Getting Unstuck: 3 Essential Questions

As a Coach it is my job to ask people questions and get them thinking about their life, career, wants and needs. However, just as all coaches are not the same, neither are their questions. I am far less of an introspective, let's-explore-your-motivations type of coach and much more of a let's-define-what needs-doing-and-get-it-done kind of coach.  Both have their place, depending upon what you want and need.

However, when it comes to taking action, 'Why' questions are killers.  Why questions keep you stuck exploring the meaning of your choices, your actions, your relationships, your life... rather than getting out there taking action and living your life. If you are at the point where you are done with exploration and introspection, if you are at the point where you want and need change, then it is time to get down to shifting from Why to What.

To help get you unstuck and moving forward I have 3 key What questions you can use to help take you from here to there.  Use these to help you to define and shape the action that is needed and your willingness to do what it takes to get there.  Three basic questions to help you stop the 'why-ning' and shift into action.

1. What do I want?

A seemingly basic question, but an essential one.  If you are going to take action then it's best to have a destination in mind lest you just wander aimlessly.  If you want your actions to have purpose, then defining clearing and specifically what you want is the place to start.

2. What do I need to do to get there?

What are the steps that need to be taken? You can start out with broad steps but narrow them down. The more specific that you make them the more likely you are to take the steps. Eliminating ambiguity eliminates questions and hesitation. The more specific the steps the likely the smaller they will be also, which means the more likely you are to take them. Small steps are easy steps and any step taking you in a desired direction is a positive one, regardless of the size.

3. What am I prepared to do?

And... here's the kicker. Now that you know what you want and what it takes to get there... what are you willing to do?  Just because we know what to do doesn't mean we are actually going to take those steps in which case, you need to know where your buttons are. Which are you willing to push and which aren't you? What dreams does this cost you and are you willing to let 'em go?

If you are experiencing any hesitation my best advice is to simply look at the first step and ask yourself if you are prepared to do it.  If so, then do so. Now look at the second step and ask yourself if you are prepared to do it. Often our hesitation arises when we look at everything that needs doing, which may cause a sense of overwhelm to arise. Instead, simply look at each step you have defined in isolation and take that step. If you hit a step that seems too daunting then see if you can break it down further into smaller components.

• If you are missing a skill... what do I need to learn? From where? From whom?
• If you are missing some information... what do I need to know? Who knows it? How do I access?

Each missing piece simply becomes another step. Define it and add it in. 

Take a step.

This may sound simplistic but this System of the 3 What's works. It focuses you forward rather than getting caught up in exploring the past. You can do something about your future, but only if you are willing to step up and step forward into it.  Perhaps upon reflection there is one final 'What' question I have for you...

What are you waiting for?

When Comparing Ourselves to Others Goes Wrong

How do you know when you're doing well?  Or poorly?

How do you measure how successful you are?  There are no real objective measures to this, it is a subjective evaluation only.  In the absence of objective measures, we tend to use comparisons to determine how we are doing.

It is almost essential to have something to compare our performance to if we are to understand the relative success of that performance.  When viewing the performance of an athlete, it is only by viewing their performance in comparison to others that we are able to determine their success. The Olympics model is predicated on this system of comparison as are all sports rankings.  A professional baseball player's number of home run hits per season has no context without comparing it to how many home runs others in the league are hitting.

At the personal level we compare ourselves to others constantly as a means of creating a personal sense of context. How fast we are, thin we are, smart we are, successful we are is all determined by viewing ourselves in comparison to how fast or slow others are, how thin or fat, rich or poor, smart or dumb, serious or funny.  Good or bad it serves as our way of understanding our place in the Social World.

Back in 1954 Leon Festinger established Social Comparison Theory to explain the tendency for people to be constantly making self evaluations.  We determine our own social and personal worth based on our perception of how we measure up against others.  There are two basic directions for such comparisons,

• Downward
• Upward

We are more likely to make downward comparisons when our Self Esteem is threatened.  When we aren't feeling good about ourselves we are likely to compare ourselves to someone less well off to make ourselves feel better. We do so as a means of  reassuring ourselves that things could be worse.

When we compare ourselves to someone we perceive as 'better off' we are making Upward Comparisons.  These comparisons can serve as inspiration, helping motivate us to achieve more. However, they can also fuel our envy or have a negative impact on our self esteem by creating unrealistic expectations and standards of success.  

Making these comparisons is a natural process that serves to provide us with useful information. However, if we dwell upon it too much it can become problematical.  

• If our self esteem is low we may find that we become overly reliant on the misfortune of others to give us a boost.  We may then be constantly looking for the negative, downplaying the success of others which can have a very strong negative impact upon our relationships.
• If we focus only on the perceived gap that exists between us and someone we see as being above us we may begin to feel the gap is insurmountable and give up rather than be motivated to persevere

All of these comparisons also rely on our view of self.  If our perception of our abilities is skewed then so too will our comparisons.  You see this on competition shows such as Idol every season, those people with clearly limited vocal talent who have no accurate understanding of their current level of skill. 

Given that we are making these comparisons continuously anyway, is there any way to use them positively?  The good news is that research suggests that yes, we certainly can, it is just a matter of perspective. Social comparisons typically focus on our differences, on highlighting the gaps, but it can also be used to identify our common humanity, which can then be used to establish a greater understanding and connectivity.

In its most simplest form our Social Comparisons serve a useful purpose in helping us to understand what we're good at and what we're not. 

• Build a life and career around what you are good at relative to others and hire those who are good at what you are not.  
• Use those who are better than you as a motivator to get better at something you want but use your own progress as a benchmark of improvement.  

You don't need to be the best in the world at everything you do, you just need to be better. Maybe the best comparator after all is whether you are better today than yesterday.  

Tip Thursday - Personal Development

We can get caught up in doing so many things that we sometimes lose track of 'why'. To determine the value of what you're doing, whether you should be doing it or even just as a means of freeing up time to do other things, consider whether the activity you are engaged in will make you better. If what you are doing does not serve you in some way; does not improve you, grow you, support you or reward you, ask - Why am I even doing this? If it doesn't make you better - it's likely not worth doing!

Expand Your Universe

If you have ever tried to grow an indoor plant, you likely came to realize that the size of the plant would often be determined by the size of the pot or container it is planted in.  When small, the plant thrives better if the container is not overly large. However, as the plant grows and matures, that same sized pot becomes restrictive and can stunt its growth, requiring that the plant be re-potted into something larger, allowing it more room to facilitate growth.

We are not all that dissimilar.  The smaller our personal Universe, the less space we have to grow. Though the size of our universe may have 'fit' and suited us when we were first starting out, we need to continually be expanding the space around us to provide us with the stimulation and room needed to grow and expand.

Grow your Universe to allow for Personal Growth

Expanding the size of our Personal Universe need not be difficult or arduous, but it does require that we remain open to constant exploration and learning.  Just as the Star Trek Enterprise expanded the size of the known Universe by 'seeking out new life and new civilizations', you too need to give yourself room to grow by continually expanding the environment you have to grow into.

The following are some great tips for helping you to give yourself some room to grow.  There is only growth or stagnation. If you want to keep on earning, you have to keep on learning.  There is no other or better way.

