The Stories We're Told

Most of us can think back and recall warm moments when we were young, sitting cuddled on a parent's lap while they read to us. As adults we can also remember replaying those same moments with our own children or with beloved nieces or nephews. What is it that we were sharing with these children of ours? Warmth? Love? Caring? A love of books? Perhaps all of these elements. Interestingly, though, we may have also shared more than we intended, especially when it came to shaping the minds and belief systems of our young daughters and nieces.

A 12 year study was conducted of top award-winning children's books. The study was undertaken to review the hidden messages that we inadvertently communicate to our children. The results?

• On average, there was only one female character for every three male characters
• There was only one female 'leader' character to every ten male 'leader' characters
• There were over 100 different occupations that were held by the male characters while there were only 50 different occupations held by the female characters
• The five top female occupations in the children's books?
• Housewife
• Witch
• Dancer
• Singer
• Artist

Other favoured female occupations? You have to know that teacher and princess were in the top ten!

Now, think back to your favourite stories from your childhood. How correct is this study? If you're like most of the women we've spoken to, the above figures are a fairly accurate reflection of the stories they were told when young. Most of the women remember best the stories of Snow White and Cinderella. In each story the female lead character was a victim that needed 'rescuing'. By a prince, no less.

How too did these stories impact the perceptions and expectations of others around us? One female senior executive shared her struggle to 'make it' in the world of engineering.

"What was most interesting to me was not the resistance that I got from the men in my classes or from the work-world. I expected that. It was the resistance that I got from my mother and grandmother. The field that I had chosen for myself just didn't fit with their expectations. They had wanted me to be a teacher. It's funny now though. The aspect of my job that I enjoy the most is coaching and mentoring young women in engineering. Guess I'm teaching after all!"

This is an example of a woman that fought against some of the stories she was told as she grew up. How many of us though still hold many of those stories in our heads, measuring ourselves against them each day? How often do we come up lacking?

Think of our seeming need to express and measure our womanhood by the cleanliness of our homes or the number of after-school activities our children are engaged in. How many of us think we are somehow lacking if we 'fail' to make home-cooked meals for our families, feeling guilt overcome us each time that 'Martha' appears on screen?  After all, baking from scratch is 'A good thing' right?

Whatever happened to telling our daughters about women that struggled to manage raising three kids and hold a full-time job? A woman that might not have managed to have the house perfectly in order, the smell of fresh bread baking when others awoke or a drink in hand for hubby when he came home, but a woman that managed to have a hug and kiss for her kids when she saw them at the end of their school day, despite having gone to work with baby spit-up on her collar, getting yelled at by the boss for something he forgot to do, putting a run in her hose while trying to juggle two sacks of groceries and the dry cleaning out of the car, while mentally wondering what would defrost quickly enough to feed everyone?

Spend a few moments right now thinking about the stories you hold in your head that create images of perfection that just don't fit with life today. I don't mean your life, I mean anyone's life! What ideals are you holding yourself to that leave you feeling like you're always falling short, despite all of your best efforts?

Only by coming to understand what these myths and stories are can we begin to refute their relevance to our lives. Once we acknowledge the stories we're still holding onto and the fallacies they represent can we then recognise and appreciate in ourselves how much we've done and continue to do.

Ultimately, it's up to us, because there is no fairy godmother or knight on a white horse in our world folks. We need to consciously create the standards we're trying to live up to and not be driven by comparisons to some story we were told by others. We need to start telling ourselves better and more realistic stories because I'm willing to bet that even Cinderella had trouble fitting into that damn show after she turned 40!

Changing Your Story - With Two Little Words

When it comes to story-telling, there is much that we can learn from children.  As adults, as soon as a story starts we are already anticipating the end.  Movies and books end.  The credits role, the final page gets turned.  As a result, we tend to think the same of the stories we tell ourselves. 

When we view our life we tend to look at it as a series of stories, each with its own ending.  Strung together those stories comprise the life we have lived and experienced.  However, in viewing our life as a series of stories, each with its own unique ending, we have formed each story as a complete entity unto itself.  We are therefore not in a position to ‘alter’ that story in any way.  The impact of this is that we then leave ourselves helpless in the face of the story.  We are powerless to strengthen the impact of a positive story or to lessen that of a negative one.

Children though offer us a unique perspective.  When telling stories they always want the story to continue.  They start off with a specific story and plot line and when that story has run its course for them, whether in two sentences or twenty, they shift gears with the magical phrase… And Then.  Those two little words allow them to string together two disparate thoughts, to switch gears and shift perspectives. 

