The Stories We're Told

Most of us can think back and recall warm moments when we were young, sitting cuddled on a parent's lap while they read to us. As adults we can also remember replaying those same moments with our own children or with beloved nieces or nephews. What is it that we were sharing with these children of ours? Warmth? Love? Caring? A love of books? Perhaps all of these elements. Interestingly, though, we may have also shared more than we intended, especially when it came to shaping the minds and belief systems of our young daughters and nieces.

A 12 year study was conducted of top award-winning children's books. The study was undertaken to review the hidden messages that we inadvertently communicate to our children. The results?

• On average, there was only one female character for every three male characters
• There was only one female 'leader' character to every ten male 'leader' characters
• There were over 100 different occupations that were held by the male characters while there were only 50 different occupations held by the female characters
• The five top female occupations in the children's books?
• Housewife
• Witch
• Dancer
• Singer
• Artist

Other favoured female occupations? You have to know that teacher and princess were in the top ten!

Now, think back to your favourite stories from your childhood. How correct is this study? If you're like most of the women we've spoken to, the above figures are a fairly accurate reflection of the stories they were told when young. Most of the women remember best the stories of Snow White and Cinderella. In each story the female lead character was a victim that needed 'rescuing'. By a prince, no less.

How too did these stories impact the perceptions and expectations of others around us? One female senior executive shared her struggle to 'make it' in the world of engineering.

"What was most interesting to me was not the resistance that I got from the men in my classes or from the work-world. I expected that. It was the resistance that I got from my mother and grandmother. The field that I had chosen for myself just didn't fit with their expectations. They had wanted me to be a teacher. It's funny now though. The aspect of my job that I enjoy the most is coaching and mentoring young women in engineering. Guess I'm teaching after all!"

This is an example of a woman that fought against some of the stories she was told as she grew up. How many of us though still hold many of those stories in our heads, measuring ourselves against them each day? How often do we come up lacking?

Think of our seeming need to express and measure our womanhood by the cleanliness of our homes or the number of after-school activities our children are engaged in. How many of us think we are somehow lacking if we 'fail' to make home-cooked meals for our families, feeling guilt overcome us each time that 'Martha' appears on screen?  After all, baking from scratch is 'A good thing' right?

Whatever happened to telling our daughters about women that struggled to manage raising three kids and hold a full-time job? A woman that might not have managed to have the house perfectly in order, the smell of fresh bread baking when others awoke or a drink in hand for hubby when he came home, but a woman that managed to have a hug and kiss for her kids when she saw them at the end of their school day, despite having gone to work with baby spit-up on her collar, getting yelled at by the boss for something he forgot to do, putting a run in her hose while trying to juggle two sacks of groceries and the dry cleaning out of the car, while mentally wondering what would defrost quickly enough to feed everyone?

Spend a few moments right now thinking about the stories you hold in your head that create images of perfection that just don't fit with life today. I don't mean your life, I mean anyone's life! What ideals are you holding yourself to that leave you feeling like you're always falling short, despite all of your best efforts?

Only by coming to understand what these myths and stories are can we begin to refute their relevance to our lives. Once we acknowledge the stories we're still holding onto and the fallacies they represent can we then recognise and appreciate in ourselves how much we've done and continue to do.

Ultimately, it's up to us, because there is no fairy godmother or knight on a white horse in our world folks. We need to consciously create the standards we're trying to live up to and not be driven by comparisons to some story we were told by others. We need to start telling ourselves better and more realistic stories because I'm willing to bet that even Cinderella had trouble fitting into that damn show after she turned 40!

Silence is Not Consent

You've all been there, you've all experienced it.  You're in a meeting where you have been discussing a very hotly debated topic for what seems like hours. Finally someone says... 'So we're in agreement on how to move forward?'  There are a couple of vocal yeses, a few half-hearted yeahs, a couple of head nods and a few team members who remain silent.  A couple of weeks later that same team leader is surprised to discover that not everyone is moving forward as 'agreed'.  The team leader is even more surprised when questioning team members who have not taken action and they indicate that they 'never agreed to anything'.

Traditionally silence has been taken to mean that the individual has no objections to give voice to and that they therefore consent. We see this play out within the workplace, within our personal relationships and within society, where a lack of response to an action is taken as a sign of approval.

Silence is not and should never be construed as consent

However, silence can mean different things to different people at different times.  Someone's silence is therefore open for interpretation.  If your definition of silence does not align with mine, we will likely experience some issues.

Silence can mean...

• I agree
• I'm tired of talking about it
• I'm abstaining
• I'm reserving my right to weigh in on the topic later
• I don't agree but want to avoid further discussion or argument
• I can't be bothered discussing this
• I'm not paying attention and didn't hear what you said
• I'm just going to do what I want 

People who are uncomfortable with confrontation are likely to use silence as a means of avoiding any unpleasant discussions. They create 'wiggle room' for themselves through silence.  They aren't in agreement and are likely to go off and do whatever it was they wanted to do in the first place.  Not formally agreeing means to them that they are free to do what they wish.  

