Choose Your Mood

How often have we sought to excuse our behaviour with the explanation of "Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a mood today', as though we had no option?

Being 'in' a mood implies that the mood itself has control over our behaviours and actions. Think about how often people will allow a 'mood' to determine the course of their day, colouring the nature of all their interactions. Telling ourselves that we're happy, sad, tired, depressed, angry, frustrated... becomes the glasses through which we view the remainder of our day. We allow our 'mood' to have free reign over our feelings and behaviours.

However, we create our reality with our thoughts. Unfortunately, roughly 80% of most people's thoughts are negative. Given that we typically have between 35,000 and 90,000 thoughts a day we can be priming our beliefs with a lot of negative messaging.

We know that we are mentally wired into what science refers to as a Negativity Bias. This bias served us well when we were primitives seeking only to survive, when every rustle in the bushes was likely to be something trying to eat us. We needed the negativity bias to keep us on the defensive. However, it does not serve us nearly as well today.

Our negative thoughts take only 90 seconds to travel through our brains and trigger a physiological response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, and Adrenaline, the fight or flight hormone, get released into our systems causing us now to physically experience a reaction to the negative thought resulting is us now 'feeling' as bad as we thought we would. What's important to note though is that it was our thoughts that drove the response; we did indeed create our reality with our thoughts.

If so, then could we not learn to think differently? Respond differently? Choose different?

Life is nothing if not all about choices. We choose what to eat, what to wear, what to drive, where to live. But we also choose how to react to situations. We choose how we let others affect us. We choose to be in a good or a bad mood. We can choose to be controlled by our moods or to instead control our moods. Rather than being controlled by our moods we need to recast them into something we need, something we can use, something that serves us.

Start each day by setting a firm intention for how you will approach that day, allowing it to seep into your unconscious mind. Drive the attitude and mood you want to experience. Your brain will react to the thoughts you implant the same as they would an unconscious one. Use your conscious mind to override your negative biases and programming by driving what you want to experience each day.

Given a choice I would always want to choose happy over sad, energetic over tired, strong over weak, empowered over ineffectual. Your choices are your own, of course, but if choosing differently than this you might want to question why.

The level of success you enjoy will ultimately be determined by the choices you make.

Values & Beliefs - a Call to Action

Our values form the foundation for not only how we ultimately view the world around us, but the
yardstick by which we measure everything - our relative success, happiness, etc. Your values, what is important to you, will differ from mine if only as a result of the fact that you and I are different. Each of us faces a similar challenge though, to try to live a life that is in balance and alignment with our values. The closer our actions 'fit' our core values the better we will feel about ourselves, our relationships and our lives.

The  bigger the gap though the more likely we are to experience dissatisfaction and distress. A disconnect between our values and our actions leads to a sense of disconnect with our lives which, in turn, can lead to lacklustre on-the-job performance.  It is challenging to remain focused and motivated to engage in work and activities that fail to support our personal values. The more dissonance we experience the greater our motivational challenges likely will prove.

It is this gap, between our actions and values, that leads us to choose (whether consciously or unconsciously) to under-perform. The resistance we experience comes from that values disconnect. Generally speaking there tends to be two key reasons for the existence of the gap. Either...

• We have no clue as to what we truly value in life and are therefore living in a hit and miss fashion, sometimes gaining satisfaction with a hit, sometimes being dissatisfied because we miss, or...
• We have chosen to live, whether consciously or unconsciously, by someone else's prescribed values

There may be other reasons but these two are key and often interrelated. If I am unable to articulate what my key values are in life, what is truly important to me, I am far more likely to be swayed by someone else who has clarity, whether that is a relative, friend, celebrity or corporation. The difficulty with this lies in what happens internally to me should there be a gap between my true values and my adopted ones. If they are out of sync I will likely experience dissonance and discomfort.

Someone else's value may be a more positive, powerful and fulfilling value than my own, but if I haven't taken the time to consciously acknowledge and challenge the validity of my own limiting values and beliefs, and replace them with the stronger and more positive one, then I will still continue to experience that sense of dissatisfaction with my life. 

Unfortunately, we have a tendency to wait until we are at a 'low point' in our lives and emotions to take stock of our lives. Why wait for that? Work now to ensure that you have a clear and conscious understanding of your personal values by questioning the beliefs you hold. What are the beliefs you hold that serve to influence the choices you make, the behaviours you engage in?

All too often we act in ways that support beliefs we feel we 'should' have, regardless of whether or not those beliefs support our values. We are guided by the opinions of others more than we are guided by our own internal interests, wants and beliefs. Getting in touch with what really matters to you will highlight how much of your life you have devoted to satisfying other people's values versus your own.

Once you are clear about what truly matters to you, what you value, you need to reconcile the choices you have made in your life with your values. How much do those choices work in support of your values, how much do they pull you away from them? Are there gaps that you need to work at narrowing to increase your comfort and self-satisfaction?

I have had clients who discovered a great dissatisfaction in their lives because...

• they had bought a 'big' house in a prestigious area because that was where someone of their level and stature 'should' live, but paying that big monthly mortgage meant little money left over for travel and adventure, both of which they valued highly
• they worked 60+ hour weeks trying to satisfy a parent and make them proud, rather than living to their own value of what being a 'good' parent to their own children meant to them
• they had always wanted to start their own business but never attempted it because others around them didn't think they had what it takes to make it

What values and beliefs do you have that you are not living to? 

