Great Leaders are Great Listeners

As you move up within a company, it is pretty easy to get caught up giving voice to your own opinions. After all, they gave you leadership responsibility because you know 'stuff'. Important stuff. Stuff about how to get other stuff done.  Stuff that will help the company be more successful.  It's only right to share that knowledge with others.

However, getting caught up in sharing what we know is problematic on two key fronts.  First, it does not provide an opportunity for our people to share what they know, thereby stunting their growth and secondly, it limits us to what we know already, thereby stunting our own.

To be a successful and effective leader, it is important to realize that you can't possibly know everything, or be skilled in everything. Your role is to lead, manage and direct others who do have the knowledge and skills that you need. Therefore, a key skill for a leader to master is the ability to Listen to others.

Just 'Hearing' someone isn't enough.  Hearing refers to the sounds that someone is making, the words they are sharing.  Listening however requires you to pay attention not just to what is being shared but to the nuance of how it's being told.  Truly listening allows you to take in the subtext of the message. Effective listening means that you understand not just what the person said, but how they felt about what they shared.

One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.  Bryan M. McGill

Richard Branson has frequently attributed Listening as one of his greatest success secrets. However, truly listening isn't easy, it is work. It requires a level of focus, engagement and concentration that merely hearing what is being said does not.  If you find that you are consciously aware of what you want to say in reply or rebuttal to what someone is saying, then you are not fully listening to them. You are not listening, you are waiting to speak.

Use the following tips to help you strengthen your Listening skills...

1. Give your undivided attention.  If you are focused elsewhere then you truly aren't listening. A person is sharing far more with you than just what their words are telling you.  If you are not paying attention to their delivery then you are missing a significant portion of what they are telling you - both consciously and unconsciously
2. Maintain eye contact.  Looking at a person when they are speaking to you demonstrates interest and respect.  It also allows you to observe their non-verbal communication which is critical in understanding everything that is being shared.
3. Be mindful of your body language.  Just as you can pick up significant cues and information from someone`s delivery so too are they picking up messages from yours.  You want to appear open and accepting of their opinions which requires that your body language appear open and non-judgemental.  No deep sighs, eye rolls and turning away in your seat!
4. Don`t interject or interrupt.  Allow them to give full voice to their thoughts and opinions. Interrupting sends the message that you feel what you have to share is more important, that you`re done listening, that you`re not interested in what they have to say.
5. Ask questions to clarify - not to challenge. Your questions should be used to help enhance your understanding of their message and position, not to highlight what you view as deficiencies.
6. Verify what you`ve heard.  Summarize what you've heard to ensure that you have not misinterpreted what they've shared.  Many arguments have arisen simply because someone misinterpreted what was being shared, which could have been avoided had they verified their understanding first.
7. Encourage new thoughts. You are seeking the thoughts and opinions of others for multiple reasons, one of which should be to test and expand your understanding of the situation. You must therefore be open to listening to new approaches and solutions. Don`t shut the sharing down simply because you don`t like what you are hearing or don't agree with what is being proposed.  Being open to new ideas means inviting them in.

At it`s most basic, communication is broken down into two components; speaking and listening. Most people put their effort and focus into the speaking side of the equation, failing to recognise the effort and skill that is required to truly listen effectively to others.  Great leaders though don`t. They know how important it is to listen to those they want to follow them.  They know how much they can learn and understand about their followers if they simply listen. 

The hopes, dreams, values and motivations of people are out there waiting for someone to listen. What are your people saying?  Are you listening?

The #1 Secret to Becoming a more Effective Listener

We all know how important effective communication is to our success.  If we can't get our ideas across to others then we are done.  The flip side to our ability to share our ideas (whether through speaking or writing) is our ability to listen.  Although there is no true communication taking place without listening, it is a skill that many lack.  Most are so caught up in their own messages that they fail to actually listen to those being delivered by others.  This proves problematic not only for the productivity of the organization as a whole but for the growth of each individual contributor.

