Tip Thursday - Body Language

Watch out for the tendency to nod your head with too much frequency - like a Bobblehead. Head nods are often delivered in an effort to appear congenial and likeable, to be seen as supportive of the speaker. However, excessive head nodding can make you appear to be a pushover, like you stand for nothing on your own. Head nods are a great way to appear empathetic and demonstrate you are listening... just don't over-use them!

Tip Thursday - Power of 'Next'

There will always be people that don't like you or your message, opportunities that don't work out, relationships that end.  We can get caught up in the 'why' of it all, such that we become stuck in a negative feedback loop.  We get stuck in the ending.  We can break out of the negativity by simply saying... 'Next'!

Give your time to the people who DO get you and your message, move on to a new, interesting and challenging opportunity, free yourself to enter into a more positive and fulfilling relationship. Shifting your brain into thinking 'Next' moves you from focusing on the ending into starting a new beginning.

Fighting the Fear of Rejection

Sometimes, despite our desire to have certain things in our lives, our fear of being rejected may hold us back.  Interestingly, the Fear of Rejection is often the single biggest obstacle standing between you and success.

Being rejected is one of our deepest fears.  In ancient tribal times survival was dependent upon being part of a group. Therefore, losing the safety of that community typically equated to a death sentence. As a result, we are wired with a desire to belong.  We tend then to engage in behaviours that help us be seen in a positive light, that help us to gain acceptance. We therefore hesitate to take risks and actions that we think may not be viewed as favourably by others.

The issue with this is that our fears are not always 'true'. They are typically only our thoughts or beliefs about what 'might' happen.  Regardless though, they can create a damaging pattern of behaviour and belief that limits and restricts our growth and, ultimately, our success.

Rejection is driven by emotion.  It is not our thoughts themselves that cause us to feel rejected, but how our thoughts make us feel.  Unfortunately, we can generate these feelings without even being rejected; our thoughts of the possibility of being rejected are enough to hold us back.  This possibility is enough to...

• Prevent us from saying 'Yes' to new opportunities.  Fear is designed to save us from danger, to introduce an element of caution when facing new challenges.  This makes sense when we are confronted by a bear but not so much when we are facing a new task, challenge, or opportunity. We have to risk rejection if we want to receive the rewards.
• Lead us to trying to please everyone. In an effort to avoid being rejected by anyone we can go out of our way trying to be everything to everyone. Trying to please everyone is perhaps the best definition of 'impossible' there is.  Additionally, when all our efforts are put toward pleasing others our own wishes and wants will usually get lost in the process. 
• Leave us speechless. The possibility of someone taking exception to what we say leads us to stifle our voice, not sharing our true thoughts and opinions lest someone not agree and reject us as a result. We tend to then assume a much more passive voice, adopting language that will appease others.

In order to step up to the plate and take the action we need, to drive the success we want, we need to be able to Reject of Fear of Rejection.  Yep, stare rejection right in the face and reject it first! Confident people tend to take rejection in stride, assuming it's an expected and natural part of living. We too can learn to do the same.  Try a few of the following tips to help you gain the upper hand in your relationship with rejection...

• Stop 'Awfulizing'.  Stop making things out to be worse than they are.  As you build the projected size of the potential rejection up, you also build your emotional barriers.  Your desire to avoid the possibility increases accordingly. Take the time to think rationally about the worst case scenario, the 'what's the worst that could happen' result and assess its impact on you.  Usually it will not be anywhere nearly as big as you were making it out to be, leaving it to be far more approachable and 'do-able'.
• Focus on your wants, not those of others.  The clearer you are of what you want and need from the opportunity, your career, your life, the less likely you are to allow the opinions of others to stand in your way.  Recognise that often their opinions are more about their fears than they are beliefs about what is possible for you.  Don't allow yourself to become a prisoner of the opinions of others.
• What are you actually afraid of?  This is a key question to ask.  Without it we typically are merging multiple fears into one, increasing our emotional barrier to the situation.  Instead, isolate those fears and deal only with the one which is actually applicable to the challenge you face.  This will immediately make the barrier smaller and more realistic to face, sidestep or jump over.
• Focus on what you want, not what you want to avoid.  The more you build up the benefits of your desired end result the better.  Make the positive gain bigger in your mind than your perceived potential pain of rejection and you will be okay with pushing through.  The bigger the perceived gain versus the perceived pain the more you will accept the risk.
• Use rejection as a growth opportunity.  Most of us could benefit from developing a slightly thicker skin than we currently possess.  We don't need to be made of teflon, but we do need to learn to accept a certain amount of rejection in our lives, pulling from it whatever lessons make sense to us, using it as critical developmental feedback.  Learn what you can from it, do what you can with it... toss the rest away!
• Short list the people to please.  Of course we will want to please some of the people in our lives, we just don't want to get caught up in trying to please all of them.  Consider each situation as unique.  Who is it important to keep happy for that situation?  Your list will shift for each opportunity and challenge you face but, in all situations, You should be at the top of every short list.  

