Managing Your Emotional Thermometer

There are times where, despite our best intentions, our emotions seem to get the better of us. We get caught up in what we are feeling, losing control over our behaviours and the conversation.  Rarely does this work out for us, the end result never being a outcome we would have developed deliberately or strategically.

Some people seem to be much more in tune with their emotions, able to control their responses almost effortlessly.  They appear cool, calm and collected in most situations, maintaining an even-keeled perspective.  Although taken at an extreme this calm demeanour may appear uncaring or distanced (think Mr. Spock here), they will typically appear far more professional and credible than someone flying off the handle at every slight.

If our desire then is to manage our emotional responses better, to heighten our professional presence, just how can we learn to control emotional responses when they are something that 'just happens'?

The first step is to create a visual representation of your emotions. Consider that your emotional responses run on a continuum of behaviour from 'everything is fine' to full out 'catastrophe'. It is often helpful to picture a thermometer beside this continuum, such that the rising temperature of the thermometer is indicative of your rising emotions.

Creating this visual helps you to establish an internal emotional gauge of your responses.  Some of my clients like to attach numbers to their thermometer while others like to use colours, with green being at the bottom of the thermometer (safe zone), rising through yellow (warning) and red at the top (danger).  Whichever you choose it is important to attach some labels that fit for you, that reflect the type of emotions you are typically experiencing at each level.

Think of different instances you have experienced; what you were feeling at the time and what behaviours you engaged in.  Put these on your Thermometer chart to help you in gauging your emotional responses quickly when in future situations. Spending the time when you are calm and controlled will help you to gain the clarity and control you need during a more emotionally laden situation.

What's the temperature of your upset?

For each of the main emotional levels you have identified on your Thermometer (whether key numbers or colours), consider what practical actions would have helped you to reduce your temperature and ultimately gain control.  Some of the following suggestions from my clients may prove helpful to you in building your strategies...

• Low.  Take some deep breaths.  Think of something positive.  Listen to calming music.  Think about what you really want/need from the interaction and listen more actively to what the other party's needs are, considering whether there is some practical middle ground.  
• Mid.  Take even slower, deeper breaths.  Think of someone you can speak to that will be 100% supportive of you. Think of positive interactions you've had with the other party in the past. Consider whether your emotional level is warranted in the given situation.  Take a mental break with music or reading.  Take a walk or engage in something physical to relieve tension.  Repeat calming phrases to yourself.
• High.  Breathe slowly and fully from the diaphragm.  Consciously tense and relax main muscle groups.  Leave the situation.  Take a walk to think things through.  Engage in exercise to relieve the tension. Get a massage. Write out pros and cons of what happened and attempt to develop a win/win outcome.

It's important to spend some time thinking about what techniques and activities work for you.  What helps you to calm down and disengage?  Looking at Youtube videos of kittens may work for others while for you it may aggravate you more.  Therefore the strategies you employ must be something that's meaningful for you.

I have a client that has a soft piece of fur they keep in their desk that they like to pet to soothe themselves (reminds them of their dog), another who likes to squeeze a stress ball and yet another who has specific music they find calming.  There is no right or wrong, just what is 'right' for you. Knowing what you need and require at each emotional level, before you are caught up in the emotion, helps you to activate that response and regain control faster.

Sometimes the mere act of just thinking about your anger and where you are on the thermometer helps you to regulate the emotional response, taking you from the unconscious and uncontrolled response to the realm of consciousness and control.

With your Emotional Thermometer in hand, try using the following steps to help you to manage your emotional responses more quickly and effectively in future altercations.

1. Assess Your Temperature. When you feel your emotional temperature rising, think about where you are on your gauge. Sometimes there is a steady rise, sometimes an immediate temperature jump.  Understanding where you are currently lets you engage in the right strategy.
2. Ask.  What led me to this state?  Is this emotional level warranted given the situation?  Is this likely to lead to my desired outcome?  Asking these questions helps you to shift from your unconscious (reactive) mind to your conscious (proactive) mind.
3. Strategies.  Use your temperature chart to determine what you need to do to lower your emotional response.  What do you need - Now - to lower your temperature, regain control, and drive the outcome you need from the exchange? 