1. Travel.  As much as you can, to as many places as you can.  See places for yourself. Meet the people.  Learn how they live.  Don't allow other people's interpretations to shape your impressions, experience it first hand.  
2. Read.  There is no excuse for not expanding your mind, knowledge or understanding by not picking up a book.  Even if it's only for 10 minutes a day - Read!  There are free resources everywhere so cost is not an issue on this one!  Everything you read is an investment you make to your Brain Trust so don't shortchange yourself.
3. Do something new.  Pick a new sport, a new activity, a hobby.  Give it a try.  You don't have to stick with it, you don't have to perfect it... just try it.  Experience it for yourself.  You will never uncover new interests, strengths or talents without trying something new.  
4. Take a class.  Explore a new subject or skill by taking a class in it.  You can sign up at a local school or college or you can take advantage of free online resources.  MIT has open course ware now as do other great schools. Formal learning and education has never been so accessible.  
5. Podcasts.  Listen to some podcasts on subjects that you know little about.  Gain some insight into new research, follow discussions on topics outside of your field, try a new interest on for size. Listen to what others are thinking and doing to stimulate your thoughts and actions.
6. Ask Questions.  Develop your curiosity by asking more questions and seeking out answers. Don't hesitate to ask questions of others, to google questions that pop to your mind... you'll never get answers if you don't seek them out and questions are one of the easiest, fastest and best ways.
7. Online Videos.  The internet is such a great resource available at your fingertips, eliminating excuses for not having access to information or tools.  TED is a phenomenal source of talks on a wide range of topics, many of which you may never have thought about but that open your mind to new avenues of thought, science, activity and research.  Whether you have 5 minutes or 15, TED has something to share.  Don't underestimate the value of YouTube as a resource, it has more to share than simply videos of cats jumping in boxes, or check out Instructables if you are looking to learn how to do things yourself - many new skills just waiting for you there.  

You can Expand your Universe with only 5 minutes a day.  The main point is to expand it, even in small ways.  Just as a plant's growth becomes stunted in a too small pot, so too does your growth become limited if you are trying to grow in too small a space.  Make a change, do something different, pick up something new...  it all adds not only to the size of your Universe and your potential growth, but to the quality of the life you experience along the way.

So You Want a Promotion?

The move upwards within a corporation can often prove a very frustrating experience.  Given that many organizations have downsized, flattening their organizational tiers, there are often fewer opportunities available and therefore increased competition for the few positions that do open up. Additionally, there seems to also be a sense of entitlement amongst workers, the belief that 'time' somehow adds to your qualifications for advancement.

You know the kind of 'time' I'm referring to here, the thought that the length of time you have remained at a company deserves additional rewards and possibly promotion. Let me state categorically here though...  it does not.  Nor should it.  Merely showing up is not enough to recommend you for 'more'.  In fact, fulfilling your current role and meeting your boss's expectations is the price of entry for promotion, it is the minimum of what you need to be doing to secure a promotion.

In all instances, those that are serious about wanting a promotion need to step up and go beyond the day-to-day requirements of their role, demonstrating not only that they are capable of more, but that they are actively seeking it out.  If you want to take on more of a Leadership role, you need to be prepared to start demonstrating your ability to Lead... now.

The following are my top 10 Tips to help you stand out from the crowd and demonstrate that you are ready for that next promotion.

1. Know your Job.  You have to be good at what you are currently doing if you want to be seriously considered for doing more.  Demonstrate that you have a solid understanding of your current responsibilities, show you are dependable and capable.  This is your foundation.  If you aren't doing this then don't worry about the rest of the list until you have mastered your current role.  
2. Know the Business.  Make a study of the company.  Know everything you can about the industry, competitors and market.  Go beyond your little corner and expand your understanding of the business you are in.  The more you know, the more you will understand and the greater the potential value you have to add.  
3. Be Creative.  Use your understanding above to help you come up with ideas to bring forward. What ideas do you have that would add value to your Department, that would help your group add value to the organization? Helping your group succeed provides the foundation for being seen as someone that will help the organization as a whole be more successful.
4. Network within the company.  Don't just get to know those within your department.  Venture out and form connections across divisions and roles.  Build relationships as your build your reputation. Build your network of champions and cheerleaders that will help to sell you into your next opportunity.
5. Offer Solutions.  Don't just raise issues.  If you are bringing a problem forward then ensure that you are also offering a suggested solution. Bosses are responsible for solving issues.  If you want to be seen as a potential boss then show you are capable of thinking and taking action like one.  Shifting into problem solving mode rather than problem-raising mode immediately helps to shift the way that others perceive you.
6. Be Drama Free.  Demonstrate your ability to stay calm under pressure and in times of crisis. Management is looking for cooler heads to prevail during times of stress.  How you handle your small day to day crisis sets the tone for how they will view your ability to handle the 'tougher' issues down the road.  As a boss you will be called upon to defuse the 'drama'.  Hard to do if you are its source.
7. Develop Yourself.  Identify what skills you lack and find ways to develop and improve them. Take the initiative on your own, whether through a course of study, volunteering for specific project teams or taking on a project of your own.  Don't sit back lamenting the lack of career development support, do what you need to help yourself succeed. 
8. Challenge Current Thinking.  No, this does not mean argue continuously.  But, if you don't think a current course of action is the best alternative then share your well-thought-out opposing view.  Provide your reasons and supporting data. If you want to be seen as a leader, then it is important you demonstrate your thinking as a leader, which requires you to have thoughts and ideas of your own. You have to be prepared to speak up occasionally in order to get noticed.   
9. Don't Complain.  In some respects this speaks to point number 5.  Complaining is merely a critical way of raising issues.  You are focusing on what isn't working, what you don't like, and what is broken rather than focusing on fixes for them.  More importantly though, complaining has a powerless component to it which works in complete opposition to how you want to be seen. Sounding powerless will never net you more power.  
10. Ask how you can help.  Don't wait to be told what to do, seek things out.  See what needs to be done and just do it, or ask what else needs to be done.  Don't wait to be caught doing nothing before taking on an additional task.  Seek out your boss and see what else you can be doing to be of service to them.  

Promotions don't occur by happenstance, and they don't go to those that simply show up.  They do go to those that demonstrate a readiness for them.  The 10 tips above will help you to not just appear ready, but to 'be' ready. A final note though... if you caught yourself thinking that you're not going to do any of the above tips because you're not paid to do 'em... you're not ready for promotion.  

How Big is Your Bucket?

We have grown up in a culture that chases ‘bigger’.  We don’t just up-size, we super-size.  We use bigger houses to define our success, think restaurants with overloaded plates are ‘better’, believe the bigger the diamond the greater the love, and we think that we don’t just need to fill the shoes of those that walked before us but we need to leave a bigger footprint. 

Everything that we do tends to expand to fill the size of the bucket that we set out in front of us.  Whether we are socialized or hard-wired into believing it, we tend to fall into the belief that our life goal is to fill the bucket.  Knowing this then becomes an important component of any development plan we create, whether for others or for ourselves.  Consider the following two scenarios...

1. People that are perpetually dissatisfied with their lives.  No matter how much they seem to have, it is just never enough.  
2. People that are happy and satisfied with their lives, even though it may not appear that they have much to be happy about

You likely know someone from each of these scenarios and, it`s equally likely that you fall into one of these descriptions.  Now consider that the only element that is differentiating people from description one or two is... the size of their bucket!