We all want to receive a validation of our value, not a rejection of it.  However, the first person that we should seek out to validate our ideas, opinions and worth is... Us.  The more we belief in ourselves and our cause the greater our protection against the rejection of others.  As the old John Fogerty song Garden Party goes (and feel free to sing the lyric in your head with Ricky Nelson's voice)... 

 'You see, you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself'

Why Being 'Too' Nice can Kill your Career

We grow up being taught to play nice with others.  We're told to be nice or others won't like us. These messages serve to teach us, at an early age, that being nice can gain us social recognition and acceptance. In the name of full disclosure, research does show that being nice can have positive benefits such as...

• boosting your health
• increasing your happiness level
• slowing the aging process
• appearing more attractive to others
• feeling good about ourselves

Given the above, wouldn't we want to be as nice as possible?  As it turns out... no.  As with many other things in life, there is a balance and too much of anything is not always better. It seems that being 'nice' in business is okay. It can help us to be seen as collaborative and supportive of others; to be seen as a positive, caring leader.  However, if we somehow err and skew a little too far on the 'niceness' scale, tipping over into being seen as being 'too' nice... we, and our careers, are likely toast.

If you're 'Nice' you are deemed to be friendly, kind and pleasant.

If you're seen as 'Too Nice' though, you are viewed as being overly accommodating and focused solely on pleasing others. This deferential attitude can, and has, cost many people promotions, without them ever understanding why.

Research into the perils of being seen as being 'too nice' have found that the potential negatives are quite numerous...

• often taken for granted
• viewed as being too 'soft' 
• seen as indecisive
• easily manipulated
• politeness can cost them visibility
• feel exhausted trying to please everyone
• ignore own self interests on behalf of others
• lack a 'position' of their own on issues
• can appear needy and insecure

The implication is that if you are 'too' nice, then you lack the confidence and strength of will to make tough, unpopular decisions.  As a result, careers get stalled.  Leaders are required to give voice to their opinions, to take a stand on issues, to make tough decisions, to push actions forward.  They need to hold others accountable to standards and to provide direction and even discipline when needed. 

The assumption of others though is that if you are 'too nice' you will be unable to fulfill some of the more difficult aspects of a leadership role.  In particular, that you will compromise some of your decisions in favour of maintaining the goodwill of others, that you will shy away from confrontation, that you will be more susceptible to the influence and persuasion of others. 

If you find that you get caught up in wanting others to like you, that you are a little too concerned about what others think, if you are constantly putting your own interests on the back burner, if you describe yourself as the 'peace keeper', or if you are consistently taking actions that don't 'rock the boat', you are likely skewing into the 'too nice' zone.  Many a career has floundered and even been sunk in this zone, in which case it should be avoided at all costs. Try using any of the following to help keep your career on the right track...

• Work on saying 'no' more often
• Actively put some of your needs before others
• Develop your thoughts, strategies and position before seeking the input of others to help you stand firm in the face of conflicting needs
• Learn to interject your thoughts in meetings to gain visibility 
• Stop holding back to be polite
• Adopt more confident body language cues
• Establish your absolutes, lines you absolutely won't let others cross
• Stop agreeing with everyone and everything
• Respect yourself more and expect the same from others

And if you find it too difficult to let go of the need to please others...  maybe the best solution for you is to simply continue to please 'em... just put your name at the top of the list and please yourself first!

Tip Thursday - Success

We can waste a lot of time and effort in trying to please or sell to everyone.  When wondering where to direct your energies, consider the 33% Rule which says that generally, no matter what you do...

33% will like it
33% will hate it
33% won't care

What matters to your success is which group you are catering to. All too often we make the mistake of trying to 'convert' the haters, mostly because we just don't like to not be liked!  Invest your time where there is the greatest potential payoff for you. Play the percentages!

Are you Addicted to the Opinions of Others?

• Are you concerned with what others might be saying about you?
• Do you hesitate to act upon your good ideas in case others don't think it's as good as you do?
• Have you over-leveraged yourself financially (house, cars, trips, clothes... stuff) just to keep up with those around you?
• Do you find yourself agreeing with people even if/when you disagree?
• Do you hesitate to invite people to your house because you feel it's too small, unimpressive, or not in a great neighbourhood?
• Do you not order what you really want for lunch because you're concerned about what your friend might think about your eating habits?
• Do you not take your partner/spouse to a work event with you because you are concerned with what your co-workers might think?
• Do you not pursue a job you would love simply because others might not think it's important enough?

