The Problem with Problem-Seeking

You know them... those people that seem to move from one issue to another, one crisis after another.  We are astounded at just how much life seems to toss at them since they are always facing a new problem, a new issue, a new barrier.

We all run into unexpected and unanticipated problems from time to time.  Nothing tests our resilience like some of the curve balls that life manages to throw our way.  However, there are those that are not content to wait for those infrequent pitches, they actively seek out new problems themselves.

They may hide behind the belief that they are merely being proactive in dealing with the issue now, but make no mistake...

If you go looking for problems, you will always find them

Sometimes the problems we face are those of our own creation.

I don't want to minimize real issues and problems that you are facing.  Know that you can count on me to be there to support and help you through the problem in whatever way I can.  But I do want to acknowledge the small contingent of drama queens out there that get a 'rush' being on the short end of the stick, that craft their problems with a deft hand, ensuring that they are regularly in crisis.  They are addicted to the high that comes from dealing with problems.  They love the adrenaline rush, the attention and 'poor you's' they receive, the false belief that they are 'strong' for having to cope with so much, so often.

To these people specifically I say... No More!

An emergency and crisis on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

No more will I put my life on pause to hold your hand through a crisis of your making
No more will I listen to your tirades, your tears, rants and raves
No more will I sacrifice hours of my time and life to support yours
No more will I allow myself to be drawn into your tragedies and dramas

I prefer my life to run more as a  romantic comedy, less as a tragedy.  I'm not saying you can't enjoy your drama and play it out on the big screen in surround sound... just don't invite me to attend the viewing.  I'm sure I'm busy that night!

Don't Worry... Be Happy!

I have clients that are worriers.  I have family that are worriers.  I have friends that are worriers.  I worry about them!

In all seriousness though, worrying is seemingly becoming a very pervasive emotion.  Now, perhaps it is more simply a reflection of my coaching profession, but there seems to be an upsurge in the number of worriers that I am encountering.  An impact of our economic times?  Perhaps.  But it does seem that more people are worried about their futures than ever before, in recent times.  However, the act of worrying itself does nothing to improve their state but, it can very well have a significant impact on making things worse.

Worrying is like sitting on a rocking horse, it gives you something to do but you don't get anywhere doing it.                   Tony Robbins

 Worrying itself is neither a proactive or effective emotion.  Certainly worrying about a problem or situation in no way improves or changes it.  However, the effects of worry are much more negatively insidious than may be immediately apparent.

1. A key implication of worry is that things will not turn out well. Let's face it, we don't worry about things turning out well, just that they might turn out poorly for us.  The focus of worrying is all negative.  I won't get that promotion... I might lose my job... What if I fail at my task?... I might get hurt...  These are all what-if scenarios that lead us to inaction, rather than risking the possibility that they may occur.
2. The energy of worry is a heavy burden for us to carry.  It has a physical impact on us and can prove very debilitating for us over the long term.  Just as we know that carrying an extra 100 pounds of excess weight will have a physical impact on our body, causing early wear and tear and strain on our muscles, organs and heart... so too with worry.
3. Worry is not just physically debilitating but mentally debilitating as well.  We create worry loops in our mind that play endlessly, preventing us from engaging in the very thoughts that would lead us to the solution we desire or the action we need to take.
4. Worry expands.  It ripples out beyond us.  Even as we worry about ourselves, we also worry about others in our lives that we care for.  Although this is done out of love and concern for them, we slowly begin to push that negative energy onto them, forcing them to also begin to carry the worry load.  The more they begin to assume and duplicate our burden, the more self-doubt begins to creep into their perspective, thus limiting their growth and potential. Not our intention, surely!

Worrying can be a healthy response to life when it is realistic in its frequency, strength and duration.  When it becomes extreme though, it becomes almost addictive.  We have all heard of adrenalin junkies, those extreme athletes perhaps that pursue the next big adventure that provides them with that adrenalin high.  The truth about worrying though is that it also causes a release of adrenalin into the body, which can prove just as addictive.  We now become worry-junkies, constantly finding something new, something more, to worry about, thus getting our adrenalin fix.  We might get the immediate reinforcement of that adrenalin, but our worry and fears will keep us from going after what it is we want from our life and leave us with nothing but our worries to show for it.

