Dissatisfied with Work? Get a Hobby!

We all experience frustration and a sense of dissatisfaction with our work from time to time. However, when we find that those become the pervasive feelings we experience on the job, we may find those feelings spilling over into other aspects of our life leaving us feeling disheartened and perhaps even depressed.

We may feel that the answer is to move to a new job but are frustrated by the lack of opportunities available, or feel trapped because we can't afford to walk away from the salary or benefits we have, or even perhaps because we've trained and studied to do what we're doing and are reluctant to call it quits and move on to something else.

However, the solution may not require us to change our jobs or switch companies. Often the problem with what we are experiencing rests far more with our perspective than it does with the job itself. Too many people expect their work to satisfy too many aspects of their needs. When we are not feeling fully satisfied with our lives we put the blame on our work not being challenging or fulfilling enough. I can't count the number of people I've met that shift jobs every 2 years on the search for the 'right' role, never stopping to consider that their search will be fruitless if they don't first shift their thinking.

The important mental shift to make is to stop thinking that your 'work' must be 100% responsible for your level of satisfaction with your life.  I will often get my coaching clients to complete a satisfaction exercise that you can complete quite easily on your own.

• Take a piece of paper and draw a chart with three columns.  
• In column one list everything that matters to you in life.  Start by listing all of the things that a 'perfect' job would provide or contain (financial requirements, achievement, learning, etc.) but go on to include other 'life' elements that matter to you also that might not arise when you think of work (Spirituality, community, adventure, etc.)
• In the top of Column 2 write the word Work and then go down the list of elements in Column 1 indicating how well Work is currently satisfying each element for you.  Use a 1 to 10 scale with 1 being not at all and 10 indicating you are fully satisfied.
• In the top of Column 3 write the work Personal and do exactly the same thing assessing (using the 1 to 10 scale) how well your non-work life satisfies each of the dimensions.
• Review the results... look for elements that score high at either work or in your personal sphere. These are elements where you are being satisfied either in one sphere or another.  Recognise that work isn't meant to satisfy all dimensions all the time.  The key is to build in satisfaction somewhere.  These high scores indicate you are doing that. Celebrate that rather than berating work for perhaps not doing it enough.  
• Look for elements that have low scores within both spheres.  This indicates an area that you could benefit from improving. Put on your creativity hat and begin brainstorming ideas and ways that you could improve this score but ensure that you consider ways and means both inside and outside of work.
• Look for elements that matter to you most and, regardless of your score, brainstorm some ideas for building in even greater levels of satisfaction.  If it's an element that matters a great deal to you then even a small shift upward in your levels, even if they aren't bad to start with, will go a long way to heightening your overall level of satisfaction.
• Review your list of generated ideas, highlight the one or two that really resonate with you and implement those.

What this exercise does is to force you to recognise and acknowledge that dissatisfaction with our work is sometimes a reflection of just an overall sense of dissatisfaction. All too often we expect our 'work' to make us happy without considering that it cannot possibly satisfy us in all aspects of our lives.  Looking for ways we can strengthen our out-of-work activities and experiences can serve to heighten our overall sense of satisfaction and lead us to feeling much more positively about our job.

So, rather than cursing the job you have or feeling that you need to find a 'better' one, maybe you need to consider boosting your outside-of-work activities. If you are feeling a lack of engagement, satisfaction and energy then look to your hobbies.  If they are comprised primarily of watching television and scrolling through social media then you can definitely use a boost!.  

A true hobby is one that requires active and mindful engagement, an activity that serves to heighten your mood and build your skills. Any hobby can do this; explore which ones will serve you.  From biking or hiking, to ballroom or hip hop dance, to quilting or painting, to woodworking or rebuilding cars. All that matters is that it is something that interests and engages you.

The moment you stop looking for work to serve as the sole source of satisfaction in your life, and find other outside sources of satisfaction, the happier you are going to find yourself at work. Outside interests can go a long way to cultivating your interest in the work you are doing.

Maybe the next time you are thinking you need a new job, stop and think about whether you need a new hobby!

Creating The Good Life

When you think of living 'the Good Life', what are the images that come to mind?  For many of us (roughly 75% according to studies) we picture a life of leisure that is driven by our wealth. A good life is one without financial worries or concerns. Perhaps it is because so many of us unconsciously connect the need for money with having a Good Life that we feel we are falling short. I mean... how much money is enough?

However, according to a 75 year study by Harvard, the key to truly living a Good Life, a life that keeps us happier, healthier and feeling most fulfilled and satisfied is - good relationships. The study, which has followed a group of 724 men from 1938 to present day, has determined that it is the sense of social connectedness, to family, friends and community, that is the biggest determinant in how happy and healthy we will be in our later years.

Note that being socially connected is not about how many friends or relatives you have but, rather, the quality of the relationships you have with those around you. How close you are, how connected you feel, has an influence on your happiness and your health.  Those participants who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were those experiencing the best health at age 80.  This means that your current level of overall satisfaction with your relationships is the biggest predictor of your health as an octogenarian.

Certainly, the opposite was found to be true amongst participants also.  Those who experienced loneliness, who felt more isolated from others than they wanted to be, experienced a faster decline in their health in mid life; their brains declined sooner and they lived far shorter lives.  In short, loneliness was found to be toxic.

Think now of what our constant pursuit of the dollar does to our relationships, what the cost of 60 hour weeks does to the depth and quality of the relationships we have. Though it is the quality of the relationship not the quantity of time spent in or on it that counts, you do need to be physically and emotionally present for the time you are there.  How present are you?