The need for the approval of others can be a very secretive need.  It can influence our decisions without our even being aware that we are making choices based on the reactions of others, not out of a true personal interest.  The need for approval gets conditioned into us from the day we are born and can serve, for many, as their primary source of self esteem.  Somehow the recognition of others adds to our perceived level of self-worth and value.

Let's face it, we all care to some extent, what our family and friends think of us.  This need not be particularly detrimental or undermine our sense of self.  However, the trick is to ensure that we don't come to care so much what others think that it becomes our thoughts.  Becoming addicted to the opinions of others can repress our own expression of who we are and what we truly believe and value.

When we get caught up in trying to please others, to ensure that they think well of us, we become overly accommodating in our attitude.  We engage in many unconscious 'likability' behaviours that signal to others our desire to please them.  However, by trying so hard to accommodate everyone, typically in an attempt to be liked and respected, we actually can appear overly solicitous and even obsequious, becoming a person that no one likes or respects.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do"          Eleanor Roosevelt

In a study conducted by the National Science Foundation, it was found that people have as many as 50,000 thoughts a day.  The sad truth is that people are so caught up in living their lives that they rarely even spare a thought or two for us.  Even if they thought about us ten times a day though, it would still only consume .02% of their daily thought total.  You don't even make a dent.

The real truth therefore, about every worry you have about what people will think of you... is that they aren't thinking of you.  Most people filter their thoughts through their ego.  How important you really are to them, to their lives, goals, wants and needs, will determine how much they likely are going to think of you.  That big list of people that care about your car, your clothes, your house, your job, your sexual orientation, your friends, your education, your hobbies... just got infinitely smaller.

People are always going to have an opinion of you.  People have opinions about people they don't know, which means they will certainly have an opinion about those they do.  And certainly, everyone is entitled to their opinion, whether Right, Wrong or Indifferent.  However, their opinion need not become yours.  You have a right to choose how you respond to it, to Accept it, Reject it, or Ignore it, just as they have the same choices regarding your opinion of them.

People are also going to have an opinion about the choices you make, no matter who you are trying to please, yourself or them.  Sometimes your choices will please many, sometimes your choices will please only a few.  The important measure is whether they are pleasing to you.  What you will find, when you are in your 90's reflecting back on your life is that yours is likely the only opinion that will ultimately matter to you; did you live a life that mattered... to you.

In the immortal words of John Fogerty, in his song 'Garden Party'...

"It's all right now, I learned my lesson well.  You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

And, if you feel compelled to sing that line to yourself over and over, or to imitate Ricky Nelson singing it to you, or adopt it as your mantra... go right ahead. I'll likely be singing it right along with you.  Some might think we're crazy but that's their opinion.

What's yours?
 

Conformity and the Herd

Earlier this week I posted a video on my Titan Training facebook page (go like us to stay in the loop and to check out the video!) that got me thinking.  It was an old candid camera video that was based on some conformity experiments that Solomon Asch had run.  In the video, someone enters an elevator and, as we all do, faces the front.  However, all additional people entering the elevator (all confederates in the experiment) face the back.  It's not long before the poor innocent person conforms and faces the back also.  The confederates then shift position in unison, facing sideways and, you guessed it, the person also shifts to stand sideways.  

Much of Asch's work demonstrated how quickly and readily we conform to the majority of action and of opinion.  In one famous experiment he showed participants the diagram above, asking them to select which of the three lines was the same length as the single line.  Although seemingly a straightforward and relatively obvious choice, many people deliberately gave the 'wrong' answer simply because they believed that the majority of other people had chosen what they viewed to be an 'incorrect' choice.  

This result has been replicated over and over, using different experiments, different target groups of participants and different environments.  You could say that those that conformed were fully aware of their choice, that they went along with the choice of the majority though they 'knew' better, but what if in choosing outwardly to go along with group-think they inwardly and unconsciously began to revise their own perceptions?  Studies have shown that once we make a choice and make it public, we are more prone to then make decisions and take actions that are in support of that view.  

Certainly social conformity serves some helpful and useful functions, but it can be much more insidious than we may be consciously aware, skewing our views of right and wrong, of what is and is not.  In my work with organizations, I get the opportunity to see this in action.  Most organizations have their own culture.  Typically, new employees struggle to 'fit in' to this culture, feeling on the outside of everything until they finally begin to understand how things get done within this new company, and they follow those processes.  Generally, we think of these as simply being basic process rules, outlining how work gets done.  However, it is far more insidious than we often realize.

