Turning Small Talk into a Conversation

Let's face it, few of us can truly say that we enjoy making small talk. It may be a necessary part of the meet-and-greet process, but most of us are simply biding our time until we can get to the 'real' content, the business dialogue. However, much of the success of that business dialogue rests with how well you manage to connect with the other party...while making small talk!

 

Although there are a number of tips and techniques to help make those magical first moments work for you, one overlooked element revolves around the small talk itself. Most people make the mistake of allowing the conversation to remain light and superficial... how was the drive, how is the weather, how are you feeling... You get it! However, you both want and need to have the opportunity to show interest in the other party as a person, to get to know more about them and what matters to them. In order to do this you must shift the small talk from a dialogue like any other they have had when first meeting someone, to a conversation more reminiscent of one they would have with a friend. This then, in turn, leads their brain to believe that you too much be a friend. And...don't we all prefer working with people we like?

 

To get this edge, employ a technique that I refer to as 'clicking'. When reading articles on the Internet, we have the ability to 'click' on different words embedded within the content of the article that allow us to go deeper into that subject. In doing so, we gain deeper and richer information about that word or concept.

 

Consider doing the same while in conversation with someone. When listening to them, mentally 'click' on a word or phrase they used and formulate a follow-up question around it. Asking these questions provides you with a number of benefits...

• It allows you to go a level below the original superficial statement.
• The other party now has to begin thinking, which means they have now become engaged in the process of speaking with you. It forces them to become present to the conversation.
• You demonstrate to them that you were listening to what they had to say. This shows respect.
• By 'clicking' on a comment of theirs you are showing your interest in their thoughts and what they have to say. Showing interest in them makes you appear more interesting in turn.
• When you shift to the 'business' portion of your conversation you will already be conversing at a deeper level, and will be more likely to experience a greater degree of openness and rapport in that dialogue immediately.

Give it a try.  You may find that 'clicking' on an element of their content allows you both to 'click' more fully.

A Life Well Lived

I read an article recently where they described the life of a well known author as a live 'well-lived'. That descriptive phrase stuck with me and I have to admit that I have been mulling it over for a number of weeks. In the end, I am still left with the question... What does a life well-lived look like?

Granted, we likely are all going to have our own highly individualized interpretations of what a life well-lived will mean to us. This is as it should be because, in the end, it is our life! However, I would hazard a guess that there are few of us that would look at a 60+ hour work week, spent pushing through someone else's projects and initiatives, with our off hours attached to the office through all of the devices that were supposed to save us time.. as indicative of the good life!

Instead, many find themselves living lives of quiet and consuming frustration, working consistently long hours, at a job they hate, to buy things they don't need, in order to impress people they don't like.  A life well-lived?  I think not!

Instead... we need to take back control and design our own lives.  Leaving it up to someone else simply means we spend our time fulfilling their needs and wants, never our own.  As for leaving our lives and careers in the hands of a corporation... well... let's face it.  Even the best intentioned companies want the most out of you that they possibly can. 

The Work...

To start...  write your definition.  What does a life well-lived look like to you?  Imagine it, then describe it.

Now... weigh your existing 'life' against it.  There are likely gaps, things you aren't doing and things you're doing too much of.  Did you have words like I couldn't, I shouldn't coming to mind?  Those are key trigger words for Fear.  Fear of trying something new, fear of failing, fear of embarassment, fear of ... something.  In order to live that life you imagined, it will be necessary to fight through that fear, to push beyond it.  The good news though... you don't need to push through in one giant leap.

Consider what small changes and steps you could make now that would move you closer toward truly living within the life you have, the life you've been given.  Begin taking control and consciously crafting a life of your choosing.  With list in hand... pick one action step that you can do now and... do it!

As for my definition of a life well-lived?  I've always been partial to the vision in my mind stimulated by the following description I once read somewhere (sorry, I don't know who to credit for this and I am paraphrasing...)

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!"

That's my vision.  What's yours?