Tip Thursday - Self Awareness

To be as self aware as possible you must consider two key gaps in your potential understanding. First is the gap that exists between what all there is to know about yourself and what you actually know.

Regardless of how old you are, and all that you have done in your life, there are still untapped skills, latent talents and hidden strengths. To narrow this gap you need to continue to challenge yourself with new activities, new experiences, new learnings. You just might uncover an interest and talent residing in you that opens an exciting new chapter in your life.

The second gap is the one that exists between how you see yourself and how others see you. Through their observation of our behaviours others can become privy to information and  insights about us that we don't have. Seek our feedback, remain open to receiving the insight of others, to narrow this gap and come to understand yourself better.

How well we understand ourselves has a profound impact on our ability to interact with others successfully and is the foundation for growing your Emotional Intelligence. If you want to truly be understood by those around you, you must first work to understand yourself.

Be Your Own BFF

Many of us are prone to self criticism.  We have a strong and often strident inner voice that is only too pleased to tell us why we aren't special, how we have messed up, and why people don't like us.

What is interesting to note though, is that we are typically very generous and loving to others.  We are compassionate, giving, caring, supportive and understanding.  Why is it that we find it so difficult to direct that same kindness and love toward ourselves?

The relationship we have with ourselves is, and will always be, our longest standing relationship.  It should therefore be the most important relationship in our lives, one which we dedicate ourselves to perfecting. Instead of just working to brighten others' days... how about working to brighten your own?

We need to learn to practice more Self Compassion.  While Self Esteem (which seems to get the most press) is all about How we SEE ourselves, Self Compassion is about How we TREAT ourselves.  It seems as though there must be an inextricable link between the two, almost a chicken and egg symbiosis where one feeds the other.  However, self-compassion is a typically overlooked component that proves critical to our mental health and perspective.

According to research conducted by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and Associate Professor in Human Development at the University of Texas, Self-Criticism can lead to not only lower Self Esteem, but Anxiety and Depression. According to Neff, Self Compassion consists of 3 components:

1. Self Kindness - being understanding and gentle with yourself when you are suffering
2. Common Humanity - realizing that you are not alone in your struggles, that others too share in the same struggle
3. Mindfulness - observing life as it truly is, without judgement or critique

If you find that your relationship with - You - could use a little work, that you tend to treat others far better than you treat yourself, then it may be time for you to conduct a little 'relationship overhaul'. 

• Notice how you`re treating yourself.  Consider how you would treat someone you loved and cared about.  Why would you do less for yourself?  Use this as your model, fostering a relationship with yourself that is guided by how you would treat someone you loved.  
• Pay attention to your language.  If you wouldn't ever dream of saying something to someone else, of being that critical of others, why would you ever consider saying it to yourself?  Don't use language with yourself (name calling for example) that you wouldn't use with anyone else. Think of what you say to yourself, then consider what it would sound like to say them out loud in front of others.  If it makes you cringe then it is language you need to change.
• Don't berate your Inner Critic.  Being critical of your critic tends to create an endless loop of behaviour that is challenging to break free of.  Instead of beating your Critic up, thank them for their attempt to help and explain how they are causing you distress.  Spending the time to educate yourself about how the criticism makes you feel, how it is not serving you, opens you to new ways and approaches
• Develop counter statements.  Give your inner voice a new purpose and job. Think of the most common self criticism that you tend to use and hear, and develop counter statements to each. These become your new descriptors.  Recruiting your critic to your personal cheerleading squad redirects their focus in a way that is more positive for you and far easier than trying to fire them!

When people are mistreating us we always have the option of walking away.  We can let go of the toxic relationship and move on to one that serves us better, that builds us up rather than brings us down.  However, we can't walk away from a relationship with ourselves. There is no escaping it. Therefore, it makes sense to invest time and energy into being our own Best Friend. We need to learn to treat ourselves with love, understanding and compassion.  It is often how we treat ourselves that sets the bar for how others treat us.