Just as couples who have been together for a long time begin to 'look' alike simply because they adapt their non-verbal communication patterns to 'match' those of their partner (they often speak in the same rhythm, use similar phrasing, make similar gestures, etc.) so too does it happen within organizations.  In an effort to fit in, new employees will unconsciously adopt mannerisms and speech patterns that they discern in the group.  For example, in one client organization, a majority of their employees all uptalk.  They certainly don't consciously hire for this speech inflection (where the speaker's inflection continuously goes up, sounding as though they are continuously asking questions), but I'm willing to bet that they do.  For those employees that are hired who are not uptalkers... it is likely only a matter of time until they unconsciously begin to adopt it.  In their efforts to fit in and be liked they adopt that habit as their own so that they too can now sound like one of the group.

Although many of these elements, when taken individually, may sound innocent enough, the greater the number and the greater the prevalence, the more dependent upon the group the individual becomes.  

• leaving the organization becomes difficult because they can't seem to find anywhere else that they 'fit' in
• the more you have unconsciously compromised your beliefs and habits to conform to those of others, the more justifications you have developed for doing so.  It proves difficult to break away from these since it requires us to admit that at some point we were 'wrong' in our choice
• often the organization struggles with the need for independent thinking (for growth, to remain competitive) when systemically they don't reward for it.  Those who are able to remain independent of the group often continue to feel as though they don't fit in and leave to find somewhere that they do

The need and desire of many to be liked by others, to fit in, to feel that they belong can be a strong motivator, leading people to make choices and take actions that they may never have previously considered but that become automatic for them within the framework of the norms of their new group.  Hitler's regime was built upon the premise and strength of conformity.  Our existing military forces do the same (though obviously with different intents!)  Religions rely on the power of conformity as do virtually any formal group. Some are more benign, some more cancerous in their impact.

What is important is to realize the extent to which our desire to belong and be liked can, and does, influence our thinking and actions.  We need to be clear about what we truly believe is right and fair and just and learn to weigh our choices against these beliefs.  The greater our level of clarity, the better able we are to fight against the unconscious pushes we receive to act in ways that do not support these beliefs.  It is only through this clarity that we can hope to avoid compromising those areas that matter, to take a stand against those that would have us simply follow the herd.  

Beware the Critics!

Have you ever received 'constructive' feedback that truly wasn't that constructive? Feedback that was more of a critical diatribe than anything practical or useful?

All too often people today are quick to criticize but slow to offer any truly constructive suggestions for improvement. Doing so would mean having spent time thinking about solutions for you and most people just aren't willing to invest the time. Talking about what's wrong, what doesn't work for them, what they don't like is easy. Being clear about what they want instead... well... that takes some thought. Unfortunately, many of your biggest critics don't happen to be the biggest thinkers.

The truth is...if you do something poorly... people will criticize you.
The truth also is... if you do something well... people will criticize you.

Your challenge, of course, is recognizing which critics to pay attention to. True feedback will always come with a clear understanding of not just what was 'wrong', but what is 'better'. Criticism without direction is simply an attack and more likely to stop you dead in your tracks and prevent forward movement then it is to create a course change and spur your momentum.

Additionally, those offering their critical insights often do so from a completely different world view than your own. Any behaviours that deviate from their view of what's 'right' must therefore be 'wrong' and corrected.  Listening to this feedback and making adjustments to your direction as a result of it only serves to take you from your chosen path and shifts you onto theirs. You must be diligent in ensuring that any critics you listen to are those that will serve you in moving further in your desired direction... not theirs.

Criticism that serves you is helpful. Criticism that serves the other party is useless.  It's critical for you to know the difference. Pay close attention to the critic. If they are neither someone you like or respect, that's a good starting point for knowing you should probably ignore their input. Listening to, let alone acting on, anything they have to say will likely prove a waste of your time and talent.

Who are you rooting for?

I'm starting this blog post with a quote from the ever-quotable Seth Godin...

We say we want to root for the underdog, but actually, we want to be seen as rooting for whomever everyone else is rooting for

The need to belong, to feel that we are part of something, is a strong influencer over our behaviour.  Often, following the crowd is 'easier' then taking the time to think something through fully on our own.  We don't have the time (or perhaps the interest) and we therefore go along with everyone else.  It's almost a knee-jerk reaction. 

