Choose Your Mood

How often have we sought to excuse our behaviour with the explanation of "Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a mood today', as though we had no option?

Being 'in' a mood implies that the mood itself has control over our behaviours and actions. Think about how often people will allow a 'mood' to determine the course of their day, colouring the nature of all their interactions. Telling ourselves that we're happy, sad, tired, depressed, angry, frustrated... becomes the glasses through which we view the remainder of our day. We allow our 'mood' to have free reign over our feelings and behaviours.

However, we create our reality with our thoughts. Unfortunately, roughly 80% of most people's thoughts are negative. Given that we typically have between 35,000 and 90,000 thoughts a day we can be priming our beliefs with a lot of negative messaging.

We know that we are mentally wired into what science refers to as a Negativity Bias. This bias served us well when we were primitives seeking only to survive, when every rustle in the bushes was likely to be something trying to eat us. We needed the negativity bias to keep us on the defensive. However, it does not serve us nearly as well today.

Our negative thoughts take only 90 seconds to travel through our brains and trigger a physiological response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, and Adrenaline, the fight or flight hormone, get released into our systems causing us now to physically experience a reaction to the negative thought resulting is us now 'feeling' as bad as we thought we would. What's important to note though is that it was our thoughts that drove the response; we did indeed create our reality with our thoughts.

If so, then could we not learn to think differently? Respond differently? Choose different?

Life is nothing if not all about choices. We choose what to eat, what to wear, what to drive, where to live. But we also choose how to react to situations. We choose how we let others affect us. We choose to be in a good or a bad mood. We can choose to be controlled by our moods or to instead control our moods. Rather than being controlled by our moods we need to recast them into something we need, something we can use, something that serves us.

Start each day by setting a firm intention for how you will approach that day, allowing it to seep into your unconscious mind. Drive the attitude and mood you want to experience. Your brain will react to the thoughts you implant the same as they would an unconscious one. Use your conscious mind to override your negative biases and programming by driving what you want to experience each day.

Given a choice I would always want to choose happy over sad, energetic over tired, strong over weak, empowered over ineffectual. Your choices are your own, of course, but if choosing differently than this you might want to question why.

The level of success you enjoy will ultimately be determined by the choices you make.

The Danger of 'I Get It' Thinking

Let's perhaps start by defining terms. 'I Get It' thinking, often synonymous with 'I Know It', occurs

when we immediately decide that we already know about or understand a concept or situation that someone is describing. I'm sure there is no one reading this that has not experienced this thinking at some point. The danger in doing so is proportional to both the frequency with which we employ this thought and also the importance of the situation in which we apply it.

Each time we believe we already 'get' a particular concept or situation, we are telling ourselves we already know what there is to know. We shut ourselves off from listening to or picking up any new information on the subject.  We therefore end up ignoring or overlooking deeper insights or even new opportunities or perspectives. As soon as we believe that we 'get it', we don't explore the subject any further, which may seriously restrict the quality of the decisions that we make.

I see this often in training sessions, where participants have pre-determined that they already 'get' the subject we're discussing, that they know all that they need. They have closed off their minds before entering the room and therefore leave the session with no further insights or advancement in their thoughts on the subject. Their parting comment that the past hours were a waste of their time is accurate.  Indeed, they learned nothing, but not because there was nothing for them to learn. Had they not believed they already 'got it', they would have been able to pick up a few more insights, gained a little more depth to their current understanding, or even come to understand where they might support other team members with their advanced understanding.

The 'I Get It' syndrome is insidious and can creep in at any level.  Corporations that believe they 'get' the market, future trends, the continual demand for their products or services will make decisions based on those thoughts but may fail to continue to check their understanding and miss shifts and nuances that cost them opportunities.  Companies that get locked into the belief that they 'get' their business either come to learn that it is a constantly evolving understanding or they become defunct.

Individuals aren't any different. When we believe that we 'Get It' we close ourselves off from learning more or from being open to accepting alternative views. We then make decisions based on inaccurate or limited data which clearly will have an impact on the quality of the decisions we make, whether personally or professionally. For unimportant issues this is likely fine. It's the important decisions that will suffer and that will cost us.

The easiest way to combat the 'I Get It' Syndrome is to question everything. Question your preconceived notions about how things work and about why they work. Question what you know about your business, about the market, customers needs, about what's not working and why. Some of the most successful business leaders of all time used this technique to great advantage. Challenging assumptions and beliefs opened them to exploring 'new' possibilities.

Ask... 'If this weren't true, then what?

The more important your decision, the more important the need to suspend your 'I get it' thinking. Listen, Question, Learn. The more open you can remain, the broader your insights and the better the decision. Better quality decisions lead to greater success and opportunities. A nice price to pay for not 'getting it' quite as often.

You Have More Free Time than you Think!

Perhaps one of the biggest complaints I hear from clients is that they 'have no time' and that it is this decided 'lack of time' that is preventing them from exercising, eating right, taking on new projects, moving up, moving out, moving on. The ready excuse for being unable to take on anything else is that they simply don't have the time to get it done.

However, according to Sociologist John Robinson, a professor at the University of Maryland and Director of the Americans' Use of Time Project, most people have around 40 hours of free time per week.  40 hours.  It tends to beg the question - How are you using yours?

It seems that the Centre for Time Use Research, at the University of Oxford in the UK, has collected the largest and most detailed time studies, covering over 50 years, 850,000 people and 30 countries. The data they have mined from this is helping to gain perspective on the widespread perception that life today is far more hectic and busy than it has ever been.  However, the time diaries tell a different story, highlighting that 'actual' hours of work have not changed substantially from the 1980's.

Why then do we all feel so time-pressed?  It seems that there are a couple of consistent reasons, most notably...

• That we are all heavily influenced by the current sociological impact of the perceived need to be seen as 'being busy', that our busy-ness is an indicator of our Success.
• That time studies show that what we think we are doing and what we are actually doing are two very different things and, as a result, most people tend to over-estimate their work hours by 5-10% (in the US).  Therefore we 'feel' like we are working more hours, and thereby have less available free time, than we actually do.
• That watching television is taking up more than 50% of people's free time but we tend to significantly under-estimate viewing time due to its perceived 'unproductive' nature.
• That we are sleeping more than we used to.  It is found that the average American sleeps 8.75 hours per day.  However, people tend to admit to sleeping less than they do because it says that they are 'busy' to others.  

It has been found that there are, in fact, two groups of individuals that are working harder than ever...

• Single working parents
• Well educated professionals with young children

Interestingly, it is this second group, the time-squeezed professionals, that are having the largest impact on the perception that we are all time-starved.  This group contains the academics who study time and the journalists who write about it!  They therefore give greater voice to the issue than it actually merits, simply due to its relevance to their personal challenges.

