Tip Thursday - Language

Sometimes a small subtle shift in our language is all that is standing in our way. Align your language with your desired positive outcomes - what you DO want - not with the potential downside of the activity.

Instead of... What if they say NO? ask... What if they say YES?
Instead of... What if it doesn't work out? ask... What if it does?

Focusing on what you don't want leaves you building your defenses, leaving you ill-prepared to take advantage of opportunities that arise. Orient your brain to focus on what you do want, to get it working on moving you forward.

Swapping Words: A Path to Success

At the heart of this blog post is the foundational belief that the only thing standing in the way of you and your success is... you.  Unfortunately for most of us, we don`t openly recognise exactly how we are blocking ourselves from achieving all that we desire.

Most of us have clarity over everything that we want.  The challenge is that although we want more, we just don`t want to have to do more to get it. This isn't a comfortable thing for us to acknowledge though, certainly not to others.  Turning to our boss and saying that yes, we would certainly love to get a promotion - just as long as we didn't have to do anything more to get or keep it - isn't likely going to get us that promotion after all.

Instead, we create reasons to explain `why` we didn't get that promotion.  We use our reasons to explain our behaviour.  However, our reasons are simply our obstacles, our excuses. They form barriers that excuse us from taking the action that would move us forward. We can become so committed to our reasons that they become our truth, becoming embedded in our very language.

According to Professor Bernard Roth, of Stanford University, in his book The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life, there are 5 primary phrases that we should eliminate from our language.  Swapping these dis-empowering words for alternatives that are more positive and compelling can have an immediate impact on heightening our achievement and success rate.

Professor Roth`s Top 5 List...

• Swap out `But` with `And` - The word But is an extremely limiting word that is often misused in place of the word And.  Enough so that it even sounds correct when used that way. However, its use can shift a neutral statement into a negative one.  Consider a person who is afraid of flying and is offered an amazing internship on the other side of the country.  Saying "I want this internship BUT I'm afraid of flying" shuts down the opportunity.  Using 'but' in this way links two very separate truths, making one sound like a reason to not pursue the first. Replacing 'but' with 'and' though allows your mind to separate the truths and to therefore recognise that accepting the internship simply requires finding alternative ways to deal with the fear of flying.
• Swap out 'Have to' with 'Want to'  -  The use of the phrase 'have to' makes the circumstance sound as though it is being forced upon you, creating resistance and resentment.  Swapping it with the phrase 'want to' reminds us that we have personal choice.  We don't 'have to' take a course to upgrade our skills, we 'want to' open up future opportunities by taking it.
• Swap out 'Can't' with 'Won't'  - This is an interesting one to consider since most of us find ourselves describing what we can't do quite often.  However, the use of can't implies that something is impossible for us.  Saying that we can't drive a car implies that it is physical impossible for us to do so, while saying that we won't drive a car reflects our personal choice not to learn to drive.  You are in control of what you choose to learn to do or not.  Replacing can't with won't is empowering, putting the decision firmly back in your control.
• Swap out 'I'm afraid to' with 'I'd like to' -  Using the phrase I'm afraid to, as a reason not to pursue a course of action, acknowledges your fear, rather than your desire, giving the fear more weight.  By highlighting your fear you set your mind up to awfulize the situation, to consider all that could go wrong, creating a big roadblock.  Saying I'd like to acknowledges your desire, which is more positive and pleasant.  Generally highlighting the positive benefits of taking a course of action makes it far more compelling, increasing the likelihood that you will pursue it.
• Swap out 'Help' with 'Assist' - When we ask someone to help us, we are reducing our personal sense of empowerment.  The word 'help' is associated with helplessness creating an image of someone incapable of completing the task on their own.  However, looking for someone to assist you recognises that you have the capability on your own, if you chose to. Far more empowering.

Our language helps to shape the way that we view the world around us and, perhaps more importantly, how we view ourselves.  I'm willing to bet that you could hear yourself in one if not more of the examples given above. The five word swaps above, if made consistently, would represent enough of a positive impact on your personal perspective of you to up your Achievement and Success profile. Which ones are you going to activate and swap for your increased success?

Eliminating 'Forever' Thinking

I'm going to work here forever.

We're going to be married forever.

This will be my career forever.

I am going to live in this house forever.

We will be friends forever.

We've all said it, at some time, about some-one, about some-thing and... at that moment... we likely believed it or wished it to be true.  It seems relatively innocent and simple, but there is an inherent danger in attaching absolute terms like Forever and Always and Never to our actions.  Forever is an absolute, defining a very specific time frame.  It does not leave room for variations or alternatives.

Definition of Forever:  For all future time; for always; continually

When we mentally commit to something 'Forever', it means that there are other things you will never be, do or have as a result. This may or may not necessarily be a bad thing, but few of us consciously used the 'Forever' term with a clear picture of what choices we were agreeing to NOT make in the future.

Forever, by its very definition, is a restrictive and limiting term, creating a rigid belief and expectation of and for your life.

• If you believe that you will work at a your current job/organization - Forever - then you will fail to explore other options and may limit your opportunities and growth.  You may remain with an employer and in a role that no longer serves you. 
• If you believe that you will be friends with someone - Forever - then you may continue to allow a toxic person to remain in your life, long after you should have moved on.
• If you believe that you will live in your current house - Forever - then you will likely miss out on job and life opportunities that may have taken you elsewhere, failed to have downsized when the market (and your income) indicated you should, may have missed out on a house that would have suited you and your lifestyle better, or even considered alternatives to owning a house.

Forever is a lock with no key.

Instead, consider replacing the word Forever with one of the following...

• as long as it works
• as long as it serves me
• as long as it makes sense
• as long as I choose

Each of these phrases is liberating.  They are For Now thinking instead of Forever thinking.  There is no longer a lock that you cannot escape from.  You are in relationships and jobs that you choose to be in.  You are living in a way that continues to serve you, not based on a decision that you made decades ago that you mistakenly determined would be... 'Forever'.  

• You aren't happy in your current career?  Change it!  You needn't be locked into a career path for life, based solely on a decision you made when you were in high school.  Choose today what will make you happy and do what you need to make it happen.
• You have relationships that exhaust and drain you?  People in your life that continue to undermine your confidence and belief in yourself, that are constantly sticking pins in your Joy balloons?  Ditch 'em.  If they take away far more than they add then they have long outgrown any positive purpose they had served in your life.

This doesn't mean that all of our Forever decisions need to be changed; there are many we likely want to keep.  However, keep them because you continue to choose them, not because you feel locked into them. Life is constantly changing and we need to be capable of changing along with it.  Eliminating the hidden barriers to change, that absolute words like Forever, Always and Never create, allows us greater flexibility and adaptability, enjoying greater levels of success and happiness...  For Now.