With the use of ‘and then’ they are clearly communicating that this one thing happened… and then… this happened!  'And Then' serves to form a continuation, each story a continuation of the one before, forming a seemingly never-ending, interconnected chain.  The story didn’t end. Life didn’t end with the completion of that one story, it continues, it changes, it grows.

Imagine what the impact would be to the stories you tell yourself about you, if you began introducing ‘and then’ to the story line.  Your old negative stories would no longer define you because no longer would your story end with that moment.  Instead, you would acknowledge and own the story but follow it up with ‘and then’. 

·         And then… she decided that she deserved better and ended that relationship in search of better

·         And then… he discovered he was more talented than he had initially thought, opening up the business he had always dreamed of

·         And then… she determined to show them all just how strong a woman could be

·         And then… he put the bottle aside, stood up and stepped into the new life waiting for him

The past will always have an impact upon us.  Our experiences are there to shape us though, not define us.  They need not hold us back and prevent us from living the life we want and deserve.  

From pain can come an appreciation of joy.  From being beaten down by life can come the strength to overcome adversity.  You aren’t defined by the event, you are defined by the story you are telling.  If your past stories no longer serve you don’t allow them to continue to direct your future.  Define what’s next.

Tell your story, pause and think…  And Then?  

Are you Standing In your Story or On it?

Martin has been running his own small home renovations company, on weekends, for the past 5 years.  'I was never any good at math in school.  To be successful in running a business you need to be good at math.  I could never handle that'.  He is finding that demand for his services is far exceeding his ability to deliver, which means he is turning down work.  He would love to make the home-renovations business his full-time occupation but hesitates because...

Sandra struggles to make ends meet.  No matter what she does to try and bring in additional income she never seems to end up with 'more' at the end of the month. She would like to begin to save for her retirement, save for a home of her own or take a vacation trip but can't see her way clear to ever making any of those things happen.  She says... 'I never seem to get ahead.  Even with taking on a part-time job I have more days left than money at the end of each month.  My mother was never good with money, I guess I take after her.'

We all have stories that we tell ourselves, serving as explanations as to 'why' we made the choices we did, 'why' our lives are what they are, 'why' we turned out the way we did.  These stories become our explanations for 'Not'.  Not being what we want, not having what we want, not doing what we want, not achieving what we want.  However, it is the stories that we tell ourselves about our lives that are often our biggest saboteurs to the achievements and success that we seek.

The stories we tell ourselves are simply our version of the facts, making them only one version. However, we hold them as truths, making them an unchangeable constant in our lives.  In doing so they serve to direct and control the actions we are willing, or unwilling, to take. When we allow our story to be our master, to allow our story to direct and control the direction of our lives, we are effectively standing IN our story. When we are standing in our story it becomes the reason why we can't do something, why we can't achieve something.  We get caught up in the cyclical loop of the story and fail to see options for different endings.

Instead, we need to learn to stand ON our story, to use it to propel us forward.  Our story then becomes our platform for change rather than an anchor holding us in place.  When we stand on our story we make it our 'why', allowing it to become the wind that propels us forward. Every story about someone overcoming the odds, every rags to riches story, every example of someone overcoming a disability is an example of someone that chose not to stand IN their story, but to stand ON it.

Stand ON your story, not IN it

Martin broke out of his 'I'm not good enough at math to run a full-time business' story by sitting down and acknowledging that he had been doing just that for the past five years.  He had been successful at handling all of the materials calculations for each project, had been successful in estimating actual project costs to provide customer quotes, had been successful in handling the mathematical calculations necessary to measure and build structurally sound additions.  Although he acknowledged that growing larger he would want to hire a bookkeeper to oversee the day-to-day management of expenses he came to acknowledge that was more a sound business decision than it was a reflection of his shortcomings.

Sandra came to realize that her adoption of the story that she was not good with money came from an ongoing story from her childhood, one that her father shared with her and her mother consistently - that 'women' are no good at handling money.  This was a fairy tale from her early years that she had incorporated into being the story of her life.  It was when she began to challenge this story, and rewrite it, that she found she was far better at managing her funds than she had presumed. Additionally, she found that in rewriting the story that she was no good with money, she opened up new opportunities for herself to make even more.

If you, like Martin and Sandra, find that standing in your story doesn't suit you any more, that you want to stand on your story and experience more in your life, follow these steps to help you move up and onto your stories.

Acknowledge there is a problem/issue

You likely already have a sense of some of the stories you're standing in that are holding you back, but also pay attention to the times you tell yourself - I'm not..., I can't..., I don't....    These phrases likely precede a story and are clearly dis-empowering ones.