If you are looking to utilize your free time more strategically, or at least to free up some time to devote to a new activity or hobby, there are some key steps you can take to reclaim some of yours.

1. Undergo your own Time Study.  In order to `find` time you need to understand where your time is currently spent and, in particular, where it is wasted.  Keeping a time diary or activity log will help you to gain some perspective on how much time you are currently investing in various activities and allow you to make deliberate and strategic decisions on where to redirect it.  Knowing that we tend to over-estimate the time spent on work and under-estimate time spent on leisure, it is important to gain some accurate perspective on where your time goes. You can use a free online tool (perhaps Toggl), set up your own Excel spreadsheet or simply create a chart and record what activity you are engaged in every 15 minutes.  Most experts agree that you should complete this for an entire week and then view the results.  
2. Gain clarity about how you would like to spend your leisure.  What are the activities you would like to engage in?  What do you want more free time to do?  Establishing some priorities will help you to make better decisions about what leisure activities to reduce to provide time to direct toward new ones. You will find that it will come down to wanting to do something 'more' than the thing you are currently doing.  Establish those priorities before viewing the time study results so that you can better challenge your existing free time usage.
3. Address your Time Confetti.  We all have these short little blocks of free time over the course of our day and week that don't seem very productive.  On their own they aren't nearly long enough to get anything of substance accomplished and they are therefore wasted.  This is like those small blocks of space on your computer that prevent it from operating optimally.  You need to defrag your PC periodically to free up that space.  In essence you are doing the same thing, identifying those small chunks of time and becoming more deliberate about how they can be used.  I always have a file of reading with me that allows me to get 'caught up' on background research I'm conducting during any of my time-confetti moments.
4. Consolidate/Chunk your activities.  Activities like 'errands' should be chunked together so that they get done all at once.  This takes less time overall and eliminates some of those 'confetti' holes that might exist in your schedule otherwise.
5. Reduce your TV time.  Most people conducting time-studies discover that a significant portion of their leisure time is taken up by watching television.  Reducing your time spent here can free up a significant amount of time that you could devote to other activities, but it needs to become a conscious choice.  Much time watching television is simply 'filler', surfing around or watching something by default.  Know what you want to watch and watch that, without the need to watch the shows occurring before or after.  Consider also that there may be activities you want to include into your schedule that you could do while catching up on your favourite shows, thus applying the same time to two activities rather than just the one. 

Our time is one of our most precious resources.  How you choose to spend yours (and it is always a choice!) will have a significant impact on what you experience within and get out of your life. 

Where is Your Moral Compass Pointing?

We each have our own Moral Compass, our own set of values, rules and practices that guide our decision making.  Most decisions we make each day don't require a directional check, but there are those big decisions that come along, those decisions made in moments of risk, danger and uncertainty, that define and highlight our true character.  It is in these moments that we truly see where our Moral Compass is pointing.

In order to live together successfully, we humans have created fairly intricate systems of shared values, delineating between what is considered to be 'right' and 'wrong'.  These systems are built upon formal systems of governance (laws and legislation) but also more informal social, religious and familial beliefs that govern our behaviour.  Despite this though, we each hold within us our own personal compass that helps direct our actions and choices.  It is relatively easy for us to make the 'right' choices and decisions in the easy times, but it is more challenging for us to sometimes determine what the 'right' decisions are in more difficult and complicated situations.  It's in these moments that we rely upon our compass to guide us.

"Who are you when no one's looking?"

Generally, we tend to only consider the effectiveness of our Moral Compass when we have lost our bearings, when we find that we have made poor ethical decisions.  We therefore struggle with finding and resetting our Compass as a means of finding our way back from or out of the situation that poor decisions and choices have put us in.

 It makes far more sense though to ensure that we have clarity over our values, over what defines 'right' and 'wrong' for us, long before we find ourselves needing them.  Keeping our compass dusted off and within easy reach will make those difficult decisions clearer.  They may not always prove to be the 'easy' choice, but they should always be the clearer choice.  Research supports this, finding that those with a clear, conscious set of values and morals tend to make more honest and ethical choices, even when no one would know otherwise.

Just how can we strengthen our ethical muscles and get our compass working?  Consider any of the following...

Listen to your Inner Voice.

We all have an inner voice that highlights right from wrong for us.  It speaks up and tells us when it doesn't think something is a good idea, but we tend to downplay it.  We need to learn to listen to that voice though, to lend credence to our 'gut' reactions.  These instinctive reactions to people and situations are still hardwired into our brains from generations ago when poor decisions likely meant the difference between life and death.  However, we tend to rationalize away these feelings, overlaying the 'voice' with 'reasons' why it is wrong or why you should do other than it is saying.  The voice is there for a reason and is likely more in touch with your morals than you are in that moment.  Listen.

Don't be a Lemming.

Just because others around you are doing 'it', it does not justify your following suit.  Others engaging in behaviour you know to be wrong does not magically make it right.  Follow your compass direction, not someone else's!

Don't Rush.

When face with an ethical dilemma take the time you need to make a decision you're going to be comfortable living with.  If someone is pressuring you to make a decision NOW, flags should raise and your brakes should go on. They are likely pressuring you to do something they know to be wrong but are pushing you to decide before you too determine it would be a poor choice.

How would you feel if everyone knew?

If you are horrified by the thought of anyone knowing about a particular choice, then it likely isn't a choice that fits well with your morals and values.  If you don't want anyone to 'know' then it is extremely likely that you are crossing a moral line somewhere in that decision.

Consider your Reputation and Resume

Our reputation is built upon the actions we take, the decisions we make.  If the choices you are making are not ones you would want highlighted on your resume then you are likely doing serious damage to your reputation and employability.

All of our decisions have an impact;  upon others and upon ourselves.  Having a strong moral compass simply means that we have clarity over what is important to us.  Using this as criteria in our decision making allows us to ensure we make decisions we will feel more comfortable living with, providing us with fewer regrets down the road.

Are you Addicted to the Opinions of Others?

• Are you concerned with what others might be saying about you?
• Do you hesitate to act upon your good ideas in case others don't think it's as good as you do?
• Have you over-leveraged yourself financially (house, cars, trips, clothes... stuff) just to keep up with those around you?
• Do you find yourself agreeing with people even if/when you disagree?
• Do you hesitate to invite people to your house because you feel it's too small, unimpressive, or not in a great neighbourhood?
• Do you not order what you really want for lunch because you're concerned about what your friend might think about your eating habits?
• Do you not take your partner/spouse to a work event with you because you are concerned with what your co-workers might think?
• Do you not pursue a job you would love simply because others might not think it's important enough?

