Tip Thursday - Body Language

When listening to an opponent speak pay attention to your body language. Studies have found that when a nonspeaking debater expressed continuous disagreement or disbelief in what their opponent was saying, by frowning, head shaking, mouthing rebuttals... the audience tended to view them as deceptive and the speaker as truthful. Some times speakers will use negative body language in an attempt to sway the audience to their point of view.

Studies like the one above indicate that if you are unaware of your body language you may be inadvertently influencing the perception of your audience - in a less than desirable direction. When listening to others pay close attention to what you may be inadvertently communicating - ensuring that your body language is delivering messages of your choosing!

Tip Thursday - Negotiations

A great little tip comes to us from a top Former FBI Negotiator, Chris Voss. He says that the key to mastering negotiations is to create empathy. Specifically... to get the other party to empathize with your position.

By getting the other party to recognise the position they are putting you in, and its impact, they are far more likely to offer you concessions. The trick to doing this is to use 7 words - "How am I supposed to do that?"

You put the ball back in their court and force them to think about the situation from your perspective. As soon as they do it becomes more difficult for them to hold a firm line on their position. 7 simple little words that can make all the difference to the outcome of your next negotiation.

But That's Not What I Meant!

How often have you caught yourself protesting...  'That's not what I meant'?
How often have you found others misunderstanding, misinterpreting or simply missing your messages? Unfortunately for most of us, a misunderstanding on the part of the audience is most often due to poor communication on the part of the speaker.  Us.

The fault rests on the focus of speakers on the development and delivery of their message, rather than on its receipt.  Most speakers are very content focused, wanting to ensure that the content of the messages they share is accurate and direct. However, they typically fall short on working to ensure that their message delivery systems are aligned with their content. In short, they focus solely on the messages they are delivering with their words and do not take into account the messages being simultaneously delivered through their voice or body.

"More miscommunication and misunderstandings arise simply through a misalignment of messages between 'what' you say and 'how' you say it than any other communication error"

When someone misinterprets your desired message it will most likely be due to a failure on your part to align your spoken words with your non-verbal messages than it will be due to your audience's failure to listen appropriately. Our expectation that others will listen to our words, without our message being influenced by any sub textual messages we are sending, is unrealistic at best and destined for misunderstanding and misinterpretation at worst.

We know that the messages that others receive from us are based 50-95% on our non-verbal messaging, not upon the words we choose to share with them.  At a minimum then half of the messages we deliver to others, in any given situation, are driven by our non-verbal messages. Half.

Now consider how much time you have invested in understanding those messages, in studying what your voice and behaviours are telling people about you, about your content. What are your non-verbal messages doing to heighten your credibility? What are your non-verbals doing to diminish it?

It is not enough for us to 'know' what we are talking about if we cannot get others to understand it, accept it, believe in it or... believe in us. Powerful and successful communicators understand this. Top influencers study this. Those of us that want our messages to be heard and understood need to as well.

In this pursuit audio recordings are your best friend.  With the accessibility to recording devices on every cell phone out there you have no excuse to not record key messages and review them for clarity of communications.  The following are some of the main things you might want to look and listen for...

• Think first of what you are attempting to do with the message you intend to deliver.  Are you trying to explain, persuade, motivate?  The goal of your message will have an impact on the 'how' of your delivery.  Be clear about this before reviewing your recording, providing a measure to review your messages against.
• Pay attention to the speed of your delivery - both voice and body. Neither should appear manic! Too much speed will seem out-of-control and decrease the credibility of both you and your message.  However, if you are looking to motivate and excite your audience your voice and movements should be a little faster than normal, that heightened energy helping to drive them to also feel excited. If your message is more thoughtful or serious then your movements and voice should be slightly slower than is usual for you, providing a little more gravitas, generating a message that you are in control of the situation and affording the audience a little more time to take in the information and process it.
• Ensure that your gestures are sized in proportion to the message and the audience. If you are delivering to smaller audiences your gestures will occur within your own personal space. If speaking to a larger audience then you will have to extend your gestures further for them to be seen. 
• Your voice must project and drive the emotional response that you want from your audience and needs to fit the message you are delivering.  You cannot expect to motivate and inspire the crowd if you sound bored with what you are sharing. Lead and model the response you want them to emulate.
• Pay attention to the direction of your hands. Gesturing up is positive while downward is negative.  Both have their uses but each must support the content. Gesturing downward while attempting to convince your audience that good days are ahead will lead your audience to distrust you and to believe the situation is worse than they thought. 
• Use your eye contact to connect your audience to you and your message. There is no better tool to use, to show you are interested in them (and not just on you and your message,) than connecting with them at a personal level. Your eye contact is a primary tool for doing this.