What would your life look like if you did? 

What's stopping you from taking action?

For those of you hesitating to take the action you need, Stephen Levine offers the following words, to give you perspective and to take that first step...

If you had an hour to live and could only make one phone call... Who would you call, What would you say, And why are you waiting?

  

The Myth of Maintaining Separate Professional and Personal Lives

One of the most common beliefs that I find with Coaching Clients is that they are great at separating their Professional and Personal lives. They point to having separate personal and professional emails and phones, they use LinkedIn for business contacts and Facebook for personal, they leave work at a set time and rarely bring work home to complete. The list goes on.

They are, of course, fooling themselves.

Some of what they list for me are great systems for helping establish some barriers and even balance between work and home, some are great productivity habits and others are great skills for simply coping.  They are not walls between work and home though.

It is impossible to maintain separate Business and Personal lives.  Impossible, regardless of how high or thick the wall you attempt to construct between the two. There is a constant element that crosses that divide every day.  That constant is you.

Given that you are the same person that is at home in the morning dealing with getting the kids off to school, the dog walked and your suit pressed, the same person in the office dealing with the boss's demands, the team meeting from hell and the coffee machine that drips out dishwater, the same person who deals with aging parents, family health issues, divorce, fights with friends... it is impossible for you to remain separate.

The experiences you have at home influence your thoughts and actions on the job.  And... the reverse is also true.  Don't kid yourself.  You ALWAYS bring work home with you.  And you NEVER leave your personal self sitting outside the office door at the start of the work day.

This is a critical point to get.  Without understanding this you may not be developing the best strategies and solutions for problems you may be experiencing.

• That problem you are having with your coworker may be more a reflection of the issues you are experiencing with your spouse but... your coworker is a more comfortable target for your frustration
• The challenges you have with parenting may explain your frustration with leading your work team
• Your lack of decisiveness on the job right now may be due to the overwhelm you are experiencing with all of the decisions required by being the executor of your parent's will, while dealing with combative siblings

No aspect of our life is separate because we are not divided.  We are a whole being and need to look at our Professional and Personal lives as components of that whole.  What happens in one aspect of our life impacts other aspects.  

If you are working with a Coach on a business challenge expect that you may have to explore some personal issues.  I have had Managers who were to receive coaching on a decline in their Leadership skills that actually needed support and coaching through the divorce they were dealing with.  I have had Managers who were to receive coaching on a decline in their Productivity that actually needed support and coaching dealing with the fallout of their spouse's terminal illness.  

How you are doing and feeling in one area of your life impacts how you are doing and feeling in all others.

You are one person, with one life.  You simply have multiple activities and roles.  It is the blending of all of those that create the life you live.  Thinking of them as separate can prevent you from finding the answers you want or the help you might need.  

Confirmation Bias of Beliefs

Each of us holds beliefs about the world around us; what we believe to be right, wrong and in between.  We hold various religious, political and scientific beliefs.  We believe in certain child rearing practices, hold various philosophical beliefs, we believe in different health and fitness regimes and even hold beliefs about the quality of different companies and brands of products.

Additionally, we hold beliefs about ourselves, our capabilities and potential.

When it comes to our beliefs it is important to note that there is a very strong unconscious tendency for us to favour information that confirms the beliefs we hold.  This is known as the Confirmation Bias, which states that all people, no matter how open-minded, will tend to favour all information and evidence that supports their pre-existing beliefs and views, discounting those that do not.

We each will find that it feels good to hear or read information that supports our beliefs, so we will be more active in seeking out such validation. Scientists and investigators, to name but two, must actively work against this bias if they are to ensure an unbiased approach to uncovering the truth, lest they simply 'see' proof that supports their presumed outcome. We may always start an experiment with a belief of 'what' will occur, but if we are not truly open to the possibility of an alternative outcome, to the possibility that our assumptions may be wrong, we will only look for evidence that supports our initial assertion.

Unbeknownst to us, Confirmation Bias has a heavy influence on our lives.  Consider the beliefs you hold about yourself, your capabilities, skills and potential.  These beliefs shape the actions you take, the opportunities you pursue and those you turn down.  In order to feel justified in our actions, we will unconscious seek out proof to support those beliefs.  Therefore,

• if you believe that you are not good at math and therefore could not handle the additional financial responsibility of the manager's role, you will find mathematical errors you have made to verify this belief
• if you believe that you are not athletic in any way, then you will use every misstep as a validation of your innate clumsiness and lack of athletic prowess
• if you believe that you are not intellectual then you will use every book unread or piece of information unknown as an example proving it so

What's interesting about the Confirmation Bias is that we may skip past 5 pieces of information that prove our belief to be wrong, only to latch on to the one piece of information that proves us right. We work in supporting and building our beliefs, rather than actively working to disprove or tear them down.

This means then that the beliefs you hold about yourself are critical.  We can seek to actively work against our beliefs and disprove them, or we can ensure that the beliefs we hold about ourselves positively serve us, allowing the Confirmation Bias to work in support of those positive beliefs, helping to build us up.  The only way to determine this though is to invest the time in coming to understand the often unconscious beliefs we currently hold that are shaping and driving our behaviours and future.