Instead, we need to take control of our thoughts and redirect them in more positive ways.  When we are worrying, we are thinking about the possibility of negative outcomes.  We fear the 'what ifs'.  This is all thinking about the future though.  We are projecting outward the possible negative outcomes of a particular action.  Instead, we need to become more fully present in and focused on the present.  The more we maintain our focus on today, the less we have to worry about.  Every time you find yourself thinking the 'what ifs' or 'yes buts', redirect your thoughts back to the problem at hand and the actions you can take now.

Worry, like fear, is all in the mind.  We are afraid of the possibilities that may potentially exist for us and it paralyzes our actions.  Instead, consider all possibilities.  Nature likes balance... why not you?  Every time you find yourself thinking of  a negative possibility, balance it with its positive counterpart.  Break the negative worry-loop by disrupting the pattern and inserting a potentially positive outcome.  Just beginning to recognise that there are outcomes that may prove helpful and beneficial can go a long way to reducing your anxiety.

Show yourself, and others, your support.  Say... 'I know I (you) will get through this - what can I do now to support it?'  This will prove more helpful to everyone than pointing out every potential pitfall.  And... in the end, adopting the attitude of Bobby McFarren (the title of this blog post) or a mantra from Disney's Lion King... Hakuna Matata...  couldn't hurt either!

 

Frenemies: Are your Friends Sabotaging your Success?

As the song goes... You've got to have friends. As with most other things in life though, not all friends are created equal!

Most of us would consider a friend to be someone we share similar interests with and enjoy spending time with. A true friend though goes beyond this. A true friend is someone that is there to help support you through those difficult life moments and that is there to help you celebrate the joyous ones. They encourage you to strive for more, taking personal pleasure from your successes.

Why then would a friend, especially a 'true' friend, not want to see you succeed or, perhaps more importantly, why might they even work against your success? Research into what Influences the goals of others offers these possible explanations:

Others may have a strong vested interest in you remaining where you are, in maintaining the status quo. Just as we maintain our relationships with others because we 'get' something from them, so too do others have a motivation for remaining friends with us. However, sometimes those motivators require us to remain where we are in order to support (or enhance) their sense of self. In short... Sometimes they feel better about themselves through their comparison to us, on some dimension. If we shift that dimension then it might require them to rethink themselves. If this is undesirable to them then they will do what they can, whether consciously or unconsciously, to prevent us from changing.

Your goal may run counter to their goals for themselves, or possibly even their goals for you. We may see this behaviour from a parent who dissuades their child from choosing a particular career path because it runs counter to the parent's desired career for them. We see this also in friends who have a perspective on what is 'right' for us and who want to save us from making a mistake. Although this may be their conscious motivation, unconsciously their arguments may be driven more by the fact that our goal wouldn't fit well into their plans than because it isn't the right path for us to follow.

We are influenced by some of the smallest, subtlest most unlikely things every day, each having an impact upon how we view ourselves and the world around us. Most of these influencers occur at the unconscious level, making it extremely difficult, if not nigh on impossible, to mitigate the damage. Instead of trying to control the impact of these messages, look to control the environment and the messages themselves.

The Work:

Take a close look at your circle of friends, the people that you spend the most time with. How would you characterize the nature of their involvement with you? Is their influence predominantly positive or negative in nature? Are they quick to work to support your new idea or be the first to tell you why it won't work, why you couldn't possibly succeed?  A good possible indicator is to ask yourself whether you look forward to seeing a particular person or whether you consider it more of a 'chore'. 

Here comes the hard part... If they fall more on the negative side of the equation, consider why they are in your life, why you continue to allow them to negatively impact your goals, successes, and vision of yourself. If you continue to be friends, then it must be because you are getting something from the relationship that you need...

•  Perhaps you are unconsciously afraid of taking that next step and their lack of support and/or criticism of the plan gives you the justification you need not to 'try'
• Maybe you harbour limiting beliefs about yourself and your abilities that their feedback feeds into
• Perhaps you don't feel you are deserving of anything more in your life and they help reinforce that, somehow making 'not' striving for more feel okay
• Maybe you are afraid of confrontation and are hesitant to let them know that until their attitude shifts the two of you can no longer spend time together

Whether your reason for keeping these people in your life is one of the above, or one of your own, the time has come to decide whether their value to you and your life path has reached it's zenith...and let them go.

Instead,consciously surround yourself with others that psychologically support and push your dreams and goals, people that actively and genuinely want the best for you. When times get tough you want people around you that will help shore you up and weather through. Always bear in mind that we want quality friendships, not quantity! If your relationships don't positively serve you in some way then direct your efforts to finding ones that do because, in the end, that"s what friends are for!