Watch for the above points while reviewing your video recordings, working to strengthen the alignment between your spoken and unspoken messages.  The closer you come to ensuring they are all saying the same thing, the stronger your messages, the greater your credibility and less often you will find yourself feeling the need to protest 'but... that's not what I meant'!

(and... if you require further direction or support in learning more about your body language and how to use it to greater advantage, just let us know!  That is, after all... what we do!)

Learning to Receive Feedback

When it comes to Feedback, most of the discussion is generally centered around how to deliver your messages.  Equally important however is our ability to receive feedback. We are far more comfortable in hearing 'job well done' but are not likely to grow as far or as fast in our chosen careers if we don't become equally comfortable in hearing and seeking out how we can improve.

Our potential growth is actually a factor of three elements;

1. our ability to ask for feedback, 
2. our openness to receiving the messages and 
3. our willingness to take appropriate action based upon that feedback

Although all of the above are teachable, the barrier to receiving feedback well tends to fall at the juncture between our desire to learn and grow with our desire to also be accepted and respected. Developmental feedback has a perceived negative component to it that leaves us feeling less accepted, less respected and less successful. Wanting to save ourselves some possible pain we then learn to avoid feedback as much as we can. 

Charles Jacobs, in his book Management Rewired: Why Feedback Doesn't Work and Other Supervisory Lessons from Brain Science, shows that when people receive feedback that is counter to their self-image, they are far more likely to change the information they hear than they are to change themselves. In essence we unconsciously massage and edit the information to make it more palatable to us. The problem, of course, is that we then lose the value of the feedback itself and no longer are to act upon the content given.

We all have internalized sensitivities about ourselves, our values, our relationships that feedback can unconsciously 'hit' causing us to become defensive. Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, in their book Thanks for the Feedback, The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, highlight three primary triggers to feedback;

1. Truth Triggers - the challenge to SEE
2. Relationship Triggers - the challenge of WE
3. Identity Triggers - the challenge of ME

Understanding what triggers have been activated by the feedback will help you to not only understand your emotional response to it but gain control over it. The following points will also prove helpful in your bid to become a far better receiver...

Just One Thing.  When asking for feedback ask for just One Thing that you could focus on in the next 30 days to improve.  We can typically only really focus on one negative thing at a time anyway so ask for feedback in a way that allows you to truly focus on improvement rather than becoming overwhelmed by too much perceived negative content. Smaller chunks of feedback gained more frequently is easier to process and work on, advancing you faster.

Listen Fully.  Listen to what is truly being said rather than your internalized interpretation of it. Pay attention to your response, both intellectual and emotional, allowing the message to remain intact and not coloured or influenced by your responses.

Time to Reflect.  The more difficult the message is to hear, the more important it is to allow yourself time to fully absorb the message and to balance it with your beliefs and understanding. Don't feel that you have to say or do anything other than offer your thanks to the giver before you have digested the message fully.

Don't Argue. Don't allow your triggers to take control. Don't defend, don't dismiss and don't denigrate. Simply offer your thanks and then take the time you need to process the information given before choosing an appropriate course of action.

As with any skill, receiving feedback well can be learned. Learning to actively seek our feedback on a regular and timely basis may prove more insightful and helpful to your development and growth than anything else you might do. People are going to be far more specific when delivering feedback immediately following an activity and are going to be far more honest and direct with their comments when they learn that you are open to hearing and gracious in your response.

(for your reference, here are links to the books I mentioned above...)

         

Girls Just Want to Have Fun... Or Do They?

According to a Robert Half International survey, of Vice-Presidents and Personnel Directors at 100 of America's largest corporations, 84% of respondents said they thought that employees with a sense of humour did a better job than those with little or no 'sense of fun'. In a similar survey of CEO's, by Hodge-Cronin & Associates, 98% of respondents stated a definitive preference for job candidates with a good sense of humour.