Those that are perpetually dissatisfied with their lives are constantly trying to fill a super-sized bucket. It may be so large that they couldn't possibly fill it in a lifetime.  The bucket they set out in front of themselves has pre-determined their dissatisfaction.  No matter how much they attain and achieve, the bucket continues to have room for `more`.  Additionally, because there is constantly room in the bucket they are unable to celebrate the successes they have achieved because they are quickly swallowed up in the need for `more`.

Instead, those that have placed in front of them a smaller bucket, find it easier to fill.  They can be satisfied with what they have in their lives because their bucket is full.  A partially full bucket is not demoralizing because filling it seems achievable.  

When a bucket is filled it can simply be shifted to one side and new bucket set out in front.  Think of this visual because it is important.  You may have a new, empty bucket in front of you but, at any time, you can glance to the side and see all of the full buckets you have lined up over the course of your lifetime.  Your achievements are readily and easily viewed, continuing to instill a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.  Therefore, you can continue to strive and to grow, filling new buckets as you do, without ever experiencing the frustration of attempting to fill a `too large` bucket. That over-sized bucket will begin to feel impossible to fill, as though there is a hole in the bottom that prevents you from ever succeeding. 

`There`s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza, There`s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, a hole`

We want to be motivated by the concept of more, but we don`t want it to seem unachievable. That is demoralizing and will rob us of the energy or drive to succeed. Instead, be strategic about the size of the bucket you set before you.  Large enough that it requires a little work and effort to fill, not so large that it would take an entire lifetime.  There is no virtual bucket shortage out there.  There is not limit on the storage space available for all of the buckets you fill.

If you happen to be one of those with a too-large bucket set before you then the task before you is clear.  Get yourself a mess of smaller buckets and start emptying your big bucket into it.  Spend some time thinking about everything that is currently in that big bucket, all of your past accomplishments and achievements, every hurdle you have jumped, every barrier you have overcome.  Shift them into smaller buckets and line them up.  When your big bucket is empty, toss it and look out over all of the buckets you have filled, everything you have achieved thus far.  Embrace it, revel in it and then... place a new, smaller bucket in front of you and start filling it.

It`s not the number or size of your accomplishments that makes for a happy and contented life, but the size of your bucket you`re putting them in!

 

Signs You're Ready for 'More'

When it comes to managing our careers we need to become proficient in gauging our 'readiness for
more', in recognising when we are ready to assume greater responsibility. It is in these moments that we are best served in pushing forward, in seeking out new opportunities. Pushing too soon leaves us ill-prepared for the responsibilities we are to face, while sitting back and merely waiting for opportunities to arise can leave us frustrated and disheartened, slowing down our career growth.

Relying on our bosses to recognise and address our readiness will typically fall more in line with organizational needs than our own.  When directed by our boss, 'more' will typically be representative of what the organization needs to be done, rather than what we need or should be doing.  As a result, the 'more' we get assigned may come too early in our development, resulting in undue stress and pressure to keep up, or come late in our development, resulting in careers that grow much slower and not as far as they might if directed in more timely a fashion.

Additionally, if you aren't constantly assessing your readiness for 'more', you might find yourself passed by for promotion.  Getting a promotion is not about simply doing your current job well, not even about doing it exceptionally well.  Organizations like having folks who do their job well and keep on doing it!  Instead, getting a promotion is about pushing the limits of your current role and in demonstrating that you have outgrown your current responsibilities and are actively seeking out 'more'.

This means that we cannot simply sit and wait for others to recognise our latent talents and abilities. Instead, it is important that we learn to recognise the signs of our readiness and address them ourselves.  In doing so we are likely to not only avoid the possibility of stagnation or boredom, but we will grow our skills faster, by fitting our growth to our readiness, making us more valuable to the organization by assuming more responsibilities.

You must take personal responsibility.  You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.       - Jim Rohn

Just how can we tell that we are ready to take on 'more'?  Watch for some of these signs...

• Everything is running smoothly.  When you are typically in full control of the day-to-day aspects of your role, when there are few challenges or surprises, you are ready to begin adding a few new ones into the mix.  You may be comfortable in continuing to do what you always have, but this is not likely to get you further ahead.  If you are looking to continue to build your career profile then don't become complacent in a job you know fully.  Smooth and calm waters offer you opportunities to play with something new.
• You aren't learning anything new.  When everything about your role is known to you, when you have all of the answers, you are ready to learn more.  You have a solid base of understanding to use as a foundation to build upon.  Seek out new responsibilities and opportunities that expand upon what you already know, strengthening your experience and knowledge base and, ultimately, your value.
• When you don't have to work hard or push to be successful.  When everything feels 'easy' you are definitely ready for more.  We learn and we grow through challenges, not by staying with what is easy and comfortable.  
• When you are spending a lot of your time fixing other people's problems.  This is a sure sign that you are looking for new challenges.  Your current role isn't challenging you enough, so you go looking for more.  As much as fixing other people's problems will help you get a 'nice guy' award, it doesn't do as much for building your career as strategically looking for issues and challenges you can take on that directly enhance your skillset and career path.
• When you feel negative...often.  If you find that you are caught up in negative emotions, are bored, resentful or feeling disengaged, you are ready for more.  Your current role is not likely offering you enough variety or challenges to keep you motivated and energized.  We are wired to want to grow and learn, which are energizing emotions.  If you are feeling the opposite then it is time for you to find some new areas to expand.  

Tracking your state of readiness is a key skill in developing a career purposely and strategically. Many get caught up in grabbing the bigger titles, jumping into roles that are too big for them, too soon, leading to failures that could have been avoided.  However, others hold back far too long, getting caught up in the belief that doing a great job is enough to get a promotion.  Focusing on what is expected of you is a great strategy for keeping the role you have.  Going beyond expectations is the strategy that will lead you to a new role. Gauge what your current state of readiness is at every stage of your career, managing and building new opportunities to fit with your readiness for 'more'. This tip alone, if practiced consistently, is enough to build a solid and successful career.

Are you Standing In your Story or On it?

Martin has been running his own small home renovations company, on weekends, for the past 5 years.  'I was never any good at math in school.  To be successful in running a business you need to be good at math.  I could never handle that'.  He is finding that demand for his services is far exceeding his ability to deliver, which means he is turning down work.  He would love to make the home-renovations business his full-time occupation but hesitates because...

Sandra struggles to make ends meet.  No matter what she does to try and bring in additional income she never seems to end up with 'more' at the end of the month. She would like to begin to save for her retirement, save for a home of her own or take a vacation trip but can't see her way clear to ever making any of those things happen.  She says... 'I never seem to get ahead.  Even with taking on a part-time job I have more days left than money at the end of each month.  My mother was never good with money, I guess I take after her.'

We all have stories that we tell ourselves, serving as explanations as to 'why' we made the choices we did, 'why' our lives are what they are, 'why' we turned out the way we did.  These stories become our explanations for 'Not'.  Not being what we want, not having what we want, not doing what we want, not achieving what we want.  However, it is the stories that we tell ourselves about our lives that are often our biggest saboteurs to the achievements and success that we seek.