If you are finding that your relationships are suffering, it may just be time for you to start making a couple of changes.  Consider replacing some 'screen' time with some people time, reaching out to someone you haven't spoken to in years, opening yourself to new relationships or even to deepening the ones you've got.

'Cause you got to have friends, the feeling's oh so strong.  You've got to have friends, to make that day last long'     (song lyric ... You've Got to Have Friends)

As the research is now showing us, our lack of presence in our relationships (if not our lack of relationships period) may not just prove harmful to the relationship itself but may just be killing us as well. If you are working full out to ensure a financially secure retirement, you may want to take a moment to consider the quality of the retirement years you are creating for yourself.  Your ultimate health and happiness depend on it.

And for an extra boost... let's leave you with the Divine Miss M telling you in her own special way...

Tip Thursday - Happiness

Research shows us that Happiness is not a 'condition', it's a response. Therefore, it is not the situation you are in that is making you more or less happy but, rather, your response to it. 

Focusing on the shortcomings, the downfalls, the don't haves and am nots leaves you responding in a negative way. 

Your situation doesn't define you, your attitude in that situation does. Not everything in your life is miserable, but focusing solely on the one thing that may be can leave you feeling that way. Focusing on the positive and good things leaves you more energized for shifting out and away from those that aren't

How Big is Your Bucket?

We have grown up in a culture that chases ‘bigger’.  We don’t just up-size, we super-size.  We use bigger houses to define our success, think restaurants with overloaded plates are ‘better’, believe the bigger the diamond the greater the love, and we think that we don’t just need to fill the shoes of those that walked before us but we need to leave a bigger footprint. 

Everything that we do tends to expand to fill the size of the bucket that we set out in front of us.  Whether we are socialized or hard-wired into believing it, we tend to fall into the belief that our life goal is to fill the bucket.  Knowing this then becomes an important component of any development plan we create, whether for others or for ourselves.  Consider the following two scenarios...

1. People that are perpetually dissatisfied with their lives.  No matter how much they seem to have, it is just never enough.  
2. People that are happy and satisfied with their lives, even though it may not appear that they have much to be happy about

You likely know someone from each of these scenarios and, it`s equally likely that you fall into one of these descriptions.  Now consider that the only element that is differentiating people from description one or two is... the size of their bucket!

Those that are perpetually dissatisfied with their lives are constantly trying to fill a super-sized bucket. It may be so large that they couldn't possibly fill it in a lifetime.  The bucket they set out in front of themselves has pre-determined their dissatisfaction.  No matter how much they attain and achieve, the bucket continues to have room for `more`.  Additionally, because there is constantly room in the bucket they are unable to celebrate the successes they have achieved because they are quickly swallowed up in the need for `more`.

Instead, those that have placed in front of them a smaller bucket, find it easier to fill.  They can be satisfied with what they have in their lives because their bucket is full.  A partially full bucket is not demoralizing because filling it seems achievable.  

When a bucket is filled it can simply be shifted to one side and new bucket set out in front.  Think of this visual because it is important.  You may have a new, empty bucket in front of you but, at any time, you can glance to the side and see all of the full buckets you have lined up over the course of your lifetime.  Your achievements are readily and easily viewed, continuing to instill a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.  Therefore, you can continue to strive and to grow, filling new buckets as you do, without ever experiencing the frustration of attempting to fill a `too large` bucket. That over-sized bucket will begin to feel impossible to fill, as though there is a hole in the bottom that prevents you from ever succeeding. 

`There`s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza, There`s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, a hole`

We want to be motivated by the concept of more, but we don`t want it to seem unachievable. That is demoralizing and will rob us of the energy or drive to succeed. Instead, be strategic about the size of the bucket you set before you.  Large enough that it requires a little work and effort to fill, not so large that it would take an entire lifetime.  There is no virtual bucket shortage out there.  There is not limit on the storage space available for all of the buckets you fill.

If you happen to be one of those with a too-large bucket set before you then the task before you is clear.  Get yourself a mess of smaller buckets and start emptying your big bucket into it.  Spend some time thinking about everything that is currently in that big bucket, all of your past accomplishments and achievements, every hurdle you have jumped, every barrier you have overcome.  Shift them into smaller buckets and line them up.  When your big bucket is empty, toss it and look out over all of the buckets you have filled, everything you have achieved thus far.  Embrace it, revel in it and then... place a new, smaller bucket in front of you and start filling it.

It`s not the number or size of your accomplishments that makes for a happy and contented life, but the size of your bucket you`re putting them in!

 

Tip Thursday - Success

Research has shown us that happy people not only tend to live happier lives, but they also live longer, have more fulfilling relationships, make better decisions, have stronger immune systems, appear more attractive to others, cope better with setbacks AND tend to make more money.  Research also demonstrates that you can choose your mindset.  With all of the benefits - why not choose to be happy? Be thankful, see the glass half full, seek our and focus on the joy in life.  Not only will you have a more positive outlook and healthier for it, but it's likely also a key to Success!

Why Being Awe-Struck is Awe-Some!

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.  It is the source of all true art and all science.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."    Albert Einstein


When was the last time that you experienced 'Awe'?  The last moment that you were awe-struck at the overwhelming beauty of something, the majesty of something, the vastness of something?  Still trying to come up with an example?

Think back to when you were a child.  How often did you experience a feeling of awe?  Stepping outside of the house on a Saturday hearing the wind blow and rattle the tree leaves, watching ants scurry to protect their eggs when you turned over that log, laying back in the grass and watching the clouds take shape and reform into others as they drifted past. As a child we found the magical in the every day, we took time to question and experience, such that we experienced awe regularly.