The need for the approval of others can be a very secretive need.  It can influence our decisions without our even being aware that we are making choices based on the reactions of others, not out of a true personal interest.  The need for approval gets conditioned into us from the day we are born and can serve, for many, as their primary source of self esteem.  Somehow the recognition of others adds to our perceived level of self-worth and value.

Let's face it, we all care to some extent, what our family and friends think of us.  This need not be particularly detrimental or undermine our sense of self.  However, the trick is to ensure that we don't come to care so much what others think that it becomes our thoughts.  Becoming addicted to the opinions of others can repress our own expression of who we are and what we truly believe and value.

When we get caught up in trying to please others, to ensure that they think well of us, we become overly accommodating in our attitude.  We engage in many unconscious 'likability' behaviours that signal to others our desire to please them.  However, by trying so hard to accommodate everyone, typically in an attempt to be liked and respected, we actually can appear overly solicitous and even obsequious, becoming a person that no one likes or respects.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do"          Eleanor Roosevelt

In a study conducted by the National Science Foundation, it was found that people have as many as 50,000 thoughts a day.  The sad truth is that people are so caught up in living their lives that they rarely even spare a thought or two for us.  Even if they thought about us ten times a day though, it would still only consume .02% of their daily thought total.  You don't even make a dent.

The real truth therefore, about every worry you have about what people will think of you... is that they aren't thinking of you.  Most people filter their thoughts through their ego.  How important you really are to them, to their lives, goals, wants and needs, will determine how much they likely are going to think of you.  That big list of people that care about your car, your clothes, your house, your job, your sexual orientation, your friends, your education, your hobbies... just got infinitely smaller.

People are always going to have an opinion of you.  People have opinions about people they don't know, which means they will certainly have an opinion about those they do.  And certainly, everyone is entitled to their opinion, whether Right, Wrong or Indifferent.  However, their opinion need not become yours.  You have a right to choose how you respond to it, to Accept it, Reject it, or Ignore it, just as they have the same choices regarding your opinion of them.

People are also going to have an opinion about the choices you make, no matter who you are trying to please, yourself or them.  Sometimes your choices will please many, sometimes your choices will please only a few.  The important measure is whether they are pleasing to you.  What you will find, when you are in your 90's reflecting back on your life is that yours is likely the only opinion that will ultimately matter to you; did you live a life that mattered... to you.

In the immortal words of John Fogerty, in his song 'Garden Party'...

"It's all right now, I learned my lesson well.  You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself"

And, if you feel compelled to sing that line to yourself over and over, or to imitate Ricky Nelson singing it to you, or adopt it as your mantra... go right ahead. I'll likely be singing it right along with you.  Some might think we're crazy but that's their opinion.

What's yours?
 

It's Time to Take Notice!

Changes occur, whether in science, in corporations, in life, in ourselves because someone has taken notice of

something and determined to do something about it.  Think about it…

• ·         Scientists are studying and trying to understand the root causes of diseases and are therefore uncovering new ways of treating them
• ·         Technological advances have been made in great leaps because people continued to focus on and experiment with new ideas

The important question then becomes - What are you focusing on?

We have the ability to change virtually anything about ourselves and our lives, but we need to understand what we want to change, why we want to change it and how we plan to go about it.  Many people identify something they would like to have or do, with little thought given to why they aren't currently doing it.  This simple introspective step is the critical key to being successful in changing and maintaining new behaviours.  

Many of us spend our time accumulating knowledge but little time in developing our self awareness.  This lack of understanding of we are and why we choose what we do is often the biggest barrier to our getting what we want  from our lives.  It is our lack of self awareness that prevents us from developing ourselves as fully as we can, or as much as we probably should. 

“We are already the most over-informed, under-reflective people in the history of civilization” Robert Kegan, Lisa Lahey (Harvard-based Psychologists)

True development involves making changes.  It is about transforming the way we think, react and behave. It is our lack of understanding and awareness of how we currently think and behave that is our biggest hurdle to overcome. Most of us work long hours. We are constantly juggling priorities and we rarely feel that we have enough time to devote to what is most important to us. Sadly, many of us are too caught up in simply ‘keeping up’ that we have lost sight of what is truly important to us in our lives. This state of 'busyness' has led us to being less introspective and less self aware.  However, limitations always begin with a lack of awareness.  You don’t (and can't) change what you don’t know needs changing.

• What is the impact on you and on others in your life of the choices you have made?
• What would be the impact in your life of making a different choice?

These are questions we need to explore to accept that we are who and where we are in life because of the choices that we have made.  Our discomfort, dissatisfaction and dissonance is of our own making.  If we want different, we need to choose differently.

We are skilled at self deception however, which allows us to avoid discomfort, to be accepting of  (if not feel good about) what we are doing, what we believe, what we have become.  We therefore avoid taking a more introspective look because we are afraid of what we’ll see.  Learning to pay more attention to our feelings, as we are feeling them and before we start deluding ourselves about how we truly feel, allows us to make more reflective choices about how we want to live our lives. to reflect further on what was really happening when you made that decision.  

If you find yourself feeling as though you need to justify the choices you've made, especially to yourself, you likely are in self-delusion mode.  Instead, use this as a signal to reflect further on what was really taking place when you made that decision, how you really felt about it, what you might have preferred and why you opted out of choosing it.  

To heighten your awareness and to become better at Taking Notice of potential positive areas of change, consider maintaining an Awareness Journal.  Establish a couple of set times each day to use as checkpoints to determine – and record – how you are feeling in that moment. Record what you are doing and how you are truly feeling about the activity. Learning to observe our emotions helps us to learn to become more intentional in our actions.

Fully 95% of our behavior is a habit, whether through our unconscious or in direct response to external stimuli.  We are run far more by our primitive reactionary brains that we like to believe. It is through mindfully and deliberately exploring how we truly feel about the situations we are engaged in, and what our desired outcomes and preferences are, that we can gain more conscious control over our actions, driving our outcomes.  

We will not achieve anything that we are not intentionally focusing on in life.  If we want to lose weight we must focus on making choices and taking actions that will lead us to that end.  If we want to get fit, stop smoking, get a promotion, learn a new skill, or take up a new hobby we need to become more mindful about how we truly feel about the desired outcome, how we feel about the individual choices and actions that will take us there. Are you willing to do what it will take to achieve your desired outcome?

We get what we notice and pay attention to.  What are you focusing on?

7 Ways to Become more Decisive

Not everyone is born decisive, able to make choices in life with little input of information or opinions from others.  Some...

• agonize over the details
• lose sleep over the potential impact of each alternative
• get caught up in the analysis of the issues

and... lose time and energy to the process.  As a result, decisions get put off.  Sometimes this is a good thing while at other times it comes with a cost.

