Managing Your Emotional Thermometer

There are times where, despite our best intentions, our emotions seem to get the better of us. We get caught up in what we are feeling, losing control over our behaviours and the conversation.  Rarely does this work out for us, the end result never being a outcome we would have developed deliberately or strategically.

Some people seem to be much more in tune with their emotions, able to control their responses almost effortlessly.  They appear cool, calm and collected in most situations, maintaining an even-keeled perspective.  Although taken at an extreme this calm demeanour may appear uncaring or distanced (think Mr. Spock here), they will typically appear far more professional and credible than someone flying off the handle at every slight.

If our desire then is to manage our emotional responses better, to heighten our professional presence, just how can we learn to control emotional responses when they are something that 'just happens'?

The first step is to create a visual representation of your emotions. Consider that your emotional responses run on a continuum of behaviour from 'everything is fine' to full out 'catastrophe'. It is often helpful to picture a thermometer beside this continuum, such that the rising temperature of the thermometer is indicative of your rising emotions.

Creating this visual helps you to establish an internal emotional gauge of your responses.  Some of my clients like to attach numbers to their thermometer while others like to use colours, with green being at the bottom of the thermometer (safe zone), rising through yellow (warning) and red at the top (danger).  Whichever you choose it is important to attach some labels that fit for you, that reflect the type of emotions you are typically experiencing at each level.

Think of different instances you have experienced; what you were feeling at the time and what behaviours you engaged in.  Put these on your Thermometer chart to help you in gauging your emotional responses quickly when in future situations. Spending the time when you are calm and controlled will help you to gain the clarity and control you need during a more emotionally laden situation.

What's the temperature of your upset?

For each of the main emotional levels you have identified on your Thermometer (whether key numbers or colours), consider what practical actions would have helped you to reduce your temperature and ultimately gain control.  Some of the following suggestions from my clients may prove helpful to you in building your strategies...

• Low.  Take some deep breaths.  Think of something positive.  Listen to calming music.  Think about what you really want/need from the interaction and listen more actively to what the other party's needs are, considering whether there is some practical middle ground.  
• Mid.  Take even slower, deeper breaths.  Think of someone you can speak to that will be 100% supportive of you. Think of positive interactions you've had with the other party in the past. Consider whether your emotional level is warranted in the given situation.  Take a mental break with music or reading.  Take a walk or engage in something physical to relieve tension.  Repeat calming phrases to yourself.
• High.  Breathe slowly and fully from the diaphragm.  Consciously tense and relax main muscle groups.  Leave the situation.  Take a walk to think things through.  Engage in exercise to relieve the tension. Get a massage. Write out pros and cons of what happened and attempt to develop a win/win outcome.

It's important to spend some time thinking about what techniques and activities work for you.  What helps you to calm down and disengage?  Looking at Youtube videos of kittens may work for others while for you it may aggravate you more.  Therefore the strategies you employ must be something that's meaningful for you.

I have a client that has a soft piece of fur they keep in their desk that they like to pet to soothe themselves (reminds them of their dog), another who likes to squeeze a stress ball and yet another who has specific music they find calming.  There is no right or wrong, just what is 'right' for you. Knowing what you need and require at each emotional level, before you are caught up in the emotion, helps you to activate that response and regain control faster.

Sometimes the mere act of just thinking about your anger and where you are on the thermometer helps you to regulate the emotional response, taking you from the unconscious and uncontrolled response to the realm of consciousness and control.

With your Emotional Thermometer in hand, try using the following steps to help you to manage your emotional responses more quickly and effectively in future altercations.

1. Assess Your Temperature. When you feel your emotional temperature rising, think about where you are on your gauge. Sometimes there is a steady rise, sometimes an immediate temperature jump.  Understanding where you are currently lets you engage in the right strategy.
2. Ask.  What led me to this state?  Is this emotional level warranted given the situation?  Is this likely to lead to my desired outcome?  Asking these questions helps you to shift from your unconscious (reactive) mind to your conscious (proactive) mind.
3. Strategies.  Use your temperature chart to determine what you need to do to lower your emotional response.  What do you need - Now - to lower your temperature, regain control, and drive the outcome you need from the exchange? 

The earlier you gauge where your emotions are at the better.  It is far better to catch your emotions before you get caught up and invested in them.  Typically hurt and anger are two emotions that we can become moralistic over, getting caught up in justifying our reactions. The stronger we build our position, the more difficult it is to diffuse.

Using your Emotional Thermometer to help you catch your emotional responses early and deal with them quickly, helping you be viewed as more professional and capable. Great leaders aren't unemotional, they simply manage their emotions rather than be managed by them.  
 

Managing our Emotions and Driving Performance

We all have our off days.  Those days where we seem to lack the interest, energy or motivation to get out there and make things happen.  If our off days are significantly outnumbered by the days that we feel 'on', we likely don't worry about them too much.  However, when our 'off' days seem to be gaining a foothold or seriously begin to outnumber the good days, we may find ourselves becoming concerned over the potential impact of these days on our short and long term success.

