Skis Only Come in Pairs; the Challenges of Being a Single Businesswoman

My son had grown out of his old snow skis and needed a new pair.  New boots, bindings, skis... the whole deal. Not an inexpensive enterprise but something we were willing to invest in, given our desire to ski as a family over the upcoming winter season. However, our first outing, proudly sporting his new racing skis, he went over a small jump and landed tip first snapping of the tip of his brand new skis.

Now, unlike shoes, snow skis typically have no left or right. Therefore, in my ignorance, I assumed that we only had to purchase one new ski, replacing the one that had broken. To my surprise (and financial dismay) though, I discovered skis only come in pairs. I never did receive a good explanation for this phenomenon, the most frequent reason cited being ``that`s just how they come!``

The following week I was part of a women`s discussion group concerning hidden stereotypes and barriers to the progress of women in business when the subject turned to the perceived view that to be viewed as `successful` a woman needed to be part of a `twosome`. This was not the first time I had head this, I`ve had numerous senior businesswomen express frustration with the view that there must be something `wrong` with them if they are still single, the most common belief being that they must be some kind of man-hater, a woman who has perhaps sacrificed her femininity in order to be able to `make it` in the corporate world.

In short, they are made to feel inadequate for not being part of a pair, as though it is somehow indicative of their inability to forge relationships, thereby decreasing their business effectiveness or leadership success.  Interestingly though, single men don`t seem to suffer the same perception in the work world. They are either viewed as being between partners or are believed to be work-focused. Neither view seeming to carry any perceived negative stigma, serving instead to move people to be sympathetic to his situation or to revere his dating popularity. In either scenario his single status was generally attributed to circumstances and not to any `failing` on his part.  Certainly it was never indicative of any potential inability to lead or manage the business aspect of his life.

Many of my single female clients though comment on the fact that their single status often carries numerous assumptions, many of which focus on personal qualities and characteristics they must lack, qualities which are deemed to be essential to lead effectively. Additionally, they find others uncomfortable in inviting them to social events if they plan to attend alone. This is reflective of not only people's reluctance to have uneven numbers at a dinner table (please!) but the belief that a single woman must be 'looking'. If there are only married men present... beware!

The stereotypical belief that all women are earth mothers and naturally nurturing implies that all women want and need to be mothers. Those women that choose not to have children are somehow seen as lacking in some way. The guilt and baggage these women can be made to carry as a result is surprisingly huge, yet men that choose not to enter into fatherhood are not burdened with negative impressions in the same way.

We know though that women who skew too far away from the expected stereotypical image of 'who' women are can find their career stalled or derailed. Many top female CEO's who are relieved of their position have often commented afterward that their biggest mistake was focusing primarily on the business at hand (leading like a man) and not overly demonstrating enough awareness of and interest in the employee base (leading like a woman).

So what is a single business woman to do in an effort to combat the assumptions and stereotypes that may negatively impact their career?  The following are some tips offered by our female single clients that have served them well...

• For those less-than-secure wives of male co-workers, make a point of approaching them at social gatherings with a comment or two about an activity that they are engaged in.  This not only demonstrates that their spouse is speaking openly and positively about them (a welcome sign) but shows a natural and warm interest in them as a person. This helps to move you out of the 'potential threat' category. You don't want your male counterparts avoiding working with you on projects simply because they are fearful of what their wives might think. (and... yes... according to numerous clients this is a legitimate 'thing'!)
• Many single people have a pet or two for companionship (so do many married people but we're not talking about them!) Don't hesitate to reference your pets, it can help you appear more caring, but don't overly personalize them. Bear in mind that the 'crazy cat lady' is always seen as single!
• Don't hesitate to speak about the shows you've seen, the hikes you've taken, the restaurants you've been to. Many times single folks avoid this so as not to make their married counterparts jealous. However, my clients assure me that it helps them to be viewed as someone who has chosen to be single versus someone who has not. The more that being single is viewed as a state within your control, a lifestyle choice, the more accepting others are likely to be. Letting others discretely know that you are doing well on your own is often all that is required to keep them viewing you as successful and competent (and from all the well-wishers from trying to set you up!)
• It may sound silly, but speaking glowingly about favoured nieces and nephews helps others to see you as nurturing and helps everything fit better in their world. Nothing changes in yours of course but... after all... it's all about them anyway, isn't it?