Quiet people's silence is typically reflective of the fact that they are still formulating their response. Talkers like to talk it out while Thinkers like to think it out. Quiet people are silent simply because they are not yet prepared to share their thoughts.  Speaking 'now' is on your timetable, not theirs. 

Just because no one's complaining doesn't mean everyone's agreeing!

When it is important to ensure that you have full agreement and support on a given action, it is far better to poll the group members individually.  It may take more time but it is best to ensure that there are no concerns or reservations up front of the implementation.  Addressing issues now prevents them from becoming huge barriers down the road.

Additionally, when asked directly if you are prepared to commit to something, giving voice to your support actually helps you to solidify your commitment. There are numerous studies in Influence that demonstrate the positive impact of gaining that upfront concession from members.  

Silence is not always golden. When you need to gain support on an idea or new initiative, don`t mistake someone`s silence for agreement.  Instead, make a point of asking each contributor directly whether they are in agreement with the tabled proposal. 

As it turns out, silence may mean many things; agreement is only one meaning and rarely the correct one.

5 Steps to Building your Self Confidence

Perhaps one of the most common requests that I receive from my coaching clients is for guidance on how to feel more Confident. Perhaps one of the most highly prized, and envied, characteristics of leaders is their confidence, that ease and belief they have in their ability to make things happen.

We know also that highly confident people tend to: get promoted more and faster, be seen as more attractive, make more money, be seen as charismatic, be remembered longer, be viewed as more decisive, smarter, and even taller.  In fact, the list is far longer than this but it all stems from the projection of confidence.

This is all well and good for those that possess confidence, that belief in their ability to perform, but what about those of us that could do with a little more of this quality?  That struggle to find it in ourselves to believe in ourselves?

The good news is that confidence is not something that you are simply born with, it is something that you can develop and grow.  To start it is helpful to have a clear idea of who you are, gaining a clear picture of what your current strengths and abilities and even weaknesses are.  You need to have a clear perspective of what you currently bring to the table, in order to know what to work on and what to promote.

If you need to gain a better perspective on this, complete the following exercise.  Divide a piece of paper into three columns and label them Strengths, Weaknesses, Accomplishments.

1. Strengths.  You want to understand the Strengths you possess because these are the areas that you are most likely going to want to promote to others and perhaps build your expertise around. 
2. Weaknesses.   I deliberately label the second column Weaknesses and not Developmental Needs because you don't want to waste time in developing weaknesses that aren't needed by your current job or that you do not possess an interest in.  You can't be good at everything so don't waste time that could be spent creating excellence in a strength just to create mediocrity out of an unnecessary weakness.  
3. Accomplishments.  The third column requires you to compile a list of your Accomplishments to date.  Large or small you have them.  Don't stop until you have listed at least 20. Any obstacle you have overcome in life is an accomplishment.  Anything you did that you felt a sense of pride in doing or attempting is an accomplishment.  If you struggle with completing any of your columns then consider enlisting the aid of a few close friends.  Ask them to complete the form for you, using their responses to help you gain some perspective on strengths and accomplishments that you are failing to recognise and give yourself credit for.  

Many find that just completing the exercise above helps them to already feel more confident about themselves and what they offer.  It is sometimes far too easy to lose sight of everything that we have accomplished, everything we do possess strength in when we are only focused on what we lack.  We are all a constant mix of strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.  It is important to always be looking at the full picture and not just a portion.  As good a starting point as this is though, I offer the following 5 tips for helping you to continue to gain and strengthen your confidence.

• Focus on Learning and Improving.  Developing our skills and knowledge about something can increase our confidence and belief in our abilities in that area.  Often our lack of confidence stems from our belief that we don't know enough or that we lack the necessary skill. Use your understanding of your strengths to build your skills and talents.  We can't be great at everything, but we can all be great at something.  Pick your area and focus on strengthen your skills in that area.  

• Don't aim for Perfect.  Making mistakes is normal.  Use them as an opportunity to learn. Not leaving any mental room for the possibility of mistakes can undermine our confidence, feeding into the belief that we can't do it.  Instead, expect mistakes, learn from them and move on.  

"A person, who never made a mistake, never tried anything new"    Albert Einstein

• Start Small.  It is the act of doing and accomplishing things that builds our confidence to do more and other in future.  Even small steps have a positive impact.  Take action, get it done and build positive proof of your ability.  Doing things builds your confidence, worrying about doing them builds your fear.  Take action.

 "Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment"  Thomas Carlyle

•  Do Your Homework.  There is no substitute for preparation.  The more prepared you are for something, the more confident you will be in your ability to achieve it.  Don't focus on how much better prepared you 'wish' you were, focus on being as prepared as time and circumstances allow.  Preparation, of however much, is always better than none.

• Keep a Success Log.  As you likely discovered, trying to recall our accomplishments can be a difficult task.  Far better to maintain an ongoing Success Log, in which you continuously record your victories, both large and small, as they occur.  As we continue to focus forward, on all we want to accomplish, it can become far too easy for us to lose sight of all of the successes that got us to this point, or to minimize their value and import.  Recording them as they occur will help to remind you of everything you overcame to get to where you are, helping you to minimize any doubts you may have about your abilities to overcome barriers in the future.

Our confidence is not static, it rises and falls in the face of different situations and their perceived level of challenge.  Use the above exercises and tips to help you to gain the level of confidence you need to face those challenges head-on, to become all that your meant and deserve to be.  I know that there is greatness in you and have every confidence in your uncovering it for yourself.  

The Other 'B' Word

Our words have power.  They can inspire or wound, excite or depress, delight or anger our audience.  We may choose our words with deliberation, in the express intent of instilling a particular feeling within our audience. The words we use can remain in the hearts and minds of our audience for years, even decades, continuing the mission we originally set for them.  Consider the ongoing power of the speech highlighted by four simple words - I Have a Dream.

One of the challenges we face with our words though, is the impact they have when we are not looking, the impact they have when we utter them without deliberation or conscious thought.  They often influence our audience in ways that we did not intend, could not imagine and, typically, would never have chosen. Following on the success of her book - Lean In (see link below if you have not yet taken the time to read this book!) - Sheryl Sandberg, COO of FaceBook, has once again chosen to continue her fight to make women more comfortable assuming Leadership roles within the workplace.

In her latest campaign she has chosen to raise public awareness of an insidious phrase that I have railed against for years, the 'B' word that has no place in Business - Bossy.  Although this may not, at first glance, seem to have the same negative as the 'other' popular female B-word, its roots often run far deeper and therefore have a greater negative impact.  Young girls learn early that to be called bossy is negative.  You will not be liked if you are bossy and will typically find yourself ostracized from your playgroups.  Bossy girls find themselves playing alone.  As a result, young girls learn quickly to modify their behaviour, not giving directions or taking on a leadership role, to 'blend-in', to 'fit-in', to be liked.  

Contrast this to little boys, who will often take on the role of leader within a given activity, giving directions, setting rules.  Once they have tired of that activity, another boy in the group suggests an activity and takes charge of it.  Leadership is accepted, typically expected, and is certainly rewarded.  Rarely are little boys labelled bossy.  Instead, they are applauded for taking on a leadership role.  Listen to the little girls, in the ABC news story about Sheryl Sandberg's 'Ban Bossy' campaign Here.  Listen to how they speak openly and convincingly of the need to avoid being labelled Bossy.  These young girls are already making decisions and choices that will serve to keep them from aspiring to leadership roles.

The words that we use often become the labels by which others view themselves and, in so doing, shape their future.  Banning Bossy is simply the metaphor used to draw attention to how insidious the development of gender stereotypes is, how pervasive it is, and to highlight how much we need to begin to openly challenge and change these Barriers to the Boardroom.

We'll know we have made it when little girls everywhere are confident in their declaration that they are not Bossy, they are The Boss!

Get a copy of Lean In, it's worth a read!

Toleration - in Moderation

There are so many things in life that we have, for our own sanity, learned to tolerate.  These are those aspects of our everyday life we have learned to overlook and step around to ease our frustration...

• endless line ups
• warm chai even when we've asked for 'extra hot'
• commutes
• constant road repairs or roads never being repaired
• bad service
• service people who can only promise 'sometime between 8am and 5pm

You get the idea.  To rail against all of these frustrations would create too much negativity and angst in our lives.  Instead, we learn to 'go with the flow', learning to accept (if not to also expect) and tolerate these frustrations.  My concern is not with many of these elements, I too have learned to cope with most of them.  My concern is with the 'habit' of toleration, the habits that lead us into unconsciously tolerating and accepting those things in our life that we should not.  There is a line that needs to be drawn in the sand that many miss, tolerating too much and compromising the quality of their lives and their happiness as a result.

As we enter this new year, we might want to consider introducing the new slogan of Toleration - in Moderation.  Learn to tolerate the small, petty annoyances... they will only drive you crazy otherwise and, in the grand scheme of things, likely don't have an impact on the quality or nature of your life.  However... do NOT continue to tolerate those that DO have an impact upon your life, work, happiness and esteem.  You are better than than and deserve better.

What should we stop tolerating in our lives?

• Being unhappy at work.  Find work that brings you fulfillment and joy, work that stretches you, challenges you, allows you to contribute.
• Staying in relationships that drain you of your energy, happiness, and sense of self.  Whether a friend, family member, lover or spouse.  Get out.
• Anyone treating us with less than the respect we deserve.  Any time.
• Negativity.  Surround yourself with those will lift you up, not bring you down, that help you to be and do more, not that make you feel like less.

There are, of course, elements in the world around us that are intolerable also that we must learn to stop accepting or expecting.  However, I believe that if we tolerate too much mistreatment of ourselves then it is logical that we would expect others to be mistreated.  Learning to set boundaries for ourselves, and to enforce them, helps us to develop and strengthen a voice that we can then lend to others, helping them to also find theirs. The movement starts with you.  Expect more for yourself, accept nothing less.  

Toleration...  in Moderation