Are you too Passive to Promote?

There are times when taking a passive approach, a 'don't rock the boat' perspective, may strategically be in your best interest given the situation you are facing. However, adopting passive approaches consistently will likely not serve your long term career interests if your desire is to advance.

Overly passive people are those who prefer to take the path of least resistance, who will studiously avoid upsetting others and will defer to the judgment, opinions and wishes of those around them.  It is when being nice goes beyond its boundaries and becomes 'too nice'.

Don't misunderstand.  Caring about others is important.  However, it becomes problematic when you lose yourself to it.  Other's needs should not always overshadow your own. Additionally, deferring consistently to the needs of others will make you appear hesitant, unsure, indecisive and lacking in confidence.  It is this perception others hold that will grind your career advancement to a halt.  If you are seen to be someone incapable of holding an opinion or making a decision, you will be left reporting to someone who does.

If you aren't sure whether you are too passive in your approaches or not, check out the following list and see if any describe you.

Passive people..

• Believe their 'fate' is in the hands of others.  They will often use phrases like... "If we were supposed to be together..." or "If it were meant to be..."
• Put too much stock on 'luck' to direct an outcome or drive their success
• Often mistake failure for destiny and therefore don't learn from and push through the failure.  
• Seek approval for even small things, since they are fearful of hurting or upsetting others.  They will therefore often soften their language with phrases like...  "I hope it's alright to tell you", "Would you mind if", "If it's okay with you".  These phrases may sound nice and polite, but it's the frequency you need to be wary of.  Overuse will shift you from nice to `too` nice in an instant.
• Diminish their perceived value by starting their sentences with disclaimers such as... "It's only my opinion...", "I'm no expert...", or the ever popular "I could be wrong..."  People stop listening because you have already told them that you aren't going to share anything worth listening to!
• Avoid taking a stand on issues.  They will highlight that both sides positions have merit, while failing to offer a firm opinion either way.  You can't stand for everything or you will be seen as standing for nothing.
• Are far too deferential.  They will defer their own wants and needs in favour of those of others. This appears as though they place a higher value on others' preferences than their own, which again communicates to others that their wants and needs of little importance.  
• Have broken speech patterns.  They will often speak with a start/stop choppiness to their sentences, with hesitations punctuated by Ums and Uhs.  The lack of a smooth rhythm or flow makes them sound less confident and uncertain of their content.
• Too self critical.  They will tend to use phrases such as "I can never do anything right". Though they may believe that they only say this to themselves (negative self talk), rest assured that the more negative self talk you engage in, the more it unconsciously filters into your public speaking as well.  
• Poor body language.  Passive people will tend to also adopt far more passive body language, avoiding eye contact, engage in minimal gesturing, compress their body down and in, will adopt protectionist stances by holding their arms close to the body or across the abdomen.  

Any of these sound or feel familiar?  In business it is important that we appear confident. Adopting too many passive behaviours will detract from this impression and will prevent us from obtaining the opportunities we desire.  If you are looking to eliminate some of your more Passive behaviours, replacing them with more Assertive approaches, consider using the following 3 step approach.

1. Identify the ways you are passive.  You need to be honest with yourself, or be open to receiving honest feedback from others, and determine what are your most common passive behaviours.  You need to be able to recognise the behaviour if you hope to be able to change it. Video of yourself interacting with others can be an invaluable tool, helping you to hear and see behaviours you might have missed otherwise. 
2. Determine what a more Assertive Behavioural alternative to that Passive behaviour would look like, sound like, feel like.  In step one you identified the behaviour to change. In this step you identify your target.  What are you going to do instead.  For example, if you find that you tend to use the phrase "It's just my opinion" as an opening to giving voice to your thoughts, you might want to target replacing it with "I think...", or "I have found..."  Neither is aggressive, but both clearly position the statement you share as your opinion.  The elimination of the denigrating 'just' from the statement elevates the perceived value of your thought.
3. Put it into action.  I would suggest starting with one behaviour and, when it feels comfortable for you, pick up another.  It is far more difficult trying to change everything at once.  Changing one key behaviour at a time will actually get you there faster.  Additionally, your brain will start to pick up on the unconscious messaging and will ultimately recognise 'where' you are looking to go, making other positive unconscious adjustments for you.