Tip Thursday - Image

Job hunters take note - if you are being interviewed over a meal you might just want to skip ordering that glass of wine or pre-dinner drink.  Researchers from the University of Michigan and of Pennsylvania found that merely seeing someone holding an alcoholic drink is enough for us to deem them less intelligent.

This is not due to our expectation that intelligent people don't drink, but more an impact of the perceived connection between drinking and cognitive impairment. We tend to assume impairment even if there isn't any. There is actually a name for this association - the 'Imbibing Idiot Bias'.

So, job candidates beware. ordering that drink over dinner may make you appear less intelligent and be enough to cost you the job. A steep price to pay for enjoying a small glass of wine!

Girls Just Want to Have Fun... Or Do They?

According to a Robert Half International survey, of Vice-Presidents and Personnel Directors at 100 of America's largest corporations, 84% of respondents said they thought that employees with a sense of humour did a better job than those with little or no 'sense of fun'. In a similar survey of CEO's, by Hodge-Cronin & Associates, 98% of respondents stated a definitive preference for job candidates with a good sense of humour.

Great!  Don't we all want to work with people that are positive and upbeat? But wait... research conducted by Connie Glaser (of 'Swim with the Dolphins' fame) showed that CEO's indicated that one of the key qualities they felt prevented women from getting ahead on the job was a LACK of a sense of humour.

So... research is saying that a sense of humour is a requirement for advancement into the senior ranks AND that most CEO's feel that women lack one.

How can this be? When I'm out with a group of my girlfriends for an evening we are often doing 'mascara-checks' on each other after laughing so hard we were crying... and these women are all highly successful business women. It can't just be me that has downright funny female friends... can it?

The catch phrase in my description of my evening out though is that I was out for an evening 'with the girls'. There were no men there. Does this have an impact? Yes, absolutely.

As young girls women are often led to believe that they shouldn't (or can't) tell jokes. Therefore, social conditioning begins working on us, leading us to suppress our sense of humour. Many women, when questioned, say that they will often hold back on the humour at work because it's unladylike or because people won't take them seriously if they are seen as being funny. The third reason often given is that men don't seem to get their jokes!

There are really two parallel issues running here. First, that women tend to hold back on the humour because they work too hard to be taken seriously to jeopardize it for the sake of a laugh and, secondly, that men often don't realize 'when' women are being funny because the humour is feminine, not masculine, in nature.

The challenge for women becomes immediately apparent though when reviewing what the first two surveys described above tell us. Men don't see or appreciate women's humour and therefore women may not be promoted as fast or as far as a result. What then is a woman who wants to be viewed as a professional, and be taken seriously around the boardroom table, to do?

First of all, women need to learn the fine art of tightrope walking. Unfortunately the world of work is still predominantly masculine directed, meaning that the most commonly understood communicative style is male. Therefore it will usually prove easier for a woman to adapt her style to match.* This does not mean abandoning all sense of self in the process but it does mean making some concessions to the male sense of what's funny.

The key strategy? Laugh. Recognise that laughing has less to do with the actual joke telling (lots of men can't tell jokes either) but it has everything to do with building camaraderie and a feeling of connection.

The good news is that because of the strong stereotypical belief that women (as a whole) aren't funny, you don't have to go for the big belly laugh to be seen as having a sense of humour. Even if you aren't great at telling a funny story (personally I never remember the punchline to jokes) relaxing enough to share in someone else's ability to do so, and responding positively to it, will go a long way to helping lighten your perception and profile.



*please note that I said that it is often 'easier' for a woman to adapt her style, not that I agree it is right, fair or just for her to have to do so in an effort to be promoted.  This is a different issue!

Tip Thursday - Perception

We tend to quickly perceive...
... things we are focusing on, but not things we are not focusing on.
... things we expect to see, but not things we don't expect to see.
... things we want to see, but not things we do not want to see.