The earlier you gauge where your emotions are at the better.  It is far better to catch your emotions before you get caught up and invested in them.  Typically hurt and anger are two emotions that we can become moralistic over, getting caught up in justifying our reactions. The stronger we build our position, the more difficult it is to diffuse.

Using your Emotional Thermometer to help you catch your emotional responses early and deal with them quickly, helping you be viewed as more professional and capable. Great leaders aren't unemotional, they simply manage their emotions rather than be managed by them.  
 

Managing our Emotions and Driving Performance

We all have our off days.  Those days where we seem to lack the interest, energy or motivation to get out there and make things happen.  If our off days are significantly outnumbered by the days that we feel 'on', we likely don't worry about them too much.  However, when our 'off' days seem to be gaining a foothold or seriously begin to outnumber the good days, we may find ourselves becoming concerned over the potential impact of these days on our short and long term success.

We know that we perform better when we are in a positive frame of mind. It's a simple equation: when we feel good we are more likely to engage in good work.  When we feel bad though, our work suffers.  Unfortunately, many of us don't know why we feel bad, why we feel angry, sad, anxious, or nervous and, even if we do, we believe ourselves to be at the mercy of the emotion.  We don't control our emotional responses.  Or do we?

There is an emerging new field of study - Emotional Body Language - that is investigating this more fully, but know that it is based on studies that have been taking place over the past 20 years highlighting the interrelationship between our emotional and physical states.  In fact, Amy Cuddy's top TED talk of 2012, Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are, is a prime example of the work done in this field.  In her study Cuddy focused on the impact of Power poses on participant's physiology.

We know that our emotions drive our body language.  When we are sad it shows in our facial expressions and the way that we move and carry our body.  When we are angry that translates out into different expressions, gestures and movements.  So too when we are happy, disgusted, surprised or fearful.

What is important about the work of Cuddy and her team, and so many other studies, is that the reverse of this is also true.  You can consciously create an emotional response by engaging in certain body movements and postures.  You want to feel more confident and powerful?  Adopt stronger more powerful body language.  You want to feel happier?  Adopt the body language of happiness.

"We don't laugh because we're happy, we're happy because we laugh"  William James

Our body language drives certain autonomic and hormonal responses within our bodies which, in turn, drive the corresponding emotional reaction.  You want to feel more confident?  Stand, sit and move with confidence. The feeling will follow.  This is referred to as Self Generating Emotion.  You create the emotion you want to experience.

Certainly this is something that requires a little more than simply 'telling' yourself to be happy.  You must first understand what your body typically does when it's happy.  How do you carry yourself when you are happy?  How do you move?  How do you gesture?  What facial expressions do you engage in?  The better you understand this, the better able you are to replicate it.  The better you are at doing so, the clearer the message you send to the brain, which reads the happiness signals you are sending and creates the Autonomic and Hormonal responses that support the state you are creating. You now feel happy.

As with all things worthwhile to perfect, this takes some preparation and practice.  Two important steps in this process.

1. Build Awareness.  You need to develop your conscious awareness of what your body does when angry, when confident, when happy.  Whatever emotion you are looking to replicate.  The easiest way is to 'dissect' your body language when you find yourself in a situation when you are experiencing the desired emotion. When you are in a situation in which you feel happy, consider how you are gesturing, how you are walking, how you are moving.  What is the position of your shoulders?  What is your facial expression?  The more detailed you can be the better and clearer the message you will send to your brain when you want to replicate this emotion.
2. Practice.  Try adopting the behaviours and body language of Happiness (or any emotion of your choosing) when you are not feeling particularly happy.  Walk around the room in the same way you do when happy.  Replicate all of the behaviours you identified in the first step.  Try this for two minutes and then assess how you are 'feeling'.  If you've done a good job in the first step then you will be feeling and experiencing more of the desired emotion. The good news is that once you are 'feeling it', your brain will assume control of your body language, making it fit the new emotion.  You no longer need to manage it consciously.  If, after a couple of minutes, you are not experiencing any emotional shift then go back to Step 1 and assess and dissect your movements again, adding more details.  If you can arrange for video to review even better.