Great!  Don't we all want to work with people that are positive and upbeat? But wait... research conducted by Connie Glaser (of 'Swim with the Dolphins' fame) showed that CEO's indicated that one of the key qualities they felt prevented women from getting ahead on the job was a LACK of a sense of humour.

So... research is saying that a sense of humour is a requirement for advancement into the senior ranks AND that most CEO's feel that women lack one.

How can this be? When I'm out with a group of my girlfriends for an evening we are often doing 'mascara-checks' on each other after laughing so hard we were crying... and these women are all highly successful business women. It can't just be me that has downright funny female friends... can it?

The catch phrase in my description of my evening out though is that I was out for an evening 'with the girls'. There were no men there. Does this have an impact? Yes, absolutely.

As young girls women are often led to believe that they shouldn't (or can't) tell jokes. Therefore, social conditioning begins working on us, leading us to suppress our sense of humour. Many women, when questioned, say that they will often hold back on the humour at work because it's unladylike or because people won't take them seriously if they are seen as being funny. The third reason often given is that men don't seem to get their jokes!

There are really two parallel issues running here. First, that women tend to hold back on the humour because they work too hard to be taken seriously to jeopardize it for the sake of a laugh and, secondly, that men often don't realize 'when' women are being funny because the humour is feminine, not masculine, in nature.

The challenge for women becomes immediately apparent though when reviewing what the first two surveys described above tell us. Men don't see or appreciate women's humour and therefore women may not be promoted as fast or as far as a result. What then is a woman who wants to be viewed as a professional, and be taken seriously around the boardroom table, to do?

First of all, women need to learn the fine art of tightrope walking. Unfortunately the world of work is still predominantly masculine directed, meaning that the most commonly understood communicative style is male. Therefore it will usually prove easier for a woman to adapt her style to match.* This does not mean abandoning all sense of self in the process but it does mean making some concessions to the male sense of what's funny.

The key strategy? Laugh. Recognise that laughing has less to do with the actual joke telling (lots of men can't tell jokes either) but it has everything to do with building camaraderie and a feeling of connection.

The good news is that because of the strong stereotypical belief that women (as a whole) aren't funny, you don't have to go for the big belly laugh to be seen as having a sense of humour. Even if you aren't great at telling a funny story (personally I never remember the punchline to jokes) relaxing enough to share in someone else's ability to do so, and responding positively to it, will go a long way to helping lighten your perception and profile.



*please note that I said that it is often 'easier' for a woman to adapt her style, not that I agree it is right, fair or just for her to have to do so in an effort to be promoted.  This is a different issue!

Tip Thursday - Body Language

When giving stand up presentations, people are often unsure of what to do with their hands.  Here is where the Clinton Box comes in.  Bill Clinton, back in the 90's, was known for not always using his gestures effectively - and was quickly told to keep his gestures above the waist and below his shoulders. Additionally, for groups of less than 50, his gestures should also not extend very far beyond the width of his shoulders. This is a speaker's 'safe' zone for gesturing. In effect... don't touch anything above your shoulders and certainly nothing below your waist!

Bill went on to be a very polished and effective speaker but the Clinton Box was born from his tendency to gesture 'outside of the box', getting himself into some difficulties with his audience and, in particular, the press.

Tip Thursday - Body Language

An interesting body language 'tell' to watch for is what is called 'Eye Blocking Behaviour'. When

someone rubs their eye or places their hand in front of their eyes, this is often a sign of discomfort, disbelief or disagreement. They are distancing themselves from you or the conversation in general by creating a barrier between you and them.

This behaviour is so hard wired into us that people born blind will cover their eyes when they hear things they don't like. This is a behaviour coming from our unconscious, driven by our limbic brain, so it is a good 'tell' to take note of. Know that if someone is agreeing to help you with something, but are engaging in this behaviour, that they are not very happy about doing it. Either respond to their discomfort by letting them off the hook or ensure that you reward and thank them appropriately for helping you out!

Talk the Journey, Not the Destination

Communications are a tricky thing at the best of times. 

Attempting to integrate technology into our communications serves to influence us in ways that we may not realize. We often hear that our time-starved audiences will not read emails of more than a paragraph, necessitating us being succinct in our written communications. Add in the popularity of texting and twitter and many come to believe that the best messages are those reduced to mere sound bites.