The stories we tell ourselves are simply our version of the facts, making them only one version. However, we hold them as truths, making them an unchangeable constant in our lives.  In doing so they serve to direct and control the actions we are willing, or unwilling, to take. When we allow our story to be our master, to allow our story to direct and control the direction of our lives, we are effectively standing IN our story. When we are standing in our story it becomes the reason why we can't do something, why we can't achieve something.  We get caught up in the cyclical loop of the story and fail to see options for different endings.

Instead, we need to learn to stand ON our story, to use it to propel us forward.  Our story then becomes our platform for change rather than an anchor holding us in place.  When we stand on our story we make it our 'why', allowing it to become the wind that propels us forward. Every story about someone overcoming the odds, every rags to riches story, every example of someone overcoming a disability is an example of someone that chose not to stand IN their story, but to stand ON it.

Stand ON your story, not IN it

Martin broke out of his 'I'm not good enough at math to run a full-time business' story by sitting down and acknowledging that he had been doing just that for the past five years.  He had been successful at handling all of the materials calculations for each project, had been successful in estimating actual project costs to provide customer quotes, had been successful in handling the mathematical calculations necessary to measure and build structurally sound additions.  Although he acknowledged that growing larger he would want to hire a bookkeeper to oversee the day-to-day management of expenses he came to acknowledge that was more a sound business decision than it was a reflection of his shortcomings.

Sandra came to realize that her adoption of the story that she was not good with money came from an ongoing story from her childhood, one that her father shared with her and her mother consistently - that 'women' are no good at handling money.  This was a fairy tale from her early years that she had incorporated into being the story of her life.  It was when she began to challenge this story, and rewrite it, that she found she was far better at managing her funds than she had presumed. Additionally, she found that in rewriting the story that she was no good with money, she opened up new opportunities for herself to make even more.

If you, like Martin and Sandra, find that standing in your story doesn't suit you any more, that you want to stand on your story and experience more in your life, follow these steps to help you move up and onto your stories.

Acknowledge there is a problem/issue

You likely already have a sense of some of the stories you're standing in that are holding you back, but also pay attention to the times you tell yourself - I'm not..., I can't..., I don't....    These phrases likely precede a story and are clearly dis-empowering ones.

Write down your story

Take the time to write down everything you can about your story.  What is its script, where might you have heard it or told it first?  If it has history spend a little time to uncover it.  Sandra's story above clearly had some history that, once she knew it, allowed her to recognise that it was her father's story and need not be hers.  She broke through faster than she might have otherwise by spending a little more time upfront thinking it through.

What does the story mean?

Write down everything that standing in your story means.  In essence you are writing - Because I believe THIS story, I...  What are the things you do as a result of standing in this story?  What are the things you don't do?  Think of the behaviours you engage in, and don't engage in, as a result of standing in this story.  Understanding how it plays out on a daily basis helps us to understand what needs to change.

What are alternative stories?

In order to learn to stand on your story, rather than in it, you need to be able to envision 'different' for yourself.  Brainstorm a few for yourself, opening yourself new possibilities and new ways of thinking and being.

Pick one

Of the new stories you crafted, which is the most desirable?  Consider, If this was true then...  If this story you crafted was your story, what would life look like?  What would the results be?  How would you treat yourself, treat others?  How would you behave?  What actions would you take?

Take a Step

In order to Stand On Your Story you need to use it as a springboard to something else.  Rather than letting it hold us back we want to use it as the fuel to moving forward.  However, all of the planning in the world doesn't take us from where we are if we don't act upon those plans.  Any step, no matter how small, will begin to lift you out of the story you're in, allowing you stand on it and move into a newer, better story.  And... no matter how great that story may be in comparison, if you want to continue to grow you will need to let go of that story to move forward to the next.

When we are busy standing in our story we create a host of reasons around 'why' we can't be or have or do what we want with our lives, which holds us back from uncovering our true potential and worth. The longer we allow that story to live, the more cemented it becomes in our psyche, becoming a truth we take for granted, embedding itself into our very perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. However, when we learn to stand on our stories we stop allowing them to define us. We enter into the possibility of 'more'.  When you do, you help to liberate others to do the same.

A Spring Challenge!

Yesterday finally felt like spring to me.  The weather was warm and breezy, you could smell the BBQ's being
fired up and I started checking out my vegetable garden patch, planning what to plant this year.  My thoughts naturally began to turn to images of the summer months to come and... wait for it... bathing suit weather at the cottage.  I am NOT ready.  But... I'm going to be!

I need a challenge.  Sometimes my challenges come in the form of work. New projects, new clients, new initiatives.  However, sometimes my challenges come from activities outside of work.  I like the balance and I like the control that this gives me.  Ensuring that I am constantly being challenged - by something - keeps m on my toes in everything that I do.  It keeps me fresh, keeps me energized and keeps me focused.  I'm ready for a new one, and I invite you to join in!

Your challenge could be anything.  It could be something physical, it could be something you've been meaning to do but keep putting off, it could be a learning objective, or it could be something you are looking to push yourself with at work.  It could be big, it could be small, but I think that the spring is a great time to challenge ourselves with something... Extra!  Something that we have thought about but perhaps hesitated to get started with because we Can't..., or Shouldn't..., or Don't... We are dropping the excuses and 'reasons' NOT to do it and instead simply saying WHY NOT?

My challenge... is physical.  I have a million reasons why I haven't been working out as much but... two very good reasons why I need to.  First, I have a bad hip.  Degenerative arthritis means that if I don't keep moving and working my hip out, then it gets stiff, painful and my range of movement is significantly limited.  TaeKwondo has proven to be a great way to keep myself limber and moving.  Second, I have been putting off 'grading' for my next belt level in TaeKwondo for a year, never feeling that I was ready.

Here's my challenge then... to get into good-enough shape to successfully grade for my next TaeKwondo belt the end of June. June of this year.  No excuses.

What's your challenge?  What's something you have wanted to do or try but have been putting off?  No excuses.  Let's begin together.

• I need to learn my patterns (I haven't been fully committed so I keep forgetting them.  No more!)
• I need to lose weight to take the pressure off my hip for the jumps (trust me, my hip does not like my leaving the ground but I have jumps and 180 degree rotations with an elevated leg in my patterns. Less weight equals less stress so the 'extra' needs to go)
• I need to develop my upper body strength to get ready for my 100 pushups (lord I hate pushups, but it's part of the grading process so... it is now part of mine)
• I need to brush up on my Korean terminology (yep, there is theory to study!)

What do you need to do?  How are you going to make it happen?  Determine your steps but don't get caught up in the planning, let's get caught up in the Doing!  If you're willing to share, then post your Challenge below.  I'll update you every so often on how my Challenge is coming along, I'd love to hear from you. Nothing like a little public accountability! 

 May the Challenges... begin!

Planning your Becoming

It's that time of year where the internet abounds with ideas for setting your resolutions, suggestions on keeping your resolutions and consolation to those that break them.  You can find tools and articles to help you set your goals, ways to make them SMART, and systems to help you break them down into manageable bites and schedule them.

Instead, I want to suggest that you add a dimension into your goal-setting this year.  All too often we focus on what we want to do or have.  Our focus is on what we want to 'get' out of and from our goal setting, but we spend little time reflecting on what that achievement will make of us.  We are all shaped by our experiences in some way.  What we live through, the way we approach and experience it, will shape the person we become.  It therefore makes sense to devote some time to considering, and planning, our Becoming.