It's a fact that some habits come more easily to some of us than others.  We may find ourselves struggling to do something that seems to come naturally for others.  (those of you that can virtuously look at anything chocolate and say NO for instance!) However, there are ways and means for the rest of us to improve upon our more natural inclinations.  When it comes to Decisions, try using the following ideas to help you become more decisive in your life.

1. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.  We all have a limited amount of willpower each day.  Drawing upon yours for things that don't matter depletes it.  Over the course of the day, it can serve to exhaust your reservoirs, leaving you short for the bigger decisions that are sure to follow. Save your energy and focus on the bigger issues, reserving your mental resources for those. When we allow ourselves to get  distracted by the little things we tend to lose sight of what is truly important to us and then get completely immobilized by anything bigger that hits our plate. Learning to let the smaller stuff go leaves you better prepared to face those larger issues more quickly and decisively.
2. Will this Matter a Year from Now?  Let's face it, it is going to be far easier to say don't sweat the small stuff than it is to actually let go of things.  To help you determine 'what' to let go of sooner ask yourself... Will this matter a year from now?  If it won't, let it go.  If it isn't something that is going to have a long-term impact on your life, then it isn't a decision that should be taking up a lot of your brain space.
3. Know Your Values.  Be clear about what is important to you.  Decisions are easier to make when you have something to measure them against.  If you are clear about your values then you can evaluate your decisions by determining which choice best supports your values and choose it.  As Roy Disney once said... "When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier".
4. Use your Back Burner.  Not all of our decisions require our full attention NOW!  Shift some of your decisions to your back burner, allowing your unconscious mind to begin putting together facts and data, forming your decision for you.  Not every decision is urgent and requires an immediate response.  When it is not critical that you decide right away, allow your back burner to work for you while you focus on those issues simmering away on the front burner of your brain.   
5. Give your Gut some Credit.  Sometimes, when faced with indecision, you should just go with your gut.  Your unconscious mind speaks to you through your gut.  You may not know why you are feeling what you are but if it is a strong feeling, and you need to make a decision now, go with your gut and figure it out later.  Our unconscious mind often knows things before our conscious mind is able to make sense of it.  If you must make a decision before the conscious brain has figured things out - go with your gut.
6. Use a Decision Matrix.  You can use a structured approach to some of your decisions, though I suggest pulling out the matrix for the big ones you face, not when trying to decide what you want for breakfast!  For this you evaluate your decision choices against key criteria you have pre-established.  The criteria should include anything that is important to you, but likely is a list containing all your top values, major goals, family, physical, spiritual, emotional impacts, etc. Assign a value from 1-10 for each criteria, for each decision option, indicating how well each option meets/fulfills that criteria, 1 being not at all and 10 being fully.  Add up the scores, for each decision option, across all the criteria you established.  Highest score typically indicates your best option.
7. Flip a coin. Yes, some people make their decisions this way, allowing fate to decide for them. This is not what I am suggesting however.  To gain insight from the coin toss proceed as you would normally, assigning each option to either head or tails and then toss the coin in the air.  Pay attention to what you are hoping the outcome will be, before the coin lands.  Typically our thoughts, while the coin is in the air, will reveal to us what our preferred decision is.  

Live Without Regret: Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

How would you choose to live today - if you knew you only had 6 months to live?

Pretty powerful question, isn't it?  However, despite it perhaps being a somewhat morbid thought, we are all dying.  We likely have significantly longer than 6 months, but our time here is limited and, therefore, so too are the experiences that we can choose to fill our time with.

Are you filling your time with experiences that are meaningful and fulfilling?  Will you be in a position to look back on your life with few, if any, regrets?

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said, Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'                             

 (Tim McGraw lyrics - Live Like You Were Dying)

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent a number of years working in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.  She began a blog recording her patients thoughts as they reflected back on their lives and ultimately wrote a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.  She found that there were strong and consistent themes that surfaced repeatedly.

1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

All too often we get caught up in worrying about what others might say or think that we hold ourselves back from doing what we dream of.  We don't dance in the rain, we don't sing with the windows open, we don't laugh out loud.  We live a life of unfulfilled dreams.

What would you do if you weren't worried what others would say?

2.  I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Almost every man Bronnie nursed expressed this regret, of having spent so much of their lives caught up in a race not of their making.  Only you can determine whether your work is fulfilling all of your dreams or not, but it is worth taking the time to assess it's true value to you.

What is working hard giving to you and what is the cost?  Is it worth it?

3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

We often suppress our feelings in order to maintain peace in our relationships and sometimes as a means of avoiding getting hurt.  However, many of us experience stress and illness because of unexpressed and unresolved feelings and, sometimes, we miss out on positive relationships and levels of intimacy because we withhold our feelings.

What feelings are you failing to give voice to that are serving to limit the life you live and the 'you' that you could become?

4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

This is a big one for many people in today's world of never-changing 'busyness'.  We get so caught in the 'doing' of activities that we fail to give our friendships the time and effort they deserve and need to truly flourish.

What friendships have you let slide and what can you do now to reconnect and rekindle them?

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

It is surprising how many feel that happiness is something that happens to them rather than recognising that happiness is a choice.  Old habits and patterns may leave us stuck in our comfort zone rather than pursuing new activities, people and experiences that would open us to the happiness we seek.  Happiness, it seems, is a matter of perspective, of seeing something as an opportunity rather than as a setback.

What steps could you take to reframe the way you are viewing negative or limiting circumstances to free you to feeling happier about your life and options?

Although the fear of dying is pretty universal, thinking about our death should serve not to limit or restrict us, but to motivate us to live our lives more proactively, purposefully and passionately.  Consider this...

What's your greatest regret in life so far... and what will you do NOW to change it?

And... for those of you that have not yet had the pleasure of listening to Tim McGraw's song - Live Like You Were Dying...  do yourself a favor and take a moment now, or you'll regret it!

Eliminating 'Forever' Thinking

I'm going to work here forever.

We're going to be married forever.

This will be my career forever.

I am going to live in this house forever.

We will be friends forever.

We've all said it, at some time, about some-one, about some-thing and... at that moment... we likely believed it or wished it to be true.  It seems relatively innocent and simple, but there is an inherent danger in attaching absolute terms like Forever and Always and Never to our actions.  Forever is an absolute, defining a very specific time frame.  It does not leave room for variations or alternatives.

Definition of Forever:  For all future time; for always; continually

When we mentally commit to something 'Forever', it means that there are other things you will never be, do or have as a result. This may or may not necessarily be a bad thing, but few of us consciously used the 'Forever' term with a clear picture of what choices we were agreeing to NOT make in the future.

Forever, by its very definition, is a restrictive and limiting term, creating a rigid belief and expectation of and for your life.