Most articles on Effective Listening will highlight the need to strengthen listening abilities by doing the following:

• Utilize effective body language - direct eye contact, leaning in, tilting the head slightly
• Ask pertinent questions
• Don't multi-task
• Remove distractions
• Offer listening cues: head nods, smiles, mm-hmms,..
• Paraphrase to ensure understanding
• Hold back on interjecting with your thoughts, opinions, information

All of the above are great tips, but they are all about 'how' to listen better.  Ultimately, they are not worth anything if you don't want to actually hear what the other person has to say.  Therefore, the key to good listening is - Desire.  You have to 'want' to hear the other person, you have to 'want' to understand their position, you have to 'want' to gain new insights and new information.  Without desire you won't activate any of the items from the list above, you won't shift your focus from your communicative needs to address the needs of others.

There is a story that is told of Franklin Roosevelt who was tired of making small talk and offering meaningless flattery at various receptions and in receiving lines.  Truly one of the tiresome aspects of the role itself no doubt.  However, he decided to determine how much people really paid attention to the comments and greetings made in such situations. The next reception he attended, while standing in the receiving line, he greeted everyone by cheerfully sharing "I murdered my Grandmother this morning".  Most were so caught up in themselves, so focused on making a good impression, that they responded with "Congratulations" and "Keep up the good work" and "I admire what you've done" platitudes.  It wasn't until near the end of the line, when greeting a Foreign Diplomat from Bolivia with his greeting of "I murdered my grandmother this morning" that he was actually heard.  The gentleman paused, leaned in and quietly responded "I'm sure she had it coming".  

How many of the messages surrounding us do we miss because we are not entering the engagement with the desire to hear so much as to be heard?  If our focus is firmly upon ourselves then we are not going to be attending to what others have to say.  We may 'hear' it but we aren't truly listening. Listening effectively requires focus.  It requires us to pay attention to not only what is being said, but also to how.  The 'how' provides the subtext.  Therefore, true listening requires a depth of attentiveness that allows us to pick up on both the verbal and non-verbal messages being delivered. Truly listening is work. It takes effort and therefore, we need to want to do it.  It's all in our desire.

Long story short?  The secret to becoming a better, more effective Listener?  Ya gotta wanna.  

Overcoming Communicational Roadblocks

You're in a meeting, charged with developing a solution to a very real business issue.  There are two ideas tabled and two different factions representing each idea.  The past 45 minutes have been spent with each group pushing their idea forward and no forward movement being made.

Sound familiar?

This is a common scenario we face, both within our business and personal lives, where people get so caught up in their point of view that they fail to truly listen to the views of another or to seek a common solution.  It ends up becoming a push to determine who is 'right' rather than finding the best result.  This creates conflict, can lead to resentment and hard feelings, all of which serve to create roadblocks to working effectively in future.

The best action that you can take, when you find yourself on one side of the two-sided argument is to stop, take a breath... and listen.  We get so caught up in our wants, needs, opinions that we typically stop truly listening to what the other party is actually saying.  We begin focusing on being heard and end up shutting down our hearing, let alone our bid to understand. If you are looking to reach a resolution, and not just push your agenda forward, then listening is the way out.  The following tips will help you to break through the one-sided dialogues taking place and shift back into having a conversation about the issue.

1.  Look at the other party and make eye contact.  Once we shift our focus on ourselves - our solution, our desired outcome, our needs - our eyes tend to shift also.  It is difficult to convince someone that we care about what they need and want if we are not even looking at them.  We unconsciously direct our upper torso and eyes toward what we are interested in.  Show your interest in what others have to say by angling your upper body and eyes toward them.

2.  If you feel that you are not being heard... then chances are good that you are not listening.  If you feel that the other party is not paying attention to your points, odds are that you have also shut them down and are not listening fully to what they have to say.  Opening yourself to truly listening to them will demonstrate the behaviour you want and expect from them.  Listen first.  You can't expect someone to show you the respect and courtesy you expect without also engaging in it!

3.  Take notes.  Not only does taking notes indicate to the other party that you are paying attention to what they are saying but it also helps you to stay focused.  This is helpful if you tend to have an unruly mind that wants to wander off sometimes, but it is always helpful in highlighting to the other party that you have a desire to capture their key points.

4.  Focus on what you agree on.  We get caught up in our differences.  However, only focusing on the areas of difference makes them appear far larger then they typically are.  By focusing on what areas you agree on, you build some commonality which serves to put the areas of difference into perspective.  You may find that the few things you disagree on are more easily overcome when you realize that they are not as all encompassing as once believed.