Our experiences and perceptions of people and events are therefore shaped by our focus, expectations and wants.  If you want to broaden your perceptions, to learn to view things more as they are and not how you want or expect them to be, you need to suspend your beliefs and expectations.

Don't interpret, simply observe.  Typically far easier said than done, but it will open you to far richer experiences.

The Cheerleader Effect

There has long been a standing belief that people were more attractive collectively than individually.  Indeed, even Barney Stinson (of How I met Your Mother fame) discussed the impact of the collective when viewing the relative level of 'attractiveness' of women in a bar.  However, recent research (Walker & Vul, 2013, Psychological Science) has proven that the Effect is, in fact, true.

It seems that when we see people in a group, our brain focuses first on them as a group, computing general information about the group as  whole.  We will assess how many there are, determine the general mood of the group etc.  This quick assessment then serves to influence any perceptions that we may then have about the individual members, making us see each of them as more like the 'group's average' than we may have seen each, if taken individually.

In the study, people were generally rated as more attractive, when rating them from a group photo, than when only their individual photo was being assessed.  Certainly, this has implications for the dating scene - suggesting the need to become strategic in taking along a few 'well-chosen' wing men... those whose physical attributes balance off any possible personal deficiencies.  Your eyes spaced too close together?  Hang out with someone whose eyes are further apart.  Taken together you'll appear 'just right'!

Joking (and dating) aside though, this concept did get me thinking about other implications.  If we have the tendency to 'average' out the physical attributes of a group, when determining individual attractiveness, might we not also tend to unconsciously average out other characteristics?  For instance, if I was in a room full of Mensa-members, would someone observing me in this situation apply the 'law of averaging' (in which case I would come out ahead!) or would I simply suffer in comparison to those around me?

We know that who we surround ourselves with impacts our level of achievement and success, that we have a tendency to work to the level of those we engage with.  Therefore, to be more successful we would need to surround ourselves with more successful people.  This has an impact upon our mindset.  However, the question here is not whether we are psychologically impacted by the company we keep, but whether those observing us are.  Can we influence their perceptions of us simply by modifying the people with which we are 'seen' to associate?

If we are quick to be deemed more attractive, simply by standing next to those whose features complement our own, it seems logical to expect that attributes, beyond simply the physical, would also be assigned to us based upon what is known about the attributes of those with whom we associate.  If we surround ourselves with those that are driven to get ahead, would it not be likely that those 'higher up' would also categorize us as wanting the same?  What if we tend to hang-out more with people happy to continue in the niche they have carved out for themselves?  Might this have an impact on 'why' we are not getting ahead as quickly as we would like?

We are typically very quick to judge others, forming unconscious assumptions about who they are, what they are capable of, what they stand for.  If you seem to be experiencing difficulty in getting others to 'see' you the way that you want, or to establish a credible brand, you might want to consider who you are associating yourself with, within the workplace landscape, and whether the Law of Averaging is working to your benefit or not.  If the averaging phenomenon is not working to your advantage, you might want to consider getting a different crew of workplace wingmen!

Love the Work you Do

How we feel about virtually anything in our lives is a matter of perspective.  And our perspective is a matter of choice.  Therefore... I choose how I feel.

• Road Rage?  I chose it.
• Excitement?  I chose it.
• Frustration?  I chose it.
• Happiness?  I chose it.

So now... think about your job.  How do you feel about the work that you do?  If you find that you are frustrated and dreaming about doing something else, if the work that others do sounds infinitely more interesting, more exciting, consider that you are creating your own sense of frustration.  You are choosing to feel this way.

Seth Godin asks... "What if surfing was your job?  Where would you go for vacation?"

A professional surfer has days where they find themselves having to drag their board out into the surf.  It may be cold or overcast, their muscles may be hurting from the day before, they may just not feel like getting wet. But they get out there, because that's their job.  Everything looks glamorous from the outside but every job has elements to it that the doer dislikes.  EVERY job.

However, regardless of the role or task, there is someone out there that enjoys that aspect.  The very piece of your job that has you screaming out in frustration, the task that you find laborious, is something that would truly delight and inspire someone else.  Why not you?  Up until now you have chosen to be frustrated by it, to dread it, to avoid it, to procrastinate until there was no way out.