• If you believe that you will work at a your current job/organization - Forever - then you will fail to explore other options and may limit your opportunities and growth.  You may remain with an employer and in a role that no longer serves you. 
• If you believe that you will be friends with someone - Forever - then you may continue to allow a toxic person to remain in your life, long after you should have moved on.
• If you believe that you will live in your current house - Forever - then you will likely miss out on job and life opportunities that may have taken you elsewhere, failed to have downsized when the market (and your income) indicated you should, may have missed out on a house that would have suited you and your lifestyle better, or even considered alternatives to owning a house.

Forever is a lock with no key.

Instead, consider replacing the word Forever with one of the following...

• as long as it works
• as long as it serves me
• as long as it makes sense
• as long as I choose

Each of these phrases is liberating.  They are For Now thinking instead of Forever thinking.  There is no longer a lock that you cannot escape from.  You are in relationships and jobs that you choose to be in.  You are living in a way that continues to serve you, not based on a decision that you made decades ago that you mistakenly determined would be... 'Forever'.  

• You aren't happy in your current career?  Change it!  You needn't be locked into a career path for life, based solely on a decision you made when you were in high school.  Choose today what will make you happy and do what you need to make it happen.
• You have relationships that exhaust and drain you?  People in your life that continue to undermine your confidence and belief in yourself, that are constantly sticking pins in your Joy balloons?  Ditch 'em.  If they take away far more than they add then they have long outgrown any positive purpose they had served in your life.

This doesn't mean that all of our Forever decisions need to be changed; there are many we likely want to keep.  However, keep them because you continue to choose them, not because you feel locked into them. Life is constantly changing and we need to be capable of changing along with it.  Eliminating the hidden barriers to change, that absolute words like Forever, Always and Never create, allows us greater flexibility and adaptability, enjoying greater levels of success and happiness...  For Now.

Your Coffee Choice - What Does it Say About You?

We know that the choices we make in life are governed, in large part, by our personalities.  If we are more outgoing and extroverted we will typically choose to attend events with lots of other people in attendance, while introverts will tend to prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings.  Those who are more innovative will choose t make fairly regular changes in and to their lives while those who are more comfortably conventional will tend to prefer the status quo.

That said though, are even small choices and preferences in our lives governed by our personalities?

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of You Are Why You Eat... yes.  In a recent survey of 1,000 coffee drinkers, Dr. Durvasula compared a number of facets of personality with each individual's coffee preference and discovered a number of consistent correlations.  It seems that the following were fairly consistent tendencies...

• Those who preferred their coffee black generally tended to like to keep things simple and consistent. As a result, they tended to be more change resistant than others.
• Latte drinkers tended to like to please others, often going out of their way to help others. This could sometimes be to their own detriment, where they took better care of others than themselves.
• Frozen/blended coffee drinkers were the trend setters.  They enjoyed trying new things and tended to be more spontaneous.  The down side is that they could also be a little reckless.
• Decaf and Specialty coffee drinkers were a little more obsessive and were more likely to be perfectionists, liking order and control.
• Instant coffee drinkers tended to be the most laid back but a little more prone to procrastination

Obviously there were (and are) exceptions to the above, but these were the common patterns that were noted from the people surveyed.  It seems that our personalities not only have an influence on the way in which we view the world around us, but the large and small choices we make as we navigate our way through it.

“Through our food preferences and choices we reveal inner thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires... It's no exaggeration to say that the foods we choose provide a window to our unconscious.”    Dr. Alan Hirsch, neurologist and psychiatrist, and founder of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago

All I'm left wondering now though... is what does it say about me that I don't drink coffee at all... I prefer tea?

To check out what else Dr. Ramani has to say, here's a link to her book...

The Price of Success

Everything in life comes with a price.  Sometimes it is a small, negligible, barely-even-noticed-it price, which
is easily and often unconsciously paid.  Sometimes it is a bigger price, calling into question... are we willing to pay it?  Everyone focuses on success; what it means to them, how it would change their life, how much they want 'it'.  In focusing only on the desired end result, they then use that to measure where they are at, often berating themselves for not being successful 'yet'.  However, they may not be using an accurate measure for themselves of what they 'truly' want to achieve.

People focus on what they would like to 'have', but fail to focus on what it takes to get there.  If you aren't willing to do what is required to get there, pick a different destination, otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail before you begin.  If you select goals for yourself that you have no intention of EVER doing the work needed to complete it, how could you ever manage to achieve it?

No one has even succeeded without paying a price.  

John Maxwell, (Leadership expert, Author, Pastor, Speaker extraordinaire) tells a story of delivering a speech one day and being approached afterword by a young man who looked at him and said... 'I want to do what you are doing!'  John looked at the young man, smiled and said... 'Of course you do son, but the true question for you is whether you are willing to do everything I have done to get here.'

People don't get great at something overnight.  We all start out bad.  There is a price to getting good at something, at developing your skill.  There are sacrifices and choices 'the great' have made that have allowed them to build their skills to get to great.  Are you willing to make those choices, those sacrifices?

It's easy to get caught up in the dream of success.  But to truly become successful, you must immerse yourself in the actions that are needed to get you there.   You need to be prepared to pay the price that's required for you to get where you want to go.  If you are unwilling, it likely isn't the vision of success that you should hold.  Create another.  Your desire for the success you envision has to be bigger than the price you will need to pay.  If it isn't, then it either isn't the right vision or it isn't big enough.

Opportunities exist around us, doors are there for us to open and walk through.  But those doors stop opening for us when we stop being willing to pay the price that each door requires.  We all hit a point when we are satisfied, when we have created the life we want, the vision we held.  At this point, we likely aren't looking to open too many more doors at any price.

If we aren't there yet though, then we are still building, learning, creating and growing.  We need to be prepared to pay the price for the opportunities we need and want to move forward in our Success Plan.  

What is your definition of Success worth to you?  If it isn't resonating within you, motivating and shaping your days, and you're not where you want to be in life, your definition and vision need a tune-up. Revise them until you have something worth working toward.  The Vision has to be bigger than the Price if you are going to pay the price needed to move forward.  It all comes down to one simple statement...

When we stop paying... we stop playing. 

The True Cost of... Sunk Costs

The term Sunk Costs refers to any investment you have made, whether time, money, or effort, that has already been paid and cannot be recovered.  You have sunk that cost into the activity or event and it's gone forever.

Technically, we should be done with this cost and not continue to be influenced by it but, in actuality, this isn't what happens; largely due to the fact that we are hard-wired to feel loss more strongly than gain. Because sunk-costs represent a loss to us, it is difficult for us to separate ourselves from them.  Psychologist Daniel Kahneman, in his book Thinking Fast and Slow, has this to say about our genetic predisposition to focus on loss...