In our time-starved adult lives though we focus so much on getting things done that we fail to recognise or experience the moments of wonder around us, to feel a sense of awe in the every day. Awe is what we feel when we are faced with something sublime, something exceptional, something vast, something that's beyond comprehension.  And it is all around us.  However, as we become fixated on the 'doing' aspect of our lives, Awe-someness begins slipping into the mundane.  Technology and perhaps even Google begin to inure us to its effects.

New research into the effects of feelings of Awe though highlight that this lessening of our ability to experience Awe in the everyday is taking its toll on us.  Awe helps people to be more patient, less materialistic, more open to helping others.  Experiencing awe slows down our subjective experience of time, elongating our time perception.  When we feel that we have more time, we are more willing to help other people out and to partake of experiential opportunities rather than material ones.

Could the epidemic of 'rudeness' be due to our lack or loss of Awe?

Perhaps.  But more so, experiencing Awe stimulates the need for accommodation.  Awe creates a sense of perceptual vastness that can have a transformational effect upon us, opening us to new thoughts or ways of viewing the world around us.  We require new mental maps of understanding to heighten our creativity and openness to new ideas.

Maybe that ennui or boredom or listlessness you are feeling is simply a lack of Awe.  Maybe it's not your job, your boss, or your spouse that is the problem.  Maybe you simply need to learn to cultivate a greater sense of wonder in the world around you, in your life in particular.  If so, here are some tips to get you started in finding more ways to experience Awe...

Travel more.  Travelling can open you to seeing different parts of the world, seeing how others live, experiencing new cultures, new food.  Travel with an open mind though, with the thought of immersing yourself into that new environment. Explore the vastness of the Grand Canyon, the majesty of mountains, the bustle of Shanghai or Bangkok.  Travel for the experiences.  Those feelings of awe will remain with you long after the sights themselves have faded.

Gaze at the Cosmos.  Try getting your head around the vastness and infinite-ness of space. Or the sea. Or of atoms.  Or...

Watch Jason Silva.  He is the host of a YouTube series - Shots of Awe.  He considers these short vignettes "philosophical espresso shots".  If you haven`t yet experienced Jason in action - you`ll be awestruck listening to him, let alone trying to take in his content!

Experience Vastness.  We often experience moments of Awe when we attempt to take in the vastness of something...  acres of tulips in bloom, colourful schools of fish, the prairies before harvest, a bustling market in India, the view from a mountaintop...

Watch a Master at Work.  We can be awestruck at the sight of someone with exceptional talent engaging in their craft whether it is a singer, musician, athlete, artisan.  I remember watching a man operating a Backhoe while very deliberately and delicately tearing down a house.  His manipulation of that machine was masterful and I was awestruck by his skill.

Watch a Sensational Film.  A film that moves you in the heart and/or mind.  A sensational film is one that resonates within you, that shifts something inside and that stays with you long after the final credits have rolled past.

Read the Book of Awesome.  Read one page a day - to discover small moments in everyday life that can give you a lift in your perspective and ability to let awesome enter your life.

Hold a Newborn.  A newborn anything.  I defy you not to feel awe-struck at the wonder of new life. Watch the birthing process.  A chick slowly pecking its way out of an egg, a butterfly slowly emerging from its Chrysalis, baby turtles digging their way out of the sand and making their way to the sea.  The miracle of life is full of wonder.

Awesome events, sights, experiences and people surround us.  Lift yourself from the mundane bustle that your life may likely have become and begin to open yourself to those feelings of Awe.  The more Awe-filled we become the more joy and happiness that we open ourselves to and the less time-driven we feel, which, in turn, makes us more sensitive to experiencing awe and wonder again.

If you think of feelings you have when you are awed by something - for example, knowing that elements in your body trace to exploded stars - I call that a spiritual reaction, speaking of awe and majesty, where words fail you.    Neil deGrasse Tyson

Are You Flourishing?

Typically, the goal of Psychology has been to relieve human suffering.  However, the work of Dr. Martin Seligman has been changing the face of psychology by focusing on Prevention; on how people can learn the skill sets that prevent psychological suffering in the first place. Therefore, rather than trying to help you feel better after you feel bad, the goal is to develop the skills needed to feel good most, if not all, of the time.

The Shift:   from Relieving suffering.... to.... Preventing suffering

In his latest book 'Flourish', Seligman - the undisputed father of Positive Psychology - builds upon his earlier work on Authentic Happiness to teach us not only how to be happy, but how to truly Flourish and Thrive.

Positive Psychology is the study of Well-being, the systematic practice of kindness, gratitude, of counting your blessings, exploring your strengths, etc.  It teaches resilience and optimism, two key skills that are supposed to be better predictors of your achievement than is IQ.  According to Seligman, well-being can be learned and is a skill critical for us to go beyond 'okay' with our lives and learn to 'thrive'.

Well-being is comprised of 5 elements, following the Acronym PERMA...

P - Positive Emotions
E - Engagement
R - Relationships
M - Meaning (Purpose)
A - Achievement

We know from research that those who experience a stronger overall sense of well-being on a consistent basis also experience increases in; productivity, satisfaction, physical health, confidence, motivation, achievement, creativity...  Who wouldn't want more of this?  In order to help you to increase your level of well-being, your overall feelings of happiness, consider implementing some of the following suggestions...

Positive Emotions

Let's face it, we've all got problems.  We all face challenges, and we sometimes don't seem to have much going on to smile about.  However, Positive Emotions can serve to help us move up and out of the morass of negativity faster and easier.  If we focus on the past with feelings of pain and regret, or look upon the future with fear and trepidation then we are fostering negative emotions.  Instead, we need to shift our mental focus. When thinking of the past seek out memories that were positive for you, that make you smile even while thinking of them.  Learn to be thankful the negative times of the past are, in fact, past. The more that we strengthen our positivity 'muscles', the easier it is to feel the emotions naturally, more strongly and for longer periods of time.