Step 1.  Document your beliefs.  Start a belief diary, recording all of the beliefs that you currently hold about yourself.  What kind of a person do you believe yourself to be?  What kind of spouse, parent, sibling, friend, boss, peer? What do you believe your inherent strengths and weaknesses are? What are your values? What are your abilities? Jot down anything that comes to mind that you believe and hold to be true about yourself.

Step 2.  Examine your can'ts.  In order to gain an even deeper appreciation of the above, listen to every time you tell yourself that you can't, you don't, you aren't.  There is likely a belief hiding just behind those statements that is preventing you from stepping into action.  Some may serve you, but others may not.  In either event, add them to your diary.

Step 3.  Tweak your list.  Take a closer look at your beliefs list and highlight all of those that do not serve you.  If there are beliefs that limit you or your opportunities, then these are the beliefs that require some tweaking.  Knowing that the Confirmation Bias will actively find examples to support those beliefs, proving that you shouldn't and can't, reframe the statements in such a way that the bias works for you. For example, if your current belief is that you are a klutz and not athletic enough to play tennis, reframe it so that it is not such an all or nothing statement. Left as it is, every trip over a root or misstep will prove you are too uncoordinated to engage in tennis.  Instead, consider that you are coordinated and capable enough to play tennis (or any sport of your choosing).  Get your mind working on finding the validation for that statement so that you can get up off the couch and get out there.

We all hold different beliefs, assumptions and hypothesis.  We aren't looking to change that.  Nor are we looking to change the way the Confirmation Bias operates.  However, now that we know of its existence, we can use it more strategically, rather than being at its mercy.  Knowing we are going to actively seek out anything that supports our beliefs, it is important to be more deliberate in the creation of those beliefs, ensuring that they serve us and our desired future.  

Many of our beliefs were implanted by others and are therefore more reflective of their beliefs and not our own.  It is only by consciously challenging them and replacing them with beliefs that are more reflective of our reality and our desired future can we use the Confirmation Bias to validate how awesome we truly are.  

6 Tips for getting Others to Treat you Better

People don't always treat us well.  Sometimes they are rude and belittling, sometimes they are disrespectful, sometimes they are completely insensitive to our needs.  When this is the exception, not the rule, we may simply choose to look past the behaviour and offer some empathy, knowing they must be facing something stressful to be behaving the way they are.

But, what about those people that seem to always be rude, always be belittling us, always disrespecting our needs and wants?  You know who they are...

• Co-workers that count on you to do all of the work
• Friends who cancel outings with you always at the last minute, knowing you'll understand
• Partners who talk down to you
• Bosses who dump work on you at the last minute every Friday evening
• Family that counts on you to do all of the prep work for the family gatherings

If you have people in your life that are not treating you the way you would like them to, it is time to accept your responsibility in them doing so.

What you allow is what will continue.   - Unknown

We have far more control over how others treat us than we tend to acknowledge.  Consider how you treat others in your life.

• Do you have friends that you wouldn't hesitate to drop in on without notice, simply because you are in their area... and others you wouldn't even consider visiting without having given a week's notice?
• Do you have family you can be open and honest with... and others that you don't share your thoughts and feelings with at all?
• Do you have co-workers that you don't mind helping out... and others you begrudge their requests of you?

In each of the above cases I'm sure that you acknowledge there is a distinct difference in the way you treat others in your life, chiefly driven by your experience of them.  You may have a friend that is very laid back about the state of her house and so you know that she doesn't need any notice before you drop by, whereas another friend would become completely unglued if you dropped by and they hadn't had a chance to 'tidy' things up first.  

Your experience of 'them' led you to alter the behaviours you engage in.  Likely far more than you even consciously realize.  When visiting your more laid back friend, you are more likely to make yourself at home, putting your feet up, making the tea, letting their dog out, behaviours you wouldn't even think of engaging in when visiting your more uptight friend.  You have modified your behaviours to fit more appropriately with each of them.  

Think, then, as to how the experience that others have of 'you' has shaped the way that they behave and interact with you.  

• Co-workers that rely on you to get the work done - because you always do it without pushing them to contribute
• Friends who cancel out of plans at the last minute - because you always have 'no problem' with them doing so
• Family that counts on you to prepare everything for family gatherings - because you always handle it all, telling them they needn't worry about bringing anything

People don't do things independently of outcomes.  If they are not treating you the way you'd like it is because they are getting something that they want from the exchange.  If there wasn't something in it for them then they would stop.  Think about what they are 'getting' from you.  If you want them to modify their behaviour then modify yours such that they are no longer receiving the reward they are after.  

If you are looking to get others in your life to treat you better then you need to shift how you are treating them.  Although we can not change the behaviour of others, we always have control over...

• How we interpret the behaviours of others
• How we respond to those behaviours
• How we allow those behaviours to impact our lives

If you're looking to create a 'change' in how others perceive and treat you, start with the following tips to get you started.

Name Your Limits

You need to be clear about your boundaries if you want others to respect them.  What are you willing to tolerate, accept and live with?  What aren't you?  If you aren't clear on this then you are going to be giving very mixed signals about how you want to be treated.  It has to be clear to you before you can begin making it clear to others.

Give Yourself Permission

Sometimes we are fearful of the reactions of others, or we feel guilty at the thought of putting our needs first.  However, boundaries are a sign of self-respect.  If you want people to respect you, then you first need to respect yourself.  You must give yourself permission to put yourself first, to accept you are deserving and that you have rights and needs that are just as important and valued as theirs.