“The major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get.”  Jim Rohn

We can all set goals that are achievable, allowing us to check them off the list and feel good about ourselves in being able to do so.  However, asking ourselves whether that goal aided us in becoming 'more' of the person we want and hope to be, is likely going to be a more challenging criteria.

Instead of simply establishing that almost inevitable New Year's resolution of weight-loss (come on... we all likely have a few pounds to lose after the holidays!) consider instead that the goal is not simply to lose weight.  In Planning your Becoming you take this a step further.  Perhaps you have always struggled to lose the weight, or perhaps your challenge was not in losing but in keeping the weight off.  The goal then is not truly to merely lose the weight but to gain the ability to remain with a lifestyle plan that allows you to create and maintain a healthy weight.  What do you need to 'become' in order to make this true of you?  A weight-loss plan merely becomes the vehicle by which you become the type of person that no longer needs a conscious weight-loss plan with a definitive start and stop, you simply 'are' the weight you want to to be, leading a lifestyle that supports that - effortlessly.

Your efforts shift slightly as your focus shifts.  No longer are you rewarding and celebrating each pound lost as the milestone, but instead rewarding the resiliency to stick with the plan, you recognise each donut you say no to as a nod to your determination, each sit-up and push-up as a testament to your internal strength and determination.

These are the life-lessons that surround us, that have not only helped shape the person that we have Become thus far, but that continue to shape us into the person we will be in the future.  Who do you want to be? Craft and plan now for your Becoming.  Build goals that test and strengthen and build the character traits you admire, the skills you want to possess, the values you believe in.  It's not simply about checking things off of the list, it's about checking the right things off.

Take a look at your list of resolutions and goals for the year and assess what their accomplishment truly means to you.  What life lessons will they provide, what character traits do they support or allow you to test or discover, what values do they build?  Who you Become is within you to create.  Begin shaping it consciously by establishing goals and accomplishments that support your Becoming.

Everything we do teaches us something about ourselves.  Spend your time wisely, teaching yourself those things that are worth learning.

When being the Best isn't always the Best thing to be!

We are often told that, if we want to be successful, we should do what successful people do.  It would seem to make sense then to sit down with the expert, the person who is a 'pro' at what you want to do, and find out how they did it.  If you can dissect their actions, then you will be in a position to replicate their process and achieve similar results.  

This, however, is often proven to be better in theory than in actuality.  It seems that those who are great at what they do may not truly understand how they did everything to get them there.  This is as true in business as it is in sports.  In the film clip below, Malcolm Gladwell discusses why a Professional Tennis Player may not be the best person to ask in determining 'how' to become a great tennis player.



As it turns out, the sports Pros may not be positioned well to teach you what they do because they do it instinctively.  It isn't a rational decision they make, it's a reaction or response to stimuli.  What Gladwell doesn't mention in this clip though is that there are people who are positioned to help you improve your game.  Those people are the coaches.  These are the people that have broken the moves down, who have studied what it takes to succeed; which is why they are there coaching the pros.

When you are looking for direction on how to become the best, your time may be better served in learning from those that helped the Best in Class get there, than in questioning those who have made it.  Look to those who have guided the success of others, and not just themselves, for they understand what is necessary and are better positioned to help you find ways that will work for you.  Most pros know what it took for them to get there but are not well-positioned to offer you alternative routes.  

We see this happen in business where, for example, you have a sales rep out in the field who is just killing it.  They are by-far out-selling all others and so, naturally, they get promoted.  The assumption is that they will now teach those reporting to them 'how to do it'.  The organization is hoping to now not just have one person in the field selling like crazy but a whole team of 'em.  But... it just doesn't happen.  Turns out... that sales rep turned manager doesn't know how to describe what they do to create rapport.  They can't truly explain how the 'magic' works.  Sure, they make up stuff to share and to get others working on replicating, but it turns out like that recipe you got from your grandma where it seems to be missing that one ingredient!  Getting there and explaining 'how' to get there are not the same skill.  Sometimes it it better to leave that amazing, exceptional person alone, doing what makes them amazing and exceptional and promote the person who understands the steps to helping others be amazing and exceptional.  

Being the Best is an admirable goal.  But, if you are looking to help grow and develop others, you don't need to be the Best at what you coach in, you just need to be the best coach.  Two different skills.  Make sure that you get what you need from those better positioned to give it to you.


  

The key to having, being and doing more...

I have been spending this long weekend landscaping the yard of our new house.  This has meant we have
been busy building new fencing, digging new garden beds, planting trees, shrubs and flowering plants, creating the layout for the new patio still to be laid.  A lot of work but... all permanent changes that enhance the usability of the backyard and enhance the value of the home.  All in all...  a good investment.

It got me wondering about many of my clients though.  How much time do they invest in themselves, in enhancing their marketability?  In today's workplace, if you aren't learning then you aren't increasing your earning power.  You will, at best, stay where you are but, more likely, fall behind those willing to do what it takes to get ahead.

I often hear from clients that there just aren't enough hours in the day or week to be able to spend time on developing themselves, whether working out their brain or their bodies.  I simply don't understand how you can afford not to.  My frustration certainly increases when these self-same people have little difficulty in finding the time to keep up with the plot of their favourite television shows.  I don't have anything against you kicking back and enjoying your favourite show, but don't lose hours a day to the television and then lament your lack of time.  The time you spend in front of the television is your current investment in yourself.  How serious are you about developing your skills, getting ahead and earning more?

I understand that you might work for an organization that does not invest in the training and development of its employees.  Budgets are tight all over.  However, you should care about you enough to make an investment in you.  You might not have the ability to take time off work to attend a training program, or the money to pay for it yourself, but you can afford a book and you can certainly afford a library card to go and borrow one.

You want to be more successful?  Read.
You want to make more money?  Read.

The solution is simple.  To have more, to be more, to do more... Read more.

The easiest way to get better at anything is to emulate those already doing it.  Many of them are generous enough to put their path down on paper, to help guide those that are willing to learn to follow.  Read those books.  Follow their steps.

Here's my challenge. Set a goal to read a little every day, to read one book a month.  One business/career enhancing book a month!  As you read you are looking for that one insight, that one AHA nugget of information that you can apply to your life, your job, that gives you a 1% advantage over those around you that have not read or learned this truth.  At the end of the year those nuggets add up to give you a serious competitive advantage over those around you not investing in themselves.

I have no shortage of books that have opened me to new ideas and concepts, that have introduced me to new ways of thinking and seeing the world, that have helped me to learn from someone else's mistakes so that I didn't need to repeat them, that have shifted me in profound ways to being more than I was before opening its pages.  I want this for you.  You need to want it for you.

1 book a month.   Your competitive advantage.

To help get you started, here are my most recent book purchases that I am convinced will be great reads for you, giving you more than a nugget of information and truth to follow...

Investing in... You!

If you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well:  Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.      Jim Rohn

Many people in business make the mistake of believing that the company will take care of their development.   After all, it's part of that yearly 'plan', part of the 'review' process isn't it?  Consider though, whose best interests does the organization truly have in mind?  Are they looking to your growth or their needs?  Don't think for a second that they are always synonymous.  Consider also the commitment the company has to your growth when training budgets are being cut or what happens to your development when the money has been spent. That's it for you for the year? No more learning?