Organisms that placed more urgency on avoiding threats than they did on maximizing opportunities were more likely to pass on their genes.  So over time, the prospect of losses has become a more powerful motivator on your behavior than the promise of gains.

I was thinking about this concept last night as I recalled a conversation that took place during a Career Planning session I was facilitating that day.  In essence, one of the participants commented that they felt 'trapped' in their existing career because they had spent the past number of years in their current role and, despite the fact they didn't think this was their 'true' dream career, couldn't just walk away and 'start over'. This is the sunk-cost fallacy at work.  This individual would like to consider switching their career but felt that they already had too much invested in their current stream to change.  Rather than shifting to something they would likely enjoy more, they didn't want to 'lose' the investment they had already made.

The biggest impact to us of the fallacy is, of course, that it prevents us from making choices that would serve us best in the future, rather than those negating the feeling of losses from past actions.  The challenge for us is that this fallacy is operating upon us unconsciously, we don't even know that it is creating false logic streams in our decision-making.  Consider...  have you ever gone to the movies only to realize, very early on, that the movie is terrible?  And yet, how often do people get up and leave?  Most stay and watch the movie, complaining bitterly afterward about the wasted money and time.  However, leaving early would have meant they could have mitigated their losses by not investing any more of their time.  Because the ticket was already purchased though, we remain to 'get our money's worth'.  Staying cost us more, but we only fixate on the cost of walking away.

What have you perhaps been holding onto too long simply because of the sunk-costs you have incurred?

• a relationship that is no longer serving you
• a career choice that no longer 'fits'
• a business idea that doesn't work
• a process or system that doesn't do what it should
• an advisor or mentor that has run their course
• an investment that is never going to turn around

The only way to avoid the hidden impact of perceived sunk-costs upon our current decisions is to consciously and openly recognise what they are.  Remind yourself that there is no getting these costs back, they are gone, but that you need not continue to lock your future choices and direction to the decisions of the past.  You have to ensure that you build a bright enough picture of the potential of the future that you will be able to override the pain that the loss represents.  We have to begin working on our rewiring to make future gains so much more appealing.  

Love the Work you Do

How we feel about virtually anything in our lives is a matter of perspective.  And our perspective is a matter of choice.  Therefore... I choose how I feel.

• Road Rage?  I chose it.
• Excitement?  I chose it.
• Frustration?  I chose it.
• Happiness?  I chose it.

So now... think about your job.  How do you feel about the work that you do?  If you find that you are frustrated and dreaming about doing something else, if the work that others do sounds infinitely more interesting, more exciting, consider that you are creating your own sense of frustration.  You are choosing to feel this way.

Seth Godin asks... "What if surfing was your job?  Where would you go for vacation?"

A professional surfer has days where they find themselves having to drag their board out into the surf.  It may be cold or overcast, their muscles may be hurting from the day before, they may just not feel like getting wet. But they get out there, because that's their job.  Everything looks glamorous from the outside but every job has elements to it that the doer dislikes.  EVERY job.

However, regardless of the role or task, there is someone out there that enjoys that aspect.  The very piece of your job that has you screaming out in frustration, the task that you find laborious, is something that would truly delight and inspire someone else.  Why not you?  Up until now you have chosen to be frustrated by it, to dread it, to avoid it, to procrastinate until there was no way out.

Your drudgery is another person's delight.  It's only a job if you treat it that way."   Seth Godin

What if, instead, you chose to be delighted by the drudgery?  What if you chose to be so grateful for the work you do that the drudgery associated with it didn't detract from your enjoyment?   What if you determined to Love the work you do?

Our perspective is a matter of choice. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.  What we don't consider is that it's greener because they fertilize.  Start choosing to fertilize on your side of the fence rather than gazing wistfully at the other side and see how that shifts your perspective.

Stop Hijacking your Emotions

When your emotions get the better of you, taking control of your actions and words, you have allowed
yourself to be Hijacked.  Daniel Goleman, well known author of Emotional Intelligence, uses the term emotional hijacking in his work to describe those moments when our emotions take over control of our reason, our behaviour and our words.

For me though, the term is a bit of a misnomer because you aren't actually being taken over.  Hijacking implies that you are not in control, someone or something else is.  However, you are always in control of your responses.  You are not being hijacked by your emotions, you are deferring to them.  They are not taking control of your responses, you are giving over control to them.  This very real, and very distinct, difference means that we are capable then of choosing not to lose control, of not giving in to our emotions, of not being at the mercy of our response.  We can choose differently.

Yes people will say stuff and do stuff that drives us crazy, makes us angry, upsets us, hurts and wounds us.  But... it is our choice to either defer to that emotional response or to choose a different, better and more personally helpful response.  However, just like biting our nails, over-eating  may have become habits in our lives, so too have many of our emotional responses.  Just as we can, in fact, change our habits and gain control over our nail-biting and over-eating, so too can we change our responses to situations.  We don't have to be at the mercy of any choices we have made in the past.  If they don't serve us in moving forward then we need to open ourselves to the desire to choose differently in the future.

Here are a couple of suggestions to help you pull back your conscious control of your emotional responses...

1.  Reduce the size of your 'Board'.  In my book, Choose the Life you Really Want, I outline an exercise called the Board of Directors.  The idea here is to identify all those individuals that you have invited over your lifetime to sit at your personal board table. These individuals are those that have an influence on the decisions and choices you make, whose opinions matter to you, who you make an effort to please.  Most of us have far too large of Board that we are trying to please.  Additionally, because they hold the position of Board member they have not only the power to influence us but the power to hurt and upset us.  By strategically working to reduce the size of our Board, to contain only those who serve us today, we reduce the potential for losing control of our emotions.  If our Board is cut in half, so too should our emotional episodes.  People are on your Board to serve you and guide you in some capacity. They are not on your Board to be served.  Reduce the size of your Board to contain only those that matter for you.  Basically... remove the others and, if they no longer matter, then you will no longer mind!

2.  Keep a log.  Maintain a log of all of your emotional episodes detailing; who was involved, what was it about, how did you feel, what was your response.  Over time you will gather enough examples of these episodes to truly be able to identify your biggest triggers.  Knowing and understanding your hotspots allows you to begin proactively developing your strategies for responding differently to them in future.  These prevent you from simply allowing the old emotional 'habit' to kick in.

3.  Know your desired responses.  This becomes a key component for anyone attempting to change any behavioural habit.  Know what you want instead.  You need to clearly define what your desired response is. In order to forestall the habitual behaviour from simply kicking in, you need to have a clearly defined alternative.  Give yourself something definitive to choose in that moment of anger or hurt. This allows you to break the previous habitual pattern and begin establishing a new one.