Engagement

When we are disengaged we are listless, bored and distracted.  Engagement is 'secret sauce' to motivation, enabling us to focus, produce and achieve.  When we are engaged in an activity we enter a state of 'flow', what athletes refer to as being 'in the zone'.  We are absorbed in the activity, time seems to fly by and we experience a sense of accomplishment and achievement in the end.  Typically the more we are engage in work and activities that utilize our unique personal strengths and talents, the more engaged we will be.  Identify yours and seek out ways to utilize them more fully in your work and your life.

Relationships

We are, by nature, social creatures, wanting a sense of connection to others.  Establishing strong relationships with others helps us to develop our sense of well-being.  Knowing that we have others around us that we can depend upon, to help us to maintain balance in our lives.  Positive relationships involve a positive and equal exchange, whether it be of emotion, energy, support or time.  Any relationship though that is one-sided or that creates a negative energy or emotion diminishes our sense of well-being.  Seek out the relationships in your life and work that build you up, not tear you down.  Create a list of people that are in your life, whether personally or professionally, and determine whether their influence on you is predominantly positive or negative in nature and impact. The next step?  Spend more time with those whose influence is positive and less with those that are negative.

Meaning

We all want, and need, to feel part of something larger than just ourselves.  Feeling like we make a 'difference', even in some small way provides us with a sense of purpose to our actions and our lives.  Being part of something beyond ourselves provides us with a sense of community, giving us a feeling of belonging.  It is far easier to be engaged in our work if we believe that it is benefiting someone, somewhere, somehow, that our work counts in some small way toward that bigger picture. Often we get so caught up in just 'doing' that we lose sight of the larger impact of the work we do, the value it has to others around us.  Spend time reflecting on just how your role and actions, personally and professionally, contribute to the bigger picture or greater good.  Making these connections for yourself can go a long way to recognising the value and worth of the contributions you make each day.

Accomplishment

Working toward and achieving goals helps us to feel that we are moving forward with our lives. Establishing a sense of accomplishment builds our confidence in our ability to handle more in the future, which further strengthens our coping mechanisms.  If we fail to recognise just how much we have achieved and overcome in the past then we likely will fail to fully take advantage of all we are capable of achieving in the future.  Most of us get so caught up in the 'doing' of things though that we often fail to even give ourselves credit for everything we have done.  To help with this, it makes sense to maintain an ongoing log of your accomplishments and achievements.  Start out by listing everything you have achieved thus far in your life, but continue adding to it as you remember more and achieve more.  This listing will also serve as a motivator for you whenever you are feeling a little down or are lacking a little confidence.  This file with all of your achievements, awards, kudos and successes should serve to highlight for you not just how amazing you have been, but how many more amazing things you have yet to achieve.


Want to check out Dr. Seligman's book for yourself?  Use the following link to get going...

Feeding Your Performance

Your performance on the job is a factor of many variables.  Do you know what to do?  Do you know how to do it?  Do you have the necessary skills to do it?  Is training and support provided?  Are you capable of learning it?  Are you interested in learning it?  All of these elements will influence your performance and productivity.

Additionally, we know that your physical health is also associated with your performance; those in good physical health tend to out-perform those who are not.  Let's face it, to get things done you have to have the energy to do it.  But we also need to have the right mental mindset to get things done, which means that your mental health and well-being is also a key factor in determining your success, in life and at work.

New studies published from the University of Warwick Medical School demonstrate a high correlation between the amount of fruit and vegetables consumed and your level of Mental Well-Being.  Yes, it turns out that your mother was right to admonish you to eat your vegetables.  In a study with over 14,000 people they determined that those participants deemed to have a high level of mental well-being consumed more fruit and vegetables each day than did their low mental well-being counterparts.  In fact, of those classified as High on the mental well-being scale, 33.5% consumed 5+ fruit and vegetables per day and 31.4% ate 3-4 portions.  Those in the low well-being group typically consumed little to none.

It seems that, along with not smoking, eating fruit and vegetables is the behaviour most consistently associated with maintaining a high degree of mental well-being.

If you consider that previous studies have forged a firm link between low mental well being and mental illness and mental health problems, then we definitely want to ensure that we fall on the opposite end of the scale.

High mental health and well-being is associated with feelings of optimism, positivity, happiness, higher self-esteem and better relationships.  These are all typical characteristics of high-performers. Top athletes know that they need to consume the right fuel for their bodies if they want it to perform at its peak, but they also know that their success is determined as much by their 'mental game' as their physical.  However, as it turns out, eating right for their physical conditioning already helps them improve their mental game.

For those of us that aren't requiring our bodies to 'perform' for us at that level, we may not be as consciously focused on the connection between our diet and our on-the-job performance. Research such as the above makes it clear that what we fuel ourselves with each day not only has an impact on our physical capabilities but our mental capabilities as well.

Really, as it turns out it is quite a simple equation.  Do you want to be happy?  Eat your broccoli!

Live Without Regret: Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

How would you choose to live today - if you knew you only had 6 months to live?

Pretty powerful question, isn't it?  However, despite it perhaps being a somewhat morbid thought, we are all dying.  We likely have significantly longer than 6 months, but our time here is limited and, therefore, so too are the experiences that we can choose to fill our time with.

Are you filling your time with experiences that are meaningful and fulfilling?  Will you be in a position to look back on your life with few, if any, regrets?