Don't leave your growth and development in the hands of someone who in no way could possibly care about you and your future the way that you should.  All too often I have clients who say that they aren't personally going to pay for a course because that's the company's responsibility.  If 'they' aren't paying for it then 'they' aren't going to benefit from it.  But who really benefits?  Warren Buffet puts it this way...

Generally speaking, investing in yourself is the best thing you can do.  Anything that improves your own talents; nobody can tax it or take it away from you.  They can run up huge deficits and the dollar can become worth far less.  You can have all kinds of things happen.  But if you've got talent yourself, and you've maximized your talent, you've got a tremendous asset that can return ten-fold.

Investing in yourself is the single most important investment that you can make in your lifetime.  If you want to have 'more' in your life than you currently have, in any facet of your life, you have to become more than you currently are.  We shouldn't consider that we are students only when at school.  Life is the biggest school that there is and we are therefore all students as long as we continue to breathel.  Start living your life as a student, become that life-long learner.

Focusing on your development means that you are constantly evolving and creating opportunities for yourself.  Many of those opportunities are ones that you likely wouldn't have envisioned for yourself previously because you didn't 'know' what was possible.  Uncover your possibilities by using some of the following suggestions to contribute to your growth.

• Take a course.  On line, in person... it doesn't matter.  What's something that you have always been interested in?  Go out and take a course in it, learn about it.  There are tons of free courses offered by many universities, even MIT offers free open courseware.  How cool would it be to take a course from MIT?
• Read a book.  You want to play with the big-wigs around the senior table?  Read what they are reading.  Learn the latest buzz words and theories.  Bring something new to the table by getting a jump start on something still in their 'to be read' pile!  Look for new ideas that could be applied to your area. I typically have 3 books on the go at once and am never without at least one in my briefcase (more if I have my ipad with me!).  If I find myself with downtime because a client is running late I spend time with a book rather than checking on the latest facebook post.  
• Follow blogs.     Many subject matter experts are writing regular blogs where you can follow some of their latest thoughts.  Consider subscribing to their feeds or set yourself up on something like alltop.com where you can key in what your interests are and what blogs you'd like to follow.  They compile it for you on your personalized home page, making it a one-stop resource.  Add and delete as your interests and focus shifts.  When you find yourself with a moment or two, check out some of the titles, and read a post that hits home.  Not sure what or who you'd like to follow?  Give Stumbleupon a try and see what you come across.  Follow or bookmark sites that interest you.
• Create learning files.  I love using a 'shared' system like dropbox for this.  Whenever I am browsing for one thing on the internet, I inevitably stumble across an article, website, resource relating to something else.  Instead of getting pulled off track or losing out on the new information, I save it to my dropbox file so that I can return to it when I have a moment.  This means that whenever I find myself with a moment or two (waiting for appointments is always a popular one!) I access that file from any device and catch up on items I might have missed otherwise.  Sometimes important and informative, sometimes merely interesting, they often come together down the road in unexpected ways.
• Listen to books.  Many people don't like reading themselves, in which case audio books are a great alternative.  I love reading, but I listen to books in my car all the time.  If you spend time in a commute, spend time in the gym or on long runs, want to listen to something while you work on finishing that car engine or jigsaw puzzle, consider listening to a book, lecture or training program rather than music.  Use the time you have to learn something you might need.
• Check out TED talks.  If you haven't already you should.  Here you can listen to talks from the best of the best.  If you only have 5 minutes, do a search on 5 minute talks.  Search by topic, see what's new.  I have watched some talks on topics that I didn't think I'd be interested in only to be fascinated by new science, new technology, new research.  A great resource to access and a great platform for learning.  Or give youtube a closer look.  It is much more than simply a place to watch viral videos or talking animals.  

 Become what you need yourself to be to achieve what you want.  It's that simple and that challenging.  It does require you to start though.  Do one thing each day to move you forward.  Reading this was a good place to start.

Out on a Limb

We do our best work when we are out on a limb.  No, not 'good' work, not 'gee I met deadline and
budget' work, not 'that'll keep me employed and might give me a raise at the end of the year work', I mean our very BEST work, our 'This will change the face of how people see me, buy stuff, think about stuff' work.

When we are out on a limb we are leading.  We hope others will see our vision and follow, but we start by being out there on our own making change.  We are pushing, pulling, stretching, transforming, challenging  the status quo in some way, and that requires us to take a risk.  We risk being mocked and ridiculed.  We risk being seen as wrong.  We risk being out on that limb alone... for a very long time... before others 'get' it and begin to follow us and we risk being out there alone with no one following us... ever.  

The problem, of course, is that it is damn uncomfortable out there on that limb.  Fear of falling (read... FAILING) keeps us playing it safe hugging the tree (read... maintaining the STATUS QUO).  Fear can make us give in to the pressures of others around us to conform.  Worrying about what our audience will think and say about what we're doing though will keep us tree-hugging forever.  In order to step away from the tree, and out on that limb, we have to be willing to let go of the thought that not everyone will 'get it', that not everyone will 'like it', that not everyone will 'buy it'.  And worse, of course, is the personalization of  'it', that people won't get us, like us, buy into us.

The sad truth though is that too many of us spend our lives hugging the tree and never step out to discover what we are capable of.  Our fears keep us clinging to the comfort and safety of the trunk and we fail to stretch ourselves, showing the world our very best selves.  

Where would we be if many before us had not gone out on a limb?

• Christopher Columbus
• Charles Darwin
• Albert Einstein
• Benjamin Franklin

And consider the impact of Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerburg or, even... Sir Thomas Crapper (inventor of the flush toilet... seriously!)

The limb you step out on need not be one that will change the face of the world, but if you are taking a risk on something it will mean change of some kind, even if on a smaller scale, even if only of one... you.  Too nervous to try?  Test it out by going out on a limb a little closer to the ground first, one which has less of a fall.  There's less of a risk, less of a change involved, but it is still a step forward, still a step toward strengthening your balancing skills - preparing you for those limbs higher up.

I'm implementing some changes this year, in my business and personal life, that have me precariously perched on a limb that seems pretty high up there to me.  It represents big challenges and risks but I believe it's the next step for me and for my growth.  I hope that you will join me out there at some point, that you follow me as I make those steps and changes, but I am stepping out on that limb regardless.  It is going to be scary, it will be intimidating and I know it could be a big fall for me but, and here's the big plus for those of you ready to step out on a limb of your own... I hear the view is great from up there!

Beware the Critics!

Have you ever received 'constructive' feedback that truly wasn't that constructive? Feedback that was more of a critical diatribe than anything practical or useful?

All too often people today are quick to criticize but slow to offer any truly constructive suggestions for improvement. Doing so would mean having spent time thinking about solutions for you and most people just aren't willing to invest the time. Talking about what's wrong, what doesn't work for them, what they don't like is easy. Being clear about what they want instead... well... that takes some thought. Unfortunately, many of your biggest critics don't happen to be the biggest thinkers.

The truth is...if you do something poorly... people will criticize you.
The truth also is... if you do something well... people will criticize you.

Your challenge, of course, is recognizing which critics to pay attention to. True feedback will always come with a clear understanding of not just what was 'wrong', but what is 'better'. Criticism without direction is simply an attack and more likely to stop you dead in your tracks and prevent forward movement then it is to create a course change and spur your momentum.