We know that we perform better when we are in a positive frame of mind. It's a simple equation: when we feel good we are more likely to engage in good work.  When we feel bad though, our work suffers.  Unfortunately, many of us don't know why we feel bad, why we feel angry, sad, anxious, or nervous and, even if we do, we believe ourselves to be at the mercy of the emotion.  We don't control our emotional responses.  Or do we?

There is an emerging new field of study - Emotional Body Language - that is investigating this more fully, but know that it is based on studies that have been taking place over the past 20 years highlighting the interrelationship between our emotional and physical states.  In fact, Amy Cuddy's top TED talk of 2012, Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are, is a prime example of the work done in this field.  In her study Cuddy focused on the impact of Power poses on participant's physiology.

We know that our emotions drive our body language.  When we are sad it shows in our facial expressions and the way that we move and carry our body.  When we are angry that translates out into different expressions, gestures and movements.  So too when we are happy, disgusted, surprised or fearful.

What is important about the work of Cuddy and her team, and so many other studies, is that the reverse of this is also true.  You can consciously create an emotional response by engaging in certain body movements and postures.  You want to feel more confident and powerful?  Adopt stronger more powerful body language.  You want to feel happier?  Adopt the body language of happiness.

"We don't laugh because we're happy, we're happy because we laugh"  William James

Our body language drives certain autonomic and hormonal responses within our bodies which, in turn, drive the corresponding emotional reaction.  You want to feel more confident?  Stand, sit and move with confidence. The feeling will follow.  This is referred to as Self Generating Emotion.  You create the emotion you want to experience.

Certainly this is something that requires a little more than simply 'telling' yourself to be happy.  You must first understand what your body typically does when it's happy.  How do you carry yourself when you are happy?  How do you move?  How do you gesture?  What facial expressions do you engage in?  The better you understand this, the better able you are to replicate it.  The better you are at doing so, the clearer the message you send to the brain, which reads the happiness signals you are sending and creates the Autonomic and Hormonal responses that support the state you are creating. You now feel happy.

As with all things worthwhile to perfect, this takes some preparation and practice.  Two important steps in this process.

1. Build Awareness.  You need to develop your conscious awareness of what your body does when angry, when confident, when happy.  Whatever emotion you are looking to replicate.  The easiest way is to 'dissect' your body language when you find yourself in a situation when you are experiencing the desired emotion. When you are in a situation in which you feel happy, consider how you are gesturing, how you are walking, how you are moving.  What is the position of your shoulders?  What is your facial expression?  The more detailed you can be the better and clearer the message you will send to your brain when you want to replicate this emotion.
2. Practice.  Try adopting the behaviours and body language of Happiness (or any emotion of your choosing) when you are not feeling particularly happy.  Walk around the room in the same way you do when happy.  Replicate all of the behaviours you identified in the first step.  Try this for two minutes and then assess how you are 'feeling'.  If you've done a good job in the first step then you will be feeling and experiencing more of the desired emotion. The good news is that once you are 'feeling it', your brain will assume control of your body language, making it fit the new emotion.  You no longer need to manage it consciously.  If, after a couple of minutes, you are not experiencing any emotional shift then go back to Step 1 and assess and dissect your movements again, adding more details.  If you can arrange for video to review even better.

The positive message for each of us is that we are not at the mercy of emotions.  When we are experiencing an emotion that isn't serving us (perhaps nervousness or anxiety) we have it within us to change that emotional state to one that does (confidence).  A little upfront homework can pay off huge dividends for us by helping keep us in the emotional mindsets that assure us productivity and peak performance.  Definitely a recipe for success!

When our Emotions Hijack our Brain

We've all had times when our emotions got the best of us and we have all likely experienced times when, upon reflection, our emotional response was out of proportion to the situation. In most cases, when our emotions, rather than logic, seem to rule our reactions we have likely been Emotionally Hijacked.

In his definitive book on Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman coined the term Amygdala Hijack to describe this phenomenon, while others refer to it as Limbic Hijacking (both amygdala and limbic referring to the parts of the brain that are triggered), or Emotional Hijacking.  Regardless of the term you prefer the result is the same, each describing when an immediate, overwhelming emotional response was triggered by an event, a response that is bigger than warranted by the immediate situation.

A Limbic Hijacking is characterized by 3 key components:

1. It is a very sudden onset of a
2. Strong emotional reaction that's
3. Regretted later

According to Goleman, our brain hasn't had a hardware update in about 100,000 years, making its wiring significantly out of date.  As a result we often respond to fight/flight/freeze situations in an unintentional way.  Our ancient wiring creates responses that may have served us when our personal safety was a minute-by-minute concern but that no longer are applicable to our modern day living.