Your drudgery is another person's delight.  It's only a job if you treat it that way."   Seth Godin

What if, instead, you chose to be delighted by the drudgery?  What if you chose to be so grateful for the work you do that the drudgery associated with it didn't detract from your enjoyment?   What if you determined to Love the work you do?

Our perspective is a matter of choice. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.  What we don't consider is that it's greener because they fertilize.  Start choosing to fertilize on your side of the fence rather than gazing wistfully at the other side and see how that shifts your perspective.

What's your Advantage?

Your Competitive Advantage that is...

In the Industrial Age, having access to certain tools, whether knowledge, training or physical tools of some kind, provided you with a very distinct competitive advantage over others.    In today's marketplace though everyone has easy and ready access to information.  Experts are more accessible than ever, as is even education through the internet.  The accessibility of and to 'tools' therefore is no longer a defining feature or benefit in the marketplace.  Likely most people that you are competing against will have a similar educational background, a similar set of physical skills and abilities and comparable experiences.

How then do you differentiate yourself in the marketplace of today?

More than ever before, people are having to learn to position and sell themselves.  The 'personal' them, not just simply their skills and abilities.  In today's business place the job market is extremely competitive.  There are a lot of highly skilled and technically competent candidates competing for the 'good' available roles.  Employers then are able to be selective when hiring.  The key differentiator between those that receive offers, and those that don't, tends to be based more on the personal qualities and characteristics of the candidates than on their technical merits.

• how likeable is the candidate?
• do they appear to be someone that will fit in well with our existing team?
• how self-focused versus others-directed do they appear?
• what is their work attitude?
• how trustworthy did they seem to be?
• are they competitive, cooperative, innovative, conventional, group oriented, self directed...?

These are all questions that your interviewer is asking themselves - whether consciously or unconsciously - and likely basing their decision upon.  We know from research that the likeability of political candidates is one of the top three reasons for us voting the way we vote.  We know that apparent trustworthiness is one of the top two components to creating a strong first impression.   If you are not concerning yourself with 'how' you deliver your answers to your interview questions, with 'how' you come across to others in your first impression, you are likely not as competitive in the marketplace as you should be - certainly not as much as you would want.

Still the best, and easiest, way to assess this is to film yourself in a mock interview.  Pay attention not to the content of your responses, but to the delivery of them.  How did you look, sound, move?  What feelings did your responses stir and generate?  When you said you were delighted to be there did you look and sound delighted?  If you were meeting you for the first time through your videotape - what would you think of you?  Would you like you?  

All of the above is a great starting point for beginning to understand how others see you, allowing you to begin the work of strengthening the delivery of your secondary messages.  Having the 'right' answer is one thing.  Delivering it in a way that makes it - and you - memorable is an entirely different component but one that is proving to be the deciding element.  You spend time and effort in crafting and learning your interview stories.  Now... practice the delivery of them. 

Each should have underlying messages to the audience, telling them how they should think, feel, or respond to what you are saying - all communicated through how you deliver it.  These secondary messages may be indirect but they are powerful.  They can be the difference between your message being believed, or not, and are what is needed today to give you the true competitive advantage over your competition.  

The Perceived Leader

If you put a group of people together and give them a task, a leader will emerge. It's inevitable.


I was thinking about this concept the other night while watching an episode of Survivor.  There was a returning player telling the camera that his strategy this time around was to lay back and not take charge of the group.  He was going to avoid the 'leader' role. However, as soon as the group arrived at their home beach, he started tossing out ideas and suggestions about what should be done, how it should be done and the order of each.  He couldn't help himself.  The other players immediately labelled him as 'leader'.

In a recent study, published in Personality and Social Psychology, it was suggested that leaders emerge in problem solving situations due to two primary factors:

• their outspoken behaviour
• how others perceive this behaviour

It typically has very little to do with competence.  In fact, there is often a big gap between the actual Competence and the Perception of a leader's capabilities; the perception of leadership capability having been driven by the individual's outspoken behaviour and not their competence.  