Check Your Personal Engine Light

This is a great gauge to use in coming to understand where boundaries are needed.  Any exchange that drains your personal batteries, that leaves you running on fumes, deserves a much closer look.  If your exchanges with someone always seem to leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed - then you are not being treated as you should and likely need better boundaries.  If your Check Engine Light goes on it is a signal that you need to address.

Use Your Feet

Don't feel that you have to remain in a negative situation.  Vote with your feet and simply walk away when someone is treating your poorly.  If you can't give voice to your concerns and needs in the moment you needn't remain and take it.  Walk away until you are in a better place to address your needs.

Demonstrate the Behaviour

It will be difficult to get someone to treat you with respect if you don't demonstrate respect for them or yourself. Emulate the behaviour so they can replicate it.  This is a two-way street my friend. Don't expect others to treat you better if you consistently treat them as less.

Right to 'No' Better

'No' is a complete sentence.  It doesn't need explanations, it doesn't need embellishments.  Learn how to say it.  You have the right to say No to being lied to, to say No to taking on the responsibilities of others to say No to unhealthy relationships.  Consider where your life might improve through the judicious use of a 'No' or two.

As it turns out, we have far more control over how others treat us than we may prefer to believe, typically because it means that we need to take some actions that will prove unpopular and therefore challenging for us.  The question you need to ask yourself is... 

What will it take for me to accept no less than I want from others?   

Believing you deserve better and that you have a right to better gives you the strength to begin expecting better.

7 Tips for your Personal Evolution

Evolution:  the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex

form.

Evolution is not simply a theory but an active force, one that has been actively present in shaping your life since birth.  As children we embraced this evolutionary force.  It helped us to learn and to grow; to crawl and then walk, to speak, to write and to read, to ride a bike and drive a car, to play ball, to paint, to add and subtract, to swim, to ski and to sing.

When we were younger we evolved rapidly and continuously.  We were almost like sponges, soaking up new experiences, experimenting and trying new things, simply to learn something new.  This rate of evolution slowed down as we aged though, as we began creating boundaries for ourselves, restrictions and limitations on 'who' we thought we were or could be, until our growth and evolution did not become a constant but an exception.  It became ruled by choice, and so many of us, as we age, begin to choose not to grow or evolve further.

I understand that this wasn't always a conscious choice, that no one explained to us that giving in to our negative beliefs and our fears meant that we stopped evolving, that we stunted our growth, but it happened none the less.  Additionally, few of us were ever told that the more we gave in to our fears and held ourselves back from evolving further, the more we would begin devolving, becoming less.

We were all born to be 'more' though.  When young you weren't satisfied with who you were, what you knew and what you could do.  You continued to push, to learn more, to do more, to try more.  When did that slow down or stop for you?  Why?  Are you done?  Have you evolved to be the best 'you' possible?  Is there nothing left for you to discover about yourself, to learn or experience?

We are built with an infinite capacity to evolve.  We can continue to learn new things, to experience new things, to develop new skills, to uncover hidden talents until our last breath.  Why then do so many of us 'settle' along the way?  At what point did you decide that you were 'enough'?  Often it wasn't even a conscious choice. We maybe took a break, sat back and got a little too comfortable, complacency stealing over us like a warm blanket we became reluctant to kick off.

You can choose to take notice though, to remove the blanket of complacency and to begin actively making choices that jump start your evolutionary path.  Use the following suggestions to help you continue your evolutionary journey...

1. Surround yourself with new ideas.   This may mean speaking with people unlike yourself, or reading a book or journal outside your current area of expertise.  You never know what you are likely to think about something until you put yourself into the position of needing to think about it!
2. Recycle your beliefs about... you!  It is often our beliefs about ourselves, who we are, what we can do or what we should do, that create limitations to our growth.  Question old beliefs to uncover new ones.  You are far more capable than you likely give yourself credit for.
3. Try things on, see what fits.  Things we may dismiss out of hand may be a better fit for us than we thought, but we won't know unless we give it a try first.  Nobody expects to 'like' raw fish, but you have to try Sushi to know for sure.  Taste it, try it, take it for a spin. The old adage 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' is your mantra here.
4. Resist Resistance.  Still the little voice inside your head that is telling you No, that is scrambling to pull the Complacency blanket back over your head.  Expect resistance.  Embrace it and lead it forward with you, helping it learn that there's no point in resisting what you're going to do anyway.
5. Focus on Learning, not Teaching.  Teaching is great, but if all of your energy goes to teaching then your focus is solely on 'what you know'.  Learning is all about discovering 'what you don't know'.  Learning leads to your growth, teaching leads to someone else's.  
6. Feed your Curiosity.  One of the greatest sources of learning is our curiosity.  The more that you feed yours, rather than stifle it, the more you create a learning mindset.  Have a question about how something works?  Seek out the answer.  It doesn't matter whether it leads you to something that enhances your job prospects or not.  Train your brain to realize that it is all right, once again, to ask questions, to admit to not knowing something and to seek answers.
7.  Choose a goal bigger than you are.  If the goals you set for yourself are all within your current level of capability then you are not required to stretch or to grow.  Choose a goal that is larger than yourself to push you to learn, grow and evolve further.  

