Everyone Starts Small

The internet has revolutionized the way in which we work.  It has connected us to more information and more people in ways that would have been impossible without it.  All good, right?

For some though, the availability of information is misleading and can prove de-motivating.  When we Google an idea or a concept we quickly see that there are 372,461 posts about that same idea.  The count may even be in the millions, which instantly leads us to believe that our idea is not new, not novel and will not be of interest to anyone else. They already 'get it' elsewhere.

The internet can quickly serve as a means of comparing ourselves  with others, proving to us that there is nothing 'new' to be done.  Believing that it has all be done before can result in our never bothering to try. After all, why would someone hire us to do it for them (whatever 'it' may happen to be) when there are so many others that have clearly been doing it longer, can do it better, have established systems in place.  With the help of the internet we can quickly find ourselves being sucked down the comparison rabbit-hole which tends to highlight for us why we shouldn't do something rather than why we should.  Our comparisons create doubts and inertia, preventing our ideas and dreams from ever coming to light.

However, we need to broaden our perspective and recognise that every one of us has a blend and mix of unique gifts that no one else has.  Your experiences, outlook and skills will appeal to some in ways that no one else's will.  There are more than 7 billion people on this planet.  It is impossible for those 372,461 folks you googled earlier to have reached them all.  As long as you are offering something that people want and need there will always be a market for your gifts.  

Despite the number of published authors out there, there is always room for more story tellers.  Despite the number of talented singers out there, there is room for more voices and songs.  Despite the number of great Italian or Thai restaurants out there, there is room for another to make a go of it.  

Don't let someone else's success hold you back from seeking your own.

Everyone starts small.  Every 'great' person began as you need to; with a kernel of skill, with limited experience, but with a lot of drive.  The 'greats' got to where they are through practice and experience.  They learned along the way. They didn't wait to be great to start.  It doesn't make sense then to compare yourself to those that are at a different stage in their journey.  

We may be skilled at something but hold ourselves back because we feel that there are others that are better.  What we fail to see though is that there is room out there for us to offer our service too, because it will be different.  Everything you do is imbued with you.  Your 'you-ness' will have an impact on the service you provide simply because it is unique to you. Your 'you-ness' is not duplicatable. 'You' have never been done before which means that, regardless of what you're offering, no one has experienced exactly what it is you do.  No one.  

Singers can all sing the same song but deliver completely different experiences, because each song is imbued with 'them'.  Some appeal to you more than others, while other audiences find others' renditions more appealing.  That's why there is room for more than one singer in the world, more than one author, more than one artist and more than one of whatever you offer.  

Whatever you offer has never been done before because it has not been done by you. You are unique and the world deserves to have you share those unique gifts. Only you can offer them 'you'.  

Authenticity - More than a Buzzword

From 'Authentic' taste to 'Authentic' fit, the word Authentic is fast becoming overused hype.  Our cookies have authentic flavours, our clothing is described as authentic cotton, celebrities are touted to be authentic heroes, authentic athletes, actors and leaders.  The word authentic is quickly becoming so overused that it is in danger of losing all meaning or relevance.

However, as with all buzzwords, it has at its heart an important  message; that we have a desire, if not a need, for truth in our lives.  We're tired of being misled, of products being misrepresented and of people being photo-shopped beyond all reality.  We are looking for truth in advertising and truth in our relationships.  We want the people we interact with to be 'the real deal', to be what they portray.

How difficult can it be for us to be... well... us?

As it turns out, being Authentic is not easy.  We have spent an inordinate amount of our lives learning how to be what others want and expect of us.  Our personal truth does not work for all people and we therefore have learned to hide, hold back or massage our truth in an effort to fit better with the truth of others.  We have invested soheavily in trying to be all things to all people that we have lost touch with our authentic self, our personal truth.

In order to learn to be more Authentic, we must first give ourselves permission to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, to be courageous, to be worthy... just as we are. If learning to be our true selves is the goal, then we must start by believing that it is enough.  If others are not accepting of that then we need to acknowledge  the fault rests in them, not in our truth.  Our truth needn't grow to fit other's expectations of us but, rather, we need to grow enough to learn to fit our truth.

Being Authentic requires daily practice.  It requires us to be more mindful of US.  Who are we really?  What do we want?  What do we like?  What do we dislike?  What are our strengths, our weaknesses, our hopes, our dreams, our inspirations?  The more that we come to know ourselves, the more we can be ourselves.

"You must be the person you have never had the courage to be."  Paulo Coelho

In order to learn to be more authentic we need to try holding ourselves accountable to our truths.  When we find ourselves compromising on our truths we need to question 'why'.  Are we doing it on behalf of someone or something else?  How much do they/it matter to us in comparison to our truths?  If we are willing to compromise our personal truths - are they truly our truths or simply wannabe reflections of the person we think we should be, or want to be, not the true us?  Compromising our truths tells us a good deal about who we really are help us to gain greater clarity.  Sometimes, in practicing our authenticity, we gain greater insight concerning our authentic selves.