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'

And he said, Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'                             

 (Tim McGraw lyrics - Live Like You Were Dying)

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent a number of years working in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.  She began a blog recording her patients thoughts as they reflected back on their lives and ultimately wrote a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.  She found that there were strong and consistent themes that surfaced repeatedly.

1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

All too often we get caught up in worrying about what others might say or think that we hold ourselves back from doing what we dream of.  We don't dance in the rain, we don't sing with the windows open, we don't laugh out loud.  We live a life of unfulfilled dreams.

What would you do if you weren't worried what others would say?

2.  I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

Almost every man Bronnie nursed expressed this regret, of having spent so much of their lives caught up in a race not of their making.  Only you can determine whether your work is fulfilling all of your dreams or not, but it is worth taking the time to assess it's true value to you.

What is working hard giving to you and what is the cost?  Is it worth it?

3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

We often suppress our feelings in order to maintain peace in our relationships and sometimes as a means of avoiding getting hurt.  However, many of us experience stress and illness because of unexpressed and unresolved feelings and, sometimes, we miss out on positive relationships and levels of intimacy because we withhold our feelings.

What feelings are you failing to give voice to that are serving to limit the life you live and the 'you' that you could become?

4.  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

This is a big one for many people in today's world of never-changing 'busyness'.  We get so caught in the 'doing' of activities that we fail to give our friendships the time and effort they deserve and need to truly flourish.

What friendships have you let slide and what can you do now to reconnect and rekindle them?

5.  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

It is surprising how many feel that happiness is something that happens to them rather than recognising that happiness is a choice.  Old habits and patterns may leave us stuck in our comfort zone rather than pursuing new activities, people and experiences that would open us to the happiness we seek.  Happiness, it seems, is a matter of perspective, of seeing something as an opportunity rather than as a setback.

What steps could you take to reframe the way you are viewing negative or limiting circumstances to free you to feeling happier about your life and options?

Although the fear of dying is pretty universal, thinking about our death should serve not to limit or restrict us, but to motivate us to live our lives more proactively, purposefully and passionately.  Consider this...

What's your greatest regret in life so far... and what will you do NOW to change it?

And... for those of you that have not yet had the pleasure of listening to Tim McGraw's song - Live Like You Were Dying...  do yourself a favor and take a moment now, or you'll regret it!

What it Takes to be Happy

In light of the increasing focus in recent years on Positive Psychology (see Martin Seligman's work in
particular), there is a growing emphasis on research into Happiness.  Apparently, everyone wants to arrive at the definitive 6-step formula for how you too can guarantee a Happier life and existence. There'd likely be money in that!

Certainly, research has shown that happier people tend to...

• live longer
• experience better and more positive health
• make more money
• do better work

However, what has not been conclusively determined is whether people experience these things because they are happier OR whether they are happier because they have these things.  It comes down to a chicken and egg dilemma that continues to confound researchers.

Similarly, the findings into what 'makes' us happy can be surprising.

Rosabeth Moss Kanter, a professor at Harvard Business School and well-known author, found that the happiest people are those facing the toughest but most worthwhile challenges.  If they are engaged in activities in which they feel they are making a difference, their happiness levels rise.  

However, Leadership IQ found that in 42% of the companies they studied, it was the lowest performing employees that were happier in their jobs, typically because they were left alone to get things done and could quietly go about doing their own thing.  However, the higher performers had to pick up the slack and were therefore more in demand.  They had more pressure on them to perform and more people watching and checking in on their progress.  Generally they were left feeling undervalued and underpaid.  Not a combination that heightened their happiness levels.

In some respects, these first two research results would seem contrary to one another, given that those working on tough (but worthwhile) challenges would likely be your highest performers.  Perhaps the caveat is that you are not only engaged in work that you feel makes a difference but that you must be recognised and compensated well for it.

Additional research supports this.  It was previously believed, based on the work of Easterlin in the 1970's, that money could only buy us happiness to a certain point.  Once we reached that threshold, money would no longer have an impact on our sense of well-being.  This effect is known as the Easterlin-paradox.  However, in re-testing this paradox, across countries and time, Stevenson and Wolfers, two U.S. economists, have found that our sense of happiness and well-being continues to rise with income, with no satiation point or threshold.  Every dollar brought a greater level of measured happiness, dispelling the myth that money can't buy happiness.

Apparently though, it can't buy ALL of our happiness because there are yet further studies, (Sonja Lyubomirsky - widely known as the most knowledgeable expert on happiness), that indicates we have a pre-established genetic happiness set-point.  This set-point rises and falls based on our reaction to circumstances but it will reset itself to our set-point as we get used to the situation.  This is why an increase in our salary can raise our current level of happiness and well-being but that, over time, we are less satisfied with it, requiring more.  

And yet further studies that indicate...

• the more we compare ourselves to others the less happy we likely will be (someone always has 'more'!!)
• the stronger our social connections with others the happier we are
• the more engaged we are with 'activities' rather than accumulating 'stuff' the happier we are...

All in all it seems that happiness is confusing stuff.  Right now it appears that a good mix is to... make as much money as you can, as many good friends as you can, do work that makes a difference and don't pay any attention to what people think of you.  Pretty much how most of us are trying to lead our lives now, isn't it?  Seems we've known the magic formula all along.  

Toleration - in Moderation

There are so many things in life that we have, for our own sanity, learned to tolerate.  These are those aspects of our everyday life we have learned to overlook and step around to ease our frustration...