Constant evolution should be the goal that we all strive for, to be constantly pushing ourselves to be more, to know more, to do more.  With this mindset it means that our choice is not to 'Evolve OR die trying' but instead to 'Evolve AND die trying'.  We should all end our lives with the same curiosity and dedication to growth that we entered the world with.  

The Other 'B' Word

Our words have power.  They can inspire or wound, excite or depress, delight or anger our audience.  We may choose our words with deliberation, in the express intent of instilling a particular feeling within our audience. The words we use can remain in the hearts and minds of our audience for years, even decades, continuing the mission we originally set for them.  Consider the ongoing power of the speech highlighted by four simple words - I Have a Dream.

One of the challenges we face with our words though, is the impact they have when we are not looking, the impact they have when we utter them without deliberation or conscious thought.  They often influence our audience in ways that we did not intend, could not imagine and, typically, would never have chosen. Following on the success of her book - Lean In (see link below if you have not yet taken the time to read this book!) - Sheryl Sandberg, COO of FaceBook, has once again chosen to continue her fight to make women more comfortable assuming Leadership roles within the workplace.

In her latest campaign she has chosen to raise public awareness of an insidious phrase that I have railed against for years, the 'B' word that has no place in Business - Bossy.  Although this may not, at first glance, seem to have the same negative as the 'other' popular female B-word, its roots often run far deeper and therefore have a greater negative impact.  Young girls learn early that to be called bossy is negative.  You will not be liked if you are bossy and will typically find yourself ostracized from your playgroups.  Bossy girls find themselves playing alone.  As a result, young girls learn quickly to modify their behaviour, not giving directions or taking on a leadership role, to 'blend-in', to 'fit-in', to be liked.  

Contrast this to little boys, who will often take on the role of leader within a given activity, giving directions, setting rules.  Once they have tired of that activity, another boy in the group suggests an activity and takes charge of it.  Leadership is accepted, typically expected, and is certainly rewarded.  Rarely are little boys labelled bossy.  Instead, they are applauded for taking on a leadership role.  Listen to the little girls, in the ABC news story about Sheryl Sandberg's 'Ban Bossy' campaign Here.  Listen to how they speak openly and convincingly of the need to avoid being labelled Bossy.  These young girls are already making decisions and choices that will serve to keep them from aspiring to leadership roles.

The words that we use often become the labels by which others view themselves and, in so doing, shape their future.  Banning Bossy is simply the metaphor used to draw attention to how insidious the development of gender stereotypes is, how pervasive it is, and to highlight how much we need to begin to openly challenge and change these Barriers to the Boardroom.

We'll know we have made it when little girls everywhere are confident in their declaration that they are not Bossy, they are The Boss!

Get a copy of Lean In, it's worth a read!

The Impact of the Anchoring Effect on your Success

I don't have an answer for you in today's blog posting, but I do have a question for you to consider.  First, let
me start by sharing a little about the psychological phenomenon known as the Anchoring Effect.

The Anchoring Effect is a psychological bias that serves to influence our perception of an event.  It can have very large implications for the final outcome we experience.  For example, let's take a look at a study conducted by Strack and Mussweiler (1999).  They looked to determine the relative impact of a prefacing question upon a final answer.  In this instance, they asked half a group of participants whether Mahatma Gandhi died before or after the age of 9, while the other half was asked where he died before or after the age of 140.  In each case, the answer was quite obvious for each group and each found the question to be somewhat silly in nature.  However, participants were then asked to guess the actual age of Gandhi's death.

The first group guessed an average age of 50, while the second group guessed an average age of 67. His actual age of 87 is irrelevant for the purposes of this study.  What is important is the degree of influence that the prefacing question had upon people's guesses.  In each instance the prefacing question had served to skew the results.

We see the impact of this Anchoring Effect in many other instance in our daily lives.  The sticker price of the car we are looking at will determine the final price that we settle on during our negotiations of the car price, regardless of whether that final price is truly 'fair' or not.  Our impression of the deal we got is driven by that first, anchored, sticker price.

The key is to understand that our brains are wired to use anchors (reference points) in helping us to make decisions.  Sometimes those anchors will work in our favour while, at other times, they may not. Unfortunately, the impact of these anchor points is largely impacting us unconsciously, preventing us from ensuring that they influence us in favourable versus unfavourable directions.

Now... my question.  The impact of the Anchoring Effect is well documented and is used consciously and universally by shrewd sales personnel and top negotiators.  However, my question is to consider the impact of the Anchoring Effect on your Success.  Let's look at this simply and consider only...  your salary.  How much do you think you are capable of earning per year, maximum?  Got a figure?

There's your Anchoring Effect.  I haven't done a study on this myself, but I do know that some have been done indicating that whatever your figure you will likely find that it is roughly what you end up earning.  If you believe you are capable of earning $30,000 you will find that it is ultimately what you end up earning.  If the figure is $50,000, $150,000 or even $1,000,000 the same is true.  In setting this figure in your head you have served to Anchor that belief, unconsciously influenciing all of your decisions, often in subtle ways, to 'help' you achieve that goal.  The choices you make end up working in support of that anchored belief.

In order to change your relative level of success you must therefore challenge those Anchored assumptions about what is possible for you.  In short, we Achieve what we Believe.  Change your beliefs about what is possible and you create new possibilities for yourself.  Why would we want to anchor in a limiting belief for ourselves?