Perhaps going along with everyone else stems more out of a desire to:

• Avoid confrontation.  We know that others will push back if we don't agree and we just don't want the hassle!
• Be liked.  Let's face it, many of us like to be liked.  We care what others think.  As a result, we go along with the group in an effort to be seen as someone similar, someone that they will perhaps call a friend.
• Not rock the boat.  Taking a stand takes energy.  We have too much on our plate already, we don't particularly care about the issue at hand, or perhaps we just want to strategically curry favour.  In either event, going along with others maintains the status quo, which serves us in the moment.
• Not have to think.  Yep, sometimes it's just this simple... we let others do our thinking for us.

If we do any of the first three items above - deliberately and strategically - I don't take issue with it.  As long as you are consciously making a choice in those responses (that will hopefully net you positive results down the line) then I'm good. Note though, I still expect you to accept the consequences of those choices! 

However, if you are simply operating in default mode, going along with others because you don't want to think for yourself...  then we need to talk!  These are the folks that are less likely to accept any responsibility for their actions.  They will place blame on the others around them before they will ever accept that they too engaged in the same behaviour.   Letting others think for you will lead you to living someone else's life, supporting someone else's values and beliefs.

Rather, we need to ensure we are clear about what is important to us.  By understanding our values and beliefs more fully, we are then able to weigh our decisions and actions against them, choosing those options that work in alignment with our values.  Doing so might not always prove to be the easiest choice, or the most popular choice, but in the long run it will almost always prove to be the choice that allows us to feel best about ourselves. 

Saying no to you might mean that you don't like me much but... if by saying no to you I am living in alignment with my beliefs and values, what's important to me... then I like me just fine and for me, that's more than enough.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Likeability Trap

In general, we all like to be liked.  As a result, we will engage in behaviours, often unconsciously, designed to get our audience to be positively disposed toward us.  Research has shown us that feeling and believing that others like and respect us can be a great source of personal pride.  It can go a long way to helping shape our internal beliefs about ourselves.

Knowing that we're a 'good' person, and believing that others know and see this as well, can be a source of comfort to us when we find ourselves in a conflict with someone else.  It can help us feel good about ourselves, despite someone else's attempt to make us feel bad.

Likeability then, the extent to which we believe we are liked by others, can have a very definite and positive impact upon us.  It can increase our confidence and belief in ourselves and enhance our self esteem.  Research has shown that likeability also has other, perhaps lesser known, benefits.

• a customer's fondness (or liking) of their salesperson will weigh up to twice as much in their purchasing decisions as their regard for the products.  This is the foundation for the emphasis on Relationship-based selling processes.
• creating that likeability bond establishes a presumption of goodwill and friendship through future contacts.  Others will be more favourably disposed to you and will interpret your future behaviours in a more positive and favourable light.
• people that are 'liked' tend to be hired and promoted faster. 

It's all good then, right?  To be successful, our strategy should be to do all that we can to be 'liked' by as many people as possible...right?  Perhaps not.  As with all things in life, it seems that there can even be 'too much of a good thing' when it comes to likeability.  Balance, even here, is the key.

There is a downside to being too likeable, too friendly, too nice.  It seems those individuals that skew too heavily to the right on the the likeability continuum, will undermine their credibility.  They are no longer seen as strong, confident and capable, but instead seem weak, indecisive and a follower.  So much of their behaviour is oriented toward fulfilling the needs and wants of others that 'they' get lost in the process.

This overwhelming need to be liked by others will undermine your sense of self, rather than build it up.  It's not often labelled the 'Disease to Please' for nothing!  People who find that they orient their entire day (if not life) toward the fulfillment of everyone else's needs will likely find their own being sacrificed.  This can lead to feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction and disillusionment.

Unfortunately, they will then typically fall back to the one behaviour that has made them feel good about themselves in the past and do more of it.  Pleasing others!  They work harder to please others and obtain their praise.  The Likeability Trap has now decisively clicked shut around them, catching them up in an endlessly looping cycle of behaviour.

To break out of this spiral of behaviour it is necessary to take a good look at just who you are trying to please and why.  Create a list of people in your life that influence how you think, feel and act.  (For those of you that have a copy of my book - It's Time Now - use The Board of Director's exercise)

Now assess their relative worth and value to you.  Is their influence predominantly positive or negative?  Are they helping move you forward in your life or holding you back?  Our time and energy are limited.  We therefore want to ensure that we narrow down the list of people we are working to please to include only those individuals that you receive a positive benefit from.  There must be an advantage to you for your investment in them!

Positive relationships are not one-sided.  They're reciprocal.  Establish the balance in your life by ensuring that you invest in the relationships that net you a positive return.  The others?  Well... take a lesson from Donald Trump on this one...  Fire 'em!