Silence as a Success Strategy

When I was young I had a 'Chatty Cathy' doll. She came with various disks that you slipped into her side that allowed her to converse on a variety of subjects. My favourite of course, me being me, was the disk that talked about eating Dessert before Dinner to ensure you still had room for it, a sentiment that has not left me to this day! Chatty Cathy may have been a great playmate to a youngster, but she would have been hard--pressed to make it big in a corporate environment.

Talking AT someone is far different than talking WITH them.  The former means you operate as Chatty Cathy, a very one-sided conversation.  The latter represents an exchange of information requiring equal parts speaking... and listening. Most people don't engage in truly listening though, most are simply looking for their next opening to jump in and continue talking!

Technology may be proving to be an asset in providing us with new and varied ways of communicating with our audiences, but it is playing havoc with our ability to communicate effectively face to face, a skill that most senior managers and leaders require.

Science tells us that our favourite subject to talk about is... US! We spend about 60% of our conversations talking about ourselves, though this jumps to about 80% when we are communicating online. Given that our audience has the same desire as we do, it is not difficult to determine that the ideal would be a 50/50 split, allowing both parties to have equal billing.

Successful sales reps know the power of listening, of using silence as a means of truly coming to hear and understand the needs of the customer, of creating opportunities through silence. However, most others in business have not learned this lesson, and experience pressure to speak and fill in the conversational gaps. Typically, people are led to over-talking because:

• they are trying to impress their audience
• they lack confidence
• they are nervous and talking is a soothing behaviour
• they are conversationally unskilled, never having learned how to use questions properly to draw others into the conversation

People's inability to handle silence comfortably means that the Pause has become a very powerful interview and interrogation tool, used to elicit more information. Simply pausing after someone has answered a question, paired with facial and physical cues that make you appear 'expectant' of more information, is usually all it takes to get them to continue to 'share', usually with unplanned and unscripted information. Our discomfort with silence somehow creates a void that needs to be filled, often at our own expense.

Our attention spans are dwindling resources. Research shows that attention spans today are measured in seconds, at times being as high as 59 seconds and clocking in as low as eight. Technology is to blame, as is social media and the fact that we are constantly being hit with a barrage of information that is vying for our attention. The ability to focus is becoming a rare skill.

Is it any wonder then that our ability to listen effectively is being lost?  All excellent listeners though are masters of the Pause. Notice how skilled politicians will pause before answering questions during media Q & A's, helping them to sound more self-assured, not less.  Pausing before you speak...

• avoids the risk of interrupting someone inadvertently if they had simply stopped speaking to gather their thoughts
• tells your audience that you are giving careful consideration and thought to what they just shared.  This lends your response weight and credibility
• lets you actually 'hear' the content of what the other party just shared, allowing you catch the nuances of the message better. 
• will generally give you more time to process and store the preceding information more fully, aiding in your retention of the information
• tends to draw the attention of other's to you and the message you are about to share

Silence is a greatly underestimated source of power in a conversation, one that many overlook but that leaders learn to cultivate.  A properly placed pause is your opportunity to truly hear not only what's being said, but also what isn't.  This information can provide you with the information, insights and leverage needed to help you get ahead.  

Down but Not Out

Times are tough.  You've hit a wall.  You've been knocked down.  But you haven't been knocked out!

What defines us is how well we rise after falling          Lionel, Maid in Manhattan

If you are down now... it's an exciting time for you.  Quite literally there is nowhere for you to go but up.  this is your moment of definition.  Some may think that you are down for the count and discount you.  But they will be surprised.

They will be surprised because this is a pivotal moment for you.  Others may choose to give up, but you?  You'll choose to get up!  You have the ability to separate yourself from the actions, circumstances and people that brought you down, to dig deep within yourself, and move beyond.

This is a moment of self discovery, a moment for you to realize just how much untapped potential you possess.  This is the moment to unleash those possibilities within you, showing yourself and everyone around you that you are now, and ever have been, MORE.

You have the power to change your attitude, change your circumstances, change your finances, to change your destiny.  The time to begin is NOW.

Down but Not Out

Times are tough.  You've hit a wall.  You've been knocked down.  But you haven't been knocked out!

What defines us is how well we rise after falling          Lionel, Maid in Manhattan

If you are down now... it's an exciting time for you.  Quite literally there is nowhere for you to go but up.  this is your moment of definition.  Some may think that you are down for the count and discount you.  But they will be surprised.

They will be surprised because this is a pivotal moment for you.  Others may choose to give up, but you?  You'll choose to get up!  You have the ability to separate yourself from the actions, circumstances and people that brought you down, to dig deep within yourself, and move beyond.

This is a moment of self discovery, a moment for you to realize just how much untapped potential you possess.  This is the moment to unleash those possibilities within you, showing yourself and everyone around you that you are now, and ever have been, MORE.

You have the power to change your attitude, change your circumstances, change your finances, to change your destiny.  The time to begin is NOW.