Show yourself the respect and love that you deserve and expect. The relationship you have with yourself should not just be your longest relationship, it should be your best. Gift yourself with being the Best Friend you want, need and deserve.   

(for those that would like to explore the concept of Self Compassion even further, you might find value in checking out Kristin Neff's book on Self Compassion.  I have provided the link below for a quick reference)

It's Time to Take Notice!

Changes occur, whether in science, in corporations, in life, in ourselves because someone has taken notice of

something and determined to do something about it.  Think about it…

• ·         Scientists are studying and trying to understand the root causes of diseases and are therefore uncovering new ways of treating them
• ·         Technological advances have been made in great leaps because people continued to focus on and experiment with new ideas

The important question then becomes - What are you focusing on?

We have the ability to change virtually anything about ourselves and our lives, but we need to understand what we want to change, why we want to change it and how we plan to go about it.  Many people identify something they would like to have or do, with little thought given to why they aren't currently doing it.  This simple introspective step is the critical key to being successful in changing and maintaining new behaviours.  

Many of us spend our time accumulating knowledge but little time in developing our self awareness.  This lack of understanding of we are and why we choose what we do is often the biggest barrier to our getting what we want  from our lives.  It is our lack of self awareness that prevents us from developing ourselves as fully as we can, or as much as we probably should. 

“We are already the most over-informed, under-reflective people in the history of civilization” Robert Kegan, Lisa Lahey (Harvard-based Psychologists)

True development involves making changes.  It is about transforming the way we think, react and behave. It is our lack of understanding and awareness of how we currently think and behave that is our biggest hurdle to overcome. Most of us work long hours. We are constantly juggling priorities and we rarely feel that we have enough time to devote to what is most important to us. Sadly, many of us are too caught up in simply ‘keeping up’ that we have lost sight of what is truly important to us in our lives. This state of 'busyness' has led us to being less introspective and less self aware.  However, limitations always begin with a lack of awareness.  You don’t (and can't) change what you don’t know needs changing.

• What is the impact on you and on others in your life of the choices you have made?
• What would be the impact in your life of making a different choice?

These are questions we need to explore to accept that we are who and where we are in life because of the choices that we have made.  Our discomfort, dissatisfaction and dissonance is of our own making.  If we want different, we need to choose differently.

We are skilled at self deception however, which allows us to avoid discomfort, to be accepting of  (if not feel good about) what we are doing, what we believe, what we have become.  We therefore avoid taking a more introspective look because we are afraid of what we’ll see.  Learning to pay more attention to our feelings, as we are feeling them and before we start deluding ourselves about how we truly feel, allows us to make more reflective choices about how we want to live our lives. to reflect further on what was really happening when you made that decision.  

If you find yourself feeling as though you need to justify the choices you've made, especially to yourself, you likely are in self-delusion mode.  Instead, use this as a signal to reflect further on what was really taking place when you made that decision, how you really felt about it, what you might have preferred and why you opted out of choosing it.  

To heighten your awareness and to become better at Taking Notice of potential positive areas of change, consider maintaining an Awareness Journal.  Establish a couple of set times each day to use as checkpoints to determine – and record – how you are feeling in that moment. Record what you are doing and how you are truly feeling about the activity. Learning to observe our emotions helps us to learn to become more intentional in our actions.

Fully 95% of our behavior is a habit, whether through our unconscious or in direct response to external stimuli.  We are run far more by our primitive reactionary brains that we like to believe. It is through mindfully and deliberately exploring how we truly feel about the situations we are engaged in, and what our desired outcomes and preferences are, that we can gain more conscious control over our actions, driving our outcomes.  

We will not achieve anything that we are not intentionally focusing on in life.  If we want to lose weight we must focus on making choices and taking actions that will lead us to that end.  If we want to get fit, stop smoking, get a promotion, learn a new skill, or take up a new hobby we need to become more mindful about how we truly feel about the desired outcome, how we feel about the individual choices and actions that will take us there. Are you willing to do what it will take to achieve your desired outcome?

We get what we notice and pay attention to.  What are you focusing on?