Our emotional responses can take over the rest of our brain in a millisecond if we feel threatened. This Limbic Hijacking was designed to dominate our brains, to react immediately and purely on instinct. When faced with a very real threat to our survival, we need to respond upon instinct, rather than requiring conscious analysis and thought, if we are to outlive the threat.  

When our amygdala is highly stimulated, it uses more blood and oxygen than usual, leaving less for the neocortex (our logic centre).  This makes reasoning, problem solving and impulse control more difficult.  Not an issue when facing a predator, but it may certainly work against us in the work environment where our threats are less about our actual survival and likely require more thought and reasoning to circumvent.  

In order to regain our intellectual control we must first recognise that the hijacking has taken place.  It is an instantaneous reaction that we will want to catch as quickly as possible.  Rather than responding from this heightened emotional state we want to buy ourselves some time.  Take a sip of water or coffee, adjust our glasses, take a bathroom break or ask for time to process before responding and then breathe.  We need more oxygen to feed to our neocortex, to help stimulate our rational brain to begin taking some action.  

• Question what you are feeling, labelling the emotion.  Studies have shown that simply labelling the emotion reduces its intensity.  
• Question why you are feeling it.  What is the source or cause?  Asking this question immediately helps to shift the focus from the Amygdala to the Neocortex, which is where you want to be for a reasoned response.
• Question what the anticipated outcome would be by allowing the emotions to prevail.  This helps to further center your thoughts in your reasoning zone.
• You can then redirect your emotions on a more constructive path

There was a time where much of our behaviour was guided by our Amygdala, where necessity required us to respond constantly to perceived dangers and threats with an immediacy of action. Though we may face such needs occasionally in our lifetime (some of us not at all) we are more likely to need to respond to situations with approaches developed from our Neocortex.  Our ability to do so consistently is the foundation of Emotional Intelligence.  

Although much of the Limbic Hijacking that we experience is outside of our control, driven by brain hardwiring reflective of earlier times and needs, we can learn to manage and minimize its impact upon our behaviour.  Use the steps outlined above to help you to learn recognise when your emotions have been hijacked and to regain control, putting the more logical and reasoned you back in the driver's seat.  

The Contagious Nature of Emotions

You have probably noticed that you have friends and associates you enjoy being around.  They are
energetic and upbeat and you can't help but feel good around them.  Similarly, there are those that tend to cause the opposite reaction, leaving you feeling exhausted and drained.  This is because emotions are, in essence, contagious!

When we have someone in our lives that is angry we likely find ourselves feeling angry too. Happy people lead us to feel greater happiness.  This Emotional Contagion is far more pervasive and powerful an influencer over our emotional state than we would like to believe.  However, given that it is happening at an unconscious level, it is difficult for us to recognise and acknowledge its impact.

From infancy we imitate the facial expressions, postures and voices of those around us. That is how we learn to communicate effectively.  However, our body language is directly linked through the brain to how we feel.  When we are angry we adopt an angry pose, an angry facial expression and even an angry voice.  We assume that the emotion precedes, if not causes, the behaviour and, in general, this is true.  However, we can create the 'emotion' by manifesting the behaviours.

If we speak in an angry voice we will eventually begin to 'feel' angry.  Hold our bodies in anger, or put an angry expression on our face and we will soon find that we begin feeling angry.  We can therefore 'create' the emotion simply by adjusting what our 'body' is saying.

The contagious aspect of emotions arises because our mimicry of others when we were infants actually continues throughout our lives.  The 'mirror neurons' in our brains lead us to unconsciously and automatically mimic the emotional expressions of others.  Many researchers feel that our brains were hardwired this way as a survival tactic. When we had to be more attuned to the negative emotions of others to assure our survival and defense it proved to be a good thing. Our survival may not be at stake in our daily interactions today, but our brains still are wired to react and respond to the emotional triggers that others represent.

Therefore, we may find that we become infected by someone else's good mood, their happiness, enthusiasm and passion.  The reverse can also be true though, where we may be infected by someone else's negative emotions, their anger, depression or anxiety.  Research shows us that depression in a spouse will typically lead to depression in the partner.  We have likely all experienced the impact of a toxic person in our lives, whether personally or professionally.

We do know that some people tend to excel at catching emotions while others are far better at emitting them.  This means that some people are more vulnerable to the Emotional Contagion of others. Generally, those who are more attentive and sensitive, who are more empathetic, who care more about the opinions of others or who value collaboration more than independence may find themselves being more heavily influence by the emotions of others.

There are also those people who seem to be more 'contagious' than are others; people that exert a greater influence over others.  These people tend to experience and display stronger emotions making it 'easier' for others to pick up on their moods.  Interestingly, these emoters tend not to be as susceptible to the emotions of others, perhaps because they are so caught up in their emotional experiences that they are not as attentive to the emotions of others.

Although it's great to think of the positive impact of contracting someone's good mood, we humans tend to react more strongly to the emotions of pain, fear, sadness and disgust than we do to joy and serenity.  Figures!  Researchers therefore agree that the negative emotions prove to be more contagious, creating toxic environments.