Power Posing

I love quick fixes.  I have nothing against spending the time needed to truly understand the source of problems, working to eliminate the root of the issue once and for all, but sometimes we just need an answer now.  Sometimes we just need to make our present better, while we do the background work.

When working with busy executives it definitely becomes all about the quick fix.  They need something they can act on right now that will help them in their next meeting, presentation or negotiation.  It needs to be effective and it needs to work fast.  The most popular 'quick fix' addresses the need to appear more confident and powerful.

In order to help with this instantaneous transformation, it is important to understand that the body helps shape the mind.  This means that you can drive your thoughts about yourself and how you interpret the world based solely on how you 'move' through life.  Therefore, if we want to shift how you are feeling about yourself and how you appear to others, we shift the way you hold and carry yourself.  You adopt a Power Pose.

Research addressing this very issue* has found that getting participants to adopt a power pose for as little as two minutes made them...

• more willing to take risks
• present their ideas with greater enthusiasm and confidence
• perform better in demanding situations
• experience an increase in testosterone, a hormone linked to assertiveness
• experience a decrease in cortisol, a hormone linked to stress

The findings clearly supported the fact that adopting a Power Pose makes you feel more powerful and therefore results in your acting more powerful.  Just two minutes of Preparatory Power Posing, prior to engaging in a task, optimizes the brain to function better during those challenges.

In any Power Pose the main goal is to open your body up to take up more space.  In essence, you want to make yourself look as 'big' as you can.  I remember camping one year at Algonquin Park when my youngest son was maybe about 5.  My husband, son and I were sitting around the campfire one evening when a wolf came walking through the campsite, pausing just on the other side of the fire.  This was not a normal occurrence by any stretch, but what was unnerving was having that wolf pause and stare straight at my young son.  

I followed the wolf's gaze and saw that my son was tucked into a small ball, curled up in his camp chair.  I immediately told him quietly to slowly put his feet on the ground and to extend his arms out toward his father and me... effectively making him appear much larger.  The wolf stood watching closely as my son, in essence, grew larger.  He moved on.  The next morning we learned that the wolf had 'stolen' a small dog from a campsite down the path from us, shortly after leaving our site.  Perceived size and power mattered a great deal that day.

In business you want to recognise that taking up space equates with power as much as it does in the wild.  Powerless people contract their bodies inward, hunching in on themselves, making themselves appear smaller.  Powerful people expand out, opening themselves physically up to the world.

To practice your Power Posing, adopt one of the following power poses...

1. Stand with an open stance, feet one to one and half shoulder widths apart.  Distribute your weight evenly between your feet so you are centered and firmly planted.  Extend your spine upward so that you are fully erect, your head is up and your eyes are looking directly ahead.  Place your hands on your hips or above your head in a wide 'V' position
2. In a seated position stretch your legs out fully in front of you, propping them up on a desk or table.  Lean back in your chair and place your hands behind your head, lacing the fingers and angling your elbows out and away from your head.

Consider engaging in a couple of minutes of Preparatory Power Posing just before heading off to your next important meeting to ensure that you enter that room with a heightened level of confidence and power.  How you interact with others during those first opening moments serves to set the tone for what follows.  Let them see your confidence right from the start.  Remember... although you may feel that you are merely 'posing', your brain doesn't know the difference.  If you carry yourself confidently and powerfully, your brain will assume you must BE confident and powerful and will therefore ensure that you FEEL confident and powerful.  Give it a try.  It could just prove to be two of the most effective minutes you've ever spent.

*see work by Amy Cuddy, Associate Professor at Harvard Business School

Change your Posture... Change your Thoughts

We are hearing a lot in the media lately about how to 'read' someone's body language to uncover their feelings about our product, the situation, the offer, or even us.  But little seems to be written about the impact of body language on how we feel.  When learning to read and interpret the body language of others, instructors will often have you shift your body into the position of the other party. When you are standing or sitting exactly like them, question yourself about what you are feeling while in this posture.  Odds are... it's similar to what they are feeling.

As much as we can use this to help us understand others, it has another important lesson for us.  If we can shift how we feel by shifting how we sit or stand, then we can strategically Craft our thoughts and feelings by modifying our posture. Want to feel more confident?  Adopt a more confident way of standing and moving.  Want to feel happier? Start smiling.  Want to feel more energetic?  Stop slumping and shorten the length of your gestures, moving your limbs a little faster when speaking.

You want to feel more positive, energetic and happy about life?  You can take the long route and explore why you aren't those things already, eliminate barriers and obstacles to those feelings, and then forge ahead to experience more of them in your life.  Or...  you can adopt the body language of someone who is positive, energetic and happy and... begin to feel and experience more of them in your life.  Either path gets you to the same place.  One just gets you there faster.