Although the word Authentic may be nothing more than a buzzword, taking the time to learn to be more authentic in our relationships and interactions with others may serve to reinforce just what made the concept so buzz-worthy in the first place.

Live Without Regret: Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

How would you choose to live today - if you knew you only had 6 months to live?

Pretty powerful question, isn't it?  However, despite it perhaps being a somewhat morbid thought, we are all dying.  We likely have significantly longer than 6 months, but our time here is limited and, therefore, so too are the experiences that we can choose to fill our time with.

Are you filling your time with experiences that are meaningful and fulfilling?  Will you be in a position to look back on your life with few, if any, regrets?

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said, Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'                             

 (Tim McGraw lyrics - Live Like You Were Dying)

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent a number of years working in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.  She began a blog recording her patients thoughts as they reflected back on their lives and ultimately wrote a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.  She found that there were strong and consistent themes that surfaced repeatedly.

1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

All too often we get caught up in worrying about what others might say or think that we hold ourselves back from doing what we dream of.  We don't dance in the rain, we don't sing with the windows open, we don't laugh out loud.  We live a life of unfulfilled dreams.

What would you do if you weren't worried what others would say?

2.  I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Almost every man Bronnie nursed expressed this regret, of having spent so much of their lives caught up in a race not of their making.  Only you can determine whether your work is fulfilling all of your dreams or not, but it is worth taking the time to assess it's true value to you.

What is working hard giving to you and what is the cost?  Is it worth it?

3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

We often suppress our feelings in order to maintain peace in our relationships and sometimes as a means of avoiding getting hurt.  However, many of us experience stress and illness because of unexpressed and unresolved feelings and, sometimes, we miss out on positive relationships and levels of intimacy because we withhold our feelings.

What feelings are you failing to give voice to that are serving to limit the life you live and the 'you' that you could become?

4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

This is a big one for many people in today's world of never-changing 'busyness'.  We get so caught in the 'doing' of activities that we fail to give our friendships the time and effort they deserve and need to truly flourish.

What friendships have you let slide and what can you do now to reconnect and rekindle them?

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

It is surprising how many feel that happiness is something that happens to them rather than recognising that happiness is a choice.  Old habits and patterns may leave us stuck in our comfort zone rather than pursuing new activities, people and experiences that would open us to the happiness we seek.  Happiness, it seems, is a matter of perspective, of seeing something as an opportunity rather than as a setback.

What steps could you take to reframe the way you are viewing negative or limiting circumstances to free you to feeling happier about your life and options?

Although the fear of dying is pretty universal, thinking about our death should serve not to limit or restrict us, but to motivate us to live our lives more proactively, purposefully and passionately.  Consider this...

What's your greatest regret in life so far... and what will you do NOW to change it?

And... for those of you that have not yet had the pleasure of listening to Tim McGraw's song - Live Like You Were Dying...  do yourself a favor and take a moment now, or you'll regret it!

Life Lessons from the Movies - The Legend of Bagger Vance

If you haven't had the opportunity to watch the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance... do.  There are a number of life lessons that may serve you (plus... it's a good movie!).  In this clip from the film, Will Smith is a caddy providing advice to his golfer, played by Matt Damon.

What's your authentic shot?

What is your true calling in life?  We all have a perfect shot out there, one that is in perfect harmony with all of our gifts and talents, but we have to get out of its way and let it choose us.  Too often we get caught up in the 'shoulds' (what we 'should' be, do and have) and wind up following someone else's prescribed path for us, rather than our own.  Sometimes we continue along a path we chose for ourselves (perhaps as far back as high school) simply because we feel we have invested too much time, energy and money in the path to simply walk away from it.  Sometimes we force fit a path into our lives because we like the sound of it, the money we get from it, or the prestige that goes along with it. Regardless of the reason, we are cluttering the field and throwing obstacles in the way of uncovering our authentic shot.  We get so caught up in living the life we have designed that we fail to hear or respond to the signals we get that clearly tell us that we are destined to walk a different path, that our passion and calling lies on a different field.  We need to still the voices, still the noise, clear the clutter and get out of the way of our authentic shot.  Allow it to choose and flow into you.  That's where you find your passion, where you enter flow and...

Where everything that is... becomes one

House Wanted!

We're moving.  Soon.  The problem is... I haven't yet found a new house to move into.  Okay, so there have been some hiccups along the way preventing me from taking action on this sooner (aren't there always?), but now that I have started looking it is interesting to see the life lessons that I am getting.

To start with, we are downsizing.  We don't need a large house anymore (kids are 'mostly' gone!) and, quite honestly, I would rather travel the world with my money than sit in something my money pays for.  I don't consider myself particularly materialistic, so I figured that the downsizing 'thing' would be a snap.  However, it is amazing how much 'stuff' you accumulate over the years that becomes labelled 'necessary' to and for the way you live.  Sheer number of books alone requires more shelving than I will ultimately have.