Given that all of the above is typically happening at an unconscious level, is there anything that you can do to minimize the influence of the toxic people on your emotions?  Certainly, but it starts with your openly and honestly assessing how you feel when you are with different people.  Although the other person may not be deliberately trying to make you feel bad, the result is the same and needs to be questioned and addressed.  Once you have identified someone who may be negatively contagious...

• Distance yourself from their negative influence.  If their influence is predominantly negative, what purpose are they serving in your life?  If you can't eliminate them entirely then actively work at reducing the amount of time that you spend in their company
• Stop listening to them.  Even if you have to spend time with them (perhaps they are a member of your work team), you don't need to pay as much attention to their non-work specific content. The less you take in the less its potential to impact you.
• Try to reverse the process.  Knowing that their influence is predominantly negative means you can attempt to counter it by deliberately adopting and displaying positive postures and facial expressions.  Your brain can't remain in a negative mindset if or when you're smiling.  Force your brain to 'feel' something else, rather than remaining at the mercy of your toxic influencer.
• Manage your health.  It is far easier to feel positive when you are in good health than when you feel sick.  Just as the negative emotions can lead your health to suffer, positive health practices can also lead to more positive emotions

Just as prevention can help you from contracting a cold or perhaps flu, so too can a little preventative action help you to manage an emotional contagion.  There may not be a formal innoculation for it, but a little prevention can go a long way to minimizing the toxicity of that Negative-Nellie or Angry-Andy in your life!

 

Top 5 Tips for Improving your Emotional Intelligence

I am a student of success.  I believe that my clients, regardless of the presenting reasons they provide for hiring me as a coach, are all looking for greater success in their lives and careers.  This means that the more I learn about success factors the more I have to share with others.  My recent book is testimony to my ongoing fascination with the subject, providing you with 365 quick, actionable tips for success.

Despite my commitment to and fascination with learning, 'book' smarts are not enough to be successful.  You also need 'street' smarts to succeed, which is where Emotional Intelligence kicks in.  Studies are now showing just how critical Emotional Intelligence is to the success equation.  In fact, recent studies have found that 90% of top performers, within the organizations reviewed, are all high on the Emotional Intelligence scale.  These and other findings have led top Business Schools such as Yale to begin looking at Emotional Intelligence scores, along with high academic scores, to bolster their admittance criteria.  Their focus means it should also be your focus!

Consider Emotional Intelligence to be two key skill areas:

• the ability to express and control our emotions
• coupled with the ability to understand, interpret and respond appropriately to the emotions of others

Despite some ongoing debate on whether Emotional Intelligence is innate or can be learned, I believe strongly in the ability of each of us to improve whatever natural skills we were born with.  Indeed, much of my coaching practice enhances skills that relate to Emotional Intelligence, despite that not being the primary intent.  In order to help you to strengthen your skills and thereby heighten your success, I have pulled together what I feel are the Top 5 tips that will help you to develop your Emotional Intelligence.

1. Increase your Self Awareness.  You can't change or improve what you don't know needs changing or improvement.  If you do not regularly receive constructive feedback from others (360's are great tools for this) then you might want to explore some options for gaining some unbiased feedback regarding how others perceive you, how you interact with others, etc.  If your company doesn't offer tools such as this for their employees, or for your level, consider investing in it yourself.  Great leaders seek out the truth in how they come across to others in order to improve.  You need to do the same.
2. Strengthen and Practice your Communication Skills.  We know that our words have power but we often overlook the fact that 50 - 93% of our messages are conveyed through non-verbal channels.  The more that you strengthen your non-verbals skills, and your ability to read those of others, the greater your emotional intelligence quotient will be.
3. Develop your Listening Skills.  Yes, I know that technically Listening is part of the Communication process but in reality most people are either speaking or waiting to speak.  There is very little listening taking place.  Listening is usually an under-developed communication skill and deserves to be highlighted.  Everyone wants to be heard.  Your learning to listen more intentionally and purposefully helps you to receive more information from your dialogues with others.  Additionally, it develops the focus needed to help you recognise many of the messages coming from secondary messaging streams (like through non-verbals)
4. Show Interest in Others.  The more that you understand about the others you interact with the greater your ability to engage them positively.  Consider how valuable it would prove if you knew their interests, family situation, values, motivations.  Paying attention to others and showing interest in them, beyond what they can do for you, helps them to feel connected and valued which, in turn, makes them want to do more for you!
5. Learn to Recognise your Stress Triggers & Cues.  Let's face it, when we're stressed out we are likely to be more emotional, have a shorter fuse and be paying more attention to ourselves than to others.  In short, we tend to exercise less emotional intelligence in these stressed moments.  Improving our ability to recognise stressful moments (so we see 'em coming!) helps us to put more structure and support systems in place.  We therefore navigate the situation better, thereby reducing our stress level and leaving ourselves better able to manage our emotional response to it.  Sometimes though, stress sneaks up on us and we don't have the luxury of recognising it and planning for it.  It is therefore also useful to learn to recognise our stress cues, understanding how stress tends to manifest itself within us. For example, you may feel stress in your head primarily, resulting in your sleeping poorly, experiencing difficulty in concentrating, feeling the need to create to-do lists of your to-do lists.  If you learn to identify where you feel stress and how it typically manifests then you can use any of those cues as your early warning system, knowing that when they show up you are likely not in the best emotional state, highlighting the need to manage your emotional responses more consciously until you are under control again.