• endless line ups
• warm chai even when we've asked for 'extra hot'
• commutes
• constant road repairs or roads never being repaired
• bad service
• service people who can only promise 'sometime between 8am and 5pm

You get the idea.  To rail against all of these frustrations would create too much negativity and angst in our lives.  Instead, we learn to 'go with the flow', learning to accept (if not to also expect) and tolerate these frustrations.  My concern is not with many of these elements, I too have learned to cope with most of them.  My concern is with the 'habit' of toleration, the habits that lead us into unconsciously tolerating and accepting those things in our life that we should not.  There is a line that needs to be drawn in the sand that many miss, tolerating too much and compromising the quality of their lives and their happiness as a result.

As we enter this new year, we might want to consider introducing the new slogan of Toleration - in Moderation.  Learn to tolerate the small, petty annoyances... they will only drive you crazy otherwise and, in the grand scheme of things, likely don't have an impact on the quality or nature of your life.  However... do NOT continue to tolerate those that DO have an impact upon your life, work, happiness and esteem.  You are better than than and deserve better.

What should we stop tolerating in our lives?

• Being unhappy at work.  Find work that brings you fulfillment and joy, work that stretches you, challenges you, allows you to contribute.
• Staying in relationships that drain you of your energy, happiness, and sense of self.  Whether a friend, family member, lover or spouse.  Get out.
• Anyone treating us with less than the respect we deserve.  Any time.
• Negativity.  Surround yourself with those will lift you up, not bring you down, that help you to be and do more, not that make you feel like less.

There are, of course, elements in the world around us that are intolerable also that we must learn to stop accepting or expecting.  However, I believe that if we tolerate too much mistreatment of ourselves then it is logical that we would expect others to be mistreated.  Learning to set boundaries for ourselves, and to enforce them, helps us to develop and strengthen a voice that we can then lend to others, helping them to also find theirs. The movement starts with you.  Expect more for yourself, accept nothing less.  

Toleration...  in Moderation

Finding Your Passion

When it comes to choosing a career direction we are often told to 'Follow our Bliss'.  The goal being,of course, to engage in work that we love and are passionate about.   For many of my clients this proves to be good in theory but much more difficult in practice.  Most lament that they don't seem to feel passionate about any job and therefore they feel they must settle for something that they are perhaps only mildly interested in.

Often the challenge in determining what 'job' might push your 'passionate button' rests in getting past the title. We have preconceived notions not only of what specific jobs and roles do, but of whether or not we are capable or suited to do them.  All too often we discount opportunities simply based on their title, and all that conveys to us.  'No, I wouldn't like that' or 'No, I don't have the skills for that' or, even worse, 'No, I could never do that'... are the phrases that limit our choices and restrict us from truly being able to explore, and determine, where our true passion lies.

The following exercise has proven useful to many of my clients in uncovering new paths and new sources of passion for them.  If you're feeling a little stuck or want to establish that 'path of purpose and passion'... give it a try.  You might be surprised what you discover about yourself, your interests and the path you could be on!

The Work...

Step One.  Get rid of your labels.  We want to start with a clean slate, no preconceived notions about what a 'job' is or does or whether you would be interested in it, good at it, or qualified to do it.  So... no focusing on titles, just ignore them completely.  For our purposes they are completely irrelevant. So too with job level...  we don't care what it is, how much money it pays or where it's located.  Also irrelevant.

Step Two.  Go to the job boards and read as many descriptions of different jobs as possible.  Read descriptions from different areas, disciplines, levels.  There is no pre-qualifying what might be a fit for you.  We are working from the broadest part of the funnel here, so you want to go as wide and broad as possible.  You don't currently know where your passion lies so don't disqualify anything before you check it out fully.

Step Three.  As you read over the descriptions, highlight for yourself any aspect of the description that strikes you as interesting or exciting.  It doesn't matter whether it is practical for your lifestyle or whether you have the skills to do it.  Keep an ongoing list of these elements, adding to the list any segment from any description you read that stirs your soul, or that moves you even a little!

Step Four.  Once you have uncovered a number of items and recorded them in your log, start to categorize them by their key skill and functional areas.

Step Five.  Analyze any of the trends and insights that you gain concerning the areas of interest that are now uncovered.  Spend some time thinking about how it fits to your current career path.  Are you on the right path already?  Are there some minor shifts and tweaks you need to make to strengthen your interest and passion?  Is it a major change that is needed to set you on the right course?

Step Six.  Determine what you need to create this new direction for yourself.  More education?  A coach or mentor to help bolster your skills?  A new role entirely?  Consider what you need to set you on the right path and list them.

Step Seven.  Should be intuitive...  go out and take action.  Even one step in the right direction will feel empowering and help stir the embers of your passion, filling you with purpose.

Oh, and one final caveat.  This is your list, your choices, your passion.  Other people get to choose their own path, don`t let them choose yours.  Sometimes what others want for us will not align with what we want for ourselves.  Uncover your passion and pursue it.  You only get this one go `round...  it`s a much more interesting ride to fill it with work that you love and that fulfills your purpose than spend it working to fill someone else`s.

Change your Posture... Change your Thoughts

We are hearing a lot in the media lately about how to 'read' someone's body language to uncover their feelings about our product, the situation, the offer, or even us.  But little seems to be written about the impact of body language on how we feel.  When learning to read and interpret the body language of others, instructors will often have you shift your body into the position of the other party. When you are standing or sitting exactly like them, question yourself about what you are feeling while in this posture.  Odds are... it's similar to what they are feeling.

As much as we can use this to help us understand others, it has another important lesson for us.  If we can shift how we feel by shifting how we sit or stand, then we can strategically Craft our thoughts and feelings by modifying our posture. Want to feel more confident?  Adopt a more confident way of standing and moving.  Want to feel happier? Start smiling.  Want to feel more energetic?  Stop slumping and shorten the length of your gestures, moving your limbs a little faster when speaking.