Additionally, those offering their critical insights often do so from a completely different world view than your own. Any behaviours that deviate from their view of what's 'right' must therefore be 'wrong' and corrected.  Listening to this feedback and making adjustments to your direction as a result of it only serves to take you from your chosen path and shifts you onto theirs. You must be diligent in ensuring that any critics you listen to are those that will serve you in moving further in your desired direction... not theirs.

Criticism that serves you is helpful. Criticism that serves the other party is useless.  It's critical for you to know the difference. Pay close attention to the critic. If they are neither someone you like or respect, that's a good starting point for knowing you should probably ignore their input. Listening to, let alone acting on, anything they have to say will likely prove a waste of your time and talent.

Rewrite your Labels, Rewire your Brain!

We all act according to our personal definitions of ourselves, those labels that we attach to the picture of ourselves we hold in our heads. If your label for yourself says that you're 'shy' then it comes complete with a list of behaviours that you will typically engage in, that epitomize your view of 'shyness'.  But it also comes complete with a list of behaviours that are opposite to your definition that you therefore do not display.  This list looks like a running commentary of impossibilities, each typically prefaced by a statement such as:

• I can't...
• I'm not...
• I don't...

Unfortunately, each of these is also stated in absolute terms.  It's these phrases that form the basis of our limiting beliefs, those beliefs that inhibit us from doing, trying or becoming sometimes the very things that we want for ourselves.

To move forward, we have to challenge these limiting belief systems.  We have to reframe them to more positive statements that at least serve to open us to possibilities rather than cutting us off from them.  For example, 

• I'm not athletic.  [Result - you won't engage in any athletic activity]

Reframe it instead as...

• I am athletic 'enough'.  [Result - it creates the possibility for you to participate in athletic activities.  It frees you from having to be great at them, or even good. You are athletic 'enough' to get off the couch and 'do' it! All too often we stop ourselves from engaging in activity we would enjoy, simply because we think we might not be any good at it. Think instead of only needing to be good enough. Far more open a belief!

Consider the statement...

• I am not good at speaking in public.  [Result - I don't deliver presentations or speak up in meetings, costing me precious visibility within the company]

Reframe it instead...

• I am able to speak convincingly with others, regardless of venue.  [ Result - this sets the mindset that you will be confident and capable of speaking in public, allowing your brain to set you up for success instead of failure! The brain likes to give you what you ask of it.  Ask it to fail and it will. Ask for something positive and specific and it is far more likely to ensure that's what you get]

Now sit down and start examining your limiting beliefs.  Listen for the times in your head that you fail to attempt something because that voice is telling you...  I can't, I don't, I'm not.  Those are your cues to examine and rewrite those beliefs.  Rewiring the way that your brain thinks about certain activities will open you to experience more success in your life.  

Be the Change, Be Your Change

I recently watched the movie 'Machine Gun Preacher', about ex-drug-dealing biker Sam Childers and his ongoing support of 100's of homeless Sudanese children.  Then, this week I, like over 30 million others, watched the viral YouTube video Kony 2012, Invisible Children's efforts to dedicate the year 2012 to not only helping raise awareness of the atrocities and crimes committed by the LRA's leader Joseph Kony, but to create enough outcry that those with power are compelled to take action.

Kony has been wanted by the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity for decades, and yet he continues to abduct children from their homes, forcing young girls to becomes sex slaves and young boys to become soldiers in his army.  To date it is estimated that he has taken more than 30,000 children.  Their voices have not been loud enough for resources to have been committed to the search and capture of Kony, but the Kony 2012 initiative is designed to lend our voices to theirs.

This is a campaign initiated by a few, who were also told that their voice was too small to make a difference, that were told they would not be able to create the change in the world they wanted to see.  However, they were unwilling to accept this answer and to accept that wrong could be allowed to persevere. Instead, they looked for a way to make it happen, to create the momentum for change.  They found their voice...





This is the big-scale picture of change.

My message to each of you today is not based on the need for each of you to get involved with this campaign,  this is not a blog focusing on political action or global change initiatives.  This is a blog focusing on personal change, personal growth and empowerment.  Instead, consider this a call to not only help change the world but to perhaps begin to make the personal changes you need to... for you, by beginning to embrace the message that the young people of Invisible Children did, that

We CAN make a difference,
We CAN be the voice of change.

And, in particular, that we can be the difference we want and need in OUR lives.  It is never too late to begin to live the life we want.  We just need two things to make it happen.  Clarity and Courage.

Clarity.  

• Clarity of Purpose (What do you want?)
• Clarity of Possession (What do you have?)
• Clarity of Person (What do you need?)

Courage.  To take the first step.

Invisible Children are working to ignite the world, envisioning change on a global scale.  They didn't back down when told they could not, they simply looked for new ways to fulfil their 'I Can'.  The biggest audience for their video are young women from 13-17 years and young men from 13-24.  Our children have learned 'I can'.  We have helped to shape a generation that can see how their one voice can make a difference, that it can, when added to the voices of others, change the world.

How can you then deny to yourself the power of your voice to envision, and create the change that you want and need in your life?  You have as much power as you need to make it happen.  You need only to create change for one, by influencing the actions of one.  Be your one.  Because, in the end...

You are the difference you want to see in your life, so begin by going out and doing something different.... today.

Defence Mechanisms - What ones are you using?

Defence Mechanisms.  We all use them.  These are the unconscious protective measures we take to protect ourselves from our anxieties, to avoid confronting our weaknesses.  In the short term they typically work to help us to manage the stress,to cope with messages and situations, allowing us to slowly come to terms with our thoughts and experiences.  In the long term though, our defence mechanisms may serve as barriers to our own learning and growth, preventing us from coming to terms with our experiences and growing beyond them.  Learning to recognise your defence mechanisms of choice can sometimes help you to unmask your barriers and learn to move beyond the initial hurt and anxiety.

According to Anna and Sigmund (Freud that is!), there are 9 key defence mechanisms...

1.  Denial.  This has to be the most common and generic of the defence mechanisms (and really, have any of us not used this at one time or another?).  Denial occurs when we refuse to accept the reality of a fact or experience, we argue against an anxiety provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist perhaps that it never even happened.  You may see this in people who distance themselves from their bad habits by insisting that they are only social drinkers or smokers, or perhaps someone who denies that their physician is correct in their diagnosis of cancer and continues to seek out other opinions rather than beginning treatment. 

2.  Repression.  This simply means you forget that something bad happened to you.  Just as someone may 'forget' sexual abuse from their childhood, due to the trauma and anxiety it caused, repression serves to create a buffer between you and the event.  In the short term this may be a necessary method of coping with the pain, but in the longer term it may have an unavoidable impact on the way in which you view yourself or relationships in general if not recognised.  Repression may even result in your unconscious 'forgetting' an upcoming event that you dread attending as a means of avoiding it entirely.

3.  Regression.  In this defence mechanism we tend to revert to a childlike emotional state (a previous stage of development) where your unconscious fears and anxieties generally reappear.  In short, you are likely to have a more childlike reaction to the stress you are under; throwing a temper tantrum, refusing to talk when mad, sitting in a corner and crying, running to your room, slamming doors...  if you are a parent you know these signs!