In the study it was found that the leader's dominant behaviour during group problem solving led them to offer more suggestions than others did, thereby increasing their perceived value by others in the group.  It is interesting to note though that their solutions were no better or worse than anyone else's. There were just more of them.  When reviewing the content of the suggestions it was found that the 'leaders' did not add the best value, they were just heard from first and most often.

The results of this study help to understand a critical issue that Introverts face when looking to heighten their leadership profile.  They must learn to share more during group situations.  The difficulty that most Introverts face though is that they prefer to fully process something before sharing a finished conclusion.  They aren't comfortable in sharing a partially developed idea, since that does not have as much perceived value to them as an idea that is fully processed.  Therefore, Introverts don't tend to speak up as often as their more outspoken peers although they tend to share more solid content when they do.  As we've seen though, there is a gap between Competence and Perception.  Introverts may share more content and value-filled ideas than their outspoken peers but they are not likely to be perceived as a 'leader' by the group since they don't share as often. 

Despite their discomfort in doing so then, it is evident that Introverts need to learn to 'share' more often in group situations if they want to heighten their leadership profile.  The following are two solid strategies you can use to be seen as more of a leader within your team activities:

Speak up early, if not first.

Introverts will find it easier to speak up if they are not caught up in processing too much information.
Therefore, make a point of speaking early in a meeting, before there have been too many topics raised bogging down your thought processing centers.  First is best, but early and often counts too!

Go for Volume.

Pull from the studies above to recognise that it is the act of tossing out ideas and suggestions that has perceived value by the group, not necessarily  'good' ideas.  Introverts like to share solid content. Therefore, they tend to hold onto their thoughts until they have reached a finished conclusion.  This costs them visibility.  Instead, learn to let go of the need to share something that is fully formed and share the issues that you are mulling over.  The group will perceive that as having as much value as your finished conclusion would have netted you, getting you into the game earlier and more often.
  

That Survivor contestant engaged in all the right activities to be quickly perceived as and labelled a leader.  However, unlike in our careers, when you are playing Survivor it is important to know how 'not' to be seen as the leader, which meant keeping his ideas and suggestions to himself.  Although he believed he was merely being 'helpful', speaking up first and often will be perceived as a bid for power by the group.  In the board room this could be a good thing.  On the 'island' decidedly not.

It is Personal!

I am tired of the phrase... 'It's not Personal, it's Business'.

I'm tired of its overuse, I'm tired of people brandishing it like a shield to preface every potentially 'bad' conversation and, in particular, I am tired of people using it as an excuse for poor, rude and insensitive behaviour.

Where's the love people?  Where are the conversations that get personal?  Where are the conversations that let others in our lives - even those we work with - know that they matter?   Where's the 'constructive' feedback?  You know... the feedback that we can actually do something with.  Not the comments that are simply mean, cruel and spiteful... but those pieces of information, offering insights, that are coupled with ideas and suggestions for improvement?  Hmmm...  apparently it takes more thought than to simply offer criticism.

Let's face it folks... we're all human beings.  We all have feelings.  (yep... even him!)  Let's start taking accountability for the words that we say, the information we choose to share and take ownership for their impact and results.

Want to take it a step further?  Join a movement.  I happened to come across this site on the internet - a site that is dedicated simply to bringing a little more joy, happiness and... well... gosh-darnit... love into people's lives.  It's a site dedicated to writing and sending anonymous love letters.  A great way to perk up some stranger's day.



As much as you can use the site to forward a letter for you... why not take the initiative to write and leave a letter somewhere, for someone?  If you leave the 'more love letters' site name, you can always check back to see if your letter gets posted/mentioned... see how your gesture impacted someone.

Come on...  let's band together on this one...  let's MAKE it personal!

Seeing Apparently IS Believing!

Take a look at the following video.  It explains a phenomenon known as the McGurk effect, where what we hear is overridden by what we see...

Is it any wonder that the reports of eye witnesses to accidents and crimes can vary so much?  What about the interpretations of what we 'believe' someone has said to us?