The positive message for each of us is that we are not at the mercy of emotions.  When we are experiencing an emotion that isn't serving us (perhaps nervousness or anxiety) we have it within us to change that emotional state to one that does (confidence).  A little upfront homework can pay off huge dividends for us by helping keep us in the emotional mindsets that assure us productivity and peak performance.  Definitely a recipe for success!

When our Emotions Hijack our Brain

We've all had times when our emotions got the best of us and we have all likely experienced times when, upon reflection, our emotional response was out of proportion to the situation. In most cases, when our emotions, rather than logic, seem to rule our reactions we have likely been Emotionally Hijacked.

In his definitive book on Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman coined the term Amygdala Hijack to describe this phenomenon, while others refer to it as Limbic Hijacking (both amygdala and limbic referring to the parts of the brain that are triggered), or Emotional Hijacking.  Regardless of the term you prefer the result is the same, each describing when an immediate, overwhelming emotional response was triggered by an event, a response that is bigger than warranted by the immediate situation.

A Limbic Hijacking is characterized by 3 key components:

1. It is a very sudden onset of a
2. Strong emotional reaction that's
3. Regretted later

According to Goleman, our brain hasn't had a hardware update in about 100,000 years, making its wiring significantly out of date.  As a result we often respond to fight/flight/freeze situations in an unintentional way.  Our ancient wiring creates responses that may have served us when our personal safety was a minute-by-minute concern but that no longer are applicable to our modern day living.

Our emotional responses can take over the rest of our brain in a millisecond if we feel threatened. This Limbic Hijacking was designed to dominate our brains, to react immediately and purely on instinct. When faced with a very real threat to our survival, we need to respond upon instinct, rather than requiring conscious analysis and thought, if we are to outlive the threat.  

When our amygdala is highly stimulated, it uses more blood and oxygen than usual, leaving less for the neocortex (our logic centre).  This makes reasoning, problem solving and impulse control more difficult.  Not an issue when facing a predator, but it may certainly work against us in the work environment where our threats are less about our actual survival and likely require more thought and reasoning to circumvent.  

In order to regain our intellectual control we must first recognise that the hijacking has taken place.  It is an instantaneous reaction that we will want to catch as quickly as possible.  Rather than responding from this heightened emotional state we want to buy ourselves some time.  Take a sip of water or coffee, adjust our glasses, take a bathroom break or ask for time to process before responding and then breathe.  We need more oxygen to feed to our neocortex, to help stimulate our rational brain to begin taking some action.  

• Question what you are feeling, labelling the emotion.  Studies have shown that simply labelling the emotion reduces its intensity.  
• Question why you are feeling it.  What is the source or cause?  Asking this question immediately helps to shift the focus from the Amygdala to the Neocortex, which is where you want to be for a reasoned response.
• Question what the anticipated outcome would be by allowing the emotions to prevail.  This helps to further center your thoughts in your reasoning zone.
• You can then redirect your emotions on a more constructive path

There was a time where much of our behaviour was guided by our Amygdala, where necessity required us to respond constantly to perceived dangers and threats with an immediacy of action. Though we may face such needs occasionally in our lifetime (some of us not at all) we are more likely to need to respond to situations with approaches developed from our Neocortex.  Our ability to do so consistently is the foundation of Emotional Intelligence.  

