  Networking is not the same as selling.  Form the connections now that might lead to a future opportunity.  Bear in mind, it may not be with them but with someone they refer to you.  First you need to be someone they would be happy to send someone they know and care about to.  

In every interaction we leave something of ourselves behind - ensure that you leave behind the kind of impression that invites others to want to connect with you again.  That's the true net benefit of networking.

Influence Technique - the Benjamin Franklin Effect

Benjamin Franklin is known for many things..

• Printer (built numerous printing businesses and was even responsible for printing all paper money for Pennsylvania & Delaware)
• Newspaper Owner
• Inventor (invented first original American musical instrument - the glass harmonica (Armonica), which even Bach & Beethoven wrote music for)
• Musician (played violin, harp, guitar &, of course, the Armonica)
• Inventor (Franklin stove, bifocal glasses, Lightening rod, Rocking chair, Odometer...)
• Politician (one of the famous signatures on the Declaration of Independence)
• Educator (formed an Academy for higher learning which, in 1791, was officially renamed... The University of Pennsylvania)
• Developer (established the first circulation library for the colonies, first volunteer fire company, first insurance company, first  hospital...)

Truly a gifted and insightful man, despite having been born the son of a soap and candlestick maker, with little or no education.  Like many with drive and intelligence, he did not allow his lowly station to preclude him from learning all he could.  He was passionate about self-improvement and went out of his way to network with anyone that had something he could learn.  As a result, he became very adroit at human relations, at influencing and persuading others.

Perhaps one of the best-known persuasive techniques employed by Franklin, which is now credited to him and known as the Franklin Effect, plays against our intuitive belief that we do nice things for those we like and do not go out of our way to do anything nice for those we dislike.  

What Franklin's study of human nature determined though is that our brain cannot uphold contradictory information.  If we believe that we would only do nice things for those we like, then the logical implication is that if we do nice things for people...  we must like them!

In his biography Franklin described a particular situation and gentleman that was not a fan of his.  In fact, this particular gentleman delivered a long speech to the legislature denigrating Franklin, in an effort to prevent his reelection into his role as Clerk of the General Assembly.  Although Franklin won the role, he recognised that this colleague could gain more influence in the legislature that may impact Franklin's future opportunities.  Franklin therefore realized he would need to turn this individual into a fan.  

When faced with a similar dilemma, most of us would follow the more common route of going out of our way to say and do 'nice' things for and about the other party.  However, Franklin was not willing to be seen as servile in any way, nor did he want his influence attempts to be obvious.  Instead, he employed a much more subtle technique.

Franklin was well known as an avid book collector, reader and library founder, all of which gave him a reputation as a man of exemplary tastes.  His adversary also happened to have a private collection of books.  Franklin therefore sent him a letter asking if he could borrow a particular book from his private library.  This book though, was very rare and difficult to come by.  The rival, flattered by Franklin's request, sent the book right away. Franklin read it and sent it back a week later, accompanied by a simple thank you.  That's it!

The next time that the legislature met though, Franklin was approached by his adversary who engaged him in conversation for the first time.  In Franklin's own words he explained that this gentleman  "ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death." 

Most of us, in trying to build a bridge between ourselves and someone we dislike, would think that the easiest way to do so would be to do a favor for them, to do something nice.  Not so.  They may feel the necessity to reciprocate in kind, but then they are merely paying off a debt.  To shift their thinking about you permanently, you need a different approach.  Instead of doing them a favour, you need to get them to do one for you.  In so doing, their brains begin to modify their beliefs about you.  

We believe that we would only do a favour for someone we like.  Therefore, if we have done a favour for someone... then we must like them.  We can't hold inconsistencies to be true in our brains, therefore our brains sort them to make sense of them.  Getting someone to do you a favour will go a lot further to making them feel more positively disposed toward you than your doing them a favour ever will.  

So... stop spending all of your time doing for others...  get them doing for you!  You'll seem a lot nicer for it!

Oh... and... could I ask you to do me a favour?

Turning Small Talk into a Conversation

Let's face it, few of us can truly say that we enjoy making small talk. It may be a necessary part of the meet-and-greet process, but most of us are simply biding our time until we can get to the 'real' content, the business dialogue. However, much of the success of that business dialogue rests with how well you manage to connect with the other party...while making small talk!

 

Although there are a number of tips and techniques to help make those magical first moments work for you, one overlooked element revolves around the small talk itself. Most people make the mistake of allowing the conversation to remain light and superficial... how was the drive, how is the weather, how are you feeling... You get it! However, you both want and need to have the opportunity to show interest in the other party as a person, to get to know more about them and what matters to them. In order to do this you must shift the small talk from a dialogue like any other they have had when first meeting someone, to a conversation more reminiscent of one they would have with a friend. This then, in turn, leads their brain to believe that you too much be a friend. And...don't we all prefer working with people we like?

 

To get this edge, employ a technique that I refer to as 'clicking'. When reading articles on the Internet, we have the ability to 'click' on different words embedded within the content of the article that allow us to go deeper into that subject. In doing so, we gain deeper and richer information about that word or concept.

 

Consider doing the same while in conversation with someone. When listening to them, mentally 'click' on a word or phrase they used and formulate a follow-up question around it. Asking these questions provides you with a number of benefits...

• It allows you to go a level below the original superficial statement.
• The other party now has to begin thinking, which means they have now become engaged in the process of speaking with you. It forces them to become present to the conversation.
• You demonstrate to them that you were listening to what they had to say. This shows respect.
• By 'clicking' on a comment of theirs you are showing your interest in their thoughts and what they have to say. Showing interest in them makes you appear more interesting in turn.
• When you shift to the 'business' portion of your conversation you will already be conversing at a deeper level, and will be more likely to experience a greater degree of openness and rapport in that dialogue immediately.

Give it a try.  You may find that 'clicking' on an element of their content allows you both to 'click' more fully.