Like any muscle, you need to use a skill to strengthen it.  The 5 tips above will help you to grow and strengthen your Emotional Intelligence helping you to not only become more adept in managing and regulating your emotional responses but in perceiving and understanding the emotional cues of others.  Not only proving to be a tremendous asset in building your Success but skills that epitomize truly great Leaders.

(for more information on Emotional Intelligence you might want to check out Daniel Goleman's books below, which should be a part of any business and success library)

 

Time to Detox... your Mind!

We all have a negative thought or two from time to time, a moment in which we think we can't, that we're not good enough, that our job, our friends, our life... sucks!  Think for a moment though of how often you have those thoughts.  How often are you thinking negatively, of what you aren't, what you don't have, what you can't do?  If we are what we think, then these toxic thoughts are likely killing us.  In fact, Dr. Carolyn Leaf has often shared that 75 to 95% of illnesses we face are a direct result of our thoughts.  What we think about most affects us physically and emotionally.  Just as we may perhaps take measures to detox our body of harmful elements, maybe it's time to also consider the need to detox the mind!

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Watch your words, for they become actions.  Watch your actions, for they become habits.  Watch your habits, for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.  What we think we become"             Margaret Thatcher

The following list represents my Top 5 Toxic Tips... the five thoughts that you need to begin corralling and controlling now to Detox your Mind.

1.  Stop the Victim Mentality.  Thinking like a victim (that things happen 'To' you) puts you immediately at the control and mercy of others.  They seem to have control over what you feel and what you are experiencing.  Shape your world by shaping your experiences.  How you respond to events around you is always within your control.  Take back this power and use it to create experiences that serve you, not restrict you.

2.  Eliminate all of the could-haves, would-haves and should-haves from your vocabulary.  Each one of these highlights something we missed, that we lack, that we aren't.  Instead, focus on the choices you did make that led you to experience something positive, that helped you develop and grow a new skill, that provided you with an opportunity you would have missed otherwise.  The moment we make a choice we have something that we did not choose, just as we have something we did.  Focus instead on the choices you made and what you gained, rather than on what you missed out on as a result of the choice.  

3.  Learn to accept 'What Is'.  There are some things in life that are not within our control to change.  Death and Taxes are two!  Any time spent wishing or hoping they were different is a waste.  Accept these, build plans around them, move on, and focus on the elements that you can change to improve your outcome.  The words of the Serenity Prayer become your mantra for this Toxic Tip... "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

4.  Begin fertilizing on your side of the fence.  Stop thinking everyone else's grass is greener.  Time spent envying others is never positive. Instead, put that time into doing what it takes to create the yard and life you want.  You can have what others do if you are willing to invest the same time and effort.  If you are, get on with it.  If you aren't, stop whining about it.

5.  Stop Worrying about What Others Think.  Trying to make choices that satisfy everyone in your life is futile.  You can't possibly please 'em all, leaving you feeling badly about everything.  Instead, focus on making choices that serve you best.  Likely they will prove to also satisfy the majority.  Too much time is spent worrying about what others may think, only to find that they hadn't cared about the outcome of the decision in the first place.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do"                      Eleanor Roosevelt

Spending time in Detoxing your Mind is a positive investment in... you!  Eliminating the garbage that accompanies all of the negative thoughts opens your mind to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Definitely a winning strategy for more success and happiness in your life.  Surely a worthwhile investment to make.

Stop Hijacking your Emotions

When your emotions get the better of you, taking control of your actions and words, you have allowed
yourself to be Hijacked.  Daniel Goleman, well known author of Emotional Intelligence, uses the term emotional hijacking in his work to describe those moments when our emotions take over control of our reason, our behaviour and our words.

For me though, the term is a bit of a misnomer because you aren't actually being taken over.  Hijacking implies that you are not in control, someone or something else is.  However, you are always in control of your responses.  You are not being hijacked by your emotions, you are deferring to them.  They are not taking control of your responses, you are giving over control to them.  This very real, and very distinct, difference means that we are capable then of choosing not to lose control, of not giving in to our emotions, of not being at the mercy of our response.  We can choose differently.