Consciously we may not, however it is our unconscious mind, working in conjunction with our negative self talk, that sets the bar.  It's quite likely that if you aren't enjoying the level of success you desire, that you have set your bar too low.  It's the reason that those who win the lottery often find themselves down the road with nothing left, they are back where they started, earning what they always have.  That dollar figure was anchored in their unconscious and so they 'spent' and 'disbursed' their winnings in such a way as to return to their anchored belief.

Spend some time thinking about your definition of success for yourself and what limits you may be inadvertently creating by this definition.  Consider expanding that definition, including new possibilities and potential for yourself.  Cut loose from your existing anchors, those that may be weighing you down unnecessarily and keeping you in place, creating new anchor points that place you far ahead of where you currently are and see how that belief influences your choices, helping you to experience, have and be more in the future than your current anchors held you to in the past.

Conformity and the Herd

Earlier this week I posted a video on my Titan Training facebook page (go like us to stay in the loop and to check out the video!) that got me thinking.  It was an old candid camera video that was based on some conformity experiments that Solomon Asch had run.  In the video, someone enters an elevator and, as we all do, faces the front.  However, all additional people entering the elevator (all confederates in the experiment) face the back.  It's not long before the poor innocent person conforms and faces the back also.  The confederates then shift position in unison, facing sideways and, you guessed it, the person also shifts to stand sideways.  

Much of Asch's work demonstrated how quickly and readily we conform to the majority of action and of opinion.  In one famous experiment he showed participants the diagram above, asking them to select which of the three lines was the same length as the single line.  Although seemingly a straightforward and relatively obvious choice, many people deliberately gave the 'wrong' answer simply because they believed that the majority of other people had chosen what they viewed to be an 'incorrect' choice.  

This result has been replicated over and over, using different experiments, different target groups of participants and different environments.  You could say that those that conformed were fully aware of their choice, that they went along with the choice of the majority though they 'knew' better, but what if in choosing outwardly to go along with group-think they inwardly and unconsciously began to revise their own perceptions?  Studies have shown that once we make a choice and make it public, we are more prone to then make decisions and take actions that are in support of that view.  

Certainly social conformity serves some helpful and useful functions, but it can be much more insidious than we may be consciously aware, skewing our views of right and wrong, of what is and is not.  In my work with organizations, I get the opportunity to see this in action.  Most organizations have their own culture.  Typically, new employees struggle to 'fit in' to this culture, feeling on the outside of everything until they finally begin to understand how things get done within this new company, and they follow those processes.  Generally, we think of these as simply being basic process rules, outlining how work gets done.  However, it is far more insidious than we often realize.

Just as couples who have been together for a long time begin to 'look' alike simply because they adapt their non-verbal communication patterns to 'match' those of their partner (they often speak in the same rhythm, use similar phrasing, make similar gestures, etc.) so too does it happen within organizations.  In an effort to fit in, new employees will unconsciously adopt mannerisms and speech patterns that they discern in the group.  For example, in one client organization, a majority of their employees all uptalk.  They certainly don't consciously hire for this speech inflection (where the speaker's inflection continuously goes up, sounding as though they are continuously asking questions), but I'm willing to bet that they do.  For those employees that are hired who are not uptalkers... it is likely only a matter of time until they unconsciously begin to adopt it.  In their efforts to fit in and be liked they adopt that habit as their own so that they too can now sound like one of the group.

Although many of these elements, when taken individually, may sound innocent enough, the greater the number and the greater the prevalence, the more dependent upon the group the individual becomes.  

• leaving the organization becomes difficult because they can't seem to find anywhere else that they 'fit' in
• the more you have unconsciously compromised your beliefs and habits to conform to those of others, the more justifications you have developed for doing so.  It proves difficult to break away from these since it requires us to admit that at some point we were 'wrong' in our choice
• often the organization struggles with the need for independent thinking (for growth, to remain competitive) when systemically they don't reward for it.  Those who are able to remain independent of the group often continue to feel as though they don't fit in and leave to find somewhere that they do

The need and desire of many to be liked by others, to fit in, to feel that they belong can be a strong motivator, leading people to make choices and take actions that they may never have previously considered but that become automatic for them within the framework of the norms of their new group.  Hitler's regime was built upon the premise and strength of conformity.  Our existing military forces do the same (though obviously with different intents!)  Religions rely on the power of conformity as do virtually any formal group. Some are more benign, some more cancerous in their impact.

What is important is to realize the extent to which our desire to belong and be liked can, and does, influence our thinking and actions.  We need to be clear about what we truly believe is right and fair and just and learn to weigh our choices against these beliefs.  The greater our level of clarity, the better able we are to fight against the unconscious pushes we receive to act in ways that do not support these beliefs.  It is only through this clarity that we can hope to avoid compromising those areas that matter, to take a stand against those that would have us simply follow the herd.  

Our 'First' is Usually our 'Worst'

Many people avoid trying new things, picking up new skills, attempting new activities because they know
they won't be great at them.  Note that they usually omit an important corollary to this statement and its omission is huge.  Rather than saying 'I won't be great at that', it should read (and be said) 'I won't be great at that... at first!'  The first statement implies you will never be any good at it - ever -why bother trying at all.  The second statement acknowledges that you won't be good at it to start, but the implication here is that you will improve.