I started the house-search with few requirements.  I, mistakenly, believed that I would be an 'easy' client to please.  Once out looking though, it quickly became apparent that instead of my adapting to fit the house, I am going to require adaptations be made to the house, to fit the way I live.

For instance, I do not and will not require both an eat-in kitchen and a dining room.  One or the other will need to go to give me more usable space.  Kitchens are make or break areas for me.  If it doesn't at least have the potential to be a kitchen that is functional for me... I'm done.  Don't even show me the rest of the house because I won't get past it.

What I am discovering is that in order for any new house I purchase to become my 'home', I will need to make some changes to the house that allow it to work to fit the way I live. I am unwilling to modify the way I live to fit the house.

This is a lesson hard-won over my lifetime;  having often found myself over the years compromising my choices on behalf of others.  Typically, these 'compromises' made the other party far happier than they ever made me.  Perhaps I'm unwilling to compromise my wants in purchasing a house because I have money on the line, but it's sad to recognise that all of my compromises in the past also came with a price.  One which I'm not sure that I was clear on having paid.

My lesson through all of this?  Ensure that you are clear about exactly what you are getting from your exchanges with others AND what the cost to you is.  Don't ever say yes unless it is a price you are willing to pay.  I know that I have been guilty of over-paying in the past.  If this experience has taught me anything it has highlighted for me an unwillingness to continue to pay for something that I am not getting an equitable return from.  Certainly not in business and not in my personal life anymore either.

Will I find the perfect house?  No.  But really, I'm not looking for perfection.  I simply want a house that has the potential to become my home.  As long as it has the ability to change to fit my lifestyle I'm willing to sign.

Charisma: The 'It' Factor

Bill Clinton has 'it'.

Julia Roberts has 'it'.

Lady Di had 'it'.

John F. Kennedy had 'it'.

What is this intangible something that seems to separate these individuals from those around them, that makes them seem... well... somehow 'more' than everyone else?  It is, in a word, Charisma.

Although it is hotly debated whether charisma is something you're born with or whether it can be developed, I am firmly in the latter camp.  Although I believe that our innate personality plays a role in determining the ease with which we employ these skills (the 'Naturals'), we all have the ability to become more charismatic.

According to Ronald Riggio, PhD and Professor of Leadership and Organizational Change at Claremont McKenna College, there are three main components comprising Charisma.

Expressiveness.  

This is our relative ability to strike up conversations with others, to openly and easily share our thoughts and feelings.  Interestingly, despite most people feeling as though others converse more comfortably and easily than they do, research shows that individuals who truly enjoy making small-talk are in the minority.  Therefore, taking the responsibility for initiating small talk from the other person (who is likely just as hesitant and uncomfortable as you feel), will typically earn their gratitude and heighten your appeal.

Control.  

This is our ability to modify and adapt our persona to fit the needs of a group, the environment or the mood.  This does not imply that you become a totally different person in each situation, but it does speak to the ability to adjust your dial (like a thermostat) a little lower or high to fit/suit what is required.

Sensitivity.  

This is the ability to truly listen to another person, to 'hear' beyond just the verbal content of their message.  This requires both an openness to picking up on others' emotions and a willingness and ability to express your own.

In general, in order to appear more charismatic to others, it is important that you shift from an internal to external mental orientation.  All too often we are focused interanlly, on our own thoughts, wants and needs.  As a result, we are not as open to others around us, not as interested in their stories, as we are in sharing our own.  We appear less interested and, as a result, are seen as less interesting.

Instead, we need to learn to activate an outward orientation to, in a manner of speaking, be out of our heads - present instead to those around us.  This is what some refer to as being present in the moment.  Regardless of its name though, the intent is the same.  You direct your thoughts and energies toward those that you are engaging in conversation.  Giving them 100% of your attention is what makes you more appealing and, ultimately, more charismatic.

This may sound like a much easier task than it proves to be in practice.  In fact though, that's exactly what it will take to improve your Charisma Quotient... practice!  Whenever you find yourself listening to your own internal dialogue instead of the voice of the person you're speaking with... refocus!  Kick yourself out of your head and redirect your attention.  Make eye contact, give the speaker cues (both visual and vocal) that indicate you are engaged.

Truly charismatic people are authentic.  They tend to be those that genuinely like and are interested in others.  If you tend to dislike more people than you like, you may find it more challenging to display interest and maintain your focus on others.  To increase your ability to do so, you need to open yourself to discovering more to like in and about others.  To help with this, try the following exercise at your next networking event.

The Work...

Instead of just making small talk and moving on, task yourself with the challenge of having to discover something fascinating and/or redeeming about at least three people present.  This not only has you strengthening your ability to show interest in others but it also helps you to discover that everyone has a story that can open them to you.  You need only to uncover it.  In doing so, you will likely appear more interesting and charismatic in turn.