Life Choices Made Easy

We often find ourselves at a crossroad, two divergent choices in life.  As we make a choice our life and our options then veer off in a different direction, leading us to make other choices.  Some of these choices lead us toward our desired goals, some will lead us further away.  At every crossroad of choices we face though, there will always be an opportunity to shift back on track, to direct our path back toward our desired future.  This means that if we are not on track it is because we chose not to be.

Most people feel that when they are faced with that moment of choice they are being asked to choose between something that is easy-not-to-do and something that is difficult-to-do.  Sometimes we just don't feel up to the challenge of facing that difficult hurdle and we opt for the easy path.  The more that we do so the more that we find ourselves drifting from our desired course.

The issue of course is that it is simply easier to choose easy over difficult.  However, moving yourself in a positive direction, the one that leads to your defined success, need not be difficult.  Often, it just needs a little reframing.

The most common mistake we make lies in the fact that we have spent more time thinking about, defining, and crafting our desired future and, as a result, we tend to think of it in its 'finished' terms.  It is therefore big and distant.  Of course it looks difficult and challenging.  It represents a significant distance and change from where we are in the moment.  Instead, we need to break it down.  What is the one small step we can take toward that vision and goal that moves us along that path?  Instead of our choice then being between easy-not-to-do and difficult-to-do, we are now faced with a choice between easy-not-to-do and easy-to-do.  Much more appealing.  Who isn't going to choose the option to move forward to their goals if it is just as easy as not doing something?

Use this any time that you face a challenge and begin to feel resistant.  You know it's the right choice, you know it's what you should do, what you want to do, but you are fearful.  You will recognise the moment when this occurs because you begin to find yourself making excuses not to take action.  The I'm not, I can't, I don't, I won't phrases begin.  Before you firmly settle on the easy-not-to path, reframe your other option.  Break it down.  If you are hitting resistance it is only because you are facing too big an obstacle or are feeling overwhelmed by its sheer size.  Make it smaller.  Break it down until you hear yourself thinking... I could do that.  And then choose it.

Reframing your life and your choices so that you are continuously facing choices between the easy-not-to-do and easy-to-do will cement your path to success faster than any other piece of advice I can offer.  Not all of life needs to be hard, not everything needs to be an obstacle.  'Life' is more than capable of tossing boulders into our path to disrupt our journey.  We can pole vault over them or we can build ladders one step at a time.  Both get us over, past and beyond the obstacles.  If you can't vault, step.  It's easy.

Out on a Limb

We do our best work when we are out on a limb.  No, not 'good' work, not 'gee I met deadline and
budget' work, not 'that'll keep me employed and might give me a raise at the end of the year work', I mean our very BEST work, our 'This will change the face of how people see me, buy stuff, think about stuff' work.

When we are out on a limb we are leading.  We hope others will see our vision and follow, but we start by being out there on our own making change.  We are pushing, pulling, stretching, transforming, challenging  the status quo in some way, and that requires us to take a risk.  We risk being mocked and ridiculed.  We risk being seen as wrong.  We risk being out on that limb alone... for a very long time... before others 'get' it and begin to follow us and we risk being out there alone with no one following us... ever.  

The problem, of course, is that it is damn uncomfortable out there on that limb.  Fear of falling (read... FAILING) keeps us playing it safe hugging the tree (read... maintaining the STATUS QUO).  Fear can make us give in to the pressures of others around us to conform.  Worrying about what our audience will think and say about what we're doing though will keep us tree-hugging forever.  In order to step away from the tree, and out on that limb, we have to be willing to let go of the thought that not everyone will 'get it', that not everyone will 'like it', that not everyone will 'buy it'.  And worse, of course, is the personalization of  'it', that people won't get us, like us, buy into us.

The sad truth though is that too many of us spend our lives hugging the tree and never step out to discover what we are capable of.  Our fears keep us clinging to the comfort and safety of the trunk and we fail to stretch ourselves, showing the world our very best selves.  

Where would we be if many before us had not gone out on a limb?

• Christopher Columbus
• Charles Darwin
• Albert Einstein
• Benjamin Franklin

And consider the impact of Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerburg or, even... Sir Thomas Crapper (inventor of the flush toilet... seriously!)

The limb you step out on need not be one that will change the face of the world, but if you are taking a risk on something it will mean change of some kind, even if on a smaller scale, even if only of one... you.  Too nervous to try?  Test it out by going out on a limb a little closer to the ground first, one which has less of a fall.  There's less of a risk, less of a change involved, but it is still a step forward, still a step toward strengthening your balancing skills - preparing you for those limbs higher up.

I'm implementing some changes this year, in my business and personal life, that have me precariously perched on a limb that seems pretty high up there to me.  It represents big challenges and risks but I believe it's the next step for me and for my growth.  I hope that you will join me out there at some point, that you follow me as I make those steps and changes, but I am stepping out on that limb regardless.  It is going to be scary, it will be intimidating and I know it could be a big fall for me but, and here's the big plus for those of you ready to step out on a limb of your own... I hear the view is great from up there!

The Certainty of... Uncertainty

When you don't know what to do... what do you do?

Do you dig in... or do you fold?

Do you seek out the answer... or do you determine there isn't one?

Do you step up... or step back?

Do you take a risk on something... or seek safety by doing nothing?

Do you create a new path... or do you settle for the ground most travelled?

It is in your moments of uncertainty that we get the opportunity to see who you really are.  Your choices define you, determine your brand and let us know - CLEARLY - who you 'really' are... not who you tell us you are.

What do your past choices, in those moments of uncertainty, say about you? 

What do you want them to say?

What do you need to do differently?

What step can you take NOW to make a start?

Not knowing what to do is a common occurrence.  It is your common response to it that defines you.  Create your desired definition and make choices that support it, to create a strong brand message for others to read.  This... is certain.

Now or Later?

Our actions have consequences 

The difficulty that many people have in achieving their goals or in fulfilling their purpose rests in this simple statement.  Those who seek immediate gratification will rarely do the work today that is required to fulfill a goal down the road.  Often not achieving a goal is as basic as this.  Do you want your reward now or later?

Highly successful people know and understand the difference.  They are able to suspend any need for immediate gratification if it means that their 'bigger' goals down the road are more likely to be met.