Our first attempt at anything is always going to be our worst attempt. We lack the skills and the knowledge of how to make things happen; the finesse that comes with repetition.  Know  that your first won't be your best but that it's worth the attempt. There is much to be learned about ourselves and the world around us by trying something new.  Often we have skills that have been hidden from us to-date simply because we haven't had the opportunity to give 'em a try.

We tend to avoid what we believe we aren't good at.  Then we get pushed into doing it and... guess what?  We're not good at it.  This tends then to confirm for us our belief and we don't try again.  However, developing the mindset that 'Of course I'm not that great at it (yet), it was only my first time!' opens up total new possibilities.  Instead of avoiding that activity in the future, you take your current experience, determine what you learned from it, what to try differently next time and move forward.  The second time?  Better.  The third?  Better still.  Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers, says that it takes over 10,000 hours of practice to truly master something.   No athlete got to his current level of performance by doing nothing.  They missed more than they hit or sunk or dunked or caught.  And then they did it again.  And again.  And again.

What areas in your life could stand a second try?  (I call this Taking a Mulligan... my favourite golf move!)
What things are missing in your life because you have avoided giving them a first try?

Pick something and give it a go.  You now are armed with your follow-up line should things not turn out as planned...  'Awww... it was only my first time.'  Following that...  'Awww... it was only my second time'.  And, my favourite all encompassing statement...  'I'm still new to this!'  You may not be interested in putting in your 10,000 hours to truly master a particular skill (take me and golf... 10,000 hours... soooo not happening!) but it needn't prevent you from getting out there and trying something new.  You just might find yourself enjoying the process!

Managing the Gap

Viktor Frankl was the author of Man's Search for Meaning, he was a Jewish Psychiatrist and a Holocaust
survivor (of Auschwitz and Dachau).  One of the greatest messages he brought with him through all that he experienced and suffered during his internment was that most who survived did so because of the way in which they chose to view and respond to the situation they faced.

Between stimulus and response there is a gap and within that gap lies all our freedom.                            Viktor Frankl

The stimulus they faced in the camps was deprivation, torture and uncertainty.  Their response often was to lose hope and to give up.  Those that chose this path, Frankl discovered, often just withered away and died.  Those that determined they had a reason to live, did so because they shifted their response.  It was in how people managed the gap between the stimulus and their response to it that, ultimately, determined survival.

When a stimulus is applied we have built-in responses to it, responses that we have conditioned over time, similar to Pavlov's dogs salivating at the sound of a bell.

• someone makes a derogatory comment about how we look in our outfit and we get upset
• a co-worker doesn't agree with an idea we brought forth and we get angry
• someone cancels dinner with us and we get depressed
• someone cuts us off on the highway and we feel rage

All of these may be conditioned responses, operating unconsciously, but they exist because we set them up to be our preferred response at some point.  Good news though, we can condition a new response!  Despite the fact that it feels like a direct and instantaneous route from the stimulus to our response (feelings) there is actually a gap in there, providing us with the opportunity to assess the stimuli and determine our responses.  

Most of the time we simply opt for easy and therefore siphon the response off to our conditioned default setting.  But we can break this pattern if the result is not desirable.  There are three key steps to creating the right foundation for the shift to occur.

1. Begin by determining that the existing behaviour is undesirable.  You have to want to change it more than you want to keep it.  If you 'like' feeling depressed, angry or hurt you will not be able to let the behaviour go until you paint yourself a picture, of the new behaviour, that is more positive and serves you more.
2. You have to believe that it is your job to change it.  Not some higher power, not your mother, not your boss, not your spouse, not the guy next door.  It's your life, your behaviour and your responsibility.  If you defer this to someone else then you will simply wait for them to 'fix' it for you, which isn't going to happen.  Only you can fix it, but you have to take responsibility for it to happen.
3. You have to believe that you can, that it is within you to control your responses and change it.  If you believe that you are at the mercy of that conditioned response (I call this the Popeye Principle: I am what I am and that's all that I am) then... you're done.  You have to believe you have all of the requisite knowledge, skill, ability and desire to make it happen.  

Master these three steps, commit to them, identify your new response and... you can change it in an instant.  Managing the Gap is not always difficult, but it is necessary if you want to change your responses.  It doesn't even matter if you 'see' a gap or not.  Trust that it's there, believe the change is within your control and step into the new behaviour/response.  

Wrong action won't bury you, but wrong reaction will.  You cannot control your outer circumstances but you can control your inner choices.   Darren Hardy (Success Magazine)

Rewrite your Labels, Rewire your Brain!

We all act according to our personal definitions of ourselves, those labels that we attach to the picture of ourselves we hold in our heads. If your label for yourself says that you're 'shy' then it comes complete with a list of behaviours that you will typically engage in, that epitomize your view of 'shyness'.  But it also comes complete with a list of behaviours that are opposite to your definition that you therefore do not display.  This list looks like a running commentary of impossibilities, each typically prefaced by a statement such as:

• I can't...
• I'm not...
• I don't...

Unfortunately, each of these is also stated in absolute terms.  It's these phrases that form the basis of our limiting beliefs, those beliefs that inhibit us from doing, trying or becoming sometimes the very things that we want for ourselves.

To move forward, we have to challenge these limiting belief systems.  We have to reframe them to more positive statements that at least serve to open us to possibilities rather than cutting us off from them.  For example, 

• I'm not athletic.  [Result - you won't engage in any athletic activity]

Reframe it instead as...