Write down your story

Take the time to write down everything you can about your story.  What is its script, where might you have heard it or told it first?  If it has history spend a little time to uncover it.  Sandra's story above clearly had some history that, once she knew it, allowed her to recognise that it was her father's story and need not be hers.  She broke through faster than she might have otherwise by spending a little more time upfront thinking it through.

What does the story mean?

Write down everything that standing in your story means.  In essence you are writing - Because I believe THIS story, I...  What are the things you do as a result of standing in this story?  What are the things you don't do?  Think of the behaviours you engage in, and don't engage in, as a result of standing in this story.  Understanding how it plays out on a daily basis helps us to understand what needs to change.

What are alternative stories?

In order to learn to stand on your story, rather than in it, you need to be able to envision 'different' for yourself.  Brainstorm a few for yourself, opening yourself new possibilities and new ways of thinking and being.

Pick one

Of the new stories you crafted, which is the most desirable?  Consider, If this was true then...  If this story you crafted was your story, what would life look like?  What would the results be?  How would you treat yourself, treat others?  How would you behave?  What actions would you take?

Take a Step

In order to Stand On Your Story you need to use it as a springboard to something else.  Rather than letting it hold us back we want to use it as the fuel to moving forward.  However, all of the planning in the world doesn't take us from where we are if we don't act upon those plans.  Any step, no matter how small, will begin to lift you out of the story you're in, allowing you stand on it and move into a newer, better story.  And... no matter how great that story may be in comparison, if you want to continue to grow you will need to let go of that story to move forward to the next.

When we are busy standing in our story we create a host of reasons around 'why' we can't be or have or do what we want with our lives, which holds us back from uncovering our true potential and worth. The longer we allow that story to live, the more cemented it becomes in our psyche, becoming a truth we take for granted, embedding itself into our very perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. However, when we learn to stand on our stories we stop allowing them to define us. We enter into the possibility of 'more'.  When you do, you help to liberate others to do the same.

It's a Matter of Moments

Our lives are a series of Moments strung together like one bead following another on a cord.  Most
moments in our lives don't stand out and remain indistinguishable from those that preceded it, or even from those that follow.

There are 'those' moments we experience though, that are memorable.  Moments that stand out in our minds, our memories and our hearts.  When we string these moments together, the moments that 'matter', we begin to shape and define our lives.  These are the moments that give meaning to the life we are living and that influence the choices we will make for the life we will live in the future.  Our perspective on what matters therefore, is critical in giving definition to how we view our lives and how we continue to live them.

As much as we typically assume that our memory is nothing but a direct recall of events as they were, it is important to recognise that our memory is driven by our choices.  Our memory of an event is shaped by 'How' we choose to remember an event and even by 'What' we choose to remember about it.  Our interpretation of an event then serves to influence the way we view it and, ultimately, how we remember it...

• as good or bad
• in joy or sorrow
• in pride or shame
• as loss or gain
• in anger or forgiveness
• as experience or failure

It is our choice that shapes the moments we preserve and that, in turn, shape the story of our lives.

If you don't like the story you are telling then choose different moments.  Many of us have inadvertently allowed others to select our moments for us, giving a shape to our stories that doesn't serve us and that we do not want to be defined by.  If so, then it is time to invest in ourselves and spend the time in redefining our lives, by restringing our moments.

Take mental scissors to your string of moments, cutting away those moments that don't serve the 'you' that you know yourself to be, the you that you want to be.  Invest the time to recall moments that support this desired view, moments that are empowering, pride-filled and heart-felt.  Choose moments of joy and triumph, moments of love and giving, but also moments of challenge and adversity, sorrow and loss.  

We learn much about ourselves through how we are tested.  Choose moments in which you dealt with your loss, overcame adversity, pushed further that you thought possible or pulled yourself back up out of despair.  These too are moments to be remembered and treasured.  

String together moments that define the true you, your humour, your strength, your passion, your honour, your sensitivity, your courage, your vulnerability, your tenderness, your openness, your creativity, your curiosity, your weaknesses, your humanity.  String together moments that tell the story of you and wear these moments with pride.

Our lives are a series of moments, strung together.  Choose the moments that matter to you, to define a life that matters... to you.

Authenticity - More than a Buzzword

From 'Authentic' taste to 'Authentic' fit, the word Authentic is fast becoming overused hype.  Our cookies have authentic flavours, our clothing is described as authentic cotton, celebrities are touted to be authentic heroes, authentic athletes, actors and leaders.  The word authentic is quickly becoming so overused that it is in danger of losing all meaning or relevance.