We hear so often that people's time and attention spans are in such short supply that we need to cut our communications to the chase, getting to the point as quickly as possible. I see this often when reviewing client's proposed speeches, where their talking points are more directed and their statements simply a sharing of final thoughts. In essence, people think that addressing the 'time and attention' issues are best given priority and they therefore focus on sharing their conclusions. The problem; shorter is not necessarily better.

What is lacking in people's messages today is a description of the journey. This is where the true meaning and learning in the messages is. What were the ups and downs, the trials, the tribulations? What did you experience that I can learn from? What were the hurdles you overcame that I can relate to? What were the fears you managed, the challenges you faced, the work-arounds you created?

By focusing on shortening the message to avoid 'losing' your audience you have lost the point. You have failed to engage me, connect with me or make me care. The journey is where your audience begins to understand why they should care, why what you have to share matters, why they should listen. People's attention spans may be short, which doesn't mean your messages need to be short but, rather, that they need to matter. Let people know why what you're sharing matters to them.

Instead of focusing on condensing your message into sound bites, focus on delivering your message in a more compelling way. Deliver it in a way that draws your audience in and makes them want to listen.  Beyond ensuring that you highlight what's in it for them, use techniques that capture the minds and hearts of your audience.

• Variability.  Vary your vocal speed, your volume and your inflection to draw your audience in. Switching things up keeps you from sounding monotone. If you sound boring the audience tends to think your content is also.
• Pauses.  Use pauses to help vary your speed but also to punctuate what you are saying. Pause before and after you make important points to ensure your audience is listening fully to the point and has a chance to store it appropriately, helping them to remember it. Use pauses to direct attention to you and what you are saying or to build some anticipation and suspense.
• Gestures. Research clearly shows that speakers who use gestures are viewed more favourably and their content is remembered better. If they like you they will listen and having the audience remember your content is typically the point of giving a speech in the first place.
• Eye Contact. Engage your audience by using your eye contact to connect with them and draw them in. Look at your audience to have them feel part of the conversation. 
• Stories. Use stories, analogies and examples that help make your content more relatable and memorable. Give the audience a mental image they can take away with them that moves them and creates meaning.

People may be being pulled in multiple directions, they may be overloaded and stressed out, but they are far more capable of listening then we give them credit for.  Your job as a speaker is not to shorten and dumb down your messages but to work at your delivery, making it more interesting. Funnily enough, the more interesting you are the more interested your audience will prove to be. 

Tip Thursday - Public Speaking

Using quotes in your speech is a way of reinforcing your ideas using a 'second voice'. This is infinitely more powerful than you simply repeating your key point. Quotes often serve to provide a concise and memorable phrasing of an idea that increases the take-away impact of your speech. If you are going to use a quote though make sure you get the quote right! The source should be a well-known credible expert but try to avoid over-used quotes that everyone knows. Quotes tend to work best in the body of your speech as a way of offering reinforcement to a point you are making. Although you may open your speech with a poignant or powerful quote, I would advise against ending your speech with one. Make the last words your audience hears from you be your own!

Tip Thursday - Body Language

In order to engage someone in more productive conversation, especially on a topic that may be
difficult or challenging, consider where you are going to sit, relative to them.

Sitting directly across from them will feel confrontational, creating more of an 'us' versus 'them' dynamic. Instead, consider sitting on the side of the table that is kitty-corner to them.

This position diminishes the confrontational feel and makes the conversation feel more collaborative. Changing the environment can help change the mood, which may be all that is needed to open the dialogue.

Tip Thursday - Networking

Often, at networking events, people become uncomfortable in knowing how to end one conversation so that they can move into meeting other connections. Consider starting a conversation with an artificial time constraint.

"I need to catch Fred before he leaves, but we haven't had an opportunity to meet yet..." or perhaps...
"I'm on my way out but before I left I wanted to ask you..."

Both options start the conversation in such a way as to imply you have limited time, providing you with a built-in reason to have to cut the conversation short. You have an established 'out'. Smooth, easy, comfortable and natural. Give it a try at your next networking event.

Tip Thursday - Influence

When you are looking to have a serious conversation with someone, a conversation you want them to take seriously, consider holding something 'heavy' when doing so. For instance, a heavy clipboard rather than a single sheet of paper.