• I am athletic 'enough'.  [Result - it creates the possibility for you to participate in athletic activities.  It frees you from having to be great at them, or even good. You are athletic 'enough' to get off the couch and 'do' it! All too often we stop ourselves from engaging in activity we would enjoy, simply because we think we might not be any good at it. Think instead of only needing to be good enough. Far more open a belief!

Consider the statement...

• I am not good at speaking in public.  [Result - I don't deliver presentations or speak up in meetings, costing me precious visibility within the company]

Reframe it instead...

• I am able to speak convincingly with others, regardless of venue.  [ Result - this sets the mindset that you will be confident and capable of speaking in public, allowing your brain to set you up for success instead of failure! The brain likes to give you what you ask of it.  Ask it to fail and it will. Ask for something positive and specific and it is far more likely to ensure that's what you get]

Now sit down and start examining your limiting beliefs.  Listen for the times in your head that you fail to attempt something because that voice is telling you...  I can't, I don't, I'm not.  Those are your cues to examine and rewrite those beliefs.  Rewiring the way that your brain thinks about certain activities will open you to experience more success in your life.  

No Such Thing as Failure

If there is one lesson we learned and remember well from our grade school education it is the lesson of

Passing and Failing.  There was always some predetermined and pre-set target we had to meet or exceed in order to have passed.  Of all our lessons, this one was taught and retaught, learned and re-learned until it became a permanent fixture in our lives and our definition of 'success'.

Despite the fact that I am unable to strike the word 'failure' from the dictionary, I urge each one of us to strike it from our own personal lexicon.  It is often the fear of 'failure' that prevents us from taking risks, from even trying to obtain what we want out of life. It is the fear of 'not' achieving that holds us back from achievement itself.   Imagine though if there were no failure, no negative measure to avoid?  What would hold us back then?  What might we go on to achieve in our lives?

Consider a world in which we simply tried, tried and tried again until we succeeded, a world in which our lack of immediate success did not inhibit us from continuing to try to attain a certain goal.  This is the perspective I want us to adopt, the belief that there is no such thing as failure, only results.  Our actions lead us to results.  Period.  If they are not the desired results then we need to engage in different actions, and continue doing so, until we obtain the desired results.

There would be no negative connotation from the attempts that missed the mark, they would simply be learning experiences that helped us to narrow down our future choices.  We wouldn't hesitate to continue to strive for our desired results because there would be no stigma attached to missing.

No inventor gets it right the first time.  They use a constant feedback loop to help them narrow the choices they make and actions they take until the desired result is achieved.  Rather than being stymied by failure, they view the misses as opportunities to refine their approaches and narrow the gap between where they are and where they want to be.

How might you adopt this same approach to achieving your desired results?  Instead of beating yourself up over undesirable results, you embrace those results for the learning you received and the insights into the new actions you could take to get you closer if not exactly what you want.

Next time you find yourself criticizing yourself for having 'failed' to achieve something, adopt a new mantra...  tell yourself...

I didn't fail, I simply achieved a different result.  

Then... Consider what you can do differently to drive a more favourable result.  

This positive and proactive approach leaves you with control over the choices you make and the actions you take, without undermining your sense of confidence or personal empowerment.  Trying and Doing become the new mantras of Success.

Who are you rooting for?

I'm starting this blog post with a quote from the ever-quotable Seth Godin...

We say we want to root for the underdog, but actually, we want to be seen as rooting for whomever everyone else is rooting for

The need to belong, to feel that we are part of something, is a strong influencer over our behaviour.  Often, following the crowd is 'easier' then taking the time to think something through fully on our own.  We don't have the time (or perhaps the interest) and we therefore go along with everyone else.  It's almost a knee-jerk reaction. 

Perhaps going along with everyone else stems more out of a desire to:

• Avoid confrontation.  We know that others will push back if we don't agree and we just don't want the hassle!
• Be liked.  Let's face it, many of us like to be liked.  We care what others think.  As a result, we go along with the group in an effort to be seen as someone similar, someone that they will perhaps call a friend.
• Not rock the boat.  Taking a stand takes energy.  We have too much on our plate already, we don't particularly care about the issue at hand, or perhaps we just want to strategically curry favour.  In either event, going along with others maintains the status quo, which serves us in the moment.
• Not have to think.  Yep, sometimes it's just this simple... we let others do our thinking for us.

If we do any of the first three items above - deliberately and strategically - I don't take issue with it.  As long as you are consciously making a choice in those responses (that will hopefully net you positive results down the line) then I'm good. Note though, I still expect you to accept the consequences of those choices! 

However, if you are simply operating in default mode, going along with others because you don't want to think for yourself...  then we need to talk!  These are the folks that are less likely to accept any responsibility for their actions.  They will place blame on the others around them before they will ever accept that they too engaged in the same behaviour.   Letting others think for you will lead you to living someone else's life, supporting someone else's values and beliefs.

Rather, we need to ensure we are clear about what is important to us.  By understanding our values and beliefs more fully, we are then able to weigh our decisions and actions against them, choosing those options that work in alignment with our values.  Doing so might not always prove to be the easiest choice, or the most popular choice, but in the long run it will almost always prove to be the choice that allows us to feel best about ourselves. 

Saying no to you might mean that you don't like me much but... if by saying no to you I am living in alignment with my beliefs and values, what's important to me... then I like me just fine and for me, that's more than enough.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.