The simple truth is that our brain doesn't know the difference.  It believes that if we are standing, sitting, or moving a certain way then we must 'be' a certain way and it makes it so.  Pretty powerful stuff.  The following are 5 examples of shifts you can make in your body language to experience more of these in your life...

Power.

To appear more powerful to others and, more importantly, to feel more confident and powerful in your interactions, you need to learn to adopt a more powerful pose.  Powerful people take up space so plant your feet firmly (at least shoulder width apart) and open up your limbs.  You want to make more expansive gestures, ending them away from your body.  Elongate your spine, ensuring that your shoulders are back, your head is up.

Willpower.

Willpower implies that we are feeling challenged, but that we are pushing through.  It therefore has a tension to it.  You want to feel willpower in those moments when yours are slipping?  Tense up your muscles.  Studies show that when you firm up your muscles you can better withstand pain, take unpleasant medicine, resist temptation, etc.  So the next time you are faced with the display case of 'goodies' en route to ordering your 'skinny' latte, don't slink on past and avoid eye contact with the case, tighten up your muscles while elongating your spine.  This will give you the willpower you need to resist and will also communicate to your brain that you have the strength to do it again, and again, and again.

Insight.  If you are trying to solve a particularly difficult problem... lie down.  Let's face it, we often solve major issues or come up with our best ideas after we sleep on them.  Lying down increases our propensity for arriving at creative solutions.  Sure, they may think you're a little crazy at work (you might want to ensure you're in a room with a closed door!) but hey... it works!

Persuasive.

We all have times where we need to influence or persuade the thinking or decisions of others.  Know that hand gestures are critical to helping increase the persuasiveness of your argument.  The most effective gestures, of course, are called Illustrators; those gestures that help to support and illustrate the point you are making.  Any gestures that help your audience to 'visualize' what you are saying, helps to bring them closer to your message and find it more agreeable.

Happiness.

It is generally safe to say that most of us could do with feeling happy more often.  As mentioned earlier, if you want to feel more happiness... smile.  The smile is the only universal gesture that there is.  It transcends gender, age, culture, socio-economic status, or ethnicity.  A smile... is a smile.  Babies in the womb smile.  Those born blind at birth smile when happy.  Research has shown that the simple act of smiling, whether you mean it or not, releases endorphins into the body that help you feel good and... happier.

The bottom line... if you are feeling an emotion that isn't serving you then shift your posture and body language to one that does.  That simple shift will move you into a mindset that will be more productive for you and will net you more positive results.

Personal Power: Tapping into Yours

Understanding the Principles behind the concept of Personal Power, along with your sources of power, are important contributors to your achieving what you want in life. It is often through our sense of powerless in situations that we undermine our belief in ourselves, leading us to work in ways that support others, not ourselves. Reconnecting with our power-base allows us to begin making decisions and taking actions that are in alignment with our interests and goals, leading to greater success and happiness.

First, it's important to understand that we have a number of sources of power, the first of which is the most important - know who you are. Understanding what your values are, what really matters to you, will go a long way toward allowing you to make decisions and choices that uphold them. Without this understanding you will be more easily swayed by others' wants and needs, often pulling you further and further from your own desires.

Additional sources of power include:

Positional power - the role you currently hold will carry with it a certain amount of power. The actual amount is very situationally driven and is also dependent upon who you are interacting with. Your positional power is also driven in part by how visible you are and even what your degree of influence is over the decision makers.

Expertise power - knowledge holds power. If you know something the other party doesn't, and it is deemed important, then you have power in that exchange of information. This does not mean that you should not share your knowledge and expertise with others, but rather recognize the influential impact sharing that information has in building your power base with them.

Connection power - this is the power of your network! Everyone has likely been telling you for years that networking is important but, short of needing it to tap into for a job search, we don't typically assign much value to it. However, if you know someone that would be important for someone else to connect with or through, this has a true perceived value to them and therefore represents a great base of power for you.

Achievement power - they may say that you are only as good as your last win, but don't overlook the fact that those wins carry a cache and do represent a source of power for you. The more 'wins' you've enjoyed the more power you have. This is another good reason why learning to 'toot your own horn' is a positive skill to cultivate. It never hurts to remind people, however gently and subtly, just how valuable you are!

Referential power -This source of power is typically referred to as charisma. Although it may often seem unquantifiable, it has a definite and powerful impact on others and therefore represents an important source of your personal power.

Attractiveness power - although we don't typically want to acknowledge this one, it is true nonetheless (and research supports it!). The more attributes you possess (even physical ones) that others find appealing, the more power, leverage and influence you have over them.


The Work:

Before entering into an exchange with someone, especially those interactions that you know will be difficult, spend a few moments in assessing the status of your sources of power relative to the other party involved. It is likely you will determine that you have more power in the situation than you first thought or felt. Often, spending this time to more honestly evaluate your base of power in the situation helps you to enter the exchange with a greater degree of confidence which, in turn, increases the odds of a positive and successful outcome for you.