5.  Create mental pictures.  By trying to form a mental picture of what the other person is saying, you will find that you listen with more intent and focus.  This not only helps you to appear more interested and open to them, but helps you to pick up a level of detail that you might otherwise have overlooked.

6.  Listen with the intent to understand, not overcome.  You are not listening to what someone has to say only so that you can refute each point.  Listen to understand the other person's position, their unspoken concerns, and  what is truly important to them.  It is through that you will be able to find a solution to fit all needs.

I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.     Larry King

Top 5 Tips for Improving your Emotional Intelligence

I am a student of success.  I believe that my clients, regardless of the presenting reasons they provide for hiring me as a coach, are all looking for greater success in their lives and careers.  This means that the more I learn about success factors the more I have to share with others.  My recent book is testimony to my ongoing fascination with the subject, providing you with 365 quick, actionable tips for success.

Despite my commitment to and fascination with learning, 'book' smarts are not enough to be successful.  You also need 'street' smarts to succeed, which is where Emotional Intelligence kicks in.  Studies are now showing just how critical Emotional Intelligence is to the success equation.  In fact, recent studies have found that 90% of top performers, within the organizations reviewed, are all high on the Emotional Intelligence scale.  These and other findings have led top Business Schools such as Yale to begin looking at Emotional Intelligence scores, along with high academic scores, to bolster their admittance criteria.  Their focus means it should also be your focus!

Consider Emotional Intelligence to be two key skill areas:

• the ability to express and control our emotions
• coupled with the ability to understand, interpret and respond appropriately to the emotions of others

Despite some ongoing debate on whether Emotional Intelligence is innate or can be learned, I believe strongly in the ability of each of us to improve whatever natural skills we were born with.  Indeed, much of my coaching practice enhances skills that relate to Emotional Intelligence, despite that not being the primary intent.  In order to help you to strengthen your skills and thereby heighten your success, I have pulled together what I feel are the Top 5 tips that will help you to develop your Emotional Intelligence.

1. Increase your Self Awareness.  You can't change or improve what you don't know needs changing or improvement.  If you do not regularly receive constructive feedback from others (360's are great tools for this) then you might want to explore some options for gaining some unbiased feedback regarding how others perceive you, how you interact with others, etc.  If your company doesn't offer tools such as this for their employees, or for your level, consider investing in it yourself.  Great leaders seek out the truth in how they come across to others in order to improve.  You need to do the same.
2. Strengthen and Practice your Communication Skills.  We know that our words have power but we often overlook the fact that 50 - 93% of our messages are conveyed through non-verbal channels.  The more that you strengthen your non-verbals skills, and your ability to read those of others, the greater your emotional intelligence quotient will be.
3. Develop your Listening Skills.  Yes, I know that technically Listening is part of the Communication process but in reality most people are either speaking or waiting to speak.  There is very little listening taking place.  Listening is usually an under-developed communication skill and deserves to be highlighted.  Everyone wants to be heard.  Your learning to listen more intentionally and purposefully helps you to receive more information from your dialogues with others.  Additionally, it develops the focus needed to help you recognise many of the messages coming from secondary messaging streams (like through non-verbals)
4. Show Interest in Others.  The more that you understand about the others you interact with the greater your ability to engage them positively.  Consider how valuable it would prove if you knew their interests, family situation, values, motivations.  Paying attention to others and showing interest in them, beyond what they can do for you, helps them to feel connected and valued which, in turn, makes them want to do more for you!
5. Learn to Recognise your Stress Triggers & Cues.  Let's face it, when we're stressed out we are likely to be more emotional, have a shorter fuse and be paying more attention to ourselves than to others.  In short, we tend to exercise less emotional intelligence in these stressed moments.  Improving our ability to recognise stressful moments (so we see 'em coming!) helps us to put more structure and support systems in place.  We therefore navigate the situation better, thereby reducing our stress level and leaving ourselves better able to manage our emotional response to it.  Sometimes though, stress sneaks up on us and we don't have the luxury of recognising it and planning for it.  It is therefore also useful to learn to recognise our stress cues, understanding how stress tends to manifest itself within us. For example, you may feel stress in your head primarily, resulting in your sleeping poorly, experiencing difficulty in concentrating, feeling the need to create to-do lists of your to-do lists.  If you learn to identify where you feel stress and how it typically manifests then you can use any of those cues as your early warning system, knowing that when they show up you are likely not in the best emotional state, highlighting the need to manage your emotional responses more consciously until you are under control again.