How to Avoid Push-back as you Lean In

With the relatively recent release of Sheryl Sandberg's book Lean In, much has been made of the need for women to advance their careers by learning to lean in to the meeting room table.  This requires women to be more assertive about taking on new responsibilities and opportunities, seeking challenges and taking on more risks. The problem, most posit, is that women don't Lean In enough, that they don't assert themselves and demonstrate the leaderships qualities necessary to get ahead.

As much as I agree that this is an issue for many (women have long unconsciously adopted many behaviours that help them be liked by others that also rob them of leadership presence) there is an equally large barrier for women's advancement that Sandberg fails to give equal airtime to; the Push Back that many women experience when they do Lean In.

When women behave in confident and assertive ways (as a Leader) they often find that they receive Push Back from those around them. Stereotypes still prevail, where women are seen and expected to behave as the nurturers and people-pleasers.  However, Leaning In requires women to behave in ways that may contradict these expectations, behaving in slightly more 'masculine' ways, which isn't as expected and therefore not as accepted.  Thus, they get push-back from others, pushed to once again conform to the stereotypes.

This then forces women to either:

1. Revert to stereotype, Leaning Back, not In 
2. Lean In and preparing for the need to confront the Push Back that will follow, challenging stereotypes and the associated systemic discrimination it creates
3. Learn to walk a tight-rope, balancing precariously between being seen as 'too' Feminine, and thus not strong enough to assume Leadership positions, or 'too' Masculine, and thus get labelled a 'bitch' and ostracized from Leadership roles.

If your goal is to get ahead, then option one does not do it for you since it merely keeps you where you're at. Option two, though a worthy cause, is more likely to help advance the careers of those that follow than it is to provide you with more opportunities.  This is not to say this is not a worthy fight but many of us lack the energy or desire to head off to battle each day.  Option three then is our best bet for getting ahead.  Once we're 'in' power, we can then work to change the systems that kept us down.

The challenge with balancing on that tight-rope successfully is that it is hard.  There are no guide-lines or guide-ropes to help us to remain on our precarious perch.  What works for one woman may not work equally well for another because each of us is unique.  Our physical structure, size, voice and personality all influence how others will see us and therefore shape the behaviours and approaches we need to maintain to allow us to Lean In without the Push Back.  

However, there are some key strategies that all women can adopt that will help as they step out on that tight-rope and begin to navigate their way across.

• Don't confuse Assertiveness with Aggression.  While both may serve to clearly state your position, aggressive behaviour violates the rights/interests/position of others, while assertiveness does not.  Aggressiveness is stereotypically accepted as more of a masculine trait and will therefore tip you off that tightrope while assertiveness helps you to assume that leadership role without alienating others along the way.
• Adopt Gender Neutral management and leadership basics such as Collaboration.  Although many may think of Collaborative behaviour as more feminine in style, don't mistake it for a bid to make everyone your friend.  Collaborative behaviour is inclusive, it seeks to involve others, but it doesn't preclude you from making the final decision.  Collaboration is not Consensus.  You can be both collaborative and decisive.
• Don't Uptalk.  If you want to be seen as a Leader you must sound like a Leader.  Therefore, when giving voice to your thoughts and recommendations you must be able to share them in a straight-forward manner.  Injecting an upward inflection into your voice while delivering your thoughts simply serves to make you sound hesitant and unsure.  You'll sound 'nicer' but you won't sound like the leader you desire.  
• Network with like-minded women.  Learn from the experiences of others, swap strategies, pick up new tips and techniques to try for yourself.  Others are going through the same struggles as you - don't feel that you need to face them on your own!  
• Remind people why you're here and what you bring to the table.  Women can get caught up in making friends and making nice and forget that they need to be constantly positioning themselves. Sitting back and allowing your work to speak for you is not enough to give you the visibility that you need to get ahead.  You need not take on the braggart role, but you do need to learn how to brag. There is a continuum of bragging behaviour at your disposal.  Too far on the left tips you off the tightrope onto the feminine side of behaviour while too far on the right skews you too far to the masculine side.  Adopting a few more self promotional strategies. that are comfortable for you. will help you to stay a little more balanced and help you to gain greater visibility.  

Leaning In is all about getting ahead while the Push-back of others is all about keeping you down.  Learning to navigate the tight-rope between masculine and feminine behaviours is all about getting you ahead without activating anyone's stereotypes.  Leaning In without Push-back from others helps keep you from giving up and pushing back from the table.  After all, you have to be able to stay at the table to one day run the table.