Yes people will say stuff and do stuff that drives us crazy, makes us angry, upsets us, hurts and wounds us.  But... it is our choice to either defer to that emotional response or to choose a different, better and more personally helpful response.  However, just like biting our nails, over-eating  may have become habits in our lives, so too have many of our emotional responses.  Just as we can, in fact, change our habits and gain control over our nail-biting and over-eating, so too can we change our responses to situations.  We don't have to be at the mercy of any choices we have made in the past.  If they don't serve us in moving forward then we need to open ourselves to the desire to choose differently in the future.

Here are a couple of suggestions to help you pull back your conscious control of your emotional responses...

1.  Reduce the size of your 'Board'.  In my book, Choose the Life you Really Want, I outline an exercise called the Board of Directors.  The idea here is to identify all those individuals that you have invited over your lifetime to sit at your personal board table. These individuals are those that have an influence on the decisions and choices you make, whose opinions matter to you, who you make an effort to please.  Most of us have far too large of Board that we are trying to please.  Additionally, because they hold the position of Board member they have not only the power to influence us but the power to hurt and upset us.  By strategically working to reduce the size of our Board, to contain only those who serve us today, we reduce the potential for losing control of our emotions.  If our Board is cut in half, so too should our emotional episodes.  People are on your Board to serve you and guide you in some capacity. They are not on your Board to be served.  Reduce the size of your Board to contain only those that matter for you.  Basically... remove the others and, if they no longer matter, then you will no longer mind!

2.  Keep a log.  Maintain a log of all of your emotional episodes detailing; who was involved, what was it about, how did you feel, what was your response.  Over time you will gather enough examples of these episodes to truly be able to identify your biggest triggers.  Knowing and understanding your hotspots allows you to begin proactively developing your strategies for responding differently to them in future.  These prevent you from simply allowing the old emotional 'habit' to kick in.

3.  Know your desired responses.  This becomes a key component for anyone attempting to change any behavioural habit.  Know what you want instead.  You need to clearly define what your desired response is. In order to forestall the habitual behaviour from simply kicking in, you need to have a clearly defined alternative.  Give yourself something definitive to choose in that moment of anger or hurt. This allows you to break the previous habitual pattern and begin establishing a new one.

Don't Worry... Be Happy!

I have clients that are worriers.  I have family that are worriers.  I have friends that are worriers.  I worry about them!

In all seriousness though, worrying is seemingly becoming a very pervasive emotion.  Now, perhaps it is more simply a reflection of my coaching profession, but there seems to be an upsurge in the number of worriers that I am encountering.  An impact of our economic times?  Perhaps.  But it does seem that more people are worried about their futures than ever before, in recent times.  However, the act of worrying itself does nothing to improve their state but, it can very well have a significant impact on making things worse.

Worrying is like sitting on a rocking horse, it gives you something to do but you don't get anywhere doing it.                   Tony Robbins

 Worrying itself is neither a proactive or effective emotion.  Certainly worrying about a problem or situation in no way improves or changes it.  However, the effects of worry are much more negatively insidious than may be immediately apparent.

1. A key implication of worry is that things will not turn out well. Let's face it, we don't worry about things turning out well, just that they might turn out poorly for us.  The focus of worrying is all negative.  I won't get that promotion... I might lose my job... What if I fail at my task?... I might get hurt...  These are all what-if scenarios that lead us to inaction, rather than risking the possibility that they may occur.
2. The energy of worry is a heavy burden for us to carry.  It has a physical impact on us and can prove very debilitating for us over the long term.  Just as we know that carrying an extra 100 pounds of excess weight will have a physical impact on our body, causing early wear and tear and strain on our muscles, organs and heart... so too with worry.
3. Worry is not just physically debilitating but mentally debilitating as well.  We create worry loops in our mind that play endlessly, preventing us from engaging in the very thoughts that would lead us to the solution we desire or the action we need to take.
4. Worry expands.  It ripples out beyond us.  Even as we worry about ourselves, we also worry about others in our lives that we care for.  Although this is done out of love and concern for them, we slowly begin to push that negative energy onto them, forcing them to also begin to carry the worry load.  The more they begin to assume and duplicate our burden, the more self-doubt begins to creep into their perspective, thus limiting their growth and potential. Not our intention, surely!

Worrying can be a healthy response to life when it is realistic in its frequency, strength and duration.  When it becomes extreme though, it becomes almost addictive.  We have all heard of adrenalin junkies, those extreme athletes perhaps that pursue the next big adventure that provides them with that adrenalin high.  The truth about worrying though is that it also causes a release of adrenalin into the body, which can prove just as addictive.  We now become worry-junkies, constantly finding something new, something more, to worry about, thus getting our adrenalin fix.  We might get the immediate reinforcement of that adrenalin, but our worry and fears will keep us from going after what it is we want from our life and leave us with nothing but our worries to show for it.

Instead, we need to take control of our thoughts and redirect them in more positive ways.  When we are worrying, we are thinking about the possibility of negative outcomes.  We fear the 'what ifs'.  This is all thinking about the future though.  We are projecting outward the possible negative outcomes of a particular action.  Instead, we need to become more fully present in and focused on the present.  The more we maintain our focus on today, the less we have to worry about.  Every time you find yourself thinking the 'what ifs' or 'yes buts', redirect your thoughts back to the problem at hand and the actions you can take now.