However, as with all buzzwords, it has at its heart an important  message; that we have a desire, if not a need, for truth in our lives.  We're tired of being misled, of products being misrepresented and of people being photo-shopped beyond all reality.  We are looking for truth in advertising and truth in our relationships.  We want the people we interact with to be 'the real deal', to be what they portray.

How difficult can it be for us to be... well... us?

As it turns out, being Authentic is not easy.  We have spent an inordinate amount of our lives learning how to be what others want and expect of us.  Our personal truth does not work for all people and we therefore have learned to hide, hold back or massage our truth in an effort to fit better with the truth of others.  We have invested soheavily in trying to be all things to all people that we have lost touch with our authentic self, our personal truth.

In order to learn to be more Authentic, we must first give ourselves permission to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, to be courageous, to be worthy... just as we are. If learning to be our true selves is the goal, then we must start by believing that it is enough.  If others are not accepting of that then we need to acknowledge  the fault rests in them, not in our truth.  Our truth needn't grow to fit other's expectations of us but, rather, we need to grow enough to learn to fit our truth.

Being Authentic requires daily practice.  It requires us to be more mindful of US.  Who are we really?  What do we want?  What do we like?  What do we dislike?  What are our strengths, our weaknesses, our hopes, our dreams, our inspirations?  The more that we come to know ourselves, the more we can be ourselves.

"You must be the person you have never had the courage to be."  Paulo Coelho

In order to learn to be more authentic we need to try holding ourselves accountable to our truths.  When we find ourselves compromising on our truths we need to question 'why'.  Are we doing it on behalf of someone or something else?  How much do they/it matter to us in comparison to our truths?  If we are willing to compromise our personal truths - are they truly our truths or simply wannabe reflections of the person we think we should be, or want to be, not the true us?  Compromising our truths tells us a good deal about who we really are help us to gain greater clarity.  Sometimes, in practicing our authenticity, we gain greater insight concerning our authentic selves.

Although the word Authentic may be nothing more than a buzzword, taking the time to learn to be more authentic in our relationships and interactions with others may serve to reinforce just what made the concept so buzz-worthy in the first place.

The Mythology of You

We live through events.
We replay those events in our minds.
We talk about our experience of those events.
We remember the events we share with others.

Sounds like a pretty clear cycle and yet, it is this cycle that leads us to create our own Mythology, to shape our personal story.  We all experience 'things' throughout our lives.  Large and small, these experiences help to shape and define us.  But... is it really the 'actual' event shaping us or our interpretation of that event?

We replay events over and over in our minds. The more important they were to us in some way, the more frequent the replaying.  Much like a favourite movie that we pull off the shelf to watch, though we've already seen it a dozen times or more.  With every replay and retelling of our stories though, we reshape the events, morphing our memories into our 'version', the one that fits best for us.  In doing so, we have created our own mythology, our own story of us.

I know that it feels 'real', that it feels as though we are merely telling it 'like it was', but if we were able to put a film-version of the events as they occurred side by side with a film version of our story of it, there would be distinct and clear differences between the reality and our reality.  This is true for everyone.  It's one of the reasons why witnesses to events are so unreliable and why multiple witnesses are often needed to gain a clear picture of what truly occurred.  The actual story needs to get pieced together.

What is important for each of us is not to try to avoid all embellishment, to strip our memories down to the bare bones of 'reality' or 'truth' but, rather, to come to understand the reshaping.  The way in which we morph our memories tells a great deal about us, our needs and what is important to us.

Understanding our mythology, and that of others, is more important than uncovering the 'truth' of the event.  It is enough that it has become our (or their) truth.  Our mythology helps to shape and define our future choices.  It's not important whether it's accurate, only that it's our story, whether we are highlighted as the victim or the hero, the antagonist or protagonist, the come-from-behind Queen, the Lover, the Leader, the Warrior or Peacemaker.  Our Mythology has served to shape the person we are and will continue to mould the person we will become.  We are now as we once imagined ourselves to be.

Don't like the ending that is likely to play out for you?  Start rewriting your story.  As the author of your Mythology, you have control over the telling of your story.  If yours isn't heading toward the ending you desire, get out your metaphorical eraser and get started on the rewrite.

Despite our shared conception that we are rational actors making intelligent decisions based on an accurate view of the world and ourselves, precisely the opposite is true.       Seth Godin

The Art of Being Interesting

If you want people to be interested in you, give them something to be interested in. BE interesting. If you're interesting then you are memorable. When so many other things are competing for the attention of your audience, if something about you is not memorable then you are left lining the bottom of the proverbial bird cage.