We know that the biggest percentage of the impression we create is driven by the Visual.  The McGurk effect is one more example of how much we rely on our vision, our view of the world around us, to shape our interpretations of it.

I've been speaking with clients for years about the need to ensure that our 'visual' cues work in alignment with our voice and content to create a consistent message.  Inconsistent messages are going to result in mixed messages.

Make sure that you have clarity over your Personal Brand and then ensure that what you say, do and even how you look works in support of it.  Otherwise, we really are leaving our message to chance and are left to the mercy of the McGurk and other as-yet-to-be-discovered effects that skew our messaging off course.

Our Value Attribution

We all have heard, and been told, that the first impression we make upon others is incredibly important.  Recent research is now showing that our first impression is not only important in how others view us in the short term, but in the long term as well. 

It seems that once we form a first impression surrounding the perceived value of something or someone, the Value Attribution, it is difficult to shift the perception, regardless of the actual performance of the product or person.  Hmmm....  this means that once we have ascribed a certain value to something/someone, we rarely shift that perception, even in the face of contrary facts.  If we have determined that product X is amazing...  even though it doesn't prove to perform amazingly well in actual use, we are likely to continue to frame our experiences with the product in terms of how amazing it is, not relative to how it failed to meet our expectations.

In the book 'Sway: the Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior', authors Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman took a look at NBA draft picks.  Those chosen during the first round of picks, the early draft picks, had a perceived higher Value Attribution.  Because they were chosen early, they were perceived to be players that were 'better' and were likely to get snatched up quickly by others.  Therefore, their perceived value was higher.  As a result, they got more play time, more media attention, etc.  This all fits with the belief that the early picks are the better players.

What doesn't fit with this though were the perceptions that persisted, even in the face of actual performance statistics.  What the Brafmans determined was that the initial impression, the Value Attribution, of each player - which was created by being an early or late draft pick - stayed with a player for almost 5 years, despite their actual performance on the court.  The first impression set the perceived value bar and determined the future way in which we interpreted their performance and behaviour.

We have always been told that our first impressions are important, but these findings would imply that our first impressions are even more critically important to us and our careers than we might have previously believed.  If someone's first impression of us will serve to colour their ongoing perception of our performance and value, then we better get it right the first time.  We no longer can afford to leave those critical first few moments to chance!

In Executive Presence, Personal Branding and Impression Management seminars I have always emphasized the need to ensure that we use those first few moments to our advantage, helping to set the stage for how people will view us.  Never has this been more important than in today's overly competitive marketplace.  Couple this with people's seemingly shortened attention spans and the weighting on those first moments rises exponentially.

There are few times in your life when it isn't too melodramatic to say your destiny hangs on the impression you make.     Barbara Walters

The Work:

1.  Be clear about your message.  Who are you?  What do you represent?  You cannot be all things to all people so it is in your best interest to ensure that you represent what matters to you.  You must start with your message, the one that speaks to your authentic self.  Don't muddy the waters by trying to be what you believe others want to see.  If you are going to be 'labelled' in the minds of others, make sure it is with the label that you are handing to them.

2.  Conduct a Self-Evaluation.  Once you are clear about your personal message (consider this your Brand), it is necessary to evaluate how well you represent this.  Consider what behaviours would exemplify these messages and determine whether this is true of how you typically behave.  Videotape yourself and assess whether how you move, speak and sound help sell this message - or something different.

3.  Action Steps.  You likely have identified some gaps in number 2 above, areas in which there is some dissonance between how you are currently coming across and the branded message that you desire.  Take a moment to evaluate why.  One possible cause for a gap could rest in the brand you have established.  Ensure that it is truly reflective of what matters to you most and not of the brand that you expect others would want or prefer.  If the branded message is fine, then determine what behaviours are out of sinc with this brand and list them.  Consider which seems to be the biggest detractor from your desired Brand and start with it.  How might you 'do' different around this message?  What behaviours should you adopt, stop or modify?  Are there aspects of your voice or body movement that need to be modified to help you live to this message more believably and consistently?

We all have value.  Everyone.  The trick to creating a strong first impression is being honest enough with ourselves to discover what our true personal value is and confident enough to share it with others.