4.  Displacement.  This occurs when you transfer your feelings and take out your impulses on a less threatening target.  For example, punching the wall instead of hitting someone, yelling at your spouse or kids because you're mad at your boss.

5.  Projection.  Instead of recognising and accepting a particular quality in ourselves (which might not be that appealing or comfortable for us) we 'project' it onto others and instead accuse them of having those thoughts and feelings.  In essence, whatever we don't 'like' about ourselves we see in others. An example would be when we're losing an argument we accuse the other person of being 'stupid'.  Homophobia would be another.

6.  Reaction Formation.  This is when we mask our true feelings by adopting the exact opposite, because the true feeling causes us anxiety.  For example; we lust after someone we feel we shouldn't so they become the target of our hatred; we have a bias against a particular race or culture and so we embrace them to the extreme.

7.  Intellectualization.  Is the avoidance or neutralization of unacceptable or uncomfortable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects.  We deal with the logical aspects to avoid feeling or dealing with the pain.  For instance, focusing on the details of a funeral, rather than the sadness and grief we feel.

8.  Rationalization.  This is somewhat similar to intellectualization but it deals more with supplying a logical or rational reason for some negative action we have taken, as opposed to the real reason.  Often it is easier to blame others for our behaviour than to face up to what we were feeling, or why we did what we did.  Rather than accepting our poor performance as the reason for being fired we create the explanation that the boss never liked us and always had it in for us.

9.  Sublimation.  This tends to be a much more long term strategy, in which we act out our unacceptable impulses in a socially acceptable way.  In this mechanism we transform our conflicted emotions into more productive outlets.  Dealing with aggressive impulses by taking up boxing or martial arts would be an example.

Certainly you it would be difficult to read over the list above and not see yourself in some of them.  We all need to create some distance between ourselves and our emotions at times.  However, we don't want to be at the mercy of these defence mechanisms and have them create such a bugger between us and our experiences that we are unable to learn or grow from them.  There can be tremendous growth that comes out of our experiences, but we have to be present to those experiences for that growth to occur.  Next time you catch yourself using one of the above, take a moment to ask yourself what emotion you are defending yourself against, and what you can learn from it.  The point is not to wallow in the emotion but to discover the life lesson it contains.  Embracing the lesson is all about moving forward toward something better.  And really...  who would want anything less for themselves?

The Art of Mastery

What does it take to achieve true mastery, whether in a skill, a subject or an activity? The answer seemingly is straightforward and simple...practice. What is not so simple perhaps is the amount of practice required. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book The Outliers, speaks about the 10,000 hour rule. Studies from various disciplines show consistently that 10,000 hours of practice are required to achieve the level of mastery needed to be considered a world-class expert in anything. 10,000 hours.

In fact, no one has yet been able to document a case of someone whose mastery was achieved in anything less than that. Practice is therefore the key to becoming truly excellent at anything requiring:

• Clarity of intention
• Dedication of effort
• Focus of mind
• Commitment to achievement

What then for those of us that are only beginning our journey into mastery? Do we feel weighed down by the seeming impossibility of ever achieving that magical number of 10,000 hours and give up before beginning? I believe this question should be answered with a clear and resounding NO!

 “ The Master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence in whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both. -- Zen Buddhist Text

The important catch-phrase in the 10,000 hour rule, that most seem to miss, is that it is a requirement for achieving 'world-class' mastery. Your goal of personal mastery can be something less than world dominance in a field. In fact, you need only look to your field and strategically plan for 20%, perhaps 10%, better than those around you to be considered an expert. Let's face it, even doing 1% better, knowing 1% more, achieving 1% greater results can often be enough to put you ahead of the game being played by those around you.

Regardless of your target though, mastery both begins and ends with practice. You have to put in the time to net the results and it is this time that separates the achievers from the non-achievers. Those that are truly dedicated to gaining a level of mastery over a subject, a discipline, an activity, will invest the time needed to learn and develop an area.

I heard an alarming statistic this weekend. The average American tends to spend 4 hours a day watching television. This is 4 hours a day that they are not working on or practicing their mastery of anything. 4 hours a day that they choose not to dedicate toward becoming excellent at something. To take this statistic even further, consider that if you take someone in their teens, through to the age of 66, those four hours a day turn into 13 years. 13 years of your life that you have devoted yourself to watching television rather than devoting yourself to your development.

A further thought...the biggest reason I am given by clients as to why they have not taken action on a desired goal is that they did not have time. My follow up question of course is whether they had watched any television in that same week in which they had not found any time to work on their stated purpose. (and yes, YouTube counts!) The answer of course was that they had. Could you have responded differently?

I'm not suggesting that you run home and sell your television sets, but I am suggesting that you take a serious and long look at where and how you could be investing your time to develop your level of expertise. The fastest way to a promotion and increased career opportunities is to become better at what you do, to develop your level of mastery. Even small investments of time can accumulate big results.

For instance...

1/2 hour per day spent in study and practice would give you a total of 78 hours of study over the course of a year. Given an 8 hour workday, this represents the equivalent of just under 10 business days of focus and growth.

Would you not be significantly ahead of your competition at the end of a year in which you set aside just 30 minutes a day to practice, hone and refine your craft, to dedicate to extending your level and area of expertise? The answer seems pretty clear to me.

Your choice then...Master or Disciple? How you choose to spend your time will contribute greatly to the answer to this question not to mention what you achieve and experience in your life.

The Joy of Learning

I am writing this blog post, early in the morning, with my iPad and I both huddled under the covers while my roommate sleeps on. I feel a little like a kid at camp must, who has been told that it's lights out and who, instead, huddles with friends under the blankets with a flashlight, telling ghost stories.

Why am I not taking advantage of the time away from the day-to-day household noise, enjoying the lovely hotel bed that I won't have to make, sleeping in for a change? Because I am away attending an amazing conference and I am too excited about what I am learning. I can't wait to get home and start applying it. I can't wait for the day to get started so I can get into the conference room and learn more. My mind seems overloaded with new thoughts, ideas and concepts. And yet...it miraculously opens up to new thoughts, making room in a space that had previously seemed full to bursting.

Although I do feel a sense of overwhelm and do experience questions in my mind concerning what I am going to do with all of this new information, I am far too excited and jazzed about everything to allow anything to break my buzz.

Here's my question to you. When was the last time you felt like this? When was the last time you allowed yourself to be a student and opened yourself to learning something new? And not just something new...something that got you excited, ideas that you could feel physically, with an almost butterflies in the stomach kind of wonder?

This is how we felt as children when we were learning. We experienced the wonder of new ideas. We let them sink in and connect with other things we had learned until we then asked questions to increase our understanding and strengthen those links. And not just one or two questions, we asked QUESTIONS! We weren't concerned with what other people thought about the quality of our questions, we were solely focused on our own understanding. We wanted to know, we wanted to understand and, perhaps most importantly, we wanted to learn more.

As I prepare to head out to experience my final day of this conference, I invite you all to crawl out from under your covers with me and open yourself to new ideas and thoughts today. Adopt the learning model and pose of a child. Look at the new idea with wonder, not skepticism; with joy, not reluctance; with excitement, not dread.

This is my new motto, and I invite you all to explore and perhaps even adopt THIS new idea... To learn as a child. You might just be surprised to rediscover the pure pleasure of learning.