You want to feel more positive, energetic and happy about life?  You can take the long route and explore why you aren't those things already, eliminate barriers and obstacles to those feelings, and then forge ahead to experience more of them in your life.  Or...  you can adopt the body language of someone who is positive, energetic and happy and... begin to feel and experience more of them in your life.  Either path gets you to the same place.  One just gets you there faster.

The simple truth is that our brain doesn't know the difference.  It believes that if we are standing, sitting, or moving a certain way then we must 'be' a certain way and it makes it so.  Pretty powerful stuff.  The following are 5 examples of shifts you can make in your body language to experience more of these in your life...

Power.

To appear more powerful to others and, more importantly, to feel more confident and powerful in your interactions, you need to learn to adopt a more powerful pose.  Powerful people take up space so plant your feet firmly (at least shoulder width apart) and open up your limbs.  You want to make more expansive gestures, ending them away from your body.  Elongate your spine, ensuring that your shoulders are back, your head is up.

Willpower.

Willpower implies that we are feeling challenged, but that we are pushing through.  It therefore has a tension to it.  You want to feel willpower in those moments when yours are slipping?  Tense up your muscles.  Studies show that when you firm up your muscles you can better withstand pain, take unpleasant medicine, resist temptation, etc.  So the next time you are faced with the display case of 'goodies' en route to ordering your 'skinny' latte, don't slink on past and avoid eye contact with the case, tighten up your muscles while elongating your spine.  This will give you the willpower you need to resist and will also communicate to your brain that you have the strength to do it again, and again, and again.

Insight.  If you are trying to solve a particularly difficult problem... lie down.  Let's face it, we often solve major issues or come up with our best ideas after we sleep on them.  Lying down increases our propensity for arriving at creative solutions.  Sure, they may think you're a little crazy at work (you might want to ensure you're in a room with a closed door!) but hey... it works!

Persuasive.

We all have times where we need to influence or persuade the thinking or decisions of others.  Know that hand gestures are critical to helping increase the persuasiveness of your argument.  The most effective gestures, of course, are called Illustrators; those gestures that help to support and illustrate the point you are making.  Any gestures that help your audience to 'visualize' what you are saying, helps to bring them closer to your message and find it more agreeable.

Happiness.

It is generally safe to say that most of us could do with feeling happy more often.  As mentioned earlier, if you want to feel more happiness... smile.  The smile is the only universal gesture that there is.  It transcends gender, age, culture, socio-economic status, or ethnicity.  A smile... is a smile.  Babies in the womb smile.  Those born blind at birth smile when happy.  Research has shown that the simple act of smiling, whether you mean it or not, releases endorphins into the body that help you feel good and... happier.

The bottom line... if you are feeling an emotion that isn't serving you then shift your posture and body language to one that does.  That simple shift will move you into a mindset that will be more productive for you and will net you more positive results.

Your Life, Your Choice

According to Kevin Hogan, author of the definitive The Psychology of Persuasion, research shows that when people are provided with choices in their lives they feel more in control of their lives and their experiences.  However, when a goal is forced upon them, they are more likely to put less effort into the attainment of that goal, and to value the final result less.

Hmm... seems straight forward.  However, the implications are much more significant.  In my book, It's Time Now, Choose the Life you Really Want, I talk about the fact that often the dissatisfaction we feel with and in our lives is a direct result of living a life that others have chosen for us, rather than consciously living one of our own choosing.  The research that Kevin was referencing above supports this.  We are going to feel much more motivated to carry out and complete tasks and goals that we have set for ourselves than we are those that have been imposed on us. 

The equation is pretty simple then.  Want to feel better about your life?  Choose what you want from it and go after it.  In my Life and Career coaching though, I see people mess this equation up time and time again.  In our efforts to keep those around us happy, we get caught up in fulfilling their wants and needs, rather than our own, often leaving us with little time left to spend on moving ourselves forward in a direction of our choosing. 

• parents think we should be a lawyer, even though we love the thought of teaching... so we go to law school
• our boss feels that the next strategic career move for us would be to take on a role in sales, despite the fact that we prefer analysis... so we move into sales
• our spouse wants to move into a house with a huge backyard, even though we hate gardening... so we move into the house with the big backyard
• our family wants to go on a week long hiking trip, though we would prefer a vacation that pampers us and feels less like 'work'... so we go hiking
• friends want to go out to opera, we'd prefer to go to a movie... we end up seeing opera
• we feel like Italian, we end up eating Chinese...

Sure... we face compromises every day.  That's life.  We don't likely get our way all the time, but some of the time?  We should.  On the 'big life-changing' stuff?  We better.  Think for a moment how difficult it would be to live a life where none of your choices mattered, where none of your preferences counted, where nothing that mattered to you actually got done in your life?  Depressed even thinking about it?  Imagine the impact of living it.

Yet... some of us are doing just that.  We have compromised ourselves into living other people's choices, other people's definitions of 'a life'.  The bottom line though is that this is YOUR life.  YOUR choices, YOUR life.  Giving in to other peoples choices for us is living a life by default, but... and this is the big point... drumroll please... it is still a CHOICE.  And... it's your choice. 

You are choosing to sacrifice your wants, needs, hopes, satisfaction, happiness, esteem... to fulfill something for someone else.  They better be someone you really care about.  My question to you though... how much do they truly care about you if they allow this to continue, day after day, choice after choice?  And... really... how much do you care about you to allow it to continue, day after day, choice after choice?

Food for thought, isn't it?  Trying to please everyone around you will not, I repeat WILL NOT, ever, (never ever) make you happy.  Defining what you want from your life and making that happen, working to please you...  always will. 