Although much of the Limbic Hijacking that we experience is outside of our control, driven by brain hardwiring reflective of earlier times and needs, we can learn to manage and minimize its impact upon our behaviour.  Use the steps outlined above to help you to learn recognise when your emotions have been hijacked and to regain control, putting the more logical and reasoned you back in the driver's seat.  

The Contagious Nature of Emotions

You have probably noticed that you have friends and associates you enjoy being around.  They are
energetic and upbeat and you can't help but feel good around them.  Similarly, there are those that tend to cause the opposite reaction, leaving you feeling exhausted and drained.  This is because emotions are, in essence, contagious!

When we have someone in our lives that is angry we likely find ourselves feeling angry too. Happy people lead us to feel greater happiness.  This Emotional Contagion is far more pervasive and powerful an influencer over our emotional state than we would like to believe.  However, given that it is happening at an unconscious level, it is difficult for us to recognise and acknowledge its impact.

From infancy we imitate the facial expressions, postures and voices of those around us. That is how we learn to communicate effectively.  However, our body language is directly linked through the brain to how we feel.  When we are angry we adopt an angry pose, an angry facial expression and even an angry voice.  We assume that the emotion precedes, if not causes, the behaviour and, in general, this is true.  However, we can create the 'emotion' by manifesting the behaviours.

If we speak in an angry voice we will eventually begin to 'feel' angry.  Hold our bodies in anger, or put an angry expression on our face and we will soon find that we begin feeling angry.  We can therefore 'create' the emotion simply by adjusting what our 'body' is saying.

The contagious aspect of emotions arises because our mimicry of others when we were infants actually continues throughout our lives.  The 'mirror neurons' in our brains lead us to unconsciously and automatically mimic the emotional expressions of others.  Many researchers feel that our brains were hardwired this way as a survival tactic. When we had to be more attuned to the negative emotions of others to assure our survival and defense it proved to be a good thing. Our survival may not be at stake in our daily interactions today, but our brains still are wired to react and respond to the emotional triggers that others represent.

Therefore, we may find that we become infected by someone else's good mood, their happiness, enthusiasm and passion.  The reverse can also be true though, where we may be infected by someone else's negative emotions, their anger, depression or anxiety.  Research shows us that depression in a spouse will typically lead to depression in the partner.  We have likely all experienced the impact of a toxic person in our lives, whether personally or professionally.

We do know that some people tend to excel at catching emotions while others are far better at emitting them.  This means that some people are more vulnerable to the Emotional Contagion of others. Generally, those who are more attentive and sensitive, who are more empathetic, who care more about the opinions of others or who value collaboration more than independence may find themselves being more heavily influence by the emotions of others.

There are also those people who seem to be more 'contagious' than are others; people that exert a greater influence over others.  These people tend to experience and display stronger emotions making it 'easier' for others to pick up on their moods.  Interestingly, these emoters tend not to be as susceptible to the emotions of others, perhaps because they are so caught up in their emotional experiences that they are not as attentive to the emotions of others.

Although it's great to think of the positive impact of contracting someone's good mood, we humans tend to react more strongly to the emotions of pain, fear, sadness and disgust than we do to joy and serenity.  Figures!  Researchers therefore agree that the negative emotions prove to be more contagious, creating toxic environments.

Given that all of the above is typically happening at an unconscious level, is there anything that you can do to minimize the influence of the toxic people on your emotions?  Certainly, but it starts with your openly and honestly assessing how you feel when you are with different people.  Although the other person may not be deliberately trying to make you feel bad, the result is the same and needs to be questioned and addressed.  Once you have identified someone who may be negatively contagious...