The imagery created in the person's mind of carrying something 'heavy' lends more 'weight' and credibility to the seriousness and import of the message you are delivering.

Tip Thursday - Language

Sometimes a small subtle shift in our language is all that is standing in our way. Align your language with your desired positive outcomes - what you DO want - not with the potential downside of the activity.

Instead of... What if they say NO? ask... What if they say YES?
Instead of... What if it doesn't work out? ask... What if it does?

Focusing on what you don't want leaves you building your defenses, leaving you ill-prepared to take advantage of opportunities that arise. Orient your brain to focus on what you do want, to get it working on moving you forward.

Tip Thursday - Body Language

Our shoulders are often overlooked, but are far more expressive than we realize. 

When confident our shoulders are back and squared off, when depressed or even anxious we tend to drop our shoulder downward and even hunch them forward. We may raise them to indicate we don't know, roll them to flirt, shimmy them when dancing, raise one when hesitant, straighten them when showing respect. 

Although the face tends to get most of the focus when it comes to reading body language, don't overlook all of the messages that the shoulders are sending you. When people might be trying to mask what their face is revealing, the shoulders just might be leaking a message you want to hear.

Tip Thursday - Time Management

When we say that 'We don't have time' to do something, it implies that we are overloaded. Not only does this send a signal to others that we are operating at capacity (and therefore should not be considered for that great new project) but it signals to our brains that we are overwhelmed, increasing our feelings of stress.

Instead, replace it with 'It's not my priority'.  The implication with this phrase is that your time, and how you spend it, is a choice. You are currently engaged in those activities of your choosing, that will propel you, your career and life, forward. If you are not happy with the way that things are going for you, then you have complete control over your priorities, and therefore have the time to implement the changes required.

Tip Thursday - Communications

In research, the following is found to be true... that those who talk more are more likely to be perceived as dominant, more competent, intelligent, trustworthy, the Leader. Unfortunately, studies also find that in mixed groups (ie: business meetings) men tend to speak 75% of the time, effectively reducing women's voices around the table. Apparently women's challenges lie not only in getting to the table in the first place, but in establishing a voice around the table as well! Therefore, it is not enough to show up.  If you want to be perceived as a leader you must also learn to speak up!

Tip Thursday - Success

Use your questions wisely. You can use your questions to get the answers you want or... the answers you need.

Using questions simply to confirm your thoughts, beliefs and expectations is a waste and can lead you to believing that there is only one answer... yours. Use your questions to help you to gain more information, new information, different perspectives. Balance this against what you know to determine the best answer.

Successful people recognise that they don't need to have all of the right answers, but they do need to know how to seek them out.

Controlling the Public Speaking Nerves

Statistics show that 3 out of 4 people suffer from public speaking anxiety.  That's a whopping 75% of us that experience nervousness and anxiety whenever we need to get up in front of others and share our thoughts and views.  It's little wonder then that Public Speaking is still the highest ranked fear, topping out above the fear of spiders, heights and even death.

"There are two types of speakers.  Those who get nervous and those who are liars"  Mark Twain

In working to control their nerves most speakers are told to work at calming down, to take deep relaxing breaths, to release the tension from their bodies.  The aim is, of course, to reduce their anxiety.  This is what is known as a Suppression technique, where you are actively working to suppress the emotions that a situation elicits.

However, research conducted by Alison Woods Brooks, professor at Harvard Business School, suggests that working at controlling our nerves may just be the worst thing that we can do. Instead, her studies suggest that we would do better to reframe our anxiety instead.

Anxiety is an aroused emotion.  Our heart beats faster, our Cortisol levels (stress hormone) rise, our bodies prepare to take action.  We perceive a potential threat to ourselves which puts us on the defensive. Anxiety is therefore a negative mindset that reduces our sense of control.  When we attempt to suppress those emotions, by focusing on trying to Calm ourselves, we are asking our brains and bodies to shift to a completely different state, which is an extremely difficult task.

Instead Brooks suggests that we simply reframe the emotions that our anxiety is causing.  Instead of thinking of ourselves as being 'nervous', we need to think of ourselves as 'excited'.  Excitement is also an aroused emotion.  Therefore, physiologically, anxiety and excitement are not so different. The impact of these two emotions on our body is very similar.  However, each carries a different impact upon our brains and perceptions.