Your life, your choices... choose consciously, choose wisely.. but CHOOSE!

The Power of a Smile

In my Executive Presence seminars I always emphasize that a smile, given it’s one of the few truly universal facial gestures, is one of the strongest tools in your professional tool-kit. Researchers at Penn state have found that when you smile, you appear to others as instantly more likeable, courteous and competent. That small gesture has a significant impact on your credibility.

However, I rarely have the time to go into as much detail about the smile as research has found, all of which serve to highlight the benefits of the smile and build the case for smiling more. Hold on now though… because here we go!!

• Using 3D ultra-sound technology, we have found that babies smile in the womb. In fact, we are typically born smiling (until the cold of the outside world or a slap on the bottom bring us around!). Even babies born blind… smile!

• We typically smile to express joy and satisfaction. Interestingly, children can smile more than 400 times per day. However, smile research in adults finds that only one third of us smile more than 20 times per day, with none of us coming close the 400 smiles of childhood. Further, 14% of us smile less than 5 times per day. Little joy happening there!

• Studies that were conducted measuring the size of smiles in student’s yearbook photos with their later success in life found that the bigger the smile, the more successful they proved to be – more successful with their marriages, general well-being and were a greater inspiration to others.

• Other studies of –re 1950’s baseball player’s playing cards found that the span of their smiles predicted the span of their life. The bigger the smile, the longer the life (I kid you not!)

• The very act of smiling stimulates the brain’s reward function. Therefore the mere act of smiling increases our overall sense of happiness and well-being. For those of you that are chocoholics and rely on a piece of Godiva to help you feel better, research has found that one smile can generate the same level of positive brain stimulation as up to 2,000 bars of chocolate (forgive me if I would prefer to then combine the two and surround myself with smiling people while eating chocolate… but that’s just me!)

• Customer service personnel often place a mirror on their desk so that they can look at themselves while speaking to customers on the phone. Watching themselves as they talk serves as a reminder to smile more while talking to customers, because when you smile while speaking, it impacts the voice such that customers can ‘hear’ the smile, making the customer service representative sound warmer and more caring.

• Smiling can actually help to physically reduce the amount of stress inducing hormones in the body (dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol) while increasing the levels of mood enhancing hormones (like endorphins) and decrease your blood pressure. No drugs needed here!

• And, finally, studies have found that it is actually tremendously difficult for us to frown at someone who is smiling. The smile is evolutionarily contagious. It actually serves to suppress the control you have on your facial muscles, making it difficult to maintain a frown. The old adage ‘Smile and the world smiles with you’ is apparently more accurate than we may have believed to be true.

The smile is an integral part of your ability to connect with your audience, making you appear warmer, more attractive, caring, interested and engaging. Is it any wonder that laughter clinics are seeing a rise in their business. In a world where we are constantly pushed to succeed and exceed, it may be true that taking the time to relax and have a little fun along the way may be a secret success tool we have overlooked. As it turns out, laughter may be the best medicine after all!

It's Story Time!

Everyone has a story... what's yours?  No, not the one you tell everyone else, the script that you've practiced and told so often that you don't hear it any more, aren't moved by it any more.  I'm talking about the story  you tell yourself.  The story that defines who you believe yourself to be, the story that has you believing what you're destined to be, to do , to have in life.  Yep... THAT story!

Ideally, we would have a story for ourselves that we love.  A story that casts us as the hero, as someone deserving of love, recognition, success and joy.  However, too many of us experience unhappiness, dissatisfaction and sometimes a feeling of worthlessness.  If this sounds familiar, then it just might be time for you to question the story you're telling yourself!

Change your story, change your life  (Anthony Robbins)

Our sense of dissatisfaction stems out of a gap between how we believe that things should be and how they truly are.  Narrow or eliminate this gap and your level of satisfaction and joy increase proportionally.  You need to shift your story though.  Changing your perception of the shoulds in your life (what you should have, be and do) changes the yardstick by which you measure what you currently are, have and do.  Measuring differently gives you different results!

We have all had difficult challenges to face in our lives.  Life can be tough.  The true challenge for us though rests in finding a way to use and learn from the tough moments and in not allowing ourselves to become lost in them.  Sometimes these tough moments impact our story, in ways we didn't anticipate.  Rather than letting these moments create gaps of disillusionment that we fall into and get swallowed up by, shift the story!

We may not have control over everything that life throws our way, but we always have control over how we choose to respond to those moments.  Every time you choose to find a work-around or to push through those challenges, you strengthen your story and create a stronger plot line for yourself.  The stronger you become and believe yourself to be, the more story possibilities that open themselves to you. 

The end of your story doesn't exist yet.  You can't yet know how your story will end.  You are a writer in the process of creating the story of your life though.  Isn't it time that you took control of your script, rather than letting others write it for you?

The Work...

Sometimes we have lost track of our story, of what we want and believe for ourselves.  To get closer to it...

Think about and identify one aspect of your life that you are currently very happy and satisfied with. 

What is it about this that instills in you a sense of happiness?

What is the aspect of your story that it is fulfilling?

Now...  think about and identify an area of your life in which you feel dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

What is it about this that instills you with that sense of unhappiness?

What is the aspect of your story that it is failing to fulfill?

Generally, we have three options for handling our areas of dissatisfaction.  We can...

1. Blame someone/something else - which drives our feelings of victimization
2. Do nothing - which heightens our sense of dissatisfaction and helplessness
3. Change our story and take a different path, gaining control over our lives and our satisfaction

What actions will you take?  Recraft, rewrite your story to better support those new actions and direction.  Given a choice, I will always want my personal life story to end with... and she lived happily ever after.  Why would I ever want to settle for less?