Like any muscle, you need to use a skill to strengthen it.  The 5 tips above will help you to grow and strengthen your Emotional Intelligence helping you to not only become more adept in managing and regulating your emotional responses but in perceiving and understanding the emotional cues of others.  Not only proving to be a tremendous asset in building your Success but skills that epitomize truly great Leaders.

(for more information on Emotional Intelligence you might want to check out Daniel Goleman's books below, which should be a part of any business and success library)

 

Conversationally Speaking

Despite technologies making us more available and providing us with the means to connect with others around the globe, actual conversations are our greatest tool for forming true connections with others.  If our conversations serve as a means of connecting us with others, then it stands to reason that the type and nature of the conversation drives the nature of the connection.

However, creating powerful and positive connections require more than merely talking at someone else.  It requires true engagement.  Our words can impact others, sometimes in unexpected ways.  Words can trigger emotional responses that are based on the individual's past history and baggage.  Each experience lays an additional layer onto existing perspectives, becoming more embedded in the psyche.

In looking to connect with others through our conversations, it is important to establish a foundation of trust. Scientists have determined that there are powerful conversational rituals that serve to 'prime' the brain to establish trust, to enter into partnerships with others.  Specific neuro-chemicals get released into the brain that signal the trust/distrust response, the brain picking up those messages in roughly .07 seconds.

In her book 'Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust & get Extraordinary Results', Judith Glaser defines Conversational Intelligence as the intelligence that is hardwired into every human, allowing us to navigate and connect successfully with others.  She outline 3 levels of conversations, each with its own purpose and result.

1. Transactional - Informs.  This is the common Tell/Ask format, where we are usually looking for give and take.
2. Positional - Persuades.  This is more the Advocate/Inquire format, where we are generally looking to establish win/win collaborative results.
3. Transformational - Co-Creates.  This involves more of a process of mutual exchange, where we share our expertise, looking to partner with each other.

In general, in attempting to ensure we build trust during our conversations, we must focus on 

• Truly listen to the other party, without judgment (this is the same principle as Stephen Covey so aptly named in his 7 Habits... Seek first to understand)
• Ask questions to further your understanding, not as a means to get someone where you want them to go. Leading others through your questions leaves others feeling manipulated.
• Watch for signals/cues from others indicating their response.  if you aren't getting the desired reaction then reframe and redirect your approach, don't push.

Technology may be great at keeping people informed, but it takes actual conversations with others to establish and build the trust needed to feel truly connected.  Use the tips above to help you strengthen your Conversational Intelligence and begin forging stronger connections and networks.  

If you are interested in reading more about the concept of Conversational Intelligence, then you might want to pick up Judith Glaser's book below.  It's worth the read!

Are You Listening?

I was thinking about our listening abilities the other day.  No, this didn't just come out of the blue.  Like so many thoughts I have this one was spurred by two incidents, both of which happened while up here at the cottage (yes, I'm looking out over the lake as I type this...)

1. I was sitting reading on the front porch beside my husband when I turned to him, commenting on something that I heard the neighbours say while they were out swimming, maybe two-thirds of a football field away.  Bear in mind that sound travels amazingly well over water.  My husband was stunned that I could hear them clearly from that that distance... although he could tell they were speaking he couldn't decipher any of their conversation.


2. As with many cottages, we have had issues periodically with mouse invasions.  A friend recommended that we try the sonic mouse deterrents they had installed in their cottage - having had great success with them.  These are small devices that, when plugged into an outlet, emit sonic noises that are uncomfortable to mice and deter them from setting up home anywhere near them.  This noise is apparently undetectable to humans.  As soon as they were plugged in though, I commented on the low-level hum that they emitted.  No...  I don't think I have the hearing sensitivities of a mouse, but the device does have a small motorized sound to it that is constant and a little irritating at first.  My husband of course... hears nothing.