• Distance yourself from their negative influence.  If their influence is predominantly negative, what purpose are they serving in your life?  If you can't eliminate them entirely then actively work at reducing the amount of time that you spend in their company
• Stop listening to them.  Even if you have to spend time with them (perhaps they are a member of your work team), you don't need to pay as much attention to their non-work specific content. The less you take in the less its potential to impact you.
• Try to reverse the process.  Knowing that their influence is predominantly negative means you can attempt to counter it by deliberately adopting and displaying positive postures and facial expressions.  Your brain can't remain in a negative mindset if or when you're smiling.  Force your brain to 'feel' something else, rather than remaining at the mercy of your toxic influencer.
• Manage your health.  It is far easier to feel positive when you are in good health than when you feel sick.  Just as the negative emotions can lead your health to suffer, positive health practices can also lead to more positive emotions

Just as prevention can help you from contracting a cold or perhaps flu, so too can a little preventative action help you to manage an emotional contagion.  There may not be a formal innoculation for it, but a little prevention can go a long way to minimizing the toxicity of that Negative-Nellie or Angry-Andy in your life!

 

Upping your Charisma Quotient

Think of the word Charismatic.  

Compile a list of  famous people that you find charismatic. Typical people topping the lists of my clients include: Bill Clinton, Steve Jobs, John F. Kennedy, Oprah Winfrey, Winston Churchill, Dalai Lama, Margaret Thatcher, Martin Luther King Jr., Pierre Trudeau, Mandela, and even people like Hitler, Charles Manson, Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein.  These are all people that had a self image that drew others to them.  Their charisma helped them to build the powerbase needed to influence and change; and there is no question that each of them has been instrumental in evoking change, whether good or bad.

Many of us may be looking at strengthening our influence, though at a much smaller level. Strengthening our Charisma Quotient could be instrumental in helping us to do just that.  After over a half century of study it has been determined that Charisma can be measured and it can be improved.  Rare footage of Hitler shows him practicing his gestures in front of a mirror, perfecting his movements to increase his ability to move and influence a crowd.  With some practice, you too can become more charismatic.

Charisma itself is a combination of two factors: your Emotional Intelligence and your Social Intelligence.  To truly increase your quotient you need to create strength on both sides in three key areas: Expressiveness, Sensitivity and Control.

Expressiveness

• Emotional Expressiveness means that you are able to express your emotions to others.  You appear  animated and energetic and engage in positive eye contact with others.   
• Social Expressiveness requires you to actively engage others during social interactions, making small talk and putting others at ease.

Sensitivity

• Emotional Sensitivity means that you are able to read the emotions of others, to understand what they are feeling, and to feel and express your empathy.
• Social Sensitivity means that you understand the social and cultural rules, the nuances of situations, and are able to modify your behaviour to fit within these parameters.  This requires you to be a good listener and observer of behaviour.

Control

• Emotional Control requires you  to control your outward emotional responses and expressions.  Think of those in power who are able to look outwardly calm during crisis situations, regardless of how they are feeling.
• Social Control means that you appear poised, comfortable and at ease in social situations, regardless of how you feel.

If you are looking to improve your Charisma Quotient, start by looking at any of the 6 keys areas described above and improving your skill in that area.  The benefit of course is that strengthening your skill in any of these areas will also help you in other aspects of your career and life.  Becoming better at small talk may help strengthen your Social Expressiveness but will also help you to grow and extend your network faster.  Learning to control your outward emotional responses will help you to appear more confident and in control which may be just enough to secure that new contract or opportunity.  Any positive gain in your Charisma Quotient will have a positive impact in your interactions with others and help maximize your success.

 

Top 5 Tips for Improving your Emotional Intelligence

I am a student of success.  I believe that my clients, regardless of the presenting reasons they provide for hiring me as a coach, are all looking for greater success in their lives and careers.  This means that the more I learn about success factors the more I have to share with others.  My recent book is testimony to my ongoing fascination with the subject, providing you with 365 quick, actionable tips for success.

Despite my commitment to and fascination with learning, 'book' smarts are not enough to be successful.  You also need 'street' smarts to succeed, which is where Emotional Intelligence kicks in.  Studies are now showing just how critical Emotional Intelligence is to the success equation.  In fact, recent studies have found that 90% of top performers, within the organizations reviewed, are all high on the Emotional Intelligence scale.  These and other findings have led top Business Schools such as Yale to begin looking at Emotional Intelligence scores, along with high academic scores, to bolster their admittance criteria.  Their focus means it should also be your focus!

Consider Emotional Intelligence to be two key skill areas:

• the ability to express and control our emotions
• coupled with the ability to understand, interpret and respond appropriately to the emotions of others

Despite some ongoing debate on whether Emotional Intelligence is innate or can be learned, I believe strongly in the ability of each of us to improve whatever natural skills we were born with.  Indeed, much of my coaching practice enhances skills that relate to Emotional Intelligence, despite that not being the primary intent.  In order to help you to strengthen your skills and thereby heighten your success, I have pulled together what I feel are the Top 5 tips that will help you to develop your Emotional Intelligence.

1. Increase your Self Awareness.  You can't change or improve what you don't know needs changing or improvement.  If you do not regularly receive constructive feedback from others (360's are great tools for this) then you might want to explore some options for gaining some unbiased feedback regarding how others perceive you, how you interact with others, etc.  If your company doesn't offer tools such as this for their employees, or for your level, consider investing in it yourself.  Great leaders seek out the truth in how they come across to others in order to improve.  You need to do the same.
2. Strengthen and Practice your Communication Skills.  We know that our words have power but we often overlook the fact that 50 - 93% of our messages are conveyed through non-verbal channels.  The more that you strengthen your non-verbals skills, and your ability to read those of others, the greater your emotional intelligence quotient will be.
3. Develop your Listening Skills.  Yes, I know that technically Listening is part of the Communication process but in reality most people are either speaking or waiting to speak.  There is very little listening taking place.  Listening is usually an under-developed communication skill and deserves to be highlighted.  Everyone wants to be heard.  Your learning to listen more intentionally and purposefully helps you to receive more information from your dialogues with others.  Additionally, it develops the focus needed to help you recognise many of the messages coming from secondary messaging streams (like through non-verbals)
4. Show Interest in Others.  The more that you understand about the others you interact with the greater your ability to engage them positively.  Consider how valuable it would prove if you knew their interests, family situation, values, motivations.  Paying attention to others and showing interest in them, beyond what they can do for you, helps them to feel connected and valued which, in turn, makes them want to do more for you!
5. Learn to Recognise your Stress Triggers & Cues.  Let's face it, when we're stressed out we are likely to be more emotional, have a shorter fuse and be paying more attention to ourselves than to others.  In short, we tend to exercise less emotional intelligence in these stressed moments.  Improving our ability to recognise stressful moments (so we see 'em coming!) helps us to put more structure and support systems in place.  We therefore navigate the situation better, thereby reducing our stress level and leaving ourselves better able to manage our emotional response to it.  Sometimes though, stress sneaks up on us and we don't have the luxury of recognising it and planning for it.  It is therefore also useful to learn to recognise our stress cues, understanding how stress tends to manifest itself within us. For example, you may feel stress in your head primarily, resulting in your sleeping poorly, experiencing difficulty in concentrating, feeling the need to create to-do lists of your to-do lists.  If you learn to identify where you feel stress and how it typically manifests then you can use any of those cues as your early warning system, knowing that when they show up you are likely not in the best emotional state, highlighting the need to manage your emotional responses more consciously until you are under control again.

Like any muscle, you need to use a skill to strengthen it.  The 5 tips above will help you to grow and strengthen your Emotional Intelligence helping you to not only become more adept in managing and regulating your emotional responses but in perceiving and understanding the emotional cues of others.  Not only proving to be a tremendous asset in building your Success but skills that epitomize truly great Leaders.

(for more information on Emotional Intelligence you might want to check out Daniel Goleman's books below, which should be a part of any business and success library)