Think about your past accomplishments.  Your LIFE accomplishments, not just work.  What have you done that is different or unique from your audience?  What have you experienced that might make them sit up and take notice?  I have had clients that felt there was nothing particularly 'special' about themselves until we started talking about their background.  During these conversations I discovered a client that...

• had once lived in a monastery and trained to be a monk.
• had moved, on their own, from a foreign country to North America, at the age of 17, to live and work.  They did not speak English at the time and had no family here.
• had hiked Mount Kilimanjaro
• had survived a tornado when a child, when their entire house was levelled
• had written a book
• had been attacked by a shark while swimming in the ocean on a vacation
• had built an igloo to live in for a winter camping exercise
• had backpacked throughout Europe as a teenager for a full year
• had travelled through the desert for a month on camelback
• had volunteered for a year in Africa helping to build schools
• had taken in and raised her sister's four children, when her sister and brother-in-law died in a car crash, along with her own five children
• had won numerous cooking contests 
• had completed more than 18 marathons
• had built their existing house from scratch, doing most of the design and building themselves

Are these not things that, if faced with this person, you would want to know more about?  And yet, these people didn't recognise the value of their accomplishments and experiences, downplaying the interest others might have in them.  All too often we make the mistake of assuming that because we have done something, that anyone could have done it.  If your audience hasn't then it's worth the telling.  Here's the kicker... even if your audience has done it, they will likely enjoy hearing about your experiences to compare and contrast them to theirs.  Again...  interesting for them.

In business it is important to differentiate yourself from the crowd.  Certainly, we want and hope that our work will do that for us.  However, we have a wealth of other experiences that, when shared appropriately, can add more depth and breadth to our work accomplishments, helping our audience to understand us more fully and to appreciate our strength, confidence, tenacity, perseverance, commitment, generosity.... in a new and clearer light.

What are your stories?

It's Story Time!

Everyone has a story... what's yours?  No, not the one you tell everyone else, the script that you've practiced and told so often that you don't hear it any more, aren't moved by it any more.  I'm talking about the story  you tell yourself.  The story that defines who you believe yourself to be, the story that has you believing what you're destined to be, to do , to have in life.  Yep... THAT story!

Ideally, we would have a story for ourselves that we love.  A story that casts us as the hero, as someone deserving of love, recognition, success and joy.  However, too many of us experience unhappiness, dissatisfaction and sometimes a feeling of worthlessness.  If this sounds familiar, then it just might be time for you to question the story you're telling yourself!

Change your story, change your life  (Anthony Robbins)

Our sense of dissatisfaction stems out of a gap between how we believe that things should be and how they truly are.  Narrow or eliminate this gap and your level of satisfaction and joy increase proportionally.  You need to shift your story though.  Changing your perception of the shoulds in your life (what you should have, be and do) changes the yardstick by which you measure what you currently are, have and do.  Measuring differently gives you different results!

We have all had difficult challenges to face in our lives.  Life can be tough.  The true challenge for us though rests in finding a way to use and learn from the tough moments and in not allowing ourselves to become lost in them.  Sometimes these tough moments impact our story, in ways we didn't anticipate.  Rather than letting these moments create gaps of disillusionment that we fall into and get swallowed up by, shift the story!

We may not have control over everything that life throws our way, but we always have control over how we choose to respond to those moments.  Every time you choose to find a work-around or to push through those challenges, you strengthen your story and create a stronger plot line for yourself.  The stronger you become and believe yourself to be, the more story possibilities that open themselves to you. 

The end of your story doesn't exist yet.  You can't yet know how your story will end.  You are a writer in the process of creating the story of your life though.  Isn't it time that you took control of your script, rather than letting others write it for you?

The Work...

Sometimes we have lost track of our story, of what we want and believe for ourselves.  To get closer to it...

Think about and identify one aspect of your life that you are currently very happy and satisfied with. 

What is it about this that instills in you a sense of happiness?

What is the aspect of your story that it is fulfilling?

Now...  think about and identify an area of your life in which you feel dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

What is it about this that instills you with that sense of unhappiness?

What is the aspect of your story that it is failing to fulfill?

Generally, we have three options for handling our areas of dissatisfaction.  We can...

1. Blame someone/something else - which drives our feelings of victimization
2. Do nothing - which heightens our sense of dissatisfaction and helplessness
3. Change our story and take a different path, gaining control over our lives and our satisfaction

What actions will you take?  Recraft, rewrite your story to better support those new actions and direction.  Given a choice, I will always want my personal life story to end with... and she lived happily ever after.  Why would I ever want to settle for less?