These two incidences are what got me started thinking about our hearing.  Given that I don't possess 'super' listening powers, why the differences in our abilities?  The one conclusion I reached was that our jobs are very different.  Much of the work that he does is in his head... analyzing, computing, reporting.  It is a very one-sided form of communication. Certainly he has meetings and speaks with people, but the level and type of listening is very different from my own. 

In my role as a coach and trainer, certainly in my role of 'reading' others, I am paying close attention to the nuances of messages.  Tonal shifts in speaking voices are telling, as are shifts in volume, pace and pitch.  My conscious listening habits while at 'work' I supposed, meant that my listening skills in general were more enhanced.

In researching this further (and yes, I really do go look this 'stuff' up!) it appears that although 60% of all communication time is spent listening, we only retain less than 25% of what we hear.  In our modern world, which is becoming more busy, more noisy... it seems we are losing our listening skills. 

• We are bombarded by noise and sound, which is leading us to develop more selective hearing, unconsciously electing to not hear more and more sounds.  Just as people living close to airports for instance no longer consciously hear the planes flying overhead, we too unconsciously learn to ignore certain repetitive sounds in our lives.  Although we can consciously attend to and hear them when directed to, we learn to cancel out repetitive noises to increase our own personal comfort


• There are now so many ways and means for us to record and play back conversations and information that we no longer feel the need to pay as close attention in the first place, knowing we can 'listen' later


• So many people walk around with headphones plugged into their ears that they are creating their own little personal sound bubbles.  We are therefore teaching ourselves that we can only attend to minimal and directed sound


• As the demands on our time increase we are becoming more and more impatient in our listening, requiring people to get to the point.  Twitter, Facebook and email communications have taught us that we need to communicate in sound bites, thereby reducing the need (and perhaps desire) to communicate messages through conversations


• There are increasing demands for our attention as well, with media alone bombarding us with constant messaging, such that we are becoming desensitized to these messages.  Ads are now becoming more graphic - bigger, bolder, more blatant - in an effort to get noticed.  As a result, we are missing the more subtle pieces and forms of information and communication.

As a result of the above though, we are developing into a nation (if not a world) of poor listeners.  We are missing much of what is happening in the world around us and increasing not just the odds of miscommunicating but of misunderstanding and misinterpreting the messages we are receiving..  If listening is our access to truly understanding, then learning to listen more consciously represents our path back to increasing our understanding of the world, and people, around us.

Julian Treasure, sound expert, offers the following five suggestions for increasing your ability to reconnect yourself to the world of sound...

1. Practice 3 minutes of silence a day in order to recalibrate your ears.  If you can't manage silence, go for three minutes of quiet.  Use this time to allow your hearing to once again tune into the smaller, more subtle noises around you.


2. When you find yourself in a mixed-noise environment (like a coffee bar, cocktail party etc.), sit back and listen, trying to isolate the sounds.  Try to focus on only one sound in particular. When you've isolated it from the noise around you, select another to attend to.  Challenge yourself to decipher as many separate channels of noise as you can.


3. Learn to hear, savour and enjoy the mundane sounds around you.  (such as the dishwasher, car engine, sonic mouse repellent)  This helps you to break through the unconscious filters you have placed on your listening, allowing you to more consciously select and choose what you wish to listen to and hear.


4. Play with your listening positions, in order to hear differently.  Julian emphasizes that the position that we take in a conversation very much determines the outcome of what we've heard.  To change the content of the messages received, change the listening position you have adopted.  For example... switch from active to passive listening, reductive to expansive, critical to empathetic.


5. Use the Acronym RASA (sanskrit for Juicy or Essence) to help you be a better listener.


• R - Receive (pay attention)


• A - Appreciate (provide supportive behaviours and sounds to the speaker)


• S - Summarize (to demonstrate and validate understanding)


• A - Ask questions

Learning to listen better and more attentively can open you to significantly more information in your communicative processes.  There are a lot of messages delivered through more subtle systems than we might otherwise catch.  Opening ourselves to hearing them may provide us with a wealth of information that would enhance our relationships and decisions.  Now... if they would discover a sonic mouse deterrent that was as quiet as the proverbial mouse... I'd be a happy woman.