Worry, like fear, is all in the mind.  We are afraid of the possibilities that may potentially exist for us and it paralyzes our actions.  Instead, consider all possibilities.  Nature likes balance... why not you?  Every time you find yourself thinking of  a negative possibility, balance it with its positive counterpart.  Break the negative worry-loop by disrupting the pattern and inserting a potentially positive outcome.  Just beginning to recognise that there are outcomes that may prove helpful and beneficial can go a long way to reducing your anxiety.

Show yourself, and others, your support.  Say... 'I know I (you) will get through this - what can I do now to support it?'  This will prove more helpful to everyone than pointing out every potential pitfall.  And... in the end, adopting the attitude of Bobby McFarren (the title of this blog post) or a mantra from Disney's Lion King... Hakuna Matata...  couldn't hurt either!

 

Defence Mechanisms - What ones are you using?

Defence Mechanisms.  We all use them.  These are the unconscious protective measures we take to protect ourselves from our anxieties, to avoid confronting our weaknesses.  In the short term they typically work to help us to manage the stress,to cope with messages and situations, allowing us to slowly come to terms with our thoughts and experiences.  In the long term though, our defence mechanisms may serve as barriers to our own learning and growth, preventing us from coming to terms with our experiences and growing beyond them.  Learning to recognise your defence mechanisms of choice can sometimes help you to unmask your barriers and learn to move beyond the initial hurt and anxiety.

According to Anna and Sigmund (Freud that is!), there are 9 key defence mechanisms...

1.  Denial.  This has to be the most common and generic of the defence mechanisms (and really, have any of us not used this at one time or another?).  Denial occurs when we refuse to accept the reality of a fact or experience, we argue against an anxiety provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist perhaps that it never even happened.  You may see this in people who distance themselves from their bad habits by insisting that they are only social drinkers or smokers, or perhaps someone who denies that their physician is correct in their diagnosis of cancer and continues to seek out other opinions rather than beginning treatment. 

2.  Repression.  This simply means you forget that something bad happened to you.  Just as someone may 'forget' sexual abuse from their childhood, due to the trauma and anxiety it caused, repression serves to create a buffer between you and the event.  In the short term this may be a necessary method of coping with the pain, but in the longer term it may have an unavoidable impact on the way in which you view yourself or relationships in general if not recognised.  Repression may even result in your unconscious 'forgetting' an upcoming event that you dread attending as a means of avoiding it entirely.

3.  Regression.  In this defence mechanism we tend to revert to a childlike emotional state (a previous stage of development) where your unconscious fears and anxieties generally reappear.  In short, you are likely to have a more childlike reaction to the stress you are under; throwing a temper tantrum, refusing to talk when mad, sitting in a corner and crying, running to your room, slamming doors...  if you are a parent you know these signs!

4.  Displacement.  This occurs when you transfer your feelings and take out your impulses on a less threatening target.  For example, punching the wall instead of hitting someone, yelling at your spouse or kids because you're mad at your boss.

5.  Projection.  Instead of recognising and accepting a particular quality in ourselves (which might not be that appealing or comfortable for us) we 'project' it onto others and instead accuse them of having those thoughts and feelings.  In essence, whatever we don't 'like' about ourselves we see in others. An example would be when we're losing an argument we accuse the other person of being 'stupid'.  Homophobia would be another.

6.  Reaction Formation.  This is when we mask our true feelings by adopting the exact opposite, because the true feeling causes us anxiety.  For example; we lust after someone we feel we shouldn't so they become the target of our hatred; we have a bias against a particular race or culture and so we embrace them to the extreme.

7.  Intellectualization.  Is the avoidance or neutralization of unacceptable or uncomfortable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.  We deal with the logical aspects to avoid feeling or dealing with the pain.  For instance, focusing on the details of a funeral, rather than the sadness and grief we feel.

8.  Rationalization.  This is somewhat similar to intellectualization but it deals more with supplying a logical or rational reason for some negative action we have taken, as opposed to the real reason.  Often it is easier to blame others for our behaviour than to face up to what we were feeling, or why we did what we did.  Rather than accepting our poor performance as the reason for being fired we create the explanation that the boss never liked us and always had it in for us.

9.  Sublimation.  This tends to be a much more long term strategy, in which we act out our unacceptable impulses in a socially acceptable way.  In this mechanism we transform our conflicted emotions into more productive outlets.  Dealing with aggressive impulses by taking up boxing or martial arts would be an example.