While both anxiety and excitement exist because they are reacting to a certain amount of perceived uncertainty, we experience anxiety when facing a perceived threat and experience excitement when facing something we are looking forward to.  In studies where people reframed their performance anxiety as excitement, rather than anxiety, their performance improved. This is called Anxiety Reappraisal.

Studies are now showing that Reappraisal strategies are far more effective than are Suppression strategies.  In Reappraisal strategies you shift your mindset from viewing an emotion eliciting situation in a way that changes its emotional impact on you.

Because both anxiety and excitement experience a very similar physical impact, reframing takes less effort to get the brain to shift than asking it to help calm your nerves.  It is far easier to shift from one charged up emotion to another charge up emotion than to control all of the existing physiological elements required to shift to a different state.

High performance requires energy and drive.  It comes from a more action-oriented focus, which comes from a more energized state.  Rather than looking to tamp down the emotions that comes with an energized state you want to take advantage of them.

Next time that you're hitting the stage or giving that presentation, and are beginning to feel nervous, welcome the emotions it brings and tell yourself that those butterflies you feel are signs of your excitement.  Use those revved up emotions to heighten your performance, to draw your audience in, to create an opportunity mindset.  Reframing your nerves as excitement may be all that's needed for you to finally kick your Public Speaking fears to the curb.

I'm excited for you to give it a try!

Tip Thursday - Public Speaking

When giving a speech, you want to 'Hook' your audience right from the start to get them listening. In order to capture and draw them in, consider using any of the following tried and true 'hooks'; a story, a video or graphic, a belief statement or perhaps a provocative statement, humour. Most people are lazy listeners. You need to let them know, upfront, that you will be worth listening to.

Hook 'em early to keep 'em listening!

Silence is Not Consent

You've all been there, you've all experienced it.  You're in a meeting where you have been discussing a very hotly debated topic for what seems like hours. Finally someone says... 'So we're in agreement on how to move forward?'  There are a couple of vocal yeses, a few half-hearted yeahs, a couple of head nods and a few team members who remain silent.  A couple of weeks later that same team leader is surprised to discover that not everyone is moving forward as 'agreed'.  The team leader is even more surprised when questioning team members who have not taken action and they indicate that they 'never agreed to anything'.

Traditionally silence has been taken to mean that the individual has no objections to give voice to and that they therefore consent. We see this play out within the workplace, within our personal relationships and within society, where a lack of response to an action is taken as a sign of approval.

Silence is not and should never be construed as consent

However, silence can mean different things to different people at different times.  Someone's silence is therefore open for interpretation.  If your definition of silence does not align with mine, we will likely experience some issues.

Silence can mean...

• I agree
• I'm tired of talking about it
• I'm abstaining
• I'm reserving my right to weigh in on the topic later
• I don't agree but want to avoid further discussion or argument
• I can't be bothered discussing this
• I'm not paying attention and didn't hear what you said
• I'm just going to do what I want 

People who are uncomfortable with confrontation are likely to use silence as a means of avoiding any unpleasant discussions. They create 'wiggle room' for themselves through silence.  They aren't in agreement and are likely to go off and do whatever it was they wanted to do in the first place.  Not formally agreeing means to them that they are free to do what they wish.  

Quiet people's silence is typically reflective of the fact that they are still formulating their response. Talkers like to talk it out while Thinkers like to think it out. Quiet people are silent simply because they are not yet prepared to share their thoughts.  Speaking 'now' is on your timetable, not theirs. 

Just because no one's complaining doesn't mean everyone's agreeing!

When it is important to ensure that you have full agreement and support on a given action, it is far better to poll the group members individually.  It may take more time but it is best to ensure that there are no concerns or reservations up front of the implementation.  Addressing issues now prevents them from becoming huge barriers down the road.

Additionally, when asked directly if you are prepared to commit to something, giving voice to your support actually helps you to solidify your commitment. There are numerous studies in Influence that demonstrate the positive impact of gaining that upfront concession from members.  

Silence is not always golden. When you need to gain support on an idea or new initiative, don`t mistake someone`s silence for agreement.  Instead, make a point of asking each contributor directly whether they are in agreement with the tabled proposal. 

As it turns out, silence may mean many things; agreement is only one meaning and rarely the correct one.