• you can't meet your goal of losing ten pounds if you are unable to delay the immediate gratification you would gain from a chocolate chip cookie... NOW
• you can't ever buy the house of your dreams if you are unable to save the down payment because you need to spend your money on a movie... NOW
• you aren't likely to get that promotion down the road if you aren't willing to put in your dues... NOW
• you aren't helping to 'save' the environment if you can't forgo the convenience of buying bottled water...NOW

In the 1960's, Stanford professor Walter Mischel conducted what is one of the best known and classic studies in this area, referred to often as the Marshmallow Experiment.  He and his team tested hundreds of children aged 4-5 by doing the following.  They brought each child into a private room and sat them at a table.  The researcher placed a marshmallow on the table and offered each child a deal.  The research explained that they needed to leave the room for a while.  If the child did NOT each the marshmallow while the researcher was absent, then they would receive a second marshmallow.  However, if they did eat the marshmallow while the researcher was gone, they would not receive a second.  The researcher then left the child alone with the marshmallow for 15 minutes.

The choice was clear.  1 treat NOW or 2 treats LATER.

Some children ate the marshmallow immediately, while others visually struggled until succumbing. A much smaller group waited the 15 minutes out and received their second marshmallow.  

The fascinating part of this research was what was revealed during the follow up.  Researchers followed the children over 40 years, tracking their progress in a number of areas.  What they found was that those children who were able to delay their gratification...

• ended up with higher SAT scores
• had lower levels of substance abuse
• experienced a lower likelihood of obesity
• had a better response to stress.

Those wo were able to delay gratification out performed those who didn't in whatever capacity the researchers measured.  It makes sense when you consider... those who are able to delay watching TV in order to study are far more likely to have better grades.  Those who can delay the immediate gratification of eating a donut (or 2 or 3) are less likely to gain weight or become obese.  

Every seemingly small action we take today either works in support of our desired end goals or it doesn't.  It is that simple and that difficult.  You need to determine how much you want that bigger picture and take the time to review your current actions against it.  The 'now' will always be alluring, working to seduce you away from achieving that end goal, unless you can keep yourself fixated on the true benefits of what that 'later' goal will look like and feel like for you.  The better you can feel it, see it, taste it... the more likely you will be to stick with your plan for getting there.  If you make it feel real, it will feel achievable and therefore actionable.  

Building your willpower is all about making your end goal as tangible as possible and differentiating between the benefits of NOW versus LATER.  Making your 'later' look and feel better than any immediate gratification you get from doing something 'now' will help you stay true to your course.  

'Reasoning' our way to Mediocrity

A great opportunity comes our way BUT we don't have the time available to take advantage of it... ... the money... OR... the expertise... OR... we're lacking the support from home we feel we'd need... OR... we'd have to move... OR... the dog's been sick and needs us... OR...
OR...

You get the picture.  There are never a shortage of Reasons for not doing something.  Few of us lack reasons for not taking on a new challenge, often because it seems scary or intimidating to us.  Perhaps we're afraid of trying something new because we don't want to fail.

Regardless of the reasons our conditioned mind created for us, the source typically stems from an underlying fear.

• Fear of failure
• Fear of change
• Fear of loss
• Fear of alienation
• Fear of risk...

The fear creates Reasons as to why we should not consider or attempt something new.  Our reasons will sound realistic.  Our reasons sound true.  Our reasons sound logical.  They serve one main purpose though.... they keep us in our comfort zone, and staying in that zone prevents us from learning, growing and expanding.

And... if we are not learning and growing, we become firmly entrenched in mediocrity.  We will be 'okay' but we will not be living an 'amazing' life.  If you are 100 years old, looking back on your life, how would you prefer to be describing the life you've lived?  Okay... or Amazing?

People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents".   Andrew Carnegie

If you find yourself always giving in, without question, to all of the Reasons for not doing or attempting something new, you are choosing the status quo.  You are choosing to remain firmly within your comfort zone.  Reasons don't get you there, only action will.  Therefore, you can have Reasons for not choosing action OR you can have the Results gained by having pushed through your discomfort and taking action.

Sometimes our reasons are justified, but all too often they are simply a knee-jerk reaction of our brain to the thought of change.  If you don't start challenging all of the reasons your brain gives you for not doing something, then you are going to find yourself stuck in the rut of mediocrity.

When next you find yourself confronted by a list of reasons for not taking action, tell yourself...

I can have Reasons, or I can have Results

And then... ask yourself...

What Results are these Reasons keeping me from achieving?

If you are unwilling to let that result go, then you need to see those reasons for what they are - Excuses - and push on through.  Few people looking back on their life are satisfied with all of the reasons for not living the life they desire.  Instead, we are satisfied and gratified to look back and see that our heart's desire was fulfilled.

What do you want to look back and see?

The Death of Dreams

• 'You've never really been any good at that sort of thing'
• 'I've heard there are tons of people going after the same thing... almost no one ever makes it'
• 'You know that never happens to people like us'

These are the types of things 'they' say, the kinds of innocent-seeming statements 'they' make to slowly, but surely, kill our dreams.  You know - those visions and plans we have that would somehow serve to make us 'more' than we are now, that would have us do different, to get different, to be different.

We all have people in our lives that would rather we stay where we are in life. They will offer their thoughts under the guise of caring...

• 'You know it's only because I care about you that I'm telling you this...'
• 'It pains me to say this...'
• 'You know I love you but...'

The expectation, of course, is that if they care about us, if they love us... maybe they are right.  Oh, we may not be so willing to let go of our dreams completely, but their words plant the seeds of doubt and we hesitate. The continual reinforcement of these messages serves to water those seeds, allowing them to take root and grow, eroding our self beliefs, until our dreams drift away.

'They' say it's out of love that they tell us such things... the you can'ts, you aren'ts... but is it really?  Often, we are told these things less from a belief that we truly couldn't and more from a fear that we truly could! The objections 'they' offer us are less about us than they are about them.  They like things as they are.  They like us as we are.  Mostly because, in some way, we - as we are - make them feel better about themselves as they are.  If we change in some way then it changes things... for them!  They may feel bad... about themselves.  Because if we can do it, then all of the excuses they have given themselves as to why they aren't doing it get challenged.  

Regardless of the dream that you have, others in your life may not want you to change for one of two reasons.

1. they felt better about having/being/doing more than you when you had/were less (they like feeling superior to you and don't want you leveling the playing field)
2. They felt better about not having/being/doing something because you were right there with them, providing them with proof that it's not just them (misery does love company after all!)

These people are dream stealer's. They will do whatever they can to kill your dreams off so that their dreams aren't threatened.  Make no mistake, this is done out of love of themselves, not of you.  We need, therefore, to learn to maintain our own belief and momentum, by ensuring that our self-love supersedes the need to be loved by those 'others' in our life.  Out of that self-love comes the commitment to live our dreams not negate them, to live a life of self-belief not self-doubt, to live a life of purpose not regret.

Let others choose their own path, just as you need to choose yours.  And... for all those that doubted and questioned your dreams and choices?  Let your success stand on its own and serve as your personal statement of...

I Told You So!