Certainly you it would be difficult to read over the list above and not see yourself in some of them.  We all need to create some distance between ourselves and our emotions at times.  However, we don't want to be at the mercy of these defence mechanisms and have them create such a bugger between us and our experiences that we are unable to learn or grow from them.  There can be tremendous growth that comes out of our experiences, but we have to be present to those experiences for that growth to occur.  Next time you catch yourself using one of the above, take a moment to ask yourself what emotion you are defending yourself against, and what you can learn from it.  The point is not to wallow in the emotion but to discover the life lesson it contains.  Embracing the lesson is all about moving forward toward something better.  And really...  who would want anything less for themselves?

The Joy of Learning

I am writing this blog post, early in the morning, with my iPad and I both huddled under the covers while my roommate sleeps on. I feel a little like a kid at camp must, who has been told that it's lights out and who, instead, huddles with friends under the blankets with a flashlight, telling ghost stories.

Why am I not taking advantage of the time away from the day-to-day household noise, enjoying the lovely hotel bed that I won't have to make, sleeping in for a change? Because I am away attending an amazing conference and I am too excited about what I am learning. I can't wait to get home and start applying it. I can't wait for the day to get started so I can get into the conference room and learn more. My mind seems overloaded with new thoughts, ideas and concepts. And yet...it miraculously opens up to new thoughts, making room in a space that had previously seemed full to bursting.

Although I do feel a sense of overwhelm and do experience questions in my mind concerning what I am going to do with all of this new information, I am far too excited and jazzed about everything to allow anything to break my buzz.

Here's my question to you. When was the last time you felt like this? When was the last time you allowed yourself to be a student and opened yourself to learning something new? And not just something new...something that got you excited, ideas that you could feel physically, with an almost butterflies in the stomach kind of wonder?

This is how we felt as children when we were learning. We experienced the wonder of new ideas. We let them sink in and connect with other things we had learned until we then asked questions to increase our understanding and strengthen those links. And not just one or two questions, we asked QUESTIONS! We weren't concerned with what other people thought about the quality of our questions, we were solely focused on our own understanding. We wanted to know, we wanted to understand and, perhaps most importantly, we wanted to learn more.

As I prepare to head out to experience my final day of this conference, I invite you all to crawl out from under your covers with me and open yourself to new ideas and thoughts today. Adopt the learning model and pose of a child. Look at the new idea with wonder, not skepticism; with joy, not reluctance; with excitement, not dread.

This is my new motto, and I invite you all to explore and perhaps even adopt THIS new idea... To learn as a child. You might just be surprised to rediscover the pure pleasure of learning.

The Effects of Emotional State on Influence Success

Research studies have shown a clear connection between the emotional state of the individual and the success of an influence strategy.  In these studies, people were either exposed to messages that were designed to induce fear-based emotions or romantic-based emotions.  These emotions were created through short stories and film clips.

Each group was then exposed to advertisements using either social-proof* or scarcity** type messages as their influence strategies.  The results?  Those people exposed previously to fear-based emotions were more persuaded by the social proof appeals, while those people exposed to romantic-based emotions were more persuaded by influence messages utilizing scarcity and uniqueness.

Interestingly, studies have also shown that not only our buying behaviour, but our selling behaviour can be affected by our emotional state.  Jennifer Lerner and her associates set out to determine just this.  What they did find was that those individuals in which they induced a feeling of sadness (again, through film clips and essays) were likely to pay more for an item if buying, or to sell it for less.  In fact, compared to the emotionally neutral buyers, sad buyers were willing to pay as much as 30% more for an item, while sad sellers were willing to price items at up to 33% less than emotionally neutral sellers. 

Other studies have been conducted that demonstrate that ANY emotionally charged issue or situation, regardless of whether it is positively or negatively charged, will have a direct impact and influence on the type and quality of decisions made. 

The implications?

• consider carefully the placement of advertisements, within magazines etc.  The effectiveness of your ad will be heavily influenced by the article(s) preceding it.  The content of your advertisement would need to shift depending upon whether the articles precding it were happy or sad, positive or negative in nature.  The emotions that those articles evoke in your audience will have a significant impact on the way in which your advertisement is viewed and, ultimately, how much of your product gets sold.
• this same consideration should be given to the likely emotional state of your audience, before crafting and framing your communications or requests.  If employees are fearful of the economic situation and stability of the marketplace, then they are more likely to be influenced by messages utilizing the social proof heuristic and will be less responsive to messages that utilize other influence attempts. 
• you should also give some consideration to how you are feeling - emotionally - before entering into any negotiation process or buying situation.  You are most likely to make the best buying decisions when in a fairly emotionally neutral state.  

If you have ever found yourself buying something that you didn't want or need, or paying a much higher price for something than you should have - you know you have been influenced through an emotional state.  Just as we have been told repeatedly not to go grocery shopping when hungry, so too must we now consider not going shopping when we're too emotionally charged.  Unless, of course, we won't mind the impact on our pocket-book!!



*social proof - evidence that others are 'doing' it, celebrity endorsements fall into this category.  In general, we look to others behaviour to guide our own.

**Scarcity - the 'only 50 left' strategy.  If something is in limited supply or going quickly we may be more inclined to purchase it for ourselves.