Tis the Season - The Body Language of Gift Receiving

As the Holiday Season approaches we may be awaiting, in positive anticipation, the fabulous gifts that we
will be receiving; those gifts, whether large or small, that others have chosen for us with love and care. Certainly, when it is a gift we instantly love our body language leakage will work for us, unconsciously supporting our verbal declaration of... 'I love it'!

However, what about those gifts that don't bring that joyous, uplifting feeling?  What about those gifts from your Aunt Matilda that always fill you with dread and the immediate thought of 'What was she thinking'? (images of Ralphie's pink bunny suit from his Aunt in the movie classic A Christmas Story spring to mind) In these moments it is likely that our body language is not working in our favour, discounting our polite refrain of 'Wow, what a gift, I can't wait to wear/use this' leading to a family feud or snub that ruins the family gathering that year - even gatherings of years to come.

In our family we had a name for these gifts.  We called them 'Oh' gifts because the receiver's first reaction is often to open the gift and say 'Oh', before they recover enough to extend a more polite and politic response. Regardless of anything that followed if the first response was hesitation or Oh, we knew the gift was a miss. To help you to avoid these gaffes and to let peace reign supreme over your holiday feast this year, follow these simple tips to ensure that your 'I love it, can't wait to use/wear it' rings true this year.

• When you are about to open that dreaded 'Oh' gift from Aunt Matilda, anticipate that it is something you will not want or are ever likely to use.  Mentally play a guessing game with yourself regarding what it might be or even how awful it might be.  When opening it you are then more likely to display leakage of delight and surprise, especially if it doesn't prove to be as bad as you thought!
• Watch the timing of your Thank You's.  When we are truly grateful for the gift we have just opened, we will tend to thank the person immediately.  When we delay our thanks or hesitate, it appears to be an after-thought or a forced thanks.  Even in gift receiving, timing is everything!
• When you receive the gift, open it, take it out, look at it.  This shows interest.  Then look at the gifter, lean slightly forward,  make eye contact, smile and offer your thanks.  This will make your thanks seem heart felt and sincere.
• When opening the gift, pay attention to your chin.  Most people watch intently your first response, that moment when you are opening the gift and first determine just what it is that they have given you. When we don't like the gift, or are even repulsed by it, we will unconsciously pull the chin in toward our neck.  The bigger the retraction of the chin the greater the dislike.  Hold that chin firm and offer up a smile instead!
• Hold onto the gift for a bit after opening.  Make it appear that it is something you don't want to part from.  All too often we rush through our thanks and gratefully shift the gift off to the side.  The faster we do this the greater our dislike of the gift typically and many times we inadvertently are shifting the gift off to the side even as we are thanking the gifter, giving lie to our words of thanks.  Keeping hold of the package shows possession and places claim over the item, all of which supports your words of thanks.   

And, if you happen to be one of those people that loves all of their gifts but experiences difficulty in receiving - anything - then use the tips above to ensure that others in your life feel appreciated.  They work for this too!

The Eyes Have It

Although our eyes may not truly be windows into our soul, there is a significant amount that our eyes do tell and communicate to others.  The following list, all based in research, offers you a few insights into just how much our eyes give away!

1. Thinking Hard.  The harder that your brain has to work (think) the more your pupils dilate.  The harder the task, the bigger the pupils get.
2. Thinking Too Hard.  There is an overload point however.  When you hit about 125% of your mind's capacity your pupils constrict (get smaller), indicating your overload.  Likely this is where we describe someone's eyes as glazing over!
3. Showing Interest.  Your pupils will dilate whenever you are interested in something.  Likely they will dilate at first when confronted by just about anything that is new - what's important is to see if they remain dilated... that shows ongoing interest.
4. Sign of attraction.  Sexual interest also involves the eyes.  Both men and women's pupils expand when they are sexually interested.  And... an interesting side note... men tend to show interest in naked photos of women (using pupil dilation as the measure - and no... not a big surprise here!) but women do not show the same degree of interest in naked pictures of men.  This difference is hard-wired into our brains and is directly related to our past where the selection of a mate (by a female) was unconsciously based on propogation of the species, ability to feed and protect...  all decisions that needed to be determined and assessed 'live' and not through photos.     
5. Sign of disgust.  And... the converse holds true.  When you are disgusted with something your pupils will constrict in size.  When shown pictures of injured children, people's pupils will dilate at first because of the shock and then constrict to try to avoid or limit seeing the images.
6. Maternal Instincts.  Women's pupils tend to dilate when looking at babies.  Live, in pictures... doesn't matter.  This demonstrates their interest and also serves to help the infants bond with them.  Men's pupils do not tend to dilate as much.  This is more of a genetic predisposition based on times when the males were the hunters and were gone for long periods of time.  Women were the caretakers and home with the children.  Therefore it was more important for the infants to bond with the female since she would primarily be responsible for their care.  
7. Building Trust.  We tend to trust people that spend more time looking at us than looking away from us.  To build trust with others therefore, we need to be able to maintain a certain level of eye contact. As an internal self-defensive move, research has also shown that we unconsciously spend more time working to remember the face of someone that we distrust than those we trusted.  Being memorable may therefore not always be a positive 'thing'!

And... just a note of caution to add to the mix.  Someone's medication can alter their pupil size, as can the lighting of the room.  Too bright a room and the pupils constrict.  Too dark a room and the pupils contract which is, by the way, why romantic dinners are typically held in poorly lit rooms or by candlelight.  The poor lighting makes the pupils open wide, making the other party look more interested/attracted.  This can, though, lead to the wrong signals being sent!  It is better to baseline for the environment you are in and watch for 'changes' from that state, based on the interactions.

Having said that though, it is typically very difficult to consciously detect changes in people's pupil sizes, although we are able to unconsciously pick up on those changes.  Just another element that tends to let our 'gut' know what's going on long before we are able to consciously identify it.

(Check out our  Beyond Words:  Your Body Language at Work program for a more in depth study and understanding of what your body language is saying to others and how to read theirs!  www.titantraining.ca)