Tip Thursday - The Brain Game

When it comes to the way that we tend to think, there are a number of biases and fallacies we
regularly fall into that have a highly influential effect upon our actions. One such bias is the Optimism Bias, which is a cognitive bias leading us to believe we are less at risk of experiencing a negative event than is someone else.

Smokes believe they are less at risk of cancer than are other smokers, drivers believe they are less likely to be in a car accident than others, traders believe they are less likely to lose money than their peers. The optimism bias influences many of the choices we make over the course of our lives, if not our days. However, overly positive assumptions can lead to miscalculations and poor choices like a failure to save for retirement, neglecting health issues or making a bad investment.

However, the optimism bias can also serve to motivate us and give us hope. As with all things, there is balance. Learning to recognise when our optimistic biases are leading us to make choices that don't serve us in the long term allows us to choose differently - ideally better. Conversely, there will be times when our optimistic tendencies will serve us well and should be allowed to instill us with the hope we need to persevere.

The challenge is in learning to differentiate the two.

The Workplace: Playground of the Bully Boss

According to a recent 2014 Workplace Bullying survey, Bullies abound in business.  More than 65 million workers in the US reported being affected by workplace bullying behaviour.  The Workplace Bullying Institute has found that, of those people reported having been repeatedly bullied in the workplace, 72% of those bullies were bosses.  It seems that as much as the schoolyard is the stomping ground of Bully boys and girls, the workplace is the playground of the Bully Boss.

Bullying in the workplace can take on many guises; yelling, cursing, losing temper, putting people down, negative and unfair criticism, discounting ideas, snide remarks, exploitation, and other controlling behaviours.  Taken on their own no one behaviour constitutes bullying, it's the continual and perpetual put downs and negative behaviours that create the abusive environment, serving to undermine the potential success of the employee.  The continual need to run a gauntlet of fear, every time they show up to work, takes a toll on the mental and physical health and well-being of the employee.

"Workplace bullying has become a silent epidemic in North America, one that has huge hidden costs in terms of employee well-being and productivity.  Also known as psychological harassment or emotional abuse,  bullying involves the conscious repeated effort to wound and serioudly harm another person, not with violence, but with words and actions.  Bullying damages the physical, emotional and mental health of the person who is targeted."             Ray Williams, Wired for Success

The Top 5 health issues experienced by those being bullied include:

• Anxiety (76%)
• Loss of Concentration  (71%)
• Disrupted Sleep  (71%)
• Hyper-vigilance Symptoms  (60%)
• Stress Headaches  (55%)

Additionally, the bullying behaviour puts people into a protective mode which means they are not likely to look for opportunities to stand out in any way.  They do not seek any unwanted attention and therefore make fewer decisions, back away from any risk taking behaviours and stop speaking up in meetings or sharing their knowledge and expertise.  It is clear that the organization then begins to suffer the loss of the contributions of these people.  

If the organization 'loses' the efforts and contributions of bullied employees, why are there so few organizations that are actively taking a stance against bullying behaviour?  Apparently the biggest determining factor rests on how 'successful' the bully is.  Not in their bullying but in making money for the company.  

Unsuccessful bullies don't last long.  But successful bullies?  It seems that the positive results that they bring to the organization might lead the company to attempt to 'overlook' some of their negative behaviours.  Enough so that many bullies come to believe that they are 'untouchable' or bullet-proof, simply because they make money for the company. At some point though, it becomes too costly for the organization to continue to overlook or ignore the behaviours... but only if the organization is put in the position of coming to understand just what the 'bully' is costing versus making for them.

In either event, it is clear that we will all face a workplace bully at least once in our careers, if not more often.  Just what actions do the experts recommend we take in dealing with them?  Here are the best Tactics of the Pros...

• Confront the Bully.  Now I want to be clear that not all experts support this, especially if the bully is your boss.  Confrontation can come with a cost.  That said though, many of our stressors are driven out of a sense of inaction so taking a stand for yourself may be just what is needed.  If so, there are a couple of common recommendations that all pros would offer: confront in private because bullies won't back down in public, confront early so that the bully has not gotten locked into an expectation of treatment or bullying, use the moment to highlight your boundaries.  Bullies typically lack boundaries on their behaviours. Confronting them helps you to establish yours.  In essence... they can't bully you if you refuse to be bullied.
• Be specific about the behaviour.  Be clear and to the point about the behaviour you find unacceptable, describing it with as little emotion as possible.  Additionally, be specific about how you would like to be treated instead.  Don't leave them to come up with an alternative behaviour, they clearly don't have a clue.  Share with them what and how you expect to be treated in future.
• Don't be an Armchair Psychoanalyst.  Don't attempt to psychoanalyze the bully, offering your own armchair diagnosis as to 'why' they engage in the behaviour.  Don't worry about the reasons, just focus on the results you are after.  You are trying to control the emotional aspects of the dialogue, not escalate theirs.
• Use positive reinforcement.  Catch them doing something right!  When they do treat you courteously or professionally, thank them.  Reward them.  Recognize them for making an effort. Even if they aren't perfect yet, reinforce the positive direction.  
• Be a model of good citizenship.  Model the behaviours you are after.  It will be difficult to get others to treat you better than you are seen treating others.  If you want to hold the bully accountable to a certain yardstick you had better be living to the same measurement!
• Speak to co-workers.  Determine if you are the only one being mistreated or whether others are experiencing the same treatment.  Is your boss 'picking on you' because they are a bully or are they, in fact, attempting to deal with your poor performance?  Ensure that your issue with their behaviour isn't really an issue with yours.  

Many people choose to internalize the bullying.  Don't allow someone else's issues and inappropriate behaviour to become your issues.  Name it!  Legitimize it!  It is bullying, it is psychological harassment, it is emotional abuse and it is a problem with them, not with you.  There is tremendous healing power in naming something.  

Many people choose to try to ignore the bullying, fearing that they may lose their jobs otherwise. However, the targets of bullying tend to lose their jobs (involuntarily, by choice, or for health reasons) over 75% of the time.  It is therefore no riskier to call out a bully than it is to try to ignore the behaviour.  When calling out the bully though, ensure that you have your escape route planned in advance and your documentation of their behaviour in place.  

The best method to use in highlighting their behaviour to senior management is to build a business case demonstrating that the bully is simply 'too expensive to keep'.  Pull together as much documentation as you can that clearly demonstrates the Costs of Bullying.  Who has left due to the bully?  How much has it cost to search for, hire and train replacements?  How much has the organization had to pay out in sick leave for bullying related illnesses, absenteeism, or even past litigation of complaints?

The bottom line truly comes down to the fact that Bullying, in whatever form, is unacceptable whether at school, at home or at the office.  Don't suffer in silence, seek out the help you need whether it's to manage the situation or to bow out of it.  There are always options, ensure you explore yours! 

Time to Detox... your Mind!

We all have a negative thought or two from time to time, a moment in which we think we can't, that we're not good enough, that our job, our friends, our life... sucks!  Think for a moment though of how often you have those thoughts.  How often are you thinking negatively, of what you aren't, what you don't have, what you can't do?  If we are what we think, then these toxic thoughts are likely killing us.  In fact, Dr. Carolyn Leaf has often shared that 75 to 95% of illnesses we face are a direct result of our thoughts.  What we think about most affects us physically and emotionally.  Just as we may perhaps take measures to detox our body of harmful elements, maybe it's time to also consider the need to detox the mind!

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Watch your words, for they become actions.  Watch your actions, for they become habits.  Watch your habits, for they become your character.  And watch your character for it becomes your destiny.  What we think we become"             Margaret Thatcher

The following list represents my Top 5 Toxic Tips... the five thoughts that you need to begin corralling and controlling now to Detox your Mind.

1.  Stop the Victim Mentality.  Thinking like a victim (that things happen 'To' you) puts you immediately at the control and mercy of others.  They seem to have control over what you feel and what you are experiencing.  Shape your world by shaping your experiences.  How you respond to events around you is always within your control.  Take back this power and use it to create experiences that serve you, not restrict you.

2.  Eliminate all of the could-haves, would-haves and should-haves from your vocabulary.  Each one of these highlights something we missed, that we lack, that we aren't.  Instead, focus on the choices you did make that led you to experience something positive, that helped you develop and grow a new skill, that provided you with an opportunity you would have missed otherwise.  The moment we make a choice we have something that we did not choose, just as we have something we did.  Focus instead on the choices you made and what you gained, rather than on what you missed out on as a result of the choice.  

3.  Learn to accept 'What Is'.  There are some things in life that are not within our control to change.  Death and Taxes are two!  Any time spent wishing or hoping they were different is a waste.  Accept these, build plans around them, move on, and focus on the elements that you can change to improve your outcome.  The words of the Serenity Prayer become your mantra for this Toxic Tip... "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

4.  Begin fertilizing on your side of the fence.  Stop thinking everyone else's grass is greener.  Time spent envying others is never positive. Instead, put that time into doing what it takes to create the yard and life you want.  You can have what others do if you are willing to invest the same time and effort.  If you are, get on with it.  If you aren't, stop whining about it.

5.  Stop Worrying about What Others Think.  Trying to make choices that satisfy everyone in your life is futile.  You can't possibly please 'em all, leaving you feeling badly about everything.  Instead, focus on making choices that serve you best.  Likely they will prove to also satisfy the majority.  Too much time is spent worrying about what others may think, only to find that they hadn't cared about the outcome of the decision in the first place.

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do"                      Eleanor Roosevelt

Spending time in Detoxing your Mind is a positive investment in... you!  Eliminating the garbage that accompanies all of the negative thoughts opens your mind to new possibilities and ways of thinking. Definitely a winning strategy for more success and happiness in your life